


Datura

by UnderZeWeather



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, High School AU, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2019-10-09 10:01:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 59
Words: 170,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17404832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnderZeWeather/pseuds/UnderZeWeather
Summary: A new year, another school year. High school is difficult at the best of times. Sebastian has very little expectations for his senior years and hopes they will just skate by without incident. Enter Lucien, the new kid this year that gets along with almost everyone at school, but something about him seems a little off... A little broken.





	1. New school year

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone. I kind of just wanted to write a darker story with more mature themes, hence the rating. Rest assured I don't actually go completely into rape/non-con but will allude to it instead since I don't like writing about the act since I prefer to focus on the affect it has on an individual.
> 
> Datura; a genus of nine poisonous flowering plants. It is a deleriant which is to say it blocks certain neurotransmitters in the brain and creates an all-encompassing delirium. All parts of the plant can be fatal if ingested.

Another year, another round of school. Sebastian got on the bus with Abigail and the other kids from Pelican town as they headed back to the government funded child torture center. The high school was located in Sparrow town. It was much closer to Zuzu city than the primary school in Finch grove. But it was still a small school. So small each year only had two classes and everyone pretty much knew everyone

As Sebastian sunk into his seat on the bus Abigail squished in next to him and grinned. “I can’t believe you almost missed the bus today.”

“I don’t like early mornings.” Muttered Sebastian quietly. “It’s some form of child torture I swear.”

She shrugged and started to look through her bag. “Yeah, yeah. I get ya. You excited to see Sam again? Soon you won’t have to see him just at school and like, over weekends.”

That made Sebastian smile a little. “Yeah. He said his mum signed all the paperwork last week so they’ll be moving in once their lease at there apartment runs out.”

Abby grinned. “It’s gonna be so cool! The trio’s back together. Not just for another school year but together to fuck shit up in Pelican town!”

When she swore the quiet red headed book work of the town, Penny, visibly jumped in surprise. Despite being in the same year and living in the same town she had always been more sheltered out of all the Pelican town kids. They didn’t hold it against her. She was really smart and was more than able to help the trio out in English.

“Soz Penny!” Called Abby. “I’m trying to cut back on the swearing I swear!” The meek girl nodded a little and quickly buried her head in a new book.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and lightly jabbed her in the side. “Do you have to call out to her like that? You know she isn’t much for socializing.”

She shrugged and leaned back in her seat. “Look, who is here on the bus besides Penny? Your sister-”

“Half.”

“... Half-sister Maru, the smarty pants that reads at a college grade level. The girl that made a motorized prosthetic dog leg for the science fair last year. Haley the empty headed plastic with a bra the pushes up her boobs so much she’s break her nose on them if she looks down too quickly. Then there’s Alex. The Gridball quarterback, meat headed, concussion waiting to happen in the making.”

Sebastian looked around the bus and had to agree with her. The only cool ones from Pelican town were him and Abby, soon to be joined by Sam. The rest of the trip up to school was rather uneventful and even if there was something that did happen he wouldn’t notice. He was tired and out of it. He needed coffee.

When they did get to school and everyone trudge out into the yard, Sebastian and Abigail were immediately sprung on by Sam who almost tackled the both of them to the ground. “Guys! It’s been too long! I missed you two!”

Abby flailed and pushed him away. “Dude, we saw you on the weekend. That was like, yesterday. Take a chill pill.”

Sam laughed a little and readjusted the guitar on his back. “Whatever you say Abs. So like, you think there’s any fresh meat in our grade this year?” He quickly looked around the playground. “... I think I saw some cute girls get on my bus. You think any of those cute girls will be in our year?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “You planning to get a girlfriend this year? Just like last year? And the year before that? And the year before that?”

“And the year before that.” Chimed in Abby as she walked towards the building. “Come on dorks. This building isn’t getting any shittier. We’ll see if there’s any fresh meat when we get to roll call. Let’s hope we don’t get some teacher with a stick up their ass about seating arrangements.” That was the last thing any high school student wanted to hear. Teachers that forced seating for the whole class were the worst.

He got to their relatively small class and took a seat around the middle of the room along with Abby and Sam. In all honesty Sebastian prefered to sit in the back, but Sam seemed to have trouble concentrating when he was sitting in the back, and Abby started to have a hard time reading anything on the board, so they stayed around the middle when they were all together.

Everyone else from the previous year was there too so it didn’t seem like there was going to be much of a change in their classroom this year. Eventually their teacher walked in. This year it looked like they had the biology teacher for homeroom. It was just the start of the year and already this man looked over worked and grossly underpaid.

He sat at his desk and took out some papers, quickly looking through them and muttering to himself. Something about needed his morning smoke. He cleared his throat and opened up his laptop. “Okay class. Welcome to the new year. Hope everyone had a productive holiday period. Now it’s time to knuckle down at get to work. You all know the drill by now. Roll call and then announcements… And then y’all can talk about whatever till class starts. I don’t particularly care that much.”

The teacher did roll call and did the usual announcements letting everyone know what clubs were starting up and where people needed to show up for different club meetings. It was pretty standard stuff and Sebastian pretty much zoned out. He was never a big club kind of guy. Nothing really interested him in that regard. He knew Sam was going to join the school band again this year, and there was a fifty fifty chance Abby would join the art club. Just depended on which teacher was supervising.

“Right,” said the teacher, not bothering to look up from his laptop. “Now before I forget we have a new student joining us this year. Come up the front and tell us a little about yourself.”

There was no movement for a moment before someone from the back of the room got up and walked to the front of the class. Much to what Sebastian assumed was Sam’s disappointment, it was a boy. A boy with chestnut brown hair and piercing blue eyes. The only other noticeable thing about him just from first glance was the bandages he had his face and arm.

He smiled politely at them. “Hey there. I’m Lucien. I used to go to Percheron high school South of Zuzu city. I’m sure we’ll all get along.” After that the bell rung and everyone wandered off to first period.

As they left the classroom, Sebastian lightly nudged Sam’s side. “You disappointed it isn’t a cute girl?”

He shrugged. “A little. But whatever. No big deal. So what do you think about Lucien, Cool or not cool?”

Abby thought for a moment. “Going off looks alone he might be cool. I’m a sucker for dark haired boys with blue eyes. Let’s see how he is in a week. See how he rocks the boat so to speak.” She took out her timetable and groaned a little. “I forgot I had history first… Shoot me in the face please…”

Sam laughed a little. “Sorry Abby. I have English and then music. No history for me today.” He looked around and saw Penny walking along to her class. “Hey Penny! Do you have English first? Let’s walk together.”

Sebastian watched his friend walk over to the shy bookworm and happily chat with her before heading off to class.

Abby rolled her eyes. “Sam’s always going on about getting a girlfriend, but like seriously… If he wanted to he could probably sweep Penny off her feet in a matter of seconds.”

“Yeah, but he said he like girls that are more … Outgoing? I don’t think Penny would do well at a rock concert or something. She looks like someone that would freak out and stay at the back.”

She shrugged. “Yeah well, I think Penny’s quiet nature balances out Sam’s… Sam. You feel me?”

“Don’t really care. Never been one to interfere with one’s love life. By the way I also have history.” 

“Wonderful we can hate life together.”

Classes were rather uneventful. Most first classes of the new year were always like this. The teachers just went through the basic curriculum for the year followed by questions that they either would or wouldn’t answer. It was a mystery. Eventually lunch came around and the trio were heading over to stake their claim in their usual hang out spot. If they didn’t do it now some younger kids would try and move in. Bullshit. It was there spot. Plus they were older so they had seniority. 

Their spot was right behind the maintenance shed. It was just far enough away from everyone so they had privacy, but could still hear the hell and get to class without much trouble. Abby practically raced across the field to get there. 

“Ergh! I hate that bitchy teacher so much! She needs to get laid or something.” She whined. 

Sam laughed. “Come on Abby. She’s not that bad.”

“You just like that witchy bitch because you could see her cleavage when she bent over to help Seb when he asked a question.” She quickly ran behind the back of the shed and paused. “Oh, Lucien. What’s up?”

The other two boys rounded the corner in time to see a blushing Lucien getting tangled up in his ear buds. “H-hi there.” He stammered. “Sorry, is this where you guys hand out or something? Want me to go?”

She shrugged and sat down next to him. “Nah, you’re cool. Just don’t bring anyone else back here. This is our hang out spot. So keep is secret okay? And push the kids from younger years out of here. So what were you doing?”

Lucien fumbled with his phone a little. “I um… I was just listening to some music while like, you know. I just wanted to be somewhere quiet.. I’ll um… You guys can just do what you were doing. I’ll just listen to my music…”

“Cool. Oh, by the way I’m Abigail. Blond is Sam and emo is Sebastian.”

Lucien waved slightly at them. “Hey.”

Sam grinned and sat his ass down while Sebastian sat next to the ball of sunshine. “Hey. So like, I was wondering what’s with the bandages?”

Lucien laughed nervously. “Oh where do I start? Most of them is from a raccoon that got pissed when I threw a garbage bag on it. Some of it is cooking… and one is from when I feel off a wall. I’m kind of accident prone.”

“Makes sense.” Said Sam. “I always get banged up and scraped when I skateboard.”

Lucien smiled a little. “Yeah. So where do you guys live?”

“Pelican town.” Said Abby. “Well Seb and I are from there. Sam’s still in Zuzu city.”

“Not for long though.” Chimed Sam. “I’m moving to Pelican town too.”

“Huh…” Lucien thought for a moment. “Pelican town… I think my grandpa lives there on a farm. I’ll check that when I get home.”

Sebastian frowned a little. “Mr Berg? Who lives on Datura farm?”

Lucien nodded. “Yeah, that would be my grandpa on my mum’s side. My last name isn’t Berg. It’s Asher.”

“And isn’t Percheron high school like one of those fancy preppy schools?” Asked Sebastian. “What happened there?”

“Oh…” Lucien nervously tugged at his hair. “Well you see some stuff happened and um… You know how families can be. I just have to roll with it.”

“I guess.” Muttered Sebastian. He knew that all families had their own problems and it wasn’t really in the mood to dig any deeper. The group continued to talk and by the end of it the trio like seemed to have decided that they like Lucien. He was a pretty cool guy, if not a little shy. But that was understandable. He didn’t know anyone and no one knew him. And as it turned out, Sam and Lucien took the same bus back to Zuzu city. Which was pretty nice for the both of them. 

Abby and Sebastian waved goodbye to the both of them and got back onto their own bus. Abby happily bounced up and down on her seat and smiled at her friend. “So what do you think?”

“I think I’m ready for a nap.”

She rolled her eyes and lightly punched his shoulder. “Shut up old man. I meant about Lucien. He seems cool right?”

Sebastian shrugged. “I guess. Maybe in a few days he’ll find his niche and you know, go off and make other friends. Doubt he’ll hang out with us for much longer.”

“... You’re just pessimistic because you woke up early.”

“Damn straight I am.”

***

Lucien was happy to have met the trio. They seemed like nice people and he was happy to know that he’d be able to catch the bus with Sam for a few more weeks until he moved to Pelican town. Sam was really nice and talked to him a lot about music and instruments. It was fun for a while, but he couldn’t help but feel a heavy weight forming in the pit of his stomach the closer he got to the city.

He and Sam parted ways that the bus stop and that left Lucien with unease. He didn’t really want to head home, but it wasn’t like he had anywhere to go. There were only so many places a teenager with very little money could go. He also felt guilty about not going home. His living conditions were kind of strange.

At the moment he was living alone. His dad was working overseas and his mother had passed away while he was still very young… And until last year he was living with his aunt but that didn’t work out. Not at all. There were issues that they couldn’t work. Irreparable differences if you would. Because of that he felt odd about being home alone, but then again he felt just as uncomfortable being with others. At least his dad paid for the apartment. It was the least that man could do for him.

After taking a detour that was much longer than necessary Lucien found himself outside his apartment. “...” He got a strange sense of vertigo staring at the wooden surface. He knew his aunt wasn’t behind the door waiting to pounce on him anymore, but the fear still stayed.

Gathering his courage he unlocked the door and went inside. It was unsettling being alone in his place. Though he had to do his best to put that out of his mind and get back to his routine. He’d dump his bag in his room, make a simple dinner for himself, eat, shower and lock himself in his room.

It was a bad habit, but he needed to do it. He didn’t feel safe otherwise. Another thing to blame on his aunt. He nervously tugged at his hair and paced around the room. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. He was fine.

He sat on his bed while he went through his miscellaneous school work that had been given to him through the day by various teachers. Most of it was flyers for various clubs and activities that were starting up soon. Most of is was sports related with a handful of creative and academic things thrown in. There was even a gardening club. Something he hadn’t seen before, but considering that his new school had the space and seemed to be more agriculturally inclined it wasn’t a bad thing.

Some things asked for a parent’s signature. If he wanted to do something like that he’d have to scan it and send it to his dad. Something he wasn’t a huge fan of. He knew his dad was still unhappy with how he dealt with everything last year. He knew his dad blamed him for it. He was the man of the house while he was still away after all.

The sound of something moving in the other room made him freeze and hold his breath. After a few moments the sound stopped and Lucien could breathe again. It was probably just a cat. Tomorrow would be a better day. That’s what he had to remind himself. New year. New school. New him.


	2. Home alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for deciding to give this a chance. I know most people probably won't give this a chance because it's a high school au among other tag related reasons... but hey, I'm happy that you're here and hopefully liking this. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

The first week of school flew by for Sebastian and soon it was the weekend. He’d organized with Sam to head over to his place in Zuzu city. He didn’t really like leaving his room, but he liked being able to go to the city. It was another early day, but it would help him get used to waking up early for school.

He walked out of his basement bedroom and into the front room where his mum was busy setting up things on her counter top. She was the local carpenter after all in this small town. When she saw her son she smiled happily at him.

“Hey there Sebby. You going out today?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah. I’m going to Sam’s place.”

“If you’re not going to be back before sunset please call and let me know.”

He was about to answer when the door opened up and in walked Mr Berg. The old man looked like Santa with his long white beard, rosy cheeks, and slight pot belly. “Robin, could I trouble you for some help? Oh, hello Sebastian. Nice to see you lad. I see the youth is still going with that style?”

Sebastian looked down at what he was wearing; black skinny ripped jeans, and his signature black hoodie. He knew he probably wasn’t trying to be rude or anything, but damn that felt passive aggressive. “Yeah…”

Mr Berg chuckled a little and turned his attention to Robin. “Now Robin, I happened to have found a hole in my roof. Would you mind helping an old man fix it?”

“No problem Isaac.” She ducked under the counter and quickly shuffled about looking for the right plans and materials.

While she was distracted Sebastian planned to sneak out, but Mr Berg caught him before he could. “So Sebastian. How is school going? You and most of the kids here have just started your senior years, right?”

Just to keep up appearances Sebastian nodded. “Yeah we are. School is good… I think I’m going to school with your grandson…”

That surprised him. “Little Lucien? Oh I haven’t seen or heard from him in years. I wonder if he’s still living with his aunt?” He frowned a little at that thought. “Are you two friends?”

Sebastian shrugged. “He’s okay. Nice enough.”

“I see… Well when you next see him can you tell him his old grandpa would really like him to come down and visit some time? I miss the lad and would love to see him again. Last time I saw him he wasn’t even tall enough to headbutt my knee. Cute kid though.”

Sebastian nodded a little and took a few steps towards the door. “Okay, I’m just gonna get going now. Nice talking to you Mr Berg. See you tonight mum.”

***

It took him almost an hour to get a bus from Pelican town to Zuzu city but it was worth it. He loved the city. It was just so much better than living out in a small country town. When he got to Zuzu city he quickly made his way to Sam’s place. He lived in an apartment close to a playground and skate park. 

He knocked on the door and waited. Seconds later Jodi, Sam’s mum, opened the door looking a little frazzled. “Oh, hello Sebastian. Sam’s in his room.”

She let him inside and Sebastian quickly walked past the boxes of things packed and ready to go. It seemed like today she was packing away most of the kitchen stuff if the box on the kitchen counter meant anything. He slipped into Sam’s room and wasn’t surprised to see him with his guitar in his lap as he scribbled down notes.

“Hey Sam.”

The blond looked up at him and grinned. “Hey there. Didn’t expect you so soon.”

“Quick bus.” He sat on the bed next to Sam and looked over his shoulder at what he was writing. “So, you all packed and ready to go?”

“Pretty much. Mum made me pack away most of my music stuff. I don’t even have my amps anymore. It sucks. But whatever. Not a big deal I guess… Vincent’s having none of it though.”

Sebastian nodded a little. Vincent was Sam’s little brother. He had to be about three by now. The toddler loved listening to Sam play his guitar and Sam was more than happy to play a few songs for his baby brother. Though Sam had said he would murder someone if he had to play incy wincy spider again. Thankfully the boy seemed to be napping.

“I can imagine. So want to go to the skate park?”

“Heck yeah. Let me just finish this…” Sam quickly scribbled down a few more notes before quickly going to grab his skateboard. “You wanna have a go I can try teaching you some stuff.”

“Last time I tried I almost broke my arm.” Reminded Sebastian. “No thanks.”

Sam shrugged and the two of them left. Jodie called after them to make sure that they didn’t get into any trouble. They promised her they wouldn’t. But neither of them knew if they could really keep that promise. They were teenage boys after all.

The skate park wasn’t crowded and had its usual crowd hanging around. A few people gave Sebastian and Sam knowing nods of acknowledgement and they nodded back. None of them really knew each other by names, but they were part of some weird skater community. Well, at least Sam was. Sebastian just sat on the bench and scrolled through his phone while Sam did some tricks.

He was pretty good. Abby had joked on more than one occasion that should his dreams of becoming a rockstar failed he could always try being a pro skater. The next Tony Eagle. They all laughed at that. Sam stacked it one too many times to actually go pro in skating. 

After about fifteen minutes of Sam skating and stacking it while Sebastian recorded a few bits and pieces, sending the best bits to Abby for her amusement, Sam joined him on the sidelines, grinning. “So how was that?”

Sebastian glanced down at his phone. “Abby says your next stack needs to include a hit to the nuts.”

“Ow. She’s a cruel audience.” Muttered Sam. “But I don’t want to get hit in the balls. That shit hurts. Hurts like nothing she will ever know.”

“Dude, if I text her that she’ll go on a rant about how periods are basically mini births or some shit. I don’t need to hear that.”

“True. Want a drink?” 

“Sure.”

Sam headed over to one of the food trucks and grabbed them both an iced coffee. Sebastian didn’t really care too much for the milky drink. He’d only just started to drink coffee and he kind of prefered it black, but Sam was buying so he was fine with it. The two sat on a bench and talked a little about school, family, and what was happening in Pelican town.

Sam was still really excited about moving, and how it would totally be cool for Vincent to grow up in the countryside by the beach. Also, it would be really good to not have travel for ages between Pelican town and Zuzu city just to hang out. Sebastian agreed, but he kind of wished that his family was moving to the city instead.

“And then-” Said Sam. “-mum dropped it and it broke. Cracked right up the side and split in two. So now we have a spice box instead of a spice rack.”

“Yeah. My mum can probably fix that.”

“Right, she’s the town carpenter.”

“Yeah. She’s fixing Mr Berg’s roof today.” Said Sebastian. “Oh, turns out he really is Lucien’s grandpa.”

“Huh. No kidding?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian finished his drink and stood up. “Come on. I wanna check and see if the next issue of Saga X is out yet.”

So the duo headed down to a shop called Comics, Games ‘n Toys. While Sebastian looked for his graphic novel, Sam went and had a look at the Solarian Chronicles stuff. The two of them had been interested in playing a tabletop game and that one seemed like an easier one to get into rather than some of the older ones.

Sebastian quickly found the next issue of Saga X. He had a quick peek inside to see where the first panel kicked off. He let out a small sigh of relief when he saw his bae Valkyrie carrying an injured Neon away from a bloody battle. If they had started off with the shitty subplot with the Batrock pups he would have screamed. The author had done that once before in issue three. That pissed him off. 

“Yo! Lucien!” Sebastian looked up and saw Sam grinning and pulling Lucien in for a hug. He walked over to see what was going on. Lucien was smiling but he didn’t seem very comfortable with the sudden intimacy. “What are you doing here?”

“Um, just having a bit of a brows. That’s all.” He said quietly. Lucien looked a little surprised to see Sebastian too. “Oh hi Sebastian.”

Sebastian nodded a little. “Hey… Your face still not healed up yet? It’s been a week.”

Lucien laughed nervously and started to tug at his hair. “Yeah well, racoons have dirty little grabby hands so it’s a little infected and gross at the moment. Probably won’t be able to take it off for a while.”

“Sucks man.” Said Sam as he looked at some of the books on the shelf. “... So like, what do you have planned for the rest of the day?”

“Um. I was just going to go home and watch some TV or something.”

“Parents expecting you home soon or something?”

Lucien shrugged a little. “I um… I live alone at the moment…”

Upon hearing that Sam’s eyes lit up. “Seriously? You live alone? How did that happen?”

“My mum passed away when I was younger and my dad is overseas for work. Not sure when he’s coming back though…”

“So you’re pretty much independant and stuff?” Asked Sam. “Man, I’d love to have my own place right now.”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah… Do you want to come over? Like if you guys aren’t doing anything…”

“Sure. Seb and I were just going to go back to my place. But like, I have a baby brother and my mum’s in the middle of packing stuff so we can’t be too loud, if you know what I’m saying.” While Sam was negotiating something, Sebastian was still unsure of what, Sebastian went and paid for his graphic novel.

By the time he got back Sam had convinced Lucien that it was a good idea to go his place. Now a very important thing about Sam was that unless he knew the person well he didn’t have a very good read on a person. In other words Sam could tell if there was something up with Sebastian or Abby, but he couldn’t really tell if someone else was feeling uncomfortable. At the moment Sebastian could just tell that Lucien was majorly uncomfortable.

“You got your comic?” Asked Sam.

“Graphic novel.”

“What did you get?” Asked Lucien.

“Saga X.”

Lucien’s eyes lit up a little when he heard that. “Really? I love that series. I haven’t been able to get hard copies of it but I have read it online. I loved the storyline where Valkyrie and Neon were stuck on a hostile alien planet and Neon got kidnapped by an alien tribe and they tried to sacrifice them to a giant worm god.”

Sebastian cracked a smile at that. “Yeah, that was pretty good. The one I like the most is the storyline where Neon finds out that his boyfriend was working for the Galactic time federation and turned him in. That was a twist I didn’t see coming.”

Lucien looked shocked. “How could you not? Crash literally came in out of nowhere in the second volume to bust their asses out of that death camp and wouldn’t stop flirting and trying to get to know Neon. Every other thing that came out of his mouth was him asking if Neon wanted anything or asking where Neon was.”

“Wow you two are such Saga X nerds.” Whined Sam.

They laughed at that and continued on their way to Lucien’s place. It was pretty cool to find out that someone else really likes Saga X too. Sam read it sometimes, but he didn’t really get as into it as Sebastian was. So it was nice to find out that Lucien was a fan.

Once they got to Lucien’s place he seemed to quieten down a little and became slightly nervous. However he still opened the door and let them inside, and to be honest it kind of felt like stepping into an IKEA catalogue. Everything was so sterile. Like he hadn’t lived here that long. Sam didn’t seem to notice and flopped onto the couch.

“Damn this place is nice!”

Lucien smiled a little and walked into the kitchen. “Yeah. I don’t really come home much. Just to get food and to sleep really. Do you guys want something to drink? I have some juice and tea.”

“Got any coffee?” Asked Sebastian.

For a split second Lucien froze, almost looking horrified at the thought of coffee, but his horror was quickly masked by a smile. “Sorry. I don’t drink coffee. I don’t like the smell. Makes me feel a little queasy.”

***

How the hell could this have happened to him? Lucien just wanted to have a little look around the shop and head home. He didn’t expect to run into Sam or Sebastian or invite them to his place. Sam just seemed so expectant and he kind of thought that maybe he could be friends with them.

Now they were in his home, on his couch, and they were expecting him to entertain them. Why? He didn’t have anything like a games console or a computer. Well he did have a laptop but it was really crappy and couldn’t power anything better than a flash game.

Then when Sebastian asked him for a coffee that just sent a chill up his spine. His aunt used to love coffee. It stained her teeth and it just made him shiver at the memories. Coffee was… Coffee was… It was...

“Yo Lucien, you okay?” Asked Sam.

Lucien jumped a little and nervously laughed. “Ah, sorry about that. Kind of zoned out. Did you guys want juice? I just have orange juice.”

“Yeah, that fine.” Said Sam. “What do you have to eat?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and lightly punched Sam’s arm. “Shut up. We invited ourselves. He doesn’t need to feed us too you idiot.”

Lucien was thankful for that, but he knew he should feed them something. “I have a bag of chips in the cupboard if you want that.” He tossed a bag of chips at Sam who happily caught it.

“Score. Thanks Lucien.”

“Don’t mention it.” Lucien poured some drinks but couldn’t help feeling awkward about this whole situation. He didn’t normally have people over. In fact this was the first time he had people over to his house. Ever. “So um...I don’t really have much in the way of entertainment. Just the TV really… and even then I only get free to air TV. No paid subscriptions or anything like that.”

Sam was disappointed by that but shrugged it off. “Shame… So why don’t you live with your grandpa?”

Lucien shrugged. “My parents had a falling out with him when I was younger. I have no idea what it was about. But I haven’t seen him or been to Pelican town since… I don’t think he would care that much about me anyway. It’s been too long.”

“Not true.” Said Sebastian. “Before I left this morning I spoke to him. He said he wanted you to visit.”

Hearing that made Lucien nervous. He had no idea how much his grandfather knew about his current situation. What happened before… He couldn’t help but worry about the possibility of things repeating again. He didn’t know if he would be able to take it if that was the case. He could almost feel his bones aching just from the thought. 

He put on his best smile for them. “I guess I should go and visit him some time then huh?”

“Yeah!” Said Sam. “We can go next weekend. It’ll be fun. Seb and Abby can show you all the cool stuff around town. Oh, bring swimmers or something since the weather is good. We could go to the beach and hang out there!”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Yeah, hell no. The sun’s my natural enemy.”

Lucien chuckled. “We’ll see. I don’t think I actually have any swimmers here anyway.” He didn’t know if he ever owned a pair. Hell he didn’t even know how to swim. He also didn’t like the idea of being semi naked in front of anyone. This was going to make changing for gym very difficult. “I don’t like being out in the sun that much either. Being as white as mayonnaise does that to a person.”

They talked some more but Lucien didn’t really pay much attention to it because in the back of his mind he couldn’t help but feel like he was being watched. He knew it was just paranoia, but it felt pretty damn real. Kind of like fingers gently touching the hairs at the base of his neck and whispering quiet, poison into his ear. 

“Entertain them.” Whispered the voice in a playful tone. “You have to entertain your guests or you’re a rude host. Entertain them somehow. You’re not interesting at all though are you? Well, you have at least one thing you could do to entertain them...”

Lucien shivered a little and nervously started to play with his hair. By now the conversation was completely blocked out and all he could think of was what that voice in his head was implying. That scared him and made him feel sick to think about. He wasn’t going to do that. Not in his home. This was his place. He could make decisions not them.

Suddenly Sebastian stood up and stretched. “I better be heading home soon. Mum will flip out if I don’t get home before dark.”

“Right. I should be going too.” Said Sam.

Lucien nodded a little. “O-okay… Glad you guys could come over. It was nice.” He meant it. Kind of. He would have preferred not to have anyone over his apartment ever, but he needed to be uncomfortable once in a while. “We should do it again some time.”

Sam grinned and pulled Lucien into a one armed hug. “Totally. See you at school Lucien.”

Sebastian nodded and gave a small wave. “Later.”

Lucien smiled at them and locked his door as soon as they were out the door. After that mild wave of relief from them leaving was gone, he felt guilty. He was sure that they were board out of their minds being here. This was probably going to be the last time they would come here. After all, Sam was going to move to Pelican town soon and neither of them would have a reason to come into the city anymore. He would be all alone again… Not that it really mattered that much. He was fine with that. It was better that way.


	3. Popular kids

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Cold slender hands gently cupped Lucien’s face while humming a hauntingly happy tune. The smell of coffee was pungent and made him feel nauseous, but he couldn’t move away. He felt frozen in place. His breath was shaking but he tried his best to not freak out. 

“Tommy.” Cooed the female voice. “My dear, sweet Tommy.”

He wasn’t Tommy. He never was. Why couldn’t she see that? He was Lucien. Lucien. That awful coffee smell was closer now, and those fingers were moving from his face and down to his chest.

“Tommy. Tommy. My sweet Tommy. Look at me my love?”

Yoba, he didn’t want to look at her. He struggled to find his voice. “I-I’m not Tommy… I’m-”

“Not Tommy?” Questioned the voice. Their gentle touches quickly became firmer and their fingers laced around his throat. “Not Tommy?” Their grip instantly tightened at they started to choke the life out of him, and the sweetness in their voice was quickly replaced with frantic hysteria. “You tried to trick me?! How dare you! Die! Die! Die!”

***

Lucien woke up in a coughing fit. Once he calmed down he checked the time and wasn’t surprised to see that it wasn’t even six in the morning yet. He sighed a little and dragged himself out of bed. He didn’t feel good about being up so early but now that he was awake he might as well go ahead and do his usual morning routine before heading to the bus stop.

He got to the bust stop much earlier than he should have so he hung around, kicking stones and lamenting at the gross smell of early morning coffee. Thankfully Sam soon showed up and they got on the bus. He was more than happy to talk about this and that while Lucien just nodded along.

When they got to school they met up with Sebastian and Abigail. She quickly dominated the conversation with her distaste for her dad’s old fashioned values and how she just wanted to go on adventures in the forest or mines. Lucien found it amusing and wasn’t too sure if she was serious.

Things continued at their usual pace until it came to art class. They were in the library in groups of two, chosen by the teacher of course, and were being made to do art theory. Theory. That was hardly interesting or fun in the slightest. It seemed to bore his chosen partner to tears. A very beautiful young woman with flowing golden hair. Haley was her name. She seemed a lot more interested in the camera filter on her phone than actual work.

She quickly took a pic of herself and started decorating it with stickers. “So… Do we really need to do this? Like, why? I’d much rather do practical work.”

Lucien nodded in agreement. “Me too… But hey, we just need to look up characteristics of cubism, write some facts, some artists, and copy some of their work onto the word document. Simple.”

Haley groaned a little and slumped over the desk. “I hate this…”

“Hey I didn’t pick cubism. If it were up to me I would have chosen abstract. So much easier.”

She huffed a little and reluctantly started looking information up on her phone. “Wish Alex was here… It’d be more fun with him…”

“Who?”

That seemed to surprise Haley quite a lot. “You don’t know who Alex is? Oh right, you’re new here. Alex is on the gridball team. He’s kind of a big deal. He practically carried the team last year.”

“Ah, never really been that into gridball.”

“Figures.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Haley looked at him like he had asked the dumbest question in the world. “Look at you. You’re not exactly screaming gridball enthusiast.”

Lucien shrugged and quickly typed some things onto the document. “Well, just because I personally don’t care about gridball doesn’t mean I think everyone who likes it is stupid. I’m not trying to claim some moral high ground. I just think it’s kind of strange how the concussions sport of the Ferngill republic is the be all and end all goal in a lot of people’s minds. Entertainment like that is fine and all, but you can’t do it forever. There’s a sort life span on a gridball player.”

She thought about what he said. “... Well yeah I guess…”

“Besides, I’m sure Alex would want to be known for a little bit more than just the gridball guy when he gets older. Defining someone by just one character trait is pretty shallow and harmful. I’ve been trying to see things with multiple layers lately.” 

“I see… Well what’s your first impression of me? Be honest.” Haley flipped her hair over her shoulder and did a cute little pout. “Be honest with me and I’ll be honest with you.”

He tilted his head a little as he looked over Haley. “... Stereotypical blond mean girl.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, pretty shitty. But like, I saw your selfie and it kind of reminds me a little of Claude Cahun or Cindy Sherman.”

Once again Haley looked surprised. “You know about photography?”

“I did photography back at my old school. I did a whole assignment on photographers that did self portraits.” He typed out a few more sentences while Haley sat in stunned silence. He actually got a fair bit of information out before she spoke up again.

“Do you want to have lunch with me?”

“Hmm?”

She sighed a little. “Look, you’re new here and you’re hanging out with Abigail, Sam, and Sebastian. They are okay people but like… Total social out casts. Relax, you didn’t know. Not your fault. Me and my friends are the popular kids. School life can be a lot better when you’re at the top of the pyramid… And if you don’t like hanging with us you can always go back to hanging around them.”

“Um…”

“Perfect. I’ll come and find you at lunch. Don’t make me look too hard.”

Before Lucien could say anything the bell rang and Haley quickly left for her next class, leaving Lucien to save all their school work. Hopefully they both didn’t need a copy of it.

***

When lunch time came around Haley found Lucien by his locker and quickly steered him outside. On the way they passed Abigail and he sent her a look that he hoped screamed that he was being kidnapped. He wasn’t sure. Either way Haley directed him towards the bleachers where a couple of plastic looking popular girls were sitting with some jocks.

“Hey everyone!” Called Haley. “This is Lucien. He’s going to hang with us today.”

Some of them looked a little skeptical but others looked intrigued. One of the jocks was lightly tossing a gridball in his hands and gave Lucien a confused look. “So, you’re the new kid huh? You gonna try for the gridball team next week?” 

Lucien shrugged. “Probably not. I’ll leave that to the more talented people.”

The jock grinned at that. “Yeah, you’re kind of a weed. You’d be more suited to being a waterboy than a gridball player. Maybe you could try out for the mascot?”

Haley rolled her eyes. “Come on Alex. No one wants to be the Pecky.”

“Pecky?”

One of the plastics with long red hair laughed a little. “Pecky is the school mascot. He’s this big red and blue sparrow. The last guy that wore it sweated a lot and no matter how many times it’s been dry cleaned it still stinks.”

Lucien wrinkled his nose. “Gross.”

Alex laughed. “Yeah, it’s pretty bad. So what do you do for fun, Lucien? What’s a big private school kid doing out here anyway?”

A chill ran up Lucien’s spine and he felt his smile might have faltered a little. “Ah well, family things happened and it was just easier to come here than go there. I didn’t really care that much about going there anyway. I just went there because that’s where my dad was sending me. Now he’s sending me here. No big deal.”

One of the girls grinned. “So you really did go to Percheron high? I heard they have a gourmet chef working in their cafeteria.”

Lucien shrugged. “I don’t know about that. Maybe it was a higher quality or something but I really don’t know.”

“What food was usually on the menu?” Asked a jock. “Give us a typical Percheron high lunch special.”

Lucien thought for a moment. “Um… Stuff like, two different salads, premade sandwiches, some kind of meat stew or fish bake, a pudding cup thing… and some weird vegan, vegetarian, tofu thing…”

The girls sighed wistfully. “That sounds so nice…” Said a brunette girl. 

“So much better than having sloppy joe Tuesday.” Said the red head. “Going vegan is so good for you since you like, are not eating all those gross trans fats and hormone stuff that’s like in meat. Meat and stuff just clogs your arteries it’s so gross.”

One of the jocks rolled his eyes. “Babe, we gotta eat meat to get our protein. Can’t get the same amount of protein from a bean.”

“I know babe. As soon as they make a plant that makes as much protein as meat you’ll like totally become vegan with me, right babe?”

“Of course babe.”

Lucien felt slightly uncomfortable with all this vegan talk going on. Was he going to get converted into being a vegan? Was being vegan a trendy thing at this school now? He didn’t want to be vegan. He liked eating meat too much. It was tasty.

Suddenly Alex tossed the gridball at Lucien, who fumbled a little, but caught it. “Heh, nice catch.”

“Thanks? I think?” Lucien tossed the ball back.

“So what’s with all the bandages?” Asked Alex. He caught the ball easily with one hand. “Get into a fight?”

“Yeah, with a raccoon. I dropped a garbage bag on it and it got pissed at me.”

“Ew, racoons.” Said the red head with disgust. “Those things are nasty. Anyway. You’ve been here like a week. Got your eye on any of the girls here Lucien?”

That question took him by surprise. “Um, not in particularly…”

One of the jocks gave him a suspicious look. “What? You gay or something?”

“So if a guy doesn’t find any of the females in an enclosed environment particularly attractive after a week that person is automatically gay?” Asked Lucien.

“What?”

Lucien sighed a little and shook his head. “I’m still getting used to how this school works. Maybe in another week I’ll start looking around at some of the girls and see how I feel about any of them.” In all honesty he didn’t really like the idea of being with anyone. He just wanted to go to school and actually learn stuff. That seemed like the right thing to do. At least to him anyway. 

“You’ve been hanging out a lot with Sam, Abigail, and Sebastian haven’t you?” Asked the brunette. “Dude, you totally have a crush on Abigail.” That earned some laughter from the rest of the group. 

Haley noticed that Lucien didn’t understand their amusement so she happily filled him in. “You see, she’s a complete weirdo. The way she talks and acts… If her voice was lower pitched there would be no difference between her and the guys she hangs out with.”

“She probably puts out for them or something.” Said one of the jocks. “She at least has to be putting out for that emo. She practically clings to him.”

Lucien felt sick. He didn’t appreciate them talking about Abigail like that. Sure he didn’t know her that well but he felt that even if she was doing that stuff it didn’t give them the right to talk about her like that. She had been nice to him. He could consider her a friend.

“Disgusting…” He muttered.

Haley raised an eyebrow. “Hmm?”

Lucien smiled at her but he knew he had no emotion behind it. “I said it was disgusting. I can’t believe you all have the fucking gall to talk about this kind of shit. Are your lives really that worthless and pathetic that you have to make up stories about other people?”

The blond looked shocked to hear him say that and the other girls voiced their surprise. Some of the jocks made angry noises of disapproval, but in all honesty, Lucien didn’t care. The cheerful and carefree nature of their abhorrent chattering atmosphere was quickly getting filled with tension so thick not even a knife could cut through it. Lucien knew je probably should have shut up and left it there, but once he started he had trouble stopping.

“And so what if she does that stuff? It’s her life and her body. Do you disgusting fucks really think you have any ownership over her body? And if this isn’t about her why not mock Sebastian and Sam for doing the same thing you accuse her of? People like you make me want to throw up. You’re some of the stupidest and dumbest humanity has to offer.”

Suddenly one of the jocks grabbed him by the front of his shirt. He looked like he was going to punch him. “You wanna fucking go?”

Lucien didn’t even flinch. He just shrugged and tilted his head to the side, staring at him with complete disinterest. “What are you gonna do? Punch me? Go ahead. Prove to me and the rest of the school that you’re a fucking idiot that would never survive in the real world.” 

The jock landed a punch straight to Lucien’s nose, making him bleed. He stumbled a little but the jock pulled them back. By now everyone else in that friend group was trying to deescalate the situation.

“Come on man.” Said Alex. “He’s learnt his lesson. Just leave him be.”

“Do you want to get suspended?” Hissed Haley. 

“Just leave it.” Said the redhead in a panic.

Lucien lightly touched his nose and lightly rubbed the blood between his fingers. “... Oh? Is that really the best you can do to me? A punch to the face?” He grabbed the jock’s arm and drove his thumb into his wrist, making them call out in pain. “Listen here you little piss ant. Bigger people have fucked with me and I was the one that walked away. Do you really think getting punched in the nose is going to hurt me? Next time try smashing a bottle over my head or burn me with a cigarette. For fuck sake use some imagination you stupid fuck. How will I know you’re serious unless you cause some serious damage?”

The jock managed to push Lucien away, rubbing his wrist. “Fucking psycho! You fit right in with those freaks!”

Lucien flipped them the bird and walked off. He needed to find a bathroom and wash his face before class started and people asked questions. Now he knew that what he had done probably meant the popular people hated him but he didn’t care. Everyone had a right to their own opinion and as far as Lucien cared, the opinion of the popular kids was shit.

***

There was something up with Lucien. Sebastian could tell right away. Mainly because it was pretty obvious that he got punched in the face. However he couldn’t really talk to him much about it during maths. The teacher was a complete asshole and would death glare anyone for trying to ask for help with any of the problems, let alone ask a fellow student for help.

Near the end of class the teacher got called out to talk to another teacher and the class quickly went about talking to each other about whatever. Sebastian took this opportunity to nudge Lucien. 

“Hey, what happened to your face?”

Lucien shrugged and finished off his math problems. “I don’t think the popular kids like me much.”

“... Seriously one of those dumbass jocks punched you?” Sebastian wasn’t that surprised. Those guys were assholes but still, they shouldn’t have just attacked him. Hopefully he wouldn’t become a target now. “Did Haley just drag you away to get attacked? What the fuck?”

“They were saying shit about Abigail and I called them out on it.” He sighed a little and put his pencil down. “I think I went a little overboard.”

“... Okay?” He didn’t really know what he meant by that. But those jock’s were complete assholes. He hated them. “Wait, what were they saying about Abigail?”

“Stupid stuff. Not important. I defended her honor.”

“Oh, okay… Good… I guess I’ll let her know.”

Lucien nodded a little and drummed his pencil against the desk. “Got an answer for number 7?”

“... Use pythagoras.”

“But I am lazy and injured. Have some sympathy.” He slowly started to drag Sebastian’s work book over. “Gimme dem numbers.”

Sebastian took his book back. “Not till you tell me what those idiots said about Abby.”

Lucien thought this over for a moment before he just gave up. “Long story short, they called her a slut, said she was fucking you and Sam, and generally made fun of her appearance.”

“... Yeah, some people are getting dish soap in their lockers.” He never understood why people lost their mind when they saw a girl hanging out with two guys. Obviously she was banging one of them or both of them. It pissed him off so much.

“Good luck with that.” He looked over at Sebastian’s book and quickly started jotting down the answers along with some working out for good measure. “Nice, and now I don’t have any homework tonight.”

“That’s good. What do you do anyway? Like, you live home alone. You can pretty much do whatever you like. So what do you do?”

Lucien shrugged. “Grocery shopping, surfing online, walking around. Mostly walking.”

“Huh… The city must look pretty amazing at night.”

Lucien shrugged and started to put his books away. “I guess… It’s kind of noisy but I guess I like it. I think that if things were quiet I’d go mad. Silence at night… That scares me.”

“Okay?”

Lucien blushed a little and looked away. “Ah, sorry. I know I say weird things… Just forget about it.”

The bell rang and Lucien was out the door before Sebastian could say anything. He didn’t understand what was going through that guy’s head. He was already on the bus by the time he and his friends were out. Sebastian couldn’t help but watch their bus pull away. He couldn’t help the sinking feeling deep in his guts that something was terribly wrong with him. Maybe he should text Sam and ask him to hang out with Lucien today? He wasn’t sure.

Abby nudged him. “Yo, what’s up with you?”

“Hmm? Nothing much… By the way we’re putting dish soap in the plastics and dumb jocks lockers on Friday.”

“What did they do this time?”

“Lucien said they called you a slut.”

Abby rolled her eyes and glanced back at Haley and Alex who were engaged in some conversation. “Seriously? Why the fuck are they so obsessed with what I do and don’t put in my junk? Okay, so how about dish soap mixed with dye? It’s sticky, easy to spread around, and stains everything. I can easily swipe a bottle or two from my dad’s shop.”

“Nice. We can mix it at my place.”

Abby smirked and fist bumped him. “Sweet.”


	4. Medical treatment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can :D

Lucien didn’t go straight home that night. He prefered to walk around a little and sit on benches instead. It was fine. This was what he wanted. It made him feel more comfortable than staying inside. Plus he thought the city looked kind of pretty at night.

He ended up wandering into the downtown area and stopped by the local homeless shelter. When he was younger he came around here so he could get a little free food and a few medical check. They didn’t ask too many questions about bruises and cuts. Especially if you looked like a street kid.

He sneezed and an explosion of blood erupted from his nose and doused his shirt. That jock probably caused more damage than he thought. “... For fuck’s sake…”

“Hey, are you okay?”

Lucien jumped a little and looked at a clean cut man wearing blue scrubs. Must have been a free medical day at the homeless shelter. “I um… I got punched earlier…”

The man nodded a little. “Come inside for a bit. We have a bit of down time since the kitchen just opened up. I was actually stepping outside for a break.”

“You don’t need to help me out...”

The man shrugged. “I’m a doctor. I want to help people out when I can… And you’re still bleeding pretty badly. You’re going to want me to look at that.”

“... Fine.” Lucien followed the man into the shelter and into a hall filled with mostly cots. Over one side were a few large blue screens, set up for privacy’s sake. A doctor was talking to a mother and her baby while another one was sitting in a chair while sorting through the shelter’s first aid kit. 

When the doctor at the first aid kit saw them walk in they waved. “Hey Harvey. Thought you were stepping out for air and… Damn! What happened here?”

Harvey shrugged a little and adjusted their glasses. “Doctor patient confidentiality Doctor Aakanksha.” 

Aakanksha chuckled a little and rolled her eyes. “Just gonna throw that one in my face are you? I restocked your section with more gause and antiseptic. Darsha and I are going to make a quick run to the van when she’s done. Do you need anything else besides gloves?”

“Some more garbage bags and some more lollipops for the kids would be good.”

“Ah, ah, ah. You didn’t say the magic words.”

Harvey chuckled a little and lead Lucien into the makeshift cubicle. “Please and thank you Aakanksha.” He put on some gloves and started to gather together cotton balls and antiseptic. “Please take a seat. Now before I start I would like to ask you a few basic questions if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Like what? Allergies? Age?” The seat squeaked under him and made him worry it was going to fall apart under him.

“Well yes.” Said Harvey. “And if you feel comfortable you can say how you got that injury. Everything you say here is confidential.”

Lucien shrugged a little and watched Harvey dampen one of the cotton balls. “I’m seventeen. No known allergies.”

“That’s good. Now hold still…” Slowly Harvey wiped the blood off his face. He made sure to take special care around his nose to make sure that he didn’t accidentally cause further damage to his injury. Once Lucien was cleaned up and Harvey steamed the blood flow, the doctor lightly touched his nose to check for signs of a possible fracture. “No pain?”

“Nah. Nothing hurts more or less than it already does.”

“Well that’s good.” He took off his gloves and opened up a laptop that looked like a huge brick. “Now, can I ask you a few questions about your nose bleed?”

“I guess…”

Harvey smiled a little at him. “Don’t worry, these questions aren’t intrusive or anything. It’s just some general things like, do you pick your nose or blow your nose very hard?”

“Nope.”

“Any blood clotting disorders like haemophilia? Taking any anticoagulants?”

“No.”

“Well that’s good then… So this was just because of an injury and isn’t an ongoing issue?”

“Just got punched in the face.”

Harvey nodded a little. He didn’t seem very happy about that at all.

“... Schoolyard fight. Not domestic abuse of anything like that.”

Harvey quickly went through a small range of emotions, from shock, to shame, to embarrassment. “Yes, of course… A-anyway if your nose keeps bleeding consistently you should seek more medical help.”

Lucien shrugged and stood up. “I guess, or I could just come back here and see you next month.”

The doctor chuckled a little. “Ah, well you can come back here but I won’t be here. I’m leaving the city to start a small clinic out in the country.”

“Change of scenery?”

“Anything is better than dealing with a dozen car crashes, half a dozen shootings, stabbings and Yoba knows how many other horrible things a day.”

Lucien nodded a little. “I can respect that. Thanks for the help… Now I need to figure out how to get blood out of my shirt…”

Harvey smiled. “Pour a small amount of hydrogen peroxide onto the stain, work it in with a clean cloth. Let it sit for five minutes and rinse with cold water.”

“...”

“I’m a doctor. I get blood and vomit on me all the time.”

“... Okay. Bye. Hope your clinic works out for you.” He quickly left the shelter and continued on his walk. He felt kind of bad about getting help from a doctor, but at least it was a male doctor. If it had been a female doctor then… He probably would have run into traffic to get away from her. Older women were just… He couldn’t deal with them one on one.

Eventually his wandering had lead him to an overpass bridge. He took a moment to stop and stare out at the traffic rushing by underneath. It was a sea of yellow lights. The constant sound and lights was almost hypnotic and allowed his mind to wander and wander it did. Right into unwanted territory.

That disgusting feeling of cold fingers running through his hair and down his neck overtook him. He could smell the coffee on her voice. “You’re a terrible person. You shouldn’t provoke people. You know it only makes what’s coming to you so much worse… But you can’t help it can you? Because you know deep down what it is don’t you? It’s-”

“No…” Muttered Lucien, trying to separate his mind from that negative train of thought. “It’s nothing. Shut up. Shut up.”

“It’s love.” Cooed the voice. “It’s the pure kind of raw emotional love you deserve. But you can’t accept love can you? You get angry for no reason. You should just be happy to receive love from anyone who will give it to you. If you can’t accept love in this form how can you accept it from anyone? You’re broken.”

Broken.

He knew he was broken. He’d been broken for a long time. She had worn him down for a long, long time to the point where she didn’t even have to try to break him. She just pushed him backwards and he was too physically and emotionally drained to fight back… And now because he had been broken he wasn’t able to receive love. 

Broken.

But, what was love anyway? Since he was young the media had pretty much shoved the idea that love was between a man and woman. Recently the media’s started to begrudgingly accept people within the LGBT, but only if they fit certain molds. Then there was all the different ways people showed love. But love wasn’t for him because he was broken. He wasn’t able to accept love when it first showed in front of him so now he was damaged. 

Broken.

He felt like he was going to cry, but if he did that he knew his nose would run and probably start to bleed again. He’d just wander around some more and clear his head. Eventually Lucien would wander home to sleep. Could be in an hour, could be in the morning. He didn’t know.

***

Lucien didn’t know what to expect the next day at school, but he really didn’t expect to see his locker vandalised. Then again he probably would have been surprised if nothing had happened. He was just surprised by the reaction it got from Sebastian, Sam, and Abigail.

“Well…” Muttered Abby. “Mother fucker’s gonna die tonight.”

“Let’s just put razor blades in their locker.” Said Sebastian. “Or broken glass. Either is good.”

“No glitter.” Said Sam. “The herpes of the art world.”

Lucien just laughed at their suggestions. “Hey, it’s fine. They’ve made it clear they don’t like me and I made it clear I don’t like them. No need to go and start some war.”

Abby huffed. “Come on Lucien. Those fuckers need to pay. Let’s combine our ideas; glitter glass their lockers so they die. The bastards broke your nose after all!”

“It isn’t broken.” Said Lucien calmly. “I had a doctor look at it last night.” His friends still didn’t look that happy about it. “Come on. I’m not mad about it. Besides, what would freak them out more? Me being scared or me being indifferent?”

“... Oh, a little reverse psychology?” Asked Abby. “You’ll probably scare the crap out of them.”

“Yeah.” Lucien touched his locker and ran his fingers of the dry paint. It was dry and thankfully there wasn’t any derogatory slogan splattered across it. He was pretty sure the janitor would come by and clean it soon. 

He continued the day as normal. What else could he do? What was he meant to do? As far as he was concerned the jocks got back at him and now it was over. However if they were going to keep going after him there was no way he wasn’t going to fight back.

Lucien drifted through the day until it came to history. Their teacher had decided they were going to watch a video and needed people to wheel in the TV from the technology store room. For some reason they chose him and Alex. Maybe they wanted someone responsible and someone strong? He didn’t know.

As the two of them walked down the hallway Lucien could feel there was some tension. Thought for once it wasn’t coming from him. On the way to the store room they passed his still vandalised locker. 

“... I didn’t do it.” Blurted Alex. “Your locker… I didn’t have anything to do with that.”

“I don’t care.” Said Lucien calmly earning a surprised look from Alex. “The locker belongs to the school not me. The person or persons who splashed paint all over it were just damaging school property. It doesn’t bother me at all.”

“Oh…”

“By the way, that asshole that punched me in the face, can you give them a message for me?”

“I guess?”

“Tell him that if he wants to beat me up again he better do it till I’m unconscious because if he doesn’t I will murder him. I’m not afraid of someone as weak as him.”

Alex stopped walking for a moment, but quickly started up again. He laughed nervously in an attempt to defuse the situation. “Ha, never really picked you for such a tough guy. So like, did you take some martial arts class at your old school or something?”

“Nope. Just learnt how to fight against someone twice my size at a young age.”

“... Oh.”

They got to the store room and started to wheel the TV back to the classroom. Lucien was a little surprised that Alex wasn’t asking too many questions. He actually seemed like he was in deep thought about something. He didn’t really have any idea what about though.

“Do you still live with them?” He asked quietly.

“Hmm?”

“The person that beat you up. Do you still live with them?”

Lucien stopped moving the TV as his anxiety instantly spiked. How in the flying fuck did a dumb jock like Alex pull something like that out of his ass? Was he too easy to read? He had to be more careful. “W-what are you talking about?”

Alex gave him a sympathetic smile and rolled up his sleeve to show a thin scar across his shoulder. “Broken beer bottle from my old man.”

Seeing his scar made Lucien calm down a little. Things made better sense now. Alex was abused too. The guy might not be very smart academically but he did at least seem to spot other people with similar issues. He didn’t know how he felt about this.

Lucien nodded a little and lightly touched the bandage on his face. “Nails… And I don’t live with them anymore.”

Alex nodded a little. “That’s good… It gets better. After a while it gets better.”

“Thanks… You guys going to use this against me now?”

He shook his head. “Nah man. That shit’s really rough… I’ll talk to some of the guys and try to stop any shit before it happens. You don’t need to deal with this shit along with whatever homelife you’re dealing with.”

“Maybe you and your friends shouldn’t bully anyone?” Suggested Lucien. “You never know what someone’s home life is actually like and as someone who has gone through similar shit as me don’t you think that’s kind of fucked up? You could beat the shit out of someone that gets attacked by abusive family members or screw with someone mentally but they also have family that ignores their mental issues. I personally wouldn’t be partially responsible for another human’s misery. Makes me feel sick.”

“...”

Lucien continued to push the TV to the classroom with Alex following along behind him. He had no idea if he had gotten through to him but he at least was making him think. Would it change his attitude? Probably not. Even if he did he would probably change for about a week then go back to his shitty behaviour. He didn’t really care too much. It didn’t matter that much to him anyway. He was just kind of happy that Alex tried to reach out to him a little.

***

The way Lucien talked, the way he carried himself when he was serious and the emotionless expression in his eyes when he made threats or made passive aggressive threats… It sent chills up Alex’s spine. He didn’t know if psychotic was the right word for it, but that’s how he seemed. It was kind of like a switch was flipped in that guy’s head.

More than likely it was the result of whatever trauma he had experienced. He knew that when he was younger he became closed off emotionally for the most part. He just smiled and laughed and brushed everything off. However he just felt numb most of the time. Things were different when his parents got a divorce of course, but still… Lucien must have gotten the shit kicked out of him a lot.

That was probably why he was so drawn to the outcasts like Sebastian, Abigail and Sam… Well, Sam was okay. But those other two were weird. At least Abby had curves and such. But Sebastian was so weird. He couldn’t remember a time when Sebastian wasn’t wearing black. He was some weird emo freak and his group was just full of doom and gloom characters… plus Sam. How the hell did Sam even get along with them anyway?

One of the jocks nudged Alex’s side. “Hey, weren’t you listening?”

“Hmm?”

“I was saying next time we should pour water into Lucien’s locker. He didn’t seem to get the message yet. Don’t mess with us.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “Come on man, don’t be an asshole.”

“Dude, he totally insulted us and the girls. You telling me we should just let him off the hook?”

“... You punched him in the face and vandalized his locker. I think he’s learnt his lesson.”

The jock didn’t seem to like this at all. “You serious? He’s a little shit that deserves more than a broken nose.”

Alex shook his head. “Look, think about it logically, you’re the only one who’s fucked with him. You punched him in the face and like, he used to go to a private school.”

“So?”

“So, his parents probably have cash or know people that are very powerful.” Warned Alex. “He could probably get you kicked off the gridball team or like, arrested for punching him. Do you really want that to happen?”

“... Fine. I’ll leave the little shit alone.” Muttered the jock. The threat of jail or losing the change to play gridball were apparently enough to sway him. “Still not gonna go out of my way to be nice to the cock sucker.”

Alex rolled his eyes and let the rest of the conversation drift into whatever it would naturally go to after that. As they talked Haley made her way next to him and lightly nudged him. She had a concerned look on her face. However she spoke in hushed tones so the rest of their friends wouldn’t hear them.

“Hey, what’s going on? You wouldn’t normally do that for some new kid.”

Alex shrugged. “I think we were a little hard on him yesterday. Like, he didn’t deserve to get punched. The guy’s got enough on his mind.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Really. I talked to him and it turns out we have some stuff in common.”. Alex touched his shoulder where he was scared and gave Haley a solemn look. “Like a lot in common.” He and Haley had been friends for a really long time. He considered her his best friend and apart from his grandparents she was the only other person that knew about what his old man was like towards him and his mum. She was also very good at keeping secrets.

She looked surprised but nodded in understanding. “I see… Yeah, I’ll keep an eye out for him too if that’s the case.”

“Thanks.”

She smiled a little and squeezed his hand. “You know, you’re a lot nicer than people give you credit for.”

“Thanks Haley.”

***

Lucien and the others were back to sitting behind the maintenance shed at lunch time. Abby still wanted to put something in their lockers. It ranged from glitter to live snakes. Though everyone questioned where she would get the snakes from.

“I have my connections!” She argued. “I know people that know people that can get shit off of weird websites.”

“It isn’t worth it.” Said Lucien. “They’re assholes, but it’s over.”

“Boy this isn’t about your punch to the face and getting paint all over your locker.” Said Abby. “You don’t care, but I am a vindictive bitch. I do not like it when those bastards talk shit about me. This is all about me now!”

Lucien chuckled a little and rolled his eyes as she went on her rant. The other boys would chime in with suggestions but he tuned that out. He was thinking about Alex. The jock didn’t seem broken like him. He seemed to have his life together. Maybe he just wasn’t as damaged as him? That wouldn’t have surprised him. He was a hopeless case. Alex probably had a whole network of people that could and did help him. Some people were just lucky like that.

Suddenly Abby was leaning against him. “Lucien.” She whined. “Come to Pelican town this weekend.”

“Huh?”

“Your gramps lives there and you live alone.” She said. “Shouldn’t be a problem if you stay for the weekend, right? Just give him a call.”

“... I don’t have his number. I don’t even have your numbers for that matter.”

“... Time to change that.” Abby took Lucien’s phone out of his pocket and happily punched in her number before tossing it over to Sam. “Everyone put in your number. That includes you Sebastian!”

Eventually when Lucien got his phone back he was surprised to see that next to each name was a little emoji. Abby had a diamond, Sam had a guitar, and Sebastian had a frog. He really couldn’t see the connection between Sebastian and frogs but he was okay with this.

“So did I get an emoji next to my name?”

Abby nodded. “Yep. Spoopy ghost sticking out their tongue. We can reevaluate your emoji later.”

Lucien laughed a little and had a look at the contacts on his phone. Now with his friends he had five contacts on his phone. The other two belonged to his father and Dr Eurwyn. It made him feel a little better knowing that these three liked him enough to give him their numbers. However at the same time he had a cold feeling slowly forming inside him. He had no idea why.


	5. Grandpa's farm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there everyone. Hope you all like and enjoy this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can :D

When the weekend rolled around Lucien was kind of surprised to see Sam waiting at his front door. Apparently he was going to Pelican town for the weekend too. They got onto the bus and happily talked about school stuff on the way there. Apparently Sam was about a week away from moving to Pelican town. That would make things kind of lonely for Lucien, but he was used to it.

They got off the bus and were met by Abby and Sebastian. The latter of the two looked relatively dead to the world. When they greeted them, Lucien couldn’t help but notice that Sebastian smelt like coffee. It made him want to vomit.

“You okay there Lucien?” Asked Abby. “You look a little sick.”

“Long bus rides kind of do that to me.” He lied. “So um… I think maybe I should go and say hi to my grandpa.”

Abby nodded. “Sure. We’ll swing by the farm in about an hour. We just gotta get Sammy all settled in at Seb’s. Your old man’s farm is just over that way.” She pointed in the general direction. “Don’t get lost now.”

“I won’t.” Said Lucien as he started to head that way. “See you three in a bit.”

They quickly parted ways and soon Lucien was standing at the entrance to the old farm. Datura was painted in big loopy lettering on the arch over the entrance and the actual datura plants grew in thick clumps around the fence. The white flowers were quite pretty and innocent looking. Even one of their alternative names, moonflower, was innocent. Then again one of their other names was devil’s trumpet so not so good.

He stepped through the threshold onto the farm and saw a portly looking old man watering some plants. “... Grandpa?”

The old man looked over at him and squinted for a moment before letting out a jolly laugh and walking over to him. “Lucien my boy! You should have called ahead and I would have met you at the bus stop!” He pulled Lucien into a tight hug which made the younger squeak a little in surprise. Before Lucien could express how uncomfortable he was with this level of physical contact his grandpa moved back and directed him towards the house. “Come on in. I’ll put the kettle on and make us a nice pot of tea.”

Lucien followed the old man inside and sat at the table while they started to boil some water. The house was nice and homey. It gave off a sense of warmth that Apollyon hadn’t really felt in a long time. It was nice. It made him feel good. However the feelings of happiness made him feel guilty. He wasn’t really meant to be happy. He shouldn’t feel happy. He wasn’t meant to be happy like this. Because he was broken.

“Broken…”

His grandpa looked over at him. “Sorry, did you say something?”

“... No, I didn’t say anything… Your house is really nice grandpa.”

“Thank you.” He checked the kettle once more before sitting down across from his grandson. He smiled at him with kind eyes. “So how are you getting along? I know things have been a bit distant since your mother’s passing. Are you still living with your aunt?”

As soon as he said that a horrifying realization dawned on him. No one had told his grandpa what happened last year. He didn’t know. He could lie. He could say everything is fine and paint a nice, happy family picture. One where his father called frequently from wherever he was in the world and one where his aunt was nice to him and acted like a mother. He would have loved to say those things. Make up all kinds of lies to the old man, but he didn’t want to. Not with him.

His grandpa had always been nice. That much was clear in his memories. He remembered the old man that would hoist him up onto his shoulders to pick apples and peaches, the old man that taught him to fish and showed him his first slime monster deep in the secret woods.

Lucien gulped nervously and looked down at his lap, not daring to look at his grandpa. “I-I have something to tell you…”

***

“-and that’s why I’m living on my own.” Concluded Lucien. He hadn’t looked up once since he started his story. He thought for sure the old man would stop him a few times to ask questions or straight up say he was lying. He wouldn’t have been the first adult to say that.

His grandpa was quiet for a moment before he reached over the table and put his hand on Lucien’s shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault Lucien. What happened with your aunt… Your father had no right to blame you for what she did. You’re just a kid.”

Lucien suddenly felt tears welling up in his eyes that he couldn’t stop from falling. “Really? How can it not be my fault? I let her do it. I let her get away with it.” He sniffled and rubbed his eyes. “What kind of a man am I? I could have stopped her but I didn’t and now everything is all like this and I… I’m a mess…”

His grandpa gently shushed him and hugged him. “It’s okay Lucien. Nothing that happened was your fault. It was all out of your control… If you would like to, you can stay here with me from now on. You don’t have to go back to living in the city.”

Lucien didn’t know how he felt about that. He didn’t want to live with people. Living with people at the moment was just… He didn’t like it. “I don’t know…”

“Think about it.” He poured the two of them some tea and got Lucien a clean handkerchief. “Here. Wipe your eyes and blow your nose.” Lucien did as he was told. “Now, let’s talk about better things, shall we? How is school? I heard from Robin’s boy that you’re going to the same high school now.”

“Robin’s boy?”

“Sebastian.”

“Oh. Yeah, we’re going to the same school. He’s nice to me, and so is Sam and Abigail.” He wondered how they were going setting things up in Sebastian’s room. Maybe they were done by now?

A knock at the door made his grandpa get up and open the door. “Why, if it isn’t Abigail, Sebastian and… I’m sorry your name escapes me lad. I know I have seen you around sometime…”

“It’s Sam sir.” Said Sam.

Abby grinned. “Yep. Is Lucien here Mr Berg? We were going to show him around the town.”

The old man laughed and nodded. “I see. Well I see no harm in that. As long as Lucien comes back in time for dinner. We still have a lot to catch up on. You okay with that Lucien?”

Lucien nodded a little and walked over to his friends. He was glad to have this quick escape. He didn’t feel like he could stand being in the same place as his grandpa at the moment. He had dropped a lot of information on the old man and he would need some time to properly comprehend everything he had told him.

“See you tonight gramps.”

He smiled at his grandson. “If you kids want to walk around the farm you can, but don’t trample the plants or spook the animals… And stay away from the beehives.”

“We will Mr Berg!” Chirped Abby as she linked arms with Lucien. “Well let’s walk to town and show you around.”

***

Was Sebastian the only one that was hyper vigilant or was everyone around him really stupid? Lucien was looking like shit and Mr Berg looked kind of apprehensive. Did something happen between them while they were dumping all of Sam’s crap in his basement? It had to. Why were his friends oblivious to it?

“-and that’s my dad’s shop.” Said Abby. “Next to that is the clinic that just opened. About time too. This town is getting old and we need a doc on here. He’s still getting his shit together but he should be opened later today or something.”

“Huh, okay.” Said Lucien. “So is your house like, in the back of the shop?”

“Yep. We got some Yoba altar in there too so all the religious people go in there like every Sunday. Kind of annoying but whatever. It makes them happy.”

Lucien nodded and continued to look around the town square. “So… not too many houses around here huh?”

Abby nodded. “Yep. Over there is the mayor’s house, that’s the library, blacksmiths, saloon, Penny’s trailer, Alex’s place… Haley’s place, and soon to be Sam’s house.” 

Sam grinned. “Yep. Can’t wait to move in. The Beach is only a few minutes walk from the house. That’ll be awesome in Summer.”

“Totally.” Agreed Abby. She quickly looked around. “Let’s see… Down that path to the beach is Willy’s fishing shop. The path to the left is Marine’s ranch, the forest, and the log cabin. Up north is… the community center. Beyond that is the mines, spa, and Sebastian’s house.”

Lucien nodded. “This town is pretty small… I like it.”

“Better than the city?” Asked Sebastian. He didn’t understand why anyone would like Pelican town more than Zuzu city.

Lucien smiled at him. “Better than Zuzu city.”

Suddenly Caroline walked out of Pierre’s general store and waved at them. “Abigail!” She called.

Abby tried her best not to roll her eyes. She just smiled. “Yes mum? Oh by the way have you met Lucien? He’s Mr Berg’s grandson. He’s staying over the weekend.”

Caroline smiled warmly at him. “Hello. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Caroline. Abigail’s mother.”

“Nice to meet you…” Said Lucien quietly. He seemed to be standing partially behind Abby and was slightly hunched over, trying to make himself appear small, and although he seemed to be a little timid he was keeping a close eye on her. “Like Abby said, I’m Lucien.”

The older woman continued to smile at him. “Well it’s very nice to see you. Are you going to be helping Mr Berg on his farm?”

“Yeah, everyone was just showing me around.”

“That’s good.”

Sebastian was starting to get frustrated. How was he the only one seeing that Lucien was clearly uncomfortable talking to Caroline? While on one hand that was really weird and he thought it was kind of strange, he didn’t really like seeing people being so uncomfortable. It made him feel uncomfortable. While he was brooding over this Caroline said her goodbyes and headed off towards the community center. When she was gone Lucien visibly relaxed.

Abby sighed a little. “Parents… Let’s head up to the train tracks! If a train goes by we might catch something that falls out of the carriage.”

“They don’t secure it properly?”

She shrugged. “Guess they don’t get paid enough.”

“One summer a six pack of joja cola flew out of a carriage and almost killed Sebastian.” Said Sam. “Knocked him out for a good five minutes.”

At the mention of the joja cola fiasco Sebastian instinctively rubbed his head where the six pack had hit him. “I ended up with stitches…”

The group headed up to the train tracks and Abby went exploring with Sam to see if anything had fallen out of any trains close to the spa. Sebastian and Lucien walked down the other side of the tracks and looked around.

Lucien balanced along one track as he walked along. “So… does the train stop here?”

“Used to.” Said Sebastian. “But that was ages ago and by the time I was ten the lines got changed so they only move cargo and stuff.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah… Are you okay? You seemed kind of tense before when Caroline was talking to you.”

“Hmm? Oh that.” Lucien let out a small nervous laugh. “I used to live with my aunt and she was kind of a scary bitch. So I get a little nervous around older women. I guess that means I have a mild form of gynophobia?”

Sebastian frowned a little and kicked a pebble. “Really? You get along with Abby just fine.”

“Well yeah, girls my age and younger I’m fine with, and old ladies too… It’s just that very specific age bracket of women that make me uncomfortable.” He stepped off the train track and picked up a dusty black rock. “... I think I found some coal.”

“Looks like it.” Now Sebastian had a little more understanding about Lucien. He felt it was kind of strange for someone to actually have gynophobia. Then again if it exists then there’s bound to be a fear of it. At least he didn’t seem to go into full on panic attacks around older women, so that was good. Did this mean he would have to try and make sure Lucien and his mum weren’t alone or something? That was a hassle.

“... Hey Sebastian? Can you keep that a secret?” Asked Lucien.

“That you found some coal?”

“Ha, ha, funny guy. I meant the gynophobia thing.” Said Lucien. “If word gets around that I’m scared of women people will spread rumors that I’m a misogynist, and I’m not. I’m just scared of them.”

Sebastian nodded a little and stopped walking since they got to the start of the tunnel. “I get it. Besides, what would I gain from spreading that wound anyway?”

“... Remind me not to get on your bad side. I don’t need you blackmailing me.”

A train whistle bellowed through the tunnels and made the teens jump in surprise. They quickly darted off the tracks and watched the large freight train chug past them. A lump of wood fell out of one of the carriages, almost crippling Sam when it hit his leg.


	6. Dinner at the saloon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. So like, there's a 50/50 chance I might not be able to post for a while because well... I live in Australia and we're experiencing huge heatwaves right now so it's possible I could have a blackout in my area all weekend. Especially since it's meant to hit record highs and you can bet I'm either going to be going to the pools or sitting in a shopping center to beat the heat. Peace out y'all. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Later that night his grandpa took Lucien to the stardrop saloon for dinner. It was a nice little place with a big fireplace and a jukebox that played some dinky song with a slight twang. He liked it. He followed his grandpa to a table and sat across from him. His grandpa waved at the man behind the bar and they waved back.

“Ah, Isaac want your usual pre dinner drink?” Asked the man.

His grandpa nodded. “Yep, and some cola for my grandson.”

“You got it.” The man quickly went to work getting their drinks ready.

Satisfied with the service, his grandpa happily turned his attention back to Lucien. “That’s Gus by the way. He’s a good man, Been running this place for years. One of the local girls works here too. A nice young thing with bright blue hair. Little Emily.”

Almost as if she had been summoned a blur of blue and red rushed through the doors and quickly zipped behind the bar. She took a moment to catch her breath before apologizing to Gus profusely. “I’m so sorry Gus. I was helping Haley remember how to write a bibliography since she’s really not too good at that stuff and you know how teachers can be with-”

Gus chuckled and put two drinks on the bar. “It’s okay Emily. You’re only five minutes late and I know you’re not going to make this a regular thing. Take these drinks to Isaac and his grandson.”

“Roger dodger.” Emily quickly picked up the drinks and went over to them. She gave them her best smile. “Here you go Mr Berg, and grandson of Mr Berg.”

The older man chuckled a little. “You can call me Isaac if you want Emily. You’re an adult now.”

Emily laughed a little and took out her notepad. “Ah, I know. But let’s face it. You’re always going to be Mr Berg to me… Or Mr Berger.”

He laughed his typical jolly laugh. “I almost forgot some of you kids called me that. Ah, how time flies, little Emily.”

“Not so little anymore.” She said with a grin. “So you want your usual fried eel with a side serving of bean hot pot?”

“Hmm… I heard Willy’s gone and sold Gus some pretty excellent fish earlier today. Let’s go with fish stew tonight.”

“A marvelous choice as usual Mr Isaac Berg.” Emily then turned her attention to Lucien. “And what about you champ? Anything on our menu tickle your fancy?” 

Lucien was suddenly caught on the spot. He had no idea what he wanted to eat. He had been too distracted by the conversation happening right in front of him to even look. He quickly looked up at the menu and made an indecisive noise.

Luckily for him Emily seemed to take pity on him. “If you’d like my suggestion I personally think the crispy bass and the salmon dinner are really good. You just have to make sure you leave room for dessert because the rhubarb pie is to die for.”

“O-okay.” Said Lucien nervously. “Crispy bass please.”

“You got it.” She quickly scribbled it down. “By the way, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Lucien.”

Emily seemed surprised for a moment. “Oh! So do you know my little sister, Haley?”

“Yeah, we’ve met.”

She nodded and gave him an approving look. “How interesting. Well I hope you two have a nice evening. I’ll be back with your food soon.” She quickly headed back over to Gus with their order, 

Despite not really talking to her that much, Lucien felt emotionally drained. Emily sure was something. His grandpa seemed to notice something wasn’t right with Lucien and offered him a sympathetic look. “Are you doing okay?”

Lucien nodded and sipped some of his drink. “Yeah…” He was feeling a little embarrassed about admitting his gynophobia to Sebastian and he practically told Alex that he had been abused by a family member, and on top of all that he told his grandpa everything that had happened between him, his aunt, and his father. This week had been pretty crazy if he had to say so himself.

“Did you think more about my offer?” He asked. “It wouldn’t be any trouble if you moved in here with me… It would give me some peace of mind if you did.”

Lucien looked down into his drink and nervously played with his hair. “I um… I know why you would say those things grandpa, but I still don’t know… I’ll have to call my dad and talk to him about it… Though I don’t know if he will listen to me. He never has since mum died.”

His grandfather frowned when he heard that. “I see… Well either way you’re staying here tonight. The last bus to Zuzu city will be leaving by the time we start dinner. Will you be okay with sleeping on a cot tonight? Would you prefer the bed?”

“Grandpa, it’s your bed. I’m perfectly fine with the cot.”

The old man nodded a little and sighed. “I’ll need to ask Robin to build you a bed.”

“I didn’t say I was staying.”

“Just in case, and if you don’t stay I’ll have a new bed frame.”

Lucien nodded a little and continued to slowly sip his drink. Moving in with the old man was just too soon. Plus his father wouldn’t approve. Not because he was controlling or anything, but because it would take forever to actually talk to him. If he needed him to sign school work he had to Email him the paperwork and tag it in all caps URGANT SCHOOL WORK. Even then it was still a hit or miss if he would respond. He’d missed out on several school excursions because of that.

He heard the saloon doors open up and looked over to see an old man walking in. They saw the two of them sitting at their table and walked over. “Hello Isaac.” He said with a smile. “Hard day on the farm?”

“You know it Lewis. By the way, this is my grandson, Lucien. Lucien, this is mayor Lewis.” 

Lewis grinned and shook Lucien’s hand, even though Lucien didn’t offer it to him. “Nice to meet you boy. It’s always nice when the kids come to visit us old folks. You gonna help Isaac on his farm?”

Lucien quickly pulled his hand back and nodded a little. “Y-yeah. Just for the weekend. I live in Zuzu city…” He glanced at the door and noticed Sam walking in with Abby and Sebastian. They didn’t look over at him and headed over to the other side of the saloon into the arcade.

His grandpa noticed his gaze and chuckled a little. “Go on Lucien. Go hang out with your friends. I’ll call you over when our food is done.”

Lucien nodded and quickly headed to the arcade. “Hey guys. Good to see you’re still able to walk Sam.”

Sam laughed a little and pulled his pant leg up to show of his dark purple bruise. “As long as no one touches my leg I’ll be okay.”

“... You sure that’s not broken?”

“He can walk on it.” Said Sebastian as he grabbed a pool cue from the wall. “As long as he can do that it doesn’t matter. You want to break it apart Sam or will I?”

“I wanna do it!” Sam quickly went and grabbed a cue.

Lucien watched them set everything up and frowned a little. “So how long have you guys been playing?”

“We started last summer.” Said Sam. “We got tired of waiting for Abby to die at Journey of the Prairie King so we could have a go.”

Abby shrugged. “Not my fault I’m better at it than you two. You ever played it Lucien?”

Lucien looked over at the arcade machines and shrugged. “I haven’t been to many arcades so no…”

She looked shocked. “What? Seriously? You’re a city kid! I thought parks, arcades, and food courts was were you congregated? Looks like we’re going to have to fix that. You got some quater’s on you, right?” She dragged him over to the machine with a huge star on the front of it. “Okay, so the trick with this one is that you have to be super aware of everything around you and like, shoot everything.”

“Right… What do these buttons do?” Lucien felt completely out of his depth here. All the instructions had been completely worn away on the machine from constant touching.

Abby quickly pointed to the buttons. “Joystick to move, green button to shoot, blue to activate the special drop items like the coffee speed boost and the nuke. Yellow button is to confirm what upgrade you want when you get to a vendor. Get as many coins as you can because you’ll want that super gun when it pops up.”

“O-okay.” He could do this.

“Yeah, and watch out for imps. Those little red bastards are the worst things ever.” She popped a coin into the machine and patted his back. “Good luck pal. You’ll need it. The boys never get past the prairie levels.”

***

While Abby and Lucien were occupied with their game, Sam and Sebastian continued with their own game. They were a little loose with the rules, but they were just beginners after all. Plus since they weren’t such sticklers for rules it allowed them to just have fun. Sam took the first shot but didn’t manage to sink a ball so he stood back and let Sebastian have a go. They were quiet for a while until they figured out who was trying to sink solids or stripes.

“... So.” Said Sam as he lined up his next shot.

“So?”

“You’ve been a little quiet. More so than usual. Is this a family thing or a Lucien thing?”

Sebastian frowned and glanced over at the brunette concentrating hard at his game while Abby hovered around him. “Why would it be a Lucien thing?”

“Because you’re antisocial and don’t like new people.” Said Sam bluntly. “And you’ve been really quiet all day. Even Abby said so when we were at the train tracks earlier. Do you not like him or something?”

“It’s not that I don’t like him… He just seems a little complicated.” He wasn’t like he was going to tell Sam what Lucien had told him in confidence. “I can’t get a good read on him. It’s annoying. That’s all. You know I prefer to observe people at first anyway.”

Sam took his shot and missed. “Fuck. Anyway, you shouldn’t be so cold man. Be more open with him. Be more open with people in general. You’ll change your life for the better if you do.”

“I guess…”

“Better to be nice than mean.” He leaned against the pool table and looked down at the balls. He seemed to be trying to figure out what his next move was. “Think he’ll move in with his grandpa now?”

“Hmm?” He was only half listening now since it was his turn to play. He had his eye on a good shot too.

“Mr Berg.” Said Sam. “Think Lucien’s going to live with him now? He lives alone and everything, which is cool and all, but it must be lonely doing that all the time.”

Sebastian shrugged and took his shot. “Maybe. Who knows? Not like we’re his parents or anything. He can do what he likes… Personally I’d love to have my own apartment in the city far away from this mess of a town. Still don’t know why you want to move here. It’s dumb.”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yeah sure, it’ll be a big change and everything, but my dad just got his letter. He’s heading off to war soon and mum wants to make sure we’re in the countryside because well… Do you have any idea how much stuff in the city sounds like guns going off or explosions? Especially around construction sites? I don’t know much about the army but I know damn well that PTDS really fucks with your head. All kinds of things can trigger it. Things like sounds, smells, tastes, looking at certain stuff… Think my dad will be able to watch horror movies when he gets back?”

Sebastian shrugged again. He didn’t know how that stuff worked. “Maybe. I don’t know. Probably best not to show him anything gory. Might make him stab someone or something… Look, my knowledge of PTSD comes from TV shows and movies so like you know… PTSD guy is almost always either the bad guy, used by the bad guy, or as a red herring and gets killed by the real bad guy.”

“... Sucks.”

“No freaking way!” Gasped Abby. “You got to the forest boss! That’s so cool! You almost made it to the graveyard.” She turned and pointed at the boys. “Ha! Lucien beat your useless asses, and he doesn’t even play games!”

Sam’s jaw dropped. “No way! Seriously? What the heck?”

While Sam was in awe of Lucien’s achievement Emily walked in and waved over at Lucien. “Hey there. Sorry to interrupt but I just took your food out. I assumed you were gonna eat with your grandpa?”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah. Thanks Emily.” He smiled at his friends. “Let’s meet up tomorrow?”

“Totally.” Said Abby. “Let’s meet up at Sebastian’s place. That the house we passed near the train tracks. Can’t miss it. Come around mid morning.”

Lucien nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you guys there.” He waved to them and quickly went over to his grandpa.


	7. A day in Pelican Town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha! It didn't blackout here! It rained for a few minutes instead! Ha! Ha! Ha! Anyway, please kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien reached his hand out but it was immediately slapped away. “Don’t touch me… I can’t even stand to look at you.”

“But…”

“You look just like your mother. It’s disgusting. You’re a man. Cut your damn hair.”

“But mum liked my hair lo-” Lucien was cut off by a harsh slap to his face.

“Well she isn’t here is she? Are you going to cry now? Grow up. Your mother isn’t here to coddle you anymore. What are you? Some kind of sissy faggot?”

“N-no sir.” Lucien’s face hurt when he spoke but he needed to give an answer. He couldn’t look at them. He just stared down at the ground at their feet. “I-I’m not a sissy faggot… I’m a man.”

“Damn right you are. No son of mine is a faggot. Now, I’ve been offered a job overseas.” They said. “You’ll be living with your aunt from now on.”

Lucien’s eyes snapped up from the ground and stared at them in shock. “B-but I want to go with you dad. I-I’ll be good I promise. Please dad, take me with you!”

That just earned him another slap to the face. “Stop being so selfish. I’m doing this for you. You want a place to live? Want food? Want clothes? If so then I have to go and work overseas. You’re a selfish brat who thinks about no one but themselves. This is what happens when a woman coddles their boys. They become selfish little sissy faggots.”

Without any provocation Lucien got hit again, much harder this time, and fell to the floor. “I-I’m not…” He instinctively curled in on himself. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

His father groaned a little in frustration and started to walk away. “Pack whatever you want. Your aunt will be here to pick you up in an hour. I don’t have anymore time to waste. My plane will be leaving soon. Bye Lucien.”

***

Lucien sat up and gasped a little in shock. He hadn’t had dreams about his father in years. He didn’t even remember what he looked like anymore it had been so long. He wasn’t always so abusive. He just couldn’t handle it after Lucien’s mother died suddenly.

He rubbed his eyes and pulled himself up into a sitting position. It was Sunday. It was early in the morning because he could hear the early morning bird songs and his grandpa wasn’t there anymore. He was probably out doing farm work.

He got up, made his bed or cot as it were, and started to make breakfast. There were some eggs and bread. His grandpa didn’t really have much in the way of kitchen so Lucien made do by boiling some of the eggs while using a simple campfire tool to make some toast. He was considering making some tea when the door opened and his grandfather walked in.

“Ah, you’re up early for a teenager. I didn’t expect you to rise before noon.”

Lucien shrugged and turned his attention back to the toast. “I have trouble sleeping. I usually wake up this early.”

His grandpa nodded a little and sat at the table. “... Are you religious at all?”

“No. Are you?”

His grandpa shook his head. “Ah, no. I was just asking because there is a shrine you can go to in town if you went to religious services, but if not that’s okay.”

Lucien nodded a little and served his grandpa breakfast. They ate in silence, and when they were done Lucien stood up and looked around for a place to put his plate. His grandpa gestured to a large metal bucket with a few plates in it.

“Dish bucket.” He waited till Lucien put them away before he spoke again. “So, what are your plans today?”

“I think I might go for a walk.” Said Lucien. “After that I was going to hang out with my friends… Do you need me to help around the farm?”

The old man shook his head. “Nah, the youth should be out enjoying life not busying themselves with farm work.”

Lucien nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you later tonight grandpa.”

“See you soon Lucien… I love you.”

Lucien paused a little, unsure how to process this kind of verbal confirmation of familial love. He smiled back at his grandpa and parroted it back. “Love you too.” He quickly left the house and the farm, walking right into town. He hated himself for parroting words back without meaning. 

He liked his grandpa, but he didn’t have any real feelings beyond like. He knew that there were all different kinds of love and the love people had between family members was broken. He knew that everything in his mind was warped and disgusting and broken. Deep within him he just didn’t feel like he could actually love someone or something to the intensity that he as a human should. He was broken. Damaged goods.

He continued to walk till he got to the library. He didn’t know what if it was open or not, but the door was unlocked so he went in. A man in a blue cowboy hat looked up from the front desk and gave him a slightly confused look.

“Morning stranger.”

“M-morning… Is the library not open yet?”

The man nodded. “It is. Name’s Gunther by the way. Keep things tidy and we’ll get along just fine.”

Lucien nodded and quickly went off to explore the library to see what kinds of books they had in this town. All of them were really old and kind of smelt musty. It was kind of nice to be in this kind of place. It made him feel a little better after feeling like shit before.

He heard the door open and glanced over to see that quiet redhead girl that was in his year. She squeaked a little in surprise when she saw him. “Oh, hello there Lucien.”

“Hi Penny. So you live here?”

She nodded and walked over to a table, putting down some of her school books. “Yeah. I um… I live in the trailer with my mum… She is… She’s kind of grumpy woman.”

“I see… So what are you doing here so early in the morning?”

“Homework.” She opened up her maths textbook to an example page and started to take her pencils out of her bag. “I’m not very good at maths and it’s a lot easier to do it in here than at home… So you’re Mr Berg’s grandson?”

“Yeah.” Lucien sat down by her and had a quick look at her maths problems. He was in the advanced maths class while Penny looked like she was in the normal class. “Just came over this weekend to see him and to like, hang out with some friends. Want some help with this?”

Penny blushed and quickly shook her head. “Oh, n-no. Really. You don’t have to do that.”

Lucien shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I do advanced maths and besides it looks pretty simple. I want to help you.”

“O-okay. Thank you.” The two of them spent the next half an hour doing maths work. It went much faster with them working together and Penny was extremely grateful for it. “That would have taken me hours to do this on my own… I’m not that smart.”

“You’re plenty smart Penny.” Said Lucien honestly. “I’m pretty much average in all my school work with no real standout points. Besides, grades don’t really mean anything do they?”

She shrugged. “Well, when we get out half yearly reports you’ll probably be one of the smarter kids in our year.”

“Why do you say that?”

“You went to a private school before, right? Private school kids are generally smarter than public school kids.”

Lucien rolled his eyes. “That’s bull. I know for a fact some of the dumbest kids in my year were getting passing grades because their parents were donating stupid amounts of money. In my own opinion it all just depends how someone uses the mind they were given. I was average at my old school so I’ll be average here too. Not that I mind much. Being average is okay with me.”

Penny nodded a little. “I see… Well I hope I improve a little in maths over the next few years…”

“Why?”

“... I really want to become a teacher.” Admitted Penny. “I want to teach kids to the best of my ability even if my ability is kind of limited.” She sighed a little and started to put some of her books away. “I read that I need to score high in all my subjects to get into the course I want and even then I might not be able to… Next year I’m going to see if I can apply for scholarships.” 

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Yeah… What do you want to do when you leave school?”

That was something Lucien hadn’t really thought of before. In all honesty he didn’t really see what he was doing past the next day let alone when school was over. It was nothing but a blank slate. It made him feel nauseous to realise he couldn’t imagine himself becoming an adult. However he needed to say something because Penny was looking at him with expectant eyes.

“A vet.” He said as it was the first thing that came to mind. “I like animals and I want to make them better when they get hurt. They put so much trust in us we have a responsibility to look after them.”

She smiled when he said that. “That sounds like a really good thing to aim for. I really admire anyone who goes into the medical industry be it for humans or animals. I hope you get into a good vet school.”

Lucien smiled back at her but it felt hollow again. “Thanks Penny. I’m sure you’re going to be a good teacher too.”

He helped her pack up her things and then the two of them walked back to the trailer. As they did Lucien was a little surprised to see Alex standing in front of house tossing around a gridball. Penny noticed his gaze and smiled a little at him. “Yeah, Alex lives here with his grandparents. I’m guessing you didn’t know he lived here?”

“Abby told me the other day when she was showing me around.”

She smiled. “ That was nice of her. I know he’s a little… He’s a lot nicer here in Pelican town than he is in school. I think the people he hands out with kind of… I think it’s a mob mentality thing.”

Lucien shrugged as he walked along the edge of the river. He thought for a moment he saw a fish dart by. “Probably.”

Suddenly the trailer door swung open and a woman with shirt, permed, blond hair walked out. She looked rather displeased at how bright it was outside. As soon as she spotted the two of them she walked over and Lucien immediately felt scared by her.

“Penny,” she said. “I left some money on the counter to get some groceries while I’m at work and… You’re Isaac’s kid aren’t you?”

Lucien nodded and instinctively took a step back. His heels were right on the edge now. Any more backwards movement and he’d fall in. “Yeah. Lucien.”

“Pam.” She looked between him and Penny. “You better be treating my girl right there boy.”

Both teens started blushing, Penny more so than Lucien. “M-mother!” Squeaked Penny. “It’s not like that!”

Pam scoffed and crossed her arms. “That’s what they all say Penny.” She walked closer to them and Lucien felt trapped. He knew he was being stupid and he had no reason to be this worried, but he was. His fight or flight instincts were kicking in and as he felt his legs start to tremble he knew his body was going for the flight option. “Either way you better treat her good kid or you’ll have to deal with me.”

“I-I um. Y-yes. Of course I um…” In the middle of his ramblings his legs gave out and he fell backwards into the water. In surprise he spluttered and splashed around. Trying desperately to get to the surface. He couldn’t swim. He was drowning. He tried to breach the water and gasp in a lungful of air, but instead he got a lungful of water. His lungs were on fire and his body was numb. He stopped struggling and his eyelids slipped shut.

***

Moments later he was vomiting up water back on dry land. He felt dizzy, and sick, and like gravity was pressing down on him. There was a ringing in his ears, but that was slowly dying down and he could hear things again.

“Just relax.” Said a familiar voice. “Concentrate on breathing.”

Lucien blinked slowly a few times till he could properly see who the heck was around him. It looked like Penny, Alex, Pam, and Harvey. Wait Harvey? Lucien sat up and immediately felt dizzy. “Harvey?”

The doctor steadied him. “Easy there. You breathed in a lot of water.”

He nodded a little and groaned. “Who pulled me out?”

Alex raised his hand. “That would be me. You’re lucky I know CPR too.”

Pam sighed in relief. “Yoba kid, you gave us all a heart attack. If you can’t swim stay the fuck away from deep water. Think he’ll be okay now doc?”

Harvey nodded. “I’ll take him to the clinic and contact his parents. He’ll be fine.”

The older woman nodded. “Right. Well as long as you’re not gonna drop dead I’m gonna head to work.” She waved goodbye to them and headed towards the bus stop.

With Pam gone Harvey instructed Alex to help him move Lucien into the clinic. As they did this Lucien noticed that Penny looked like she was on the verge of tears. He tried to smile reassuringly at her. “It’s okay Penny. I’m fine.”

“...” That just made the quiet girl burst into tears as she followed them to the clinic.

Lucien continued to try and calm her as Harvey got Alex to set him down on the of the beds in the back of the clinic. “I’m okay Penny. Really. I’m just a little wet. I’m okay.”

“Y-you almost died!” She cried. “If Alex… If Alex didn’t pull you out and give you CPR you’d be dead! I wouldn’t have been able to pull you out!”

Harvey offered Penny a tissue box. “You still helped him by coming to get me.” Said Harvey. “I’m very proud of the both of you for helping. Things would have turned out differently if either of you didn’t play your part. Now I must ask you for your parents contact information so I can call them and let them know what happened.”

Lucien sighed a little. “My grandpa’s Mr Berg. Just call him and let him know.”

“I see… I’ll be back in a moment. I’ll just be out the front making that phone call.” Harvey left and Penny quickly followed mumbling something about needing to be alone for a moment to calm herself.

It was quiet with just him and Alex in the room together, but Lucien decided he needed to break the ice somehow. “So… I guess I should say thanks for saving my life.”

Alex shrugged. “No big deal. Penny would have dragged you out herself if she was strong enough… But Pam’s right. You shouldn’t be hanging around so close to water if you can’t swim.”

“I know… but it seems like a waste to come here and you know not see the wildlife.” He started to lightly tug at his hair. It was still dripping. “... You didn’t have to save me you know.”

“Dude, Penny couldn’t drag you out. If I-”

“That’s not what I meant.” Cut in Lucien. He was feeling that empty, hollow feeling again. Fuck that feeling made him feel broken and torn apart at the seams. “No one had to save me.” He couldn’t even look at Alex at the moment. He could only imagine the disgust on his face at hearing him admit that.

“Are you suicidal?” He asked in a hushed tone.

Lucien shook his head. “No. I’m not actively trying to end my life I just… At this point in my life I wouldn’t really mind if I just didn’t wake up one day. Shit happens.”

“... This sounds like something you should talk with a doctor about.”

Of course it was. Admitting to these darker thoughts was stupid. What would Alex know? No matter what he had been through he hadn’t gone through the same things that he had. There was no way he could actually properly empathise with him. No one could.

He smiled at Alex. “I guess you’re right. There’s no way you’d be able to understand my apathy towards life. As far as I can understand you are fine now. You’re on the other side of whatever shit you’ve been through. I’m still coming to terms with what happened to me.”

“Dude, you really should see a doctor about that.”

“I am.”

“Oh.”

The door opened up and Harvey walked back in. “Now, I have informed Mr Berg about what has happened and he’ll be over in as soon as he can. I suggest you take things easy for the rest of the day. You can go now if you like Alex. Please take Penny with you. She’s calmed down but she’s still shaken up.”

Alex nodded and quickly left. Once they were alone Lucien leat out a long sigh and leaned back on the bed. “So… You decided to come to Pelican town of all places?”

Harvey chuckled a little and sat on a chair. “Yes well, to be fair I didn’t expect to run into you out here. Is your nose better? The bruising and swelling seems to have gone down since I last saw you.”

Lucien smiled a little. “Yeah. My nose is fine now.”

“That’s good. Would you like to contact your parents about this?”

“That won’t be necessary. My mother is dead, my dad is overseas, and my aunt is currently living in Saint Christina’s. My grandpa’s the only one alive and allowed to be out.”

Harvey looked surprised when Lucien mentioned Saint Christina’s. “Really? I don’t mean to sound rude but isn’t a large majority of that facility dedicated to more…”

“Criminally mentally ill?” Asked Lucien. “Yeah. But I think she’s classified as low risk as long as she stays on her medications… And I know you’re just dying to know how messed up her head is and if what she has is going to suddenly pop up in me and make me all crazy. She’s-”

“Ah, no.” Said Harvey quickly. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked. “Your aunt isn’t a patient of mine and there is limited research on inherited mental illnesses. While some mental illnesses seem to be more prevalent if the parents also have mental illnesses from what I have read so far it seems to be more likely to pass on from parent to child not aunt to nephew or niece.” He was rambling now. “But I’m not a mental health doctor and have a very limited knowledge of how to treat mental illnesses and would rather refer patients over to a professional in the field of mental health.”

Lucien couldn’t help but chuckle at him. “Let me guess, mental health is a bit of a touchy subject for you? Well don’t worry. You aren’t going to offend me. I don’t care.”

The loud thump Lucien’s grandpa pounding their hand against the front desk made them both jump. “Hello?!” He bellowed. “Doc? Lucien?” The two exited the back room and Harvey told his grandpa everything that had happened in more detail and informed him about what he should do. Once that was done the two of them went back to the farm.

Lucien felt guilty for causing his grandpa distress. He was an old man. He didn’t need this kind of stress at all in his twilight years. “... Sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Asked his grandpa. “You didn’t mean to fall it. It was an accident. Let’s just go home so you can rest up. You’ll feel better when you do.”

“... Okay.” He kept his head down and fiddled with his hair. It was still damp.


	8. Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can :3

With gusto Abby kicked open the basement door to Sebastian’s room. This made Sam shriek and cover his naked chest as he was in the middle of getting changed and Sebastian almost fell off his bed. “Holy shit my dudes!” She yelled.

“Shut up Abby!” Hissed Sebastian. “My mum and Demetrius are home. They’ll freak out if they hear you swearing. Also knock.”

She rolled her eyes and shut the door behind her. “Bitch please. What were you guys doing anyway?”

“We just woke up!” Whined Sam. “Sebastian’s still wearing his pyjama pants!”

Sebastian looked down at his legs and shrugged. He pants were comfy and he enjoyed how they felt. “So why are you running into my room freaking out?”

Abby clapped her hands and jumped onto Sebastian’s bed. “Alright, so I heard all this yelling and commotion outside this morning. It was weird but I was busy so I didn’t care. Then when I came into this damn house I see Penny and Maru sitting together. Penny looks like she’s been bawling her eyes out and Maru looks completely shocked. Turns out, Lucien almost died this morning.”

The boys were shocked. “What?!”

Abby nodded. “Yep. Idiot fell into the river and almost drowned. Penny went to get that new doctor and Alex fished him out. Bastard was lucky Alex was there. Scary shit man.”

Sam looked dumbfounded. “Holy shit… Is he okay?”

“Apparently he was walking around and all smiles once he woke up again.” Said Abby. “I guess he’s over at Mr Berg’s farm? We should probably see him.”

That was a no brainer. The group was definitely going to go and see him. Sebastian went and grabbed a pair of pants from his pile of clean clothes that he had yet to put away and glanced over at Abby.

“Um… Do you mind?” He asked.

Abby shook her head and made herself comfy on Sebastian’s bed. “Not at all. Take them off. Take them off. Take them off.” She chanted.

Sebastian blushed, walked over to her, pulled the bed sheets over her head and huffed. “Now you keep that over your head till I’ve changed you pervert.”

Abby whined and flailed her arms from her clothed prison. “This bed sheet smell like shitty boy body spray, sweat, and shame… You better not have nutted on this last night! I so don’t want jizz on me damn it!”

Sam did his best to stop himself from dying from laughter while Sebastian’s face went bright red and quickly changed into a clean pair of pants. “Shut up Abby. Those sheets are clean… You can take if off now.”

She slowly took the sheet off and grinned at him. “Aw, and here I was hoping to see your cute white butt.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and quickly pulled on his shoes. “Ah, shut up Abby. Let’s go already.”

The trio took the shortcut down to Datura farm and knocked on the door. Moments later Mr Berg opened up the door. He looked slightly relieved to see them. “Hello everyone. I assume you’re here to see Lucien? Heard about his little accident this morning?”

Abby nodded. “Absolutely sir.”

The old man glanced back into the house for a moment. “I actually need to go down to the beach to talk to Willy, and I don’t feel right about leaving Lucien alone right now after what happened… You don’t mind staying here with him till I come back?”

“Not a problem.” Said Sam. “We’ll make sure he stays out of trouble.”

“Thanks… And he isn’t to leave the house. Doctors orders.” He left the trio and went down to the beach. 

The trio went into the house and easily found Lucien sitting on the only bed in the small house with his forehead pressed against the window. He seemed completely spaced out and didn’t even notice the trio enter. That was until Abby tackled him and made Lucien shriek. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

“Good to see your lungs still work.” 

“You’re going to give me a heart attack!” Whined Lucien. “I almost died once today.”

“Did you see a light?” Asked Sam.

“Nope not one.” Said Lucien. “That light at the end of the tunnel bullshit is a lie.”

Abby grinned and messed up Lucien’s hair. “Well at least you’re okay. That’s the main thing. Too bad you like owe your life to Alex since the mother fucker saved you.”

Lucien laughed a little and shook his head. “Yeah well I guess I’ll have to live with that. It’s not that big of a deal.”

From there the group started talking about all kinds of things. Most of it was related to school things and some movies they were interested in seeing. Superhero and a few horror movies mostly. Then Sam found a pack of cards and they started to play poker. However they didn’t really know the rules and kind of made up some of their own rules. It became very obscure and weird.

“Ha!” Abby laid down her cards. “Read them and weep boys. Three hoes, a pimp and a twink.” She reached for the pen caps and other little bits and bobs they were using as chips when Sam stopped her and showed his cards.

“Soz Abby. Three pimps and two twinks.”

Abby huffed and crossed her arms. “Well fuck.”

Lucien folded. “Can someone remind me again why the we decided to call the King, Queen and Jack cards pimps, hoes and twinks?”

“Because fuck you that’s why.” Abby was still mad that she lost. “Also you made a shitty joke about the ace card being a hole in one. Fuck the golf reference.”

Lucien laughed a little and sat back down on the bed. “You three can keep playing. I’ll just watch.”

While Sam and Abby seemed to be okay with this turn of events Sebastian still felt kind of weird about this. After all, Lucien almost died yet he seemed content to just observe them with vacant eyes. It was creepy. How the hell did his friends not notice this? Were they oblivious or just happy that he was still alive and just ignoring it? He wasn’t sure. 

After a few more hands Sebastian called it quits and moved to sit next to Lucien. He was staring out the window again. “Hey. You okay?”

Lucien shrugged. “I guess. I almost died… You know, I heard somewhere that after a near death experience you’re meant to appreciate life more or some shit. I don’t feel that. Nothing even close to that… I guess I’m just broken.”

“You’re probably in shock or something?”

“Probably.” He gazed out the window and sighed a little. “It was weird you know. I didn’t see a light or like have my life flash before my eyes or see my mum… It would have been nice if I saw her.”

Sebastian nodded a little. “Yeah… When did she pass away?”

“Suddenly when I was like eight. She was hit by a car and died instantly.” He sighed a little. “Sudden deaths seem to haunt my family. It sucks. I’d have just continued the tradition.”

“... You kind of have this dark streak. You know that right?”

“Yeah.”

“...”

“...”

“You know, you can talk to people about it.” Said Sebastian quietly. “Like, I get it. You’re not good at expressing your feelings and such but um… I’m a good listener. At least according to those two anyway.”

Lucien frowned a little as he seemed to think things over in his mind. After a few moments his expression softened a little. “I see, so you’re good at listening. Hearing everyone’s problems? Can you offer advice? Can you help make all the problems that they face disappear just by listening?”

“Never said I could. Just heard sometimes people feel better when they talk it out or something. I don’t know.”

“I see…” Lucien looked like he was thinking more about what to say next. He glanced over at Sam and Abby to make sure they weren’t listening in on them. They then spoke in hushed tones. “You know when people ask you what you want to do in the future when you grow up? I can’t see my future past today. I’m going to keep living but I don’t particularly care if I live or die. In the end only one thing is certain; if it lives it will die. Some things just die sooner than others.”

Sebastian didn’t really know how to react to hearing that. “I don’t know if that was a cry for help or you’re a really pretentious douchebag.”

“I’m a little of both. You know, a lot of things growing up can really mess with your head and change you for better or worse.” Said Lucien quietly. “You probably think my strange attitude towards life and death was because of my mum dying… And while that might be some of it I think the real reason behind my apathy is-”

“FOUR HOES AND A FIVE OF CANDY HEARTS!” Yelled Abby. “SUCK MY CLIT!”

Sam whined and folded. “I don’t wanna… I can’t believe I lost my… seven pen caps and a bottle cap.”

Lucien chuckled. “Really Abby? You’re going with that?”

“Hey, I don’t have a dick and according to basic biology all humans are default female till that second chromosome kicks so technically the dick is nothing more than a fucked up clitorus. So suck my clit!”

Sam laughed and gathered up the cards. “Yo, speaking of genitals and stuff do you think they’ll hand out condoms in sex ed this year?”

“If they do they better be handing out tampons and pads too.” Muttered Abby.

“What do you need a condom for?” Asked Sebastian. “Is your right hand bitching about getting dirty again?”

That made Lucien and Abby roar with laughter. Sam however threw a pen cap at Sebastian. “Shut up man. Not like you’re going to get laid anytime soon either until they legalize sex bots.”

Sebastian dodged the cap and shook his head. “No way man. I’m never touching a sex bot no matter how legal or horny I get. Once robots gain sentience you know which ones are going to hate humanity the most and want to kill them? The sex bots. Also if it malfunctions I don’t want my dick getting minced.”

All the boys cringed at that thought while Abby just laughed. “Yeah, when the uprising happens the bots would upgrade to either have mincers or cutters in all their holes. What’s with all the horrified looks? Just don’t stick your dick in things and you’ll be fine.”

The boys were slightly horrified by Abby’s lack of empathy. Suddenly the front door opened up and mr Berg walked in. He seemed relieved that everyone was getting along. “Everything going alright here? What’s with all the pen caps?”

“We were attempting to play poker.” Said Abby. “It didn’t really end well. We just made up random rules and stuff.”

He nodded a little and pointed to a knife on the table. “Would you mind passing me that knife Sam? I have a fish to descale for dinner. You are staying tonight aren’t you Lucien?”

Lucien looked like he had been caught off guard. “I um… I don’t really have any of my text books and stuff here with me… I’d have to go home to get them…”

“Oh…”

“... Well it’s not like I had any homework or anything.” Said Lucien quietly. “And like, as long as I can borrow textbooks in class I think I’ll be okay.”

“You can borrow from us.” Said Abby. “I leave all my text books at school anyway.”

“Thanks…” Lucien was looking down at his lap. He didn’t seem comfortable being here anymore.

For once his friends seemed to pick up on the atmosphere. Sam cleared his throat and quickly stood up. “Well we should probably get going. You said before you were getting kind of tired Lucien? We should let you get some sleep.”

“Thanks.” He muttered.

“Get well soon!” Said Abby as she quickly left the house. “Nice to see you too mr Berg.” Sam followed Abby and passed mr Berg the descaling knife on the way out.

Before Sebastian left he quickly whispered to Lucien. “What were you going to say something before? What was it?”

Lucien shrugged and smiled at him, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. They looked glazed over and dead. “What are you talking about?”

“... Must have just imagined it.”

“Sounds like it. See you tomorrow. Okay?”

“... Yeah. Later.” Sebastian left, giving a nod of acknowledgement at mr Berg before he left. Lucien was… he was a very strange kid and had way more things going on with him than he thought. He really wasn’t equipped to deal with anything more advanced than teens getting mad at their parents over stupid shit. He wasn’t sure what he could do for someone his age showing signs of depression.

***

Lucien’s grandpa sat outside to descale the fish while Lucien stayed in bed. He stared up at the ceiling and wondered why he was being so loose lipped today. He said more than he needed to when Alex talked to him and he almost told Sebastian about his abuse. That would have been fun.

Then again what was all that bullshit about Sebastian being a good listener? Why would he say that? Probably just trying to get information out of him. That’s just what people did. They lied and waited and used everything they could against you till you became what they wanted. 

It was madness. 

It was agony.

Just thinking about it made him feel like a heavy weight was being pushed on his chest while hands slowly tightened around his throat. He could almost imagine someone sitting on top of him. Their long hair framed their face like veil and slender fingers with painted nails dug into their throat. He could clearly see her ruby red lips through that veil. 

Her actions were malicious but her smile was sweet. “I love you.” The apparition whispered softly. “I love you Tommy. I love you so much. I love you. I love you I love you. You love me too don’t you?”

Lucien could feel their grip getting tighter and the weight on his chest was starting to feel like it was crushing his ribs.

“Say it. Say that you love me too.”

It was useless to resist their advances, they knew that all too well. Yet they did. They kept their mouth shut. If they did then it wouldn’t happen again, right? They could somehow change it. Flip the script in their mind and write themselves a happy ending.

The figure on top of him let out an aggravated growl and started to try and pry his jaw open. “Say it. I’ve given you everything. Just say it for me, please. I love you so much Tommy.”

This was going too far. His mind was making it more and more difficult to tell the difference between reality and fiction. It sure as hell felt real to him right now. 

Where was he? 

He was one a bed right?

That bed.

That room.

How did it go again?

He was on the bed. She was above him. Pleading. She was desperate to hear those words from someone that was no longer around. He was just the next best thing, right? She was desperate to express her love to that person and quite frankly he was tired. Tired of going against her. Tired of being hurt. He just wanted to give up.

“I…”

“Yes Tommy?”

“... I love you too.”

The painted lips on the female figure curled into an almost coy smile. “Oh Tommy. I love you so much.”

Suddenly the front door opened and the figure completely vanished from Lucien’s mind along with the weight on his chest. He quickly sat up feeling disoriented and kind of dizzy, He was here. On the farm. Not in the city where that happened.

His grandpa walked in and put the cleaned fish on the table while he started to get a pot ready at the fireplace. “Sorry there Lucien. I didn’t mean to startle you awake.”

“... It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” He didn’t know if he should let his grandpa know that he just saved him from reliving his past trauma. “Are you making fish stew or something?” 

He nodded and started to add some herbs to the pot. “That’s right. Willy suggested that I slow cook this because the fish its tough. It makes it kind of mushy, but I’m old and the softer food is the better for my teeth… But just because it’s mush doesn’t mean I can’t make it taste good.”

Lucien smiled a little and watched him cook. “I know. Thanks grandpa.”

“No problem… Have you thought a little more about living here with me?”

“A little... I need to talk with my dad first.”

“... Okay.”


	9. Back at school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can please. Enjoy :D

Lucien felt awkward and relieved going to school the next day. He didn’t really understand why though. Today was just another day. He smiled at Penny at the bus stop and tried to be reassuring in some way. She seemed to relax a little when he did so and went back to talking to a girl wearing glasses. She came down to the bus stop with Sebastian and Sam.

“Who’s that you came with?” He asked Sebastian.

“Who? Maru? She’s my half sister.”

Lucien was a little surprised and quickly looked over at Maru again. Now that he thought about it he could kind of see some similarities between them. They kind of had similar eyebrows. That was a thing. Maybe. He didn’t know how genetics worked. Maybe they both took after their mum or dad? He wasn’t sure who remarried whom.

“She seems nice.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Yeah, she’s the perfect child. Straight A’s in everything. Only ever getting a B in PE.”

And Lucien jumped on a landmine. There was clearly some sibling resentment or possibly a rivalry going on here. He wasn’t too sure. “Oh… So Abby do you have any surprise siblings?”

“Nope. Just me and my oldies.” She made a peace sign that didn’t really match her dull expression.

Sam yawned and ran his fingers through his hair. “Ah… When we get to school who wants to do a coffee run across the road?”

“Me.” Said Sebastian quickly. “Demetrius keeps bitching about caffeine stunting my growth and all that shit. I don’t give a fuck. If people don’t want teens to have caffeine they should start school later.”

Abby nudged Lucien’s side. “You want anything? Short black, flat white, cappuccino, iced coffee? What’s your dirty bean water of choice?” 

Just talking about that liquid made Lucien feel sick. But he didn’t want to appear weird or strange. He just smiled and shook his head. “No thanks I don’t drink coffee.”

“Do you want tea then?” Asked Sebastian. “You had tea back at your place, right?”

Lucien was surprised that Sebastian remembered that. “Oh well… I guess, but you don’t have to get me anything.”

Abby shrugged. “Nah boy. You survived a drowning. This tea is on us. So what? Green tea, peach. Iced, black, some kind of citrus infusion?”

“Um, whatever is fine.”

The bus pulled up and everyone got onto the bus. Lucien took a seat by the window and Abby sat next to him while Sam and Sebastian sat in front of them. The ride to school was pretty quiet with nothing really happening and when they got to school the trio ducked over across the road to go to the coffee shop while Lucien went inside.

He went to his locker to see what textbooks and workbooks he had in his locker. But upon opening it a jock walking by immediately slammed it shut. Lucien’s fingers almost got caught. The jock and his other jock friends just laughed and continued walking like nothing happened.

“... Idiots.” Muttered Lucien.

He managed to get to their homeroom relatively early and just sat at a desk to wait for Everyone else to get there. He didn’t have to wait long before his friends came in and dropped off a cup of tea on his desk. It smelled a little like something citrus but he could still very clearly smell the coffee on everyone else. It made him feel dizzy.

“You doing okay?” Asked Abby. “You look a little sick.”

Lucien shrugged and drank his tea. “I’m fine. Just never that crash hot in the morning and… What is this tea?”

“Berry infusion blast green tea. With one spoon of organic honey.” Said Abby. “Apparently it’s popular among some of the girls. But hey each to their own right? A drink is just a drink.”

“Yeah. I like sweet things.” Which was true. He really did like sweet things. Bitter and sour things made him feel unwell. He could eat them but he didn’t like it or have a lot of anything like that. Sweet things just made him happy, and the connection between sugar and good things helped his mind get into that positive headspace too. If he concentrated on the sweetness of the drink he could drown out the bitter smell of the coffee.

Abby’s eyes lit up. “Oh, if you like sweet things I heard there’s this amazing little cake shop in Zuzu city. I think it’s called Saucy Sweets.”

“Isn’t that the place run by that TV cook, Queen of sauce?” Asked Sam.

Abby nodded. “Yep. That’s the one. Apparently they have this amazing chocolate cake and blackberry cobbler. I so want to go there and just eat it all.” She grabbed hold of Lucien’s hands and stared into his eyes. “If I give you the money can you buy me some? I will suck your dick if I have to.”

Lucien’s stomach fluttered when she said that, but not in a good way. More in a bodily warning that he was about to vomit kind of way. He just laughed nervously. “You really want rumours to go around that you’ll suck a dick for cobbler?”

“Saucy Sweets cobbler.” Corrected Abby. “Sam would do the same for the maple bars.”

Sam frowned. “That’s a… Okay fine maybe you have a point and maybe I have no dignity, but maple bars are amazing. So shut your face.”

Lucien sighed a little. “Fine. Give me some money and I’ll find the place.” He actually knew where that shop was. He often passed it when he went for his walks around the city. He never really went in though. That place pretty much always had women in it and well… he recently discovered he’d rather drown himself than be around women.

Abby grinned and hugged him. “You’re the best.”

Lucien held his breath. Why did she have to smell like coffee too? Why did they all have to smell like coffee? Why? What was so good about it? It was disgusting and bitter. He felt like he was going to die. “D-do you want anything Sebastian?”

Sebastian looked up from his notebook. “Hmm? I’ll eat whatever. I don’t really have a favourite sweet… Get off him Abby. Your fat ass is going to crush him.”

Abby huffed and let go of Lucien. “Excuse you. It’s not like I was sitting on him you idiot.”

“Fine, your boobs were crushing him. What are you? Double D’s or something?”

She rolled her eyes and sat in her seat. “Shut your whore mouth Seb. Like I’d tell you my bra size. I can’t help it if I’m top heavy.”

Sam shrugged. “Puberty is a bitch… At least the worst thing that happened to me was the extra height and having to learn how to shave.” Sebastian and Abby looked at Sam with skepticism. “What?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Sam, I can assure you no one would know if you decided to grow a beard for three weeks or three years.”

“Ouch. That’s hurtful.” Sam pouted and rubbed his face where he had presumably had some stubble. “Not like you can do any better Seb. You have no facial hair either.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Facial hair doesn’t make the man Sam.”

Suddenly the homeroom teacher wandered in, slammed his books on the table and death glared everyone. He obviously hated being here just as much, if not more, than everyone else. “Alright kids, and yes Anderson you are all kids in the eyes of the law. Even if you happen to turn eighteen while you’re still at school you’re a damn kid. Got that? Good. Role call.”

***

By the time lunch rolled around Sebastian was still damn tired. Mondays were never really his thing. He unfortunately was the only one out of his group of friends that decided to take physics, and why did he decide to take physics? Because Maru wasn’t. He wanted to be better at her in one of the science fields.

As he walked down to the ground floor he happened to hear some girls from his year talking about something. It sounded like Haley and one of the other plastics she hung around. He was just going to ignore him, but they said something that made him stop.

“He’s kind of cute though, in a weird way.”

“Really?” Asked Haley. “You like Lucien?”

“Well yeah, he’s not ugly but like… It’s hard to explain. He kind of just has something about him that I like. He’s all nice and cute but he has this dangerous side. Totally sexy.”

“Ergh, you’re hopeless. You always go after the weird boys. Bet you’d go after Sebastian.”

“What? Ew, no.” Said the plastic. “Look, I like cute guys that are a little dangerous and stuff. Not weird emo guys. Sebastian’s probably gay for Sam anyway. The two of them are pretty much joined at the hip.”

Haley laughed. “Who knows. Maybe? Sam’s always asking out girls so at least Sam’s not gay.”

“Yeah… Oh Yoba, do you think Lucien’s gay? He said he doesn’t like any of the girls here. He’s totally gay. Think that’s why he changed schools? Some kind of gay thing?”

“No idea.”

“I can totally see it now.” Said the plastic. “Good looking guy from a private school is outed as gay and gets bullied to the point they have to change schools.”

Sebastian could practically hear the disinterest in Haley’s voice. “Really? Something so cliche as that? Really?”

“Fine.” Groaned the plastic. “How about this instead; Lucien has a gay love affair with a male teacher. That would be scandalous enough right? He totally had sex with a teacher.”

“Girl, you need to get your mind out of the gutter or something. Have you been reading weird fanfiction again?”

“... Hush your face Haley. You know student teacher relationships are my guilty pleasure in fiction.”

“Hey girls!” Called Alex. “You heading to the cafeteria?”

“Of course.” Said Haley.

Sebastian waited till he couldn’t hear them talking any longer before he continued to walk down the steps. After hearing all that a few things were running through his mind. Firstly, he had been reaffirmed that the popular people were completely stupid. Secondly, he didn’t know if he should be relieved or insulted that the plastics didn’t find him attractive. Thirdly, were they going to start a rumor that Lucien was gay?

He made his way over behind the shed where his friends were already hanging out. It looked like Sam was in the middle of telling some story when he turned up.

Abby grinned and waved at him. “Hey there emo kid. How was physics? Has you mind been expanded and junk?”

“Kind of…” He sighed and sat next to Abby. “So apparently the popular people might start spreading a rumour that you’re gay Lucien.” Everyone looked surprised. “I overheard one of the plastics saying shit about Lucien maybe being gay or something.”

Abby groaned. “Oh this isn’t going to end well… Does this mean I have to be the fake girlfriend again?”

Lucien was very confused. “Huh? What’s going on?”

Sam sighed. “Like, last year a rumour was going around that Sebastian was gay. Let’s just say there are a few very religious and homophobic people at this school. Slightly less than the few that graduated last year are gone. But still, it was hell for a few weeks.”

“I was the fake girlfriend for a while then too.” Lamented Abby. “That was so weird.”

And Sebastian felt slightly offended. Were those two weeks of awkward hand holding and getting kissed on the cheek really that awkward? That kind of stuff stopped the homophobes from beating him up and stopped the religious kids from trying to shove a book of Yoba into his hands. Then again the religious kids were always trying to shove that book into his hands because of how he dressed.

Lucien looked uncomfortable about the whole situation. “I see… You don’t have to be my fake girlfriend Abby. Whatever bullshit these people want to put me through I’m pretty sure I’ve gone through worse.”

“Private school kids are pretty evil too huh?” Asked Sam.

“Huh? Well yeah. They are way more bold too since their parents throw money at their problems till it goes away.” Said Lucien calmly. “But there are way more Yoba thumping assholes that want to pray the gay away and think all outcasts need to conform or something. It was pretty messed up.”

Abby cringed. “I can imagine… But like if things go to shit I’ll happily play the part of fake girlfriend. It’s no big deal… Pay me in blackberry cobbler.”

Sebastian sighed a little at Abby’s antics. “Look, they might also spread stupid shit like the reason you left your old school was because of bullying or something about an affair with one of your male teachers or something… I’m just going off stuff I’ve heard. Don’t know if it’s actually true or not. Just be aware.”

Lucien sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “This sucks… I’ve never had sex with a man. I wouldn’t know what to do with a man.” A strange look flickered over his face, but only for a moment. “Eh, it’s just not for me.”

Sam shrugged. “No duh. Not all dudes wanna fuck other dudes.”

Lucien blushed a little and laughed nervously. “Yeah. I guess so. I mean… Yeah…”

Sebastian looked between Abby and Sam. Even those two seemed to notice something was a little strange with Lucien right now.

Abby lightly nudged Lucien. “Dude, if you’re interested in men that doesn’t mean you’re gay. Being bi is a thing you know.”

“What? Yeah I know but like…” Lucien sighed and scratched the back of his head. He suddenly looked tired. That was really weird. Was it physically possible for a human to age like 50 years? He had no clue. “I guess I’ve never really thought about sex and stuff like that. I kind of just go with the flow.”

Sam looked surprised. “Really? You’re a high school boy. How can you not think about sex?”

“I just don’t.” Muttered Lucien. “I never really thought about it much. I don’t think about sex all the time… It’s just...People always go on about how it’s the best and most amazing thing in the world but is it really? Why is it the be all and end all?” His facial expression was slowly becoming twisted as he started to talk faster. “Why is sex so damn important? It’s just a thing. Why the hell do we need to be so obsessed about it? Why do people care about it so much? You’re damned if you do it and damned if you don’t. I just wish people would shut the fuck up about it. No one fucking cares and those that do care are fucking bastards that should just fucking die already.” 

He was panting by the end of his mini rant and it left everyone else kind of stunned. They didn’t really expect to hear that from Lucien. He seemed like a really chill kind of guy for the most part.

When he noticed that everyone was staring at him, Lucien blushed and quickly stood up. “I-I have to go to the bathroom. S-see you guys in class.” He quickly dashed away back to the school building.

Everyone was extremely confused. Sam was the first to speak. “We still have like half an hour…”

Abby sighed. “Geeze, what’s his problem?”

Sebastian shrugged. “No idea… I think there’s more going on with him then he’s willing to tell us. I don’t know any guy that would freak out that much about sex. Gay or straight.” 

“Well he went to a private school… Oh fuck...” Sam sighed. “Don’t tell me he got touched by a priest or something… We all know the Northern Star branch of Yoba is full of fucking pedophiles and they just cover it up.”

Abby shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know what branch of Yoba is in every private school… But we probably shouldn’t assume any guy that acts like that got bad touched by someone in the church… Maybe they just had a bad sexual experience or had a super strict upbringing?”

That made the most sense to Sebastian. That and he didn’t want to believe that Lucien was abused in that manner. It made him uncomfortable in ways that made his skin crawl. He hated it. He kind of hoped that it was just a really strict and negative upbringing because of his parents. He knew Sam was a little shaky on some subjects because of his family’s strong religious ties, but he was usually set straight by either Sebastian directing him to the internet or Abby punching him in the face. And the punch thing only happened once when Sam thought girls couldn’t fight.

“Should we go after him?” Asked Sam.

Sebastian shook his head. “Probably not a good idea. He kind of sounded like he needed to calm down by himself for a bit. We’ll see him later in class anyway.”


	10. Pastries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Hope you all enjoy this. Please kudos and comment when you can. I enjoy hearing your feed back. Enjoy :D

Despite having to go to class with them, Lucien did his best to avoid his friends for the rest of the day. He kind of succeeded and managed to get onto the first bus to Zuzu city to avoid Sam. That was a feat and a half. He ended up walking down town to avoid going home, even though he hadn’t been home for several days.

He ended up outside the that bakery Abby kept going on about. The Saucy Sweets. Despite the name it was a very quante and nice looking little bakery and cafe kind of thing. He still wasn’t sure if it was classified as a bakery or a cafe. It always smelt nice and he wanted to go in many times but there was just one thing that prevented him. Women. So many middle aged women. Sure they were just going about their day not bothering him, but it was scary.

Women were scary. But he was a man so he shouldn’t be scared of anything, right? Men aren’t scared of women. Women are scared of men and granted it wasn’t unfounded. They had way more reason to be afraid of him than the other way around. And statistically he knew he should be scared of white men in their mid twenties.

He was over thinking things again. People were starting to stare at him. This was embarrassing. He quickly started walking down the street again. He didn’t really know where he was going. He just kept walking until he got tired. By the time he was tired the sun was starting to set and the temperature was starting to drop.

He walked back towards his apartment. Surprisingly it seemed like his body was naturally directing him in the direction of his apartment anyway. He was on the street opposite to Saucy Sweets. He wasn’t surprised to see that it was still open. Most places in the downtown area closed late.

From where he was standing it kind of looked like there were very few women in there now. “... Fuck it.” He walked into the shop and sat down at a table. He hoped that he hadn’t turned up too late and he’d get kicked out by the staff. However seeing the staff serve drinks to people so he assumed he was okay for the moment.

He picked up one of the menus and was happy to see the variety of sweets that they had. Lucien really liked sweet foods. After a few minutes of looking over his choices a man with long auburn hair walked up to him and took out his notepad.

“Are you ready to make your order?”

“Um yeah. Can I get the caramel tart and an iced milk chocolate?”

The older man quickly scribbled it down and smiled warmly at him. “I’ll be back soon with your order.”

Lucien was a little surprised to see that a man was working here, but then again just because the place gave off a really girly vibe didn’t mean all the staff were going to be female. He had to remind himself that things weren’t always black and white. He needed to just let some things go. Obsessing over this kind of thing was dumb.

Soon the man came back with his food and drink. Much to Lucien’s surprise the man too a seat at the table next to his and took out his phone. He seemed to be a little frustrated and muttered something about being short handed today.

Lucien sat quietly and ate his tart. “... So do you make this in house?” He asked the red head.

The man glanced over at him. “It’s all made in house. Our baker uses the recipe used by the Queen of Sauce herself. I take it you like it?”

Lucien nodded. “Yeah. It’s good.”

The man chuckled a little. “I’m glad you like it. I’ll let Elizabeth know you enjoy her cooking… I’m glad you decided to actually come inside instead of standing outside again.”

A massive blush covered Lucien’s face. “I um… You noticed?”

“Of course.” Said the man. “I’ve been working here for about three years now. At least three or four times a week I either see you walking by or looking into the shop. I don’t mean to be rude but it has caused a small amount of worry for some of my staff. Are you by chance stalking someone?”

Lucien felt like he was going to die of embarrassment. “N-no. I just… I find it hard to go into places that are crowded and busy… I didn’t mean to make anyone uncomfortable working here…”

The man smiled a little. “I see. Social anxiety is a pretty terrible thing. Around this time and very early in the morning is when we are least busy if you wish to come in without having to worry about crowds. My name is Elliott by the way, and you are?”

“L-Lucien.”

“It is good to make your acquaintance Lucien. Pardon the questioning, but are you by chance still in high school? I don’t mean to pry but you seem quite young.”

“I’m still in high school.” He said quietly. He sipped his drink and finished his food. “Um, are you on a break or something?”

Elliott shrugged. “Kind of. We are getting close to wrapping things up for the evening and quite frankly unless something outstanding happens things will continue to wind down till we close. It’s nothing new. As long as one person is behind the counter everything is fine.”

“I see…” Lucien continued to sip his drink.

After a while a woman in uniform came out from behind the counter and handed a thin book to Elliott. “I finished reading it. You were right. It was a pretty good love story even if it is short. I think I finally have some inspiration to finish that paper. See you in class tomorrow, right?”

Elliott took the book from her and smiled. “Of course. I shall see you in class tomorrow.” Lucien attempted to see what was the title of the book he had. Seeing his attempts Elliott couldn’t help but chuckle a little. “It is a children’s book that I quite enjoy. It’s called Tuck Everlasting. It is a tale that explores the concept of immortality. It has a bittersweet conclusion but made sense given the main character’s personality, but it is one that I enjoy all the same.”

“... So you’re in college or something?”

He shrugged. “The local community one. Honestly the main difference between community college and other establishments is how much money you wish to throw at them.” Elliott sighed a little. “Hopefully with the skills I’ve been harnessing I could perhaps write something of value to delight and inspire people.”

“You think yourself a novelist?”

“Well, people have always said I am a romantic at heart… Unfortunately the city doesn’t offer much inspiration for my literary needs.”

“... Why not move to the country?” Suggested Lucien. “I don’t know much about romance and stuff because I’m a shitty teen, but like aren’t most romantic things written about and by people living in nature?”

Elliott seemed to take his words into consideration. “How strange. I myself was considering a change in scenery once I was done with collage, though I was considering seclusion in the snow capped mountains of Pine ridge instead… But perhaps going to a country town would be more advantageous than complete isolation? You have given me much to consider Lucien. I think you for that.”

Damn this Elliott guy spoke all weird and wordy. Very posh and upper class. Could he really not afford anything better than community college? He really did sound like someone that came from money, or at least was around people that sounded like that.

“Huh… Okay. So do I just pay up at the counter or?”

Elliott nodded and stood up. “I’ll ring you up. Is there anything else you would like?”

Lucien looked at the baked goods still on display. “Um… There are a few things.”

***

“You are the fucking best!” Squealed Abby as she hoed into her blackberry cobbler. “Heaven. I’m in heaven.”

Lucien chuckled a little. “Come in Abby don’t eat it all in one go.”

“Yes dad.” She said sarcastically before she stuffed her face. “That cobbler is amazing. I love it.”

Lucien shook his head. “Man you really love that cobbler don’t you?”

“Damn right I do! They lace their pastries with crack!” Exclaimed Abby. “They totally do, right Sam?”

Sam nodded in agreement and continued to eat the maple bar Lucien had bought them. “Yep. All the crack. Not enough to make you a meth head but just enough to make you addicted.”

Lucien laughed a little and looked over at Sebastian who was eating a brownie. “So is it as good as those two make it all out to be?”

Sebastian shrugged. “It’s pretty good, but you know. I’m not going to go crazy for this stuff… You didn’t have to get us anything you know right?”

“It’s no big deal. Really.” Lucien smiled at his friends. “I kind of freaked out a little the other day so like this is kind of an apology I guess?”

“You don’t need to apologize for that.” Said Sebastian. “Shit happens. We all just have to deal with it. Okay?”

Lucien blushed a little and nodded. “Okay.” He was still embarrassed about this. He didn’t want them to think he was weird. Making friends was hard and he just wanted to make them all happy. If he made them happy things would be okay, right? He really wanted them to like him. Everyone wanted to be liked by someone to some extent. Even someone as broken as him wanted to be liked by people, even if it was just one small part of him.

Abby grinned and hugged Lucien. “That was awesome. Buy me more cobbler. I demand cobbler. Cobbler. Cobbler. Cobbler.”

Sam laughed and pried Abby away from him. “What are you? The cobbler queen?”

“Damn straight I am.” She shook Sam off and straightened her shirt. “Oh, by the way I heard that the groundskeeper is going to be spraying for bugs or weeds or something. So we might have to avoid the shed for a few days. Chemicals are nasty.” 

Sebastian frowned. “Where are we going to hang out now?”

Sam shrugged. “School roof? I checked the other day and the lock on the door is still broken. One had turn to the left and jerk the thing up while pushing on it. It’s easy… We just need to try and avoid teachers. But it’s not that hard.”

Lucien had never been up on the roof of a school before. It sounded kind of exciting. He wondered what he could see from up there? Probably just the surrounding buildings. It would be kind of a let down if that was the case, but he still thought he would like it.

***

At lunch time, Sebastian took Lucien up to the rooftop and showed him how to open the door. There was a light breeze going by carrying with it some stray leaves and flowers. It was kind of cliche in Sebastian’s opinion but Lucien looked happy so it was okay.

Lucien ran towards the railing at the edge of roof and looked out across the town. “Wow. This is… It’s beautiful up here.”

Maybe it was just the way the sun fell across his face or the way the wind moved his hair but for a moment Sebastian thought Lucien kind of looked... beautiful? He quickly shook his head clear of those gay thoughts. Yeah he was man enough to admit when another man looked good. But he was a little concerned that his mind going into that territory. He had decided he’d explore his sexuality after high school.

“It’s not that amazing…”

Lucien shrugged and leaned against the railing. “I guess, but you don’t get views like this in the city. Zuzu government park is probably the closest thing. There’s this really big bridge that goes over the Wilson river. It’s goes pretty high up because of all the sail boats that go under it… Still the view is kind of ruined by all the buildings in the background. I like it here. No skyscrapers and junk.”

Sebastian nodded a little and stood next to him. The way they were facing was the complete opposite of Zuzu city. If he strained his eyes a little he could see the Wizard’s tower in Pelican town and just beyond that a tiny sliver of blue that was the gem sea. There was some kind of beauty to it in the day time. 

At night however it wasn’t really anything was it? The country was just blacked out at night. The city was a lot more livelier. He adored the shining lights in all of the neon colours of the rainbow. It just sparked his imagination and gave him a sense comfort that he just couldn’t describe. 

Lucien reached out as far as he could, smiling happily. “Next time I go to Pelican town I actually want to go to the beach.”

“Every been to one?”

“When I was very small. But not recently.” He looked at Sebastian with a warmth and sincerity that he wasn’t used to seeing from them. “If I went to the beach would you come with me?”

“I-”

The roof door swung open and Sam walked out with Abby. “Nice to see you made it up here safely. No teachers gave you guys trouble?”

“We’re fine.” Said Sebastian.

Abby raced over to the railing and looked out at the scenery, letting out a low whistle. “Man you can kind of see Pelican town from here. Pretty cool huh?” 

“Yeah I was just telling Sebastian that.” The two of them quickly dived into some deep conversation about Pelican town and stuff they could see from the roof while Sebastian stepped back to find a shady spot to sit.

Sam soon joined him and the two of them ended up sitting and watching Abby and Lucien talk. It was kind of weird how easily Lucien seemed to perk up in a different environment. As he thought about this Sam lightly nudged him.

“Hey. Is Lucien okay now?”

Sebastian shrugged. “I think so. Whatever was eating him before is over. Now he’s just… He’s normal now. I’m kind of leaning towards maybe it was a strict family upbringing.”

“Yeah… Sounds about right.” Sam chuckled a little. “Remember when I thought girls periods were blue because all the ads for tampons and pads had them absorbing blue liquid?”

That made Sebastian smile a little. “Abby almost slammed her head through a wall she couldn’t believe how stupid you were.”

“I was but a young lad who has been relatively sheltered by fairly religious parents. At least I wasn’t dumb enough to think pulling out before you cum stops girls from getting knocked up.”

“I’ll give you points for that.”

The two of them laughed at that and Sam laid down, using his jacket as a pillow. “... Speaking of, how do you think sex ed is going to go this year?”

Sebastian sighed. “Worst we’ll get told abstinence is the only thing we need to know. At best we’ll get told about aids, a little about condoms and there would probably be a small chance we get given a free condom that will get used as a water balloon because the quality is shit.”

“Sounds about right.” He yawned a little and stretched out. “Think that’s why they do sex ed in Winter now? To avoid the whole water balloon fight thing?”

“Yeah. Still doesn’t work.”

“Not in the slightest.” Sam hummed a little to himself as he watched the clouds go by. “So, you took piano lessons a few years ago, right?”

“... Yeah?”

“Well, I was thinking we could start a band or something. We could do a two person band. Me on guitar and you on a synth.”

Sebastian sighed. It had been a few years since he had played the piano. His mum still probably had it in the garage. She did make the case for it after all so she wasn’t going to just throw it away. He was pretty good at playing it too. He read music well and if he really tried he could probably go to some music collage after he leaves high school, but he didn’t like the idea of playing piano for the rest of his life. 

“I guess… But we probably couldn’t start playing until you move to town. I don’t think I can lug a synth to the city every week and I don’t think your mum would want you staying at my place every weekend.”

“True.” Sam started to drum out a beat on his chest. “We’ll talk about it more when I move in.”

“Oh! You caught it!”

The boys looked over at Lucien and Abby. It seemed like Lucien managed to catch a butterfly. They laughed a little as they watched the insect fly away. Neither of them seemed to believe that the teen was able to pluck one out of the air.

“Keep it down you two!” Called Sebastian. “A teacher might come up here if you talk too loud.”

Lucien and Abby ignored him and continued to enjoy themselves. Thankfully no teacher bothered to check the roof for the rest of lunch.

***

Later that evening when Lucien was back in his apartment he felt like cooking. Today had been a good day and he just felt like being productive and not ordering take out or eating two minute noodles. He bought some fish and frozen vegetables in a steam back. It was a nice, simple dish that he just added some microwaveable rice to make a filling meal.

It was good. He felt good. The change of scenery was a fantastic idea. It was kind of silly to be so happy about it, but he was. He didn’t have very many happy days so when he was happy he did his best to milk it for all it’s worth.

As he sat down to eat he glanced at his phone and thought a little more about what his grandpa had offered. It would be nice to live in Pelican town away from the city. Maybe that would have been a better idea then staying in the city? Maybe he would be happier now if he was there?

He wondered if his grandpa was really okay with him moving in with him or if his dad would let him. Deciding it was best to do it now, Lucien wrote his dad a quick email. He labeled it as he always did, making sure his dad knew it was urgent. He pretty much just wrote one sentence;

Can I please live with grandpa in Pelican town?

Hopefully he would get an answer in the next few months. But that was only if he was lucky. Maybe he’d get an answer by the end of the year and he’d be able to spend Winter Star in Pelican town. That thought made him smile a lot. Sadly he had that lingering feeling in the back of his mind that tomorrow when he woke up he would no longer he happy.


	11. Background

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of this chapter is information about the aunt and Tommy is. It's all really surface level stuff and I do intend to delve deeper into it later on. With that being said, kudos and comment when you can please. Enjoy :D

Love is… different for everyone. Much as the ways people express that love. But what is love? How can it be defined? Is anyone really able to define it? The emotions and tender passions that are associated with love can be and often are associated with other emotions that can be far from what people would consider love.

Society dictates that certain social expectations need to be met for love, and life in general, to work. You grow up, find a partner, get married and have children. By doing these things one can and will obtain happiness. According to society.

So what happens if that set pattern takes one or more detours? What if we’re tossed aside because we can’t fully meet those expectations? One tends to break.

In your lifetime you can only see through your own perspective. What affects you. What charms you. What disgusts you. It’s all a matter of your own perspective. Like love.

Some people can only love conditionally. Where if you don’t fit a certain criteria you’re tossed aside. You don’t deserve love if you embrace someone of the same gender or sex, or different race, or if they had sex before marriage. Does the attraction really diminish if love isn’t pure? How awful and cruel.

Some are content with paying for love by the hour. Pay what you can and drown in that shallow kind of love. The only limit to that love is your bank account. Whose fault is it that you’re too pathetic to find a free source of love? Who is more pathetic? The one getting paid or the one doing the paying? What a sad and dismal lot humanity is that this kind of love is rejected so outwardly.

But what if someone followed society’s expectations and did what was dictated but became disappointed with the results? They should be happy. Right? But why aren’t they happy? They played the game and followed the rules but they aren’t happy. 

Why isn’t it enough? It should be enough. Everyone says it should be enough. Society was wrong. Those expectations are wrong. Why does everything hurt? Is what we are doing wrong?

Am I unclean?

Did I do something wrong?

I played by your rules.

Where is my happy ending?

I followed your game.

Where is it?

Where is my happy ending?

Where is Tommy? I want Tommy! Bring him back to me! Bring him back! I did nothing wrong! Bring him back to me! Tommy! I want Tommy! I want Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!

***

“And she continues to ramble on like that for the rest of the page.” Said Dr Eurwyn. “So her condition has improved somewhat from last time.”

Lucien nodded a little and readjusted himself in the horribly stiff office chair in the doctor’s office. Despite all that happened Lucien was still the only relative that could keep tabs on his aunt’s condition. At least once a month he needed to visit Dr Eurwyn’s office to see how his aunt was going. He also suspected that the doctor was psychoanalysing him as well.

“Well that’s good to hear. I’m glad she’s doing better.”

The Dr smiled a little at him and nodded. “We’re still adjusting her medication to find a balance, but her bipolar disorder seems to have calmed down a lot with her current medication regimen. However she continues to have episodes of paranoid schizophrenia as you might have noticed by her ramblings at the end of her letter. Hopefully in a year or two she will have enough clarity to understand what she did and why it was wrong to do so.” 

“Yeah… Look, I don’t think she’s ever going to actually understand what she did to me and why it was wrong.” Lucien had explained this before. Many times before. His aunt was very deep set in her delusions but as long as she remembered to take her medication she was harmless. 

What happened wasn’t her fault. She was a sick person that needed help. If anything he was the one that was at fault for not recognising she needed help before it was too late. Sure he was happy now that she was getting properly looked after but he should have gotten her help much earlier. He should have done that but he didn’t. That made him feel sick. He was a failure not just as a nephew, but as a human being.

Dr Eurwyn studied Lucien’s face very carefully and seemed to be making a few mental notes about his behaviour. “I know it was difficult to live with someone suffering those mental afflictions for many years… And due to your circumstances I am more than willing to extend sessions about your aunt’s condition so we can work through your trauma.”

“... My trauma?” Lucien tensed up at that thought. He knew he was messed up in the head. He had thoughts and feelings that he shouldn’t be having. It was one thing to admit that to himself but a completely different thing to say it outloud and willingly to someone else. Someone that would try to pick his mind apart and peel back every layer until there’s nothing left. He smiled at the Dr. “Thank you for your concern but I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? I don’t have another appointment for a while.”

Lucien nodded and stood up. “I’m sure. Now if there’s nothing else to talk about I should just go. I have things I need to do.”

“I actually have some more thing to ask.”

“Yes?”

“Over the next year or so I would like to slowly reintroduce you to her. Since her fixation seems to mainly be on you it would be more beneficial for her mental treatment to recognise and accept that your aren’t her late husband, Thomas.”

“... I’ll think about it. Goodbye doctor.”

Dr Eurwyn sighed a little and gestured towards the door. He was obviously disappointed by Lucien’s reaction as usual. “I’ll be seeing you next time then. I’ll have someone message you the day before to remind you to come in.” 

Lucien nodded and quickly left the building. Dr Eurwyn’s office was directly across the street from Saint Christina’s. The wall was extremely high around that building that looked right out of the Victorian era. He didn’t like being this close to that building but he didn’t know if it was because he was close to it or close to his aunt.

He had very conflicting feelings about her. She was a good person most of the time. The only times she got really manic was when she wasn’t on her medication. She snapped and would yell and throw things around. None of her anger was ever directed at him, at least not physically in the beginning.

Back then his uncle Thomas was able to help calm her down when she was in the middle of one of her episodes. Before his aunt’s schizophrenia really started to show he worked in a low risk psychiatric facility so he had the skills and the resources to become her full time carer when it became obvious that she was deteriorating rapidly. 

It was touch a go for a while and she had her moments where she would not or could not tell the difference between reality and her own mind, but Thomas could look after her. He knew what to do. He could look after her when things were going wrong.

Then he died.

Just like his mother, Thomas’s death had been sudden and swift. Shot at close range with a shotgun to the face. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. The killer was a stupid kid trying to hold up a convenient store. Thomas had to be identified using fingerprints.

His aunt didn’t accept that he was dead. She was in denial and her mental conditions made it worse. Thomas wasn’t dead. Of course he wasn’t. Why would he be dead? It was obvious that he was still alive. It was just her mind playing tricks on her making her think that Thomas was dead. He wouldn’t abandon her. He wouldn’t leave her. That had made making funeral arrangements almost impossible. At least Thomas’s family were somewhat understand of his aunt’s condition.

Unfortunately his aunt had convinced herself that the medication she was being forced to take was made specifically to stop her from seeing Thomas. She was convinced by the voices in her head about some crazy conspiracy about unseen people not wanting them to be together. 

Lucien himself didn’t understand how or why she thought this but that didn’t matter. What she believed as reality was reality for her. It didn’t matter how out there or insane that reality was she believed it.

With a sad sigh Lucien walked to the nearest bus stop and waited for a bus back home. Everything just seemed so bleak today. It was always bleak when he had to see that doctor. He got on the bus when it pulled up and quietly waited for his stop.

Looking out the window everything just looked so grey. Grey and washed out. How could this be something someone wanted to go and live in? It was so depressing. He couldn’t wait to go back to school. It was just far enough away from the city to make the depressing bleakness of the cement and glass buildings bearable. He also had friends at school. Not in the city. Sure he technically was friends with Sam, but Sam was moving soon to Pelican town.

He got off at his stop and continued to walk in the vague direction of home. Lucien passed Saucy Sweets and happened to see Elliott. He smiled at him and Elliott smiled back, but that’s all they did in exchange. This was in part because Elliott was busy working and the fact that there were many middle aged women within the shop.

As Lucien continued to walk in the direction of home he wondered what Elliott would do in his situation what with the Dr asking him to help with his abuser who was also a blood relative. Would he agree or flat out refuse? He seemed like a nice guy so he would probably help her. Should Lucien help his aunt?

He didn’t know. Too many contradictory emotions and feelings for him to deal with in one go. He shouldn’t have had to deal with this. Lucien was just a kid.

***

“Yo Lucien, hello?” Abby waved her hand in front of Lucien’s face. He had been spacing out a lot and it was kind of strange. Sebastian had originally thought that this was just Lucien being sleep deprived. But it was the afternoon now and they were having lunch on the rooftop and Lucien was still spacing out.

He just pushed her hand away and smiled a little. “I’m just thinking about family stuff.”

That piqued the interest of the group since he didn’t really speak much about his family and he lived alone.

“Oh? What about?” Asked Sam. 

Lucien shrugged. “My aunt she’s… she’s unwell and I’ve been asked by her doctor to help her with some of her recovery. I just don’t think I have the time or the energy to look after her. She needs full time care.”

Sam frowned a little. “Well she’s family right? If you get along why not help her out a little?”

Abby seemed to agree with him. “Yeah. Just do what you can. You’re just a teen. You can’t like, drive her anywhere and stuff.”

“True… I guess I should help her…” Lucien’s eyes became a little glassy as he stared out across the rooftop. He seemed to have gone back into deep thought. 

It made Sebastian wonder a little if Lucien’s relationship with his aunt was similar to his relationship with Demetrius? Unfortunately the only real way of knowing would be if he asked Lucien about it, and if he did that Lucien would probably want to know about Demetrius. That would just open up old wounds for Sebastian and he didn’t want to think about those things.

“So, on a lighter note-” said Sam. “I’m moving to Pelican town tomorrow!”

“Congrats.” Said Sebastian. “Is Vincent excited?”

Sam grinned. “Heck yeah he is! He wants to go to a farm and see all the animals and just do all kinds of farm stuff. He’s so excited. Think Mr Berg will let him look at the animals?”

“He should.” Said Abby. “The guy likes showing people his farm. He did that for all us kids when we were younger.”

Sebastian nodded in agreement. Mr Berg was always happy to show anyone around the farm. The old man was the first person to show him a baby chicken. Something he thought was very adorable at the time and wanted to keep it. Too bad his mother objected. Besides, Mr Berg showed Sebastian a much more interesting animal. Frogs. 

Small, green, muddy, slimy, and his mother hated them. But he liked them and that’s all that mattered to him. Mr Berg liked frogs too. He said they were a sign of a healthy environment and would have been worried if the frogs stopped their songs in the rain.

Abby and Sam continued to talk about farm animals and what kind of weird reactions little Vincent would have when seeing them for the first time while Sebastian made an effort to see how Lucien was fairing. The kid was still completely spaced out. Whatever he was thinking of must have been weighing heavily on his mind. 

Did he really have that much family drama going on? Well obviously yes, since he was living alone. But what kind of drama could make Lucien hesitant to help his aunt? The first thing that came to his mind was murder. Murder wasn’t really something that women generally did. That was kind of more of a man thing, or was he thinking of serial killers? Either way a murderer in the family was almost always the kind of thing that would cause a huge rift between family.

He nudged Lucien to get his attention. “Hey you feeling okay?”

“Who me?”

“No the giant anthropomorphic lizard behind you shaking the maracas.” He deadpanned. “Of course I mean you. You seem to be thinking really hard about all this stuff with your aunt.”

Lucien shrugged. “Well yeah… I like her a lot, but she’s done things that make me feel sick and I just… I know she didn’t mean to do what she did but she did… My aunt isn’t a terrible person, she’s just misunderstood…” He tilted his head back and let out a frustrated sigh. “Family stuff is hard… Why can’t it just be simple? I just want a simple life…”

Sebastian shrugged. “I have no answers for that. Families are just complicated. That’s unfortunately just how life is you know?”

“I guess… Wish it wasn’t.”

“No one wants family to be complicated.”

“I guess....” Lucien yawned and shifted his position so his head was resting against Sebastian’s shoulder.

The move made Sebastian blush a little. “Dude? What are you doing?”

“Shut up I’m tired. Let me rest a bit.” Muttered Lucien.

Sebastian continued to blush but let Lucien use his shoulder as a pillow. He smelt like cinnamon and other spices. It was kind of nice. Was it a shampoo, deodorant? Maybe some kind of cologne? Wait… why would a teenager use cologne? Why did he care? Why the hell was he smelling Lucien? That was creepy! 

“Dude, you face is really red.” Said Sam. “You too hot or something? You shouldn’t be wearing a black hoodie in this weather.”

“... Shut up Sam…”


	12. Gym class

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I hope you all like this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Some days Lucien just felt heavy. Like every movement was a chore to do. It was days like this where he thought about how much easier it would be if he could just remove his own flesh. Not cut it off with a knife. He just wanted to pull it off and escape his fleshy prison. He wanted to be a skeleton. It was kind of a morbid thought, but he just felt that way. He wanted to just escape the suffocating feeling of existing.

He day dreamed a little about his own death. He wondered what his corpse would end up looking like. Maybe it would be all water logged and bloated? Cut up and mangled from a car crash? Putrefied and gross with swarms of maggots crawling out of his mouth? Would he be buried in a coffin or cremated? Maybe thrown away like trash? It just depended on how he died if it was accidental, natural or murder.

And why were his thoughts so morbid? The answer was damn obvious. His aunt. What was he meant to do? He loved her but he hated her. His emotions were too mixed up and conflicted. Was this what they call battered person syndrome? He had no idea. He just felt heavy. So damn heavy.

Lucien was so deep in this thoughts he hardly noticed when he bumped into someone in the hallway. However he did notice it when said person shoved him at full force into the lockers. It made him trip over and hit the floor hard.

“Ow…”

“Watch where you’re going loser.” Called one of the jocks as they walked away.

“...” Lucien didn’t really know what to say. He was pretty sure that the guy that just pushed him was that asshole jock that punched him before. Was he going to be a target of bullying now? What the heck? Well, that was a surprise but he couldn’t really think too much about it. He had gym next and gym… While he wasn’t the best at it he wasn’t the worst either.

He got changed for the gym and headed into the gymnasium. Lots of kids were standing around looking very awkward. Since their classes were so tiny in that school it was their whole year group doing gym.

The teachers split the court down the middle with a net and then had the girls go off to one side to play netball while the boys were going to murder each other playing dodgeball. Lucien had no idea what to expect and look towards his friends for advice.

“Just try not to get hit dude.” Said Sam. “It’s easy as that.”

“Stand still, get hit, and sit out.” Was Sebastian’s advice.

That wasn’t very helpful. Lucien didn’t want to get stuff thrown at him, even if it was a ball. He could just hear the sound of that red rubber ball bouncing off his head seconds before his own head hits the ground with a crack. Perfect. Death by dodgeball. That would be one hell of a way to go.

Seconds after the teacher blew their whistle a red ball whizzed past his face and smacked some guy behind him in the chest, but instead of hearing the sound of rubber hitting someone in a shirt. To him it sounded like glass hitting a wall. Why? Why did it sound like that? What the hell?

Three seconds later he got smashed in the face with a ball and fell on his ass. He dragged himself over towards the benches and sat down where some of the other boys were sitting after they got hit. He didn’t like hearing that sound of shattering glass. Why did he hear that? Was it just because something whizzed past his head? He didn’t know but he really didn’t like it. Something like that making him freeze up was something he had to fix.

Soon Sebastian was out and he sat next to Lucien. “I can’t believe you got out before me.”

Lucien shrugged. “I’ve never been very good at at this game.”

“Fair enough.” Sebastian looked over at the girls. “I’d rather be playing netball. No one passes the ball to me and I just have to move around to whatever position I need to be in to look like I’m joining in.”

“Yeah, me too.” He had played some netball back at his old school. Though they only had a girl’s team and not a boy’s team which had confused him a lot. He was kind of good at it but for some reason the school deemed it a girl’s sport. Was it the fact that the uniforms had some weird frilly thing made to resemble a skirt around the top of the shorts? It was probably that. He would have been fine wearing that.

The two boys watched as Penny caught the ball, panicked, threw it, and smashed Abby in the face. The purple haired girl fell over but gave a thumbs up to avoid going to the nurse’s office or something. One of the other girls helped her up and then the game continued.

“... Penny has one hell of an arm on her.” Muttered Lucien. “Remind me not to piss her off or she might belt me one.”

Sebastian shrugged. “She has her moments. She once broke a frying pan because she used it to kill a spider. She almost put a hole in her bedroom wall.”

“Damn… Wait, why did she have a frying pan in her room?”

“Not a clue.”

Lucien watched the girls playing netball, specifically Penny. She looked so innocent but could have moments of sudden violence. It made him tense up a little. Penny was kind of like his aunt. What? No. No she wasn’t. She was nothing like her. She was her own person. The only thing the two of them had in common was that they were female. That was it. That was all.

He sighed a little and looked down at his feet. Grey sports shoes. Generic brand. Double knotted red laces. It was fine. He was fine. Everything was fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. He was just over thinking things. Where had all his happiness gone? He was so happy and content days earlier. These highs and lows were starting to become more intense and it was starting to drive him crazy.

Sebastian gently nudged him. “Are you okay?”

Lucien looked at Sebastian and was surprised to see the amount of concern he was showing his face. That look set a small spark of warmth in his chest. It was a strange feeling, but he kind of liked it. He smiled as best he could at Sebastian. “I’m fine. I’m just thinking about a few things. That’s all.”

“Like?”

“...” Lucien laughed a little and shook his head. “Don’t worry yourself about it. I just think about things way too much. It’s just me problems.”

“You sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Dude, I’m just asking. You space out a lot and like sometimes you just act really fake.”

A chill ran down his spine when he heard that. Fake. Sebastian thought he was acting fake. Well he was, but he thought that he had perfected his mask. Well he was broken after all. He was a broken mess. A complete disaster. Why? Why did Sebastian have to point this out? Why? Why did he have to do this to him?

Lucien quickly collected himself and continued to smile at him. “Sometimes it’s better to smile and not let people worry about your problems. Because when you think about it rationally your problems aren’t as big as everyone else problems. That’s just how it is.”

“... Just because your problems aren’t as big as someone else’s doesn’t mean they aren’t valid.”

“What are you? A self help book?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Mental health was a super big deal around here last year. Government probably threw money at the school for mental health programs. It was a fucked up train wreck but they gave us a few websites to look up. I guess I retained some of that knowledge. It helped me out a little with dealing with my mum’s remarriage.”

Lucien nodded a little. “I see… Did it really help?”

“Kind of.” Now Sebastian kind of looked a little uneasy. He didn’t seem to like talking about that at all. 

Suddenly Sam plopped down next to them and sighed. “I’m out… But I lasted longer than I thought and I got two people out… You guys could have tried a little harder.”

“Sorry Sam.” Apologised Lucien. “Dodge ball isn't my game.”

“I don’t do sport.” Said Sebastian.

The rest of the gym class carried out in the way one would typically expect it to. After their forced, mandated exercise everyone went to get changed back into their normal clothes. Surprisingly, or not surprisingly someone had taken his pants. He still had his gym shorts but he still wanted to know why someone took his pants. 

Fortunately they were found by the end of the day, but they were covered in paint. Abby had gone off about how the jocks were a bunch of stupid meat heads, Sam had suggested that they let a teacher know this was happening, and Sebastian was somewhere in between the two suggestions. Lucien just shrugged it off and said not to worry about it.

***

That night Sebastian couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something very wrong with Lucien. However he just had his gut feeling and nothing else. If he had some physical proof then the adults would take him seriously. Even then adults would only care if the proof was something really fucked up and too late to just talk it out. Like cutting or being so skinny that you could see bones through skin. Even then there was a chance that the adult wouldn’t give a shit or intervene.

He didn’t understand why adults were like this. Were they really so caught up in their own world that they didn’t want to think about dealing with their children? That was selfish and completely fucked up. Did they not want to think their perfect angels were really in pain and needed help? Maybe they just didn’t want to be held responsible for someone else’s kid?

He really hoped that Lucien moved in with his grandpa soon. He couldn’t imagine what stuff he was doing when he was home alone.

In all honesty he had a few ideas about what he would be doing if he was home alone all the time… And it was something that would make Yoba cry, according to the more religious folks anyway. Then again Sebastian couldn’t really see Lucien doing something like that after his apparent distaste for anything sexual.

Then again history was full of bigoted hypocrites that would say one thing and then aggressively do that evil behind closed doors. Now his mind was making him think about Lucien jerking off to porn on his laptop.

“... Fuck.” Groaned Sebastian. He rubbed his face and made several angry sounds. “Think about this shit after high school. After high school. Until then just be interested in boobs and pussy. Okay?” Yoba he felt stupid for trying to talk himself into being straight or at least not think about dick in case someone thinks he’s gay and makes the rest of his school days hell.

He sighed and pushed his homework off his bed and started to mess around on his phone. Abby and Sam were sharing memes and bitching about teachers, and Lucien… He wasn’t sending anything. He never sent anything. Ever since they shared numbers Lucien hadn’t texted him or engaged in any group chats. Lucien was more antisocial than he was. Weird.

“... Fuck it.” He quickly shot Lucien a text.

_WYD_

He drummed his fingers against his mattress for a few moments. Sebastian wondered if Lucien would even message him back right away. Suddenly his phone pinged.

_Homework._

_Since when do you do homework?_

_Since we were given worksheets just as class ended._

_That’s fucked up._

_I know right? If each teacher gives us like an hour or two of homework each night when do we have time to eat and sleep? I have to make my own dinner._

_Most teens don’t live alone._

_I know, but still. If you’re not expected to take work home we shouldn’t have to bring work home from school._

_You’re preaching to the choir._

_TTYL my oven just dinged._

_Ok what are you eating?_

_Chicken wings and potatoes. I need to go shopping._

Sebastian felt a little better knowing that Lucien was home right now and not doing something weird. What was he even considering weird anyway? He had no idea. He was just thankful that Lucien wasn’t hurting at the moment.

His mum knocked at his door and peered inside. “Sebby? Dinner is ready come on up now.”

“... Okay.” He pulled himself off his bed and made his way to the table where Maru and Demetrius were already sitting and waiting.

Maru smiled up at him, pleased to see her half brother while Demetrius looked slightly smug or something along those lines. “Well-” he said. “-look who finally decided to join us for dinner.”

Sebastian glared at his step-dad. “I was doing homework.” He sat down at the table and stabbed at a piece of circle cut carrot. “You know, the stuff you get mad at me for not doing?” Robin shot Sebastian a look that screamed he needed to shut his damn mouth and eat his carrots, which he did, but he didn’t like it.

Robin quickly turned her attention to her daughter. “So Maru, how’s school going?”

The younger girl shrugged as she cut up some sausage. “Can’t complain. It’s pretty much the same old stuff. Though we have started an interesting unit on diseases at school. We’re currently looking at non infectious diseases which are quite fascinating. Though we are probably going to be moving on to parasitic diseases next week.”

Demetris seemed to be completely enraptured by Maru’s words. Of course he would be. There was no way he wouldn’t be completely enthralled by Maru. He always had been. Always will be. “Did you know parasites are one of the most successful organisms in the world? They are highly adapted and specialized for their environments. It is remarkable to think that-”

“Please not at the table.” Said Robin quickly. “While it is interesting it isn’t really the thing you want to talk about while eating, you know?”

Demetrius was about to retort, but seemed to think better of it at the last moment and went back to eating his own food. “Yes dear.”

Robin sighed and looked at her son. “How has school been for you? Staying out of trouble I hope?”

He didn’t know what she meant by that. If it was a joke he didn’t find it funny. “School is fine. My teachers are fine. I’m doing okay. It really doesn’t seem to matter that much anyway.” He wasn’t trying to be rude that was just how he felt. Besides he knew his mum was just asking to try and include him in family conversations since Demetrius was always talking to Maru about her school life. 

Robin nodded a little and attempted to get a little more information out of him. “Getting along with with Lucien? Isaac did ask me to start gathering the materials to make a second bad frame. I guess that means he will be moving in with him soon?”

Sebastian shrugged. How was he meant to know? Lucien didn’t talk about his family life or anything like that. All he knew was that Lucien’s mother was dead, his dad worked overseas, and Mr Berg was his grandpa. That was it. “Maybe. I’m more interested in Sam moving in next week.”

Robin’s eyes lit up when she heard that. “I almost completely forgot. Are you sure Jodi would be happy with a spice rack? I can make a nice tray set.”

“I’m sure mum. Sam said Jodi dropped and broke her old one while packing.”

Robin grinned. “Okay. I almost have it done. As long as no needs anything major done tomorrow I’ll be able to finish sanding it and varnishing it… No wait, tomorrow is a Tuesday. I don’t even open the shop on Tuesday.”

From there Sebastian drowned out the conversation and concentrated on his food. Sam was going to be here soon. It’ll be nice. They’ll be able to have a good time together. He was actually pretty sure one of them was going to get many hours of community service within the first five minutes of Sam becoming a permanent resident of Pelican town.


	13. Bathroom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta warn you, lots of homophobic phrases get tossed around in this chapter. So just be prepared of that. Kudos and comment please. Enjoy :D

His dad still wasn’t answering his email. That made Lucien feel depressed but there wasn’t much he could do. He didn’t feel like calling his old man. He would have gone straight to voicemail or ignored completely. He was starting to think that his dad had completely abandoned him at this point. 

He wouldn’t have been surprised if he had a new family by now. His old man probably had some young blond thing overseas and wanted nothing to do with him. Lucien wasn’t surprised. As far as his dad was concerned he was the one that ruined the family. Some stupid kid that was nothing more than a chronic liar or some bullshit like that. Either way his dad wanted nothing to do with him.

As he mulled over these depressing thoughts his friends were all excited about Sam moving to Pelican town. It was just happening in a few days and Abby was talking about celebrating the move. Abby suggested they sneak away and drink some booze from her dad’s shop to celebrate. 

“We can go to the quarry.” Said Abby. “No one goes there and we can drink as much as we like. It’ll be a blast.”

Sam grinned. “That’ll be cool, but my mum will kill me if I get drunk.”

“When.” Corrected Abby. “There are no ifs only whens. You down with this idea Seb?”

Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t mind, but I don’t think getting drunk is going to be a good idea.”

“Yeah, drinking isn’t good.” Said Lucien. “What if you get caught?”

“That is a risk I am willing to take.” Said Abby. “It’s time to celebrate. You should come too Lucien. Stay over and Mr Berg’s place for the weekend again.”

Lucien laughed a little. “Sorry, but I don’t like alcohol. It doesn’t agree with me.”

Abby grinned. There was a fire in her eyes. “Really? Have you gone drinking before? When and were? What happened? Tell us!”

“Oh…” Lucien nervously played with his hair. “I um… Well I don’t remember why I was drinking but I vomited a lot.”

“Huh… Okay. You can just be the sober person while we do dumb shit. You boys agree?” 

“Yep. Totally.” Agreed Sam. Sebastian shrugged. He didn’t seem to really care too much about what Lucien did or didn’t do.

Lucien nodded a little and continued to fiddle with his hair. Now he was nervous about getting drunk. Sure he didn’t like being around drunk people. No one did, but it wasn’t like it scared him as much as middle aged women or made him feel as sick as the smell of coffee, but it still made him feel nervous. People did dumb things when they were drunk.

Abby nudged him again. “So are you gonna do it? It’ll be lots of fun.”

“... I guess.”

His friends continued to talk about celebrating Sam moving to town while Lucien tuned out. He felt like an intruder just listening in on their plans. He was happy that they were including him in their plans but it just didn’t feel right to him. He was an outsider looking in and although they were friends now it would only be a matter of maybe a week once they had graduated he would vanish from their lives.

That was a depressing thought. In the end he wasn’t going to make an impact on anyone else’s life here. What was he even going to do anyway after school? He still didn’t know. He might just get a job somewhere and keep living alone in his apartment. Just day by day he’d get by. That’s just how it was.

He stood up and stretched. “Be back in a bit. I gotta go and pee.”

Lucien was happy that the group was still using the roof as their hang out spot at lunch since it was closer to the classes they didn’t have to hurry back to class when lunch was over. It was also closer to the bathrooms too. However the bathroom they were closest to was the one usually frequented by the jocks.

Today he seemed to be in lucky and no one was in there. Though seconds after stepping inside he heard the distinct laugh of those damn jocks heading down the hallway towards the bathroom. Without thinking Lucien slipped into one of the stalls and waited. He heard the jocks enter, at least three, and at least one of them was using a urinal. Lucien nervously crouched down on the toilet and held his breath. He hoped they would leave soon. He recognised one of the voices as Alex.

“-extra laps.” Said Alex. “The coach is such an ass.”

“Yeah.” Said one of the other jocks. “What is his problem anyway? We’re doing our best. Who is that fat bastard to judge us?”

“I heard someone saw the coach at an S&M bar the other week.” Said the other jock.

“No way.” Said Alex. “The coach isn’t a fag.”

“They totally are. The sick pervert gets his jollies from watching teens run laps.” Said a jock. “I wouldn’t be surprised if that fag was a pedo. You see the way he looks at us when he walks through the change room. The fag probably jerks off in his office thinking about us.”

“That’s fucking disgusting.”

“You know who I heard is gay? Lucien.”

“I doubt he’s gay.” Said Alex. “Remember when some people thought Sebastian was gay? He and Abby were hooking up all over the place.”

“Whatever man. The book of Yoba says Orin and Ann, not Orin and Stan. Until I know he’s straight I ain’t comfortable with him being in the same bathroom as me. Faggot probably looks at our dicks. Fucking gross man.”

“Yeah.” Said the other jock. “I’d be fucking kicking the shit out of that faggot if I caught him looking at my dick.”

Alex sighed. “Come on guys. Lucien isn’t that bad.”

“What? You gay for the fag are you?” Snapped one of the jocks. “Aw, would you look at that? Turns out Alex is a fag.”

“Oh fuck off.” Snapped Alex. “I ain’t gay. I like tits and pussy. Gays are fucking disgusting.”

“Prove it.”

“Prove what?”

“Prove you aren’t gay for Lucien. Punch the fucker right in the face when you next see the little fag.”

“I’m not going to beat up Lucien to prove a point.” Deadpanned Alex.

“Whatever you say… faggot.”

“Homo.”

“Dick muncher.”

“Cock sucker.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Snapped Alex. “Fine. Next time I see the fag I’ll punch him in the face. You happy now?”

“You better do more than that.” Warned one of the jocks in a threatening tone. “Coach is gonna make you the captain of the gridball team but none of us are gonna follow you if you’re all soft on fags.”

Alex made a frustrated noise before sighing. “Fine. Whatever. Next time I see him I’ll deal with him.”

There wasn’t much much talking after that. Just the sound of people shuffling around and someone using the sink before they left. Once Lucien was sure they were gone he quickly got out of the stall, used the urinal, washed his hands and left. He didn’t want to suddenly get attacked out of nowhere so he’d probably have to stick close with his friends. Maybe he should take Abby up on her offer to be in a fake relationship with her to make sure people wouldn’t think he was gay? She did offer after all.

Suddenly Lucien got pushed into a locker by a jock. They smiled cruelly at him. “Hey there Lucy. Where are you going in such a hurry?” The other jock was there along with Alex. 

Lucien glanced over at Alex and could see the worry all over the other boy’s face. Seeing his expression, Lucien just knew he probably wasn’t going to be able to talk his way out of this one and neither would Alex. Since it wasn’t going to end well for him Lucien just decided to be a little shit.

“Nothing much. Just sending dick pics to your mum. I managed to catch her just as her shift ended at the local brothel. Said she’d let me fuck her again for free.”

As expected the jock didn’t like that and punched Lucien hard in the stomach, winding him badly. As he doubled over in pain the jocks grabbed his arms and started to drag him back to the bathroom. “You have quite a mouth on you, don’t you fag?” They looked over at Alex. “You coming or are you gonna pussy out like a bitch?”

With some reluctance Alex followed them into the bathroom and locked the door behind them. Lucien got dragged over to a wall and continued to be held in place by the other jocks. Lucien was scared. He knew Alex was fucking strong. If he was lucky he’d only get a light beating. Just enough to satiate the jocks while still leaving Lucien in an alright state.

“Go on.” Said one of the jocks. “Do it Alex.”

“Yeah captain.” Said the other. “Beat the fag.”

Lucien looked at Alex. He really didn’t look like he wanted to do this but his friends were egging him on and he knew his own reputation was at stake. Reputation was everything for teenagers. Alex was no acception . If anything Alex was more prone to this since he was a jock too. He was at the top of the pyramid at this school. He wouldn’t lose his status over someone as innocuous as him. The basic sense of human empathy and morality didn’t matter here. If Alex didn’t beat him up now he’s be worse off socially than if he just walked away.

“What are you waiting for?” Snapped a jock. “You’re such a fag Alex.”

Lucien sighed. A teenager beating the shit out of him was scary, but he was pretty sure he could live through it. Alex, as simple as he was probably wouldn’t handle losing his status at school very well. Lucien could make this sacrifice. “Oh for fuck’s sake. If you aren’t going to beat me up then let me go already. You want Alex to beat me up? This pussy? The fucker can’t dodge a beer bottle to save his life. What makes you think he can hurt me?”

Alex looked alarmed when he had said that. Good. If Lucien riled him up enough with a few choice words about his father’s abuse, as limited as Lucien’s knowledge was, Alex would punch him in the face to shut him up. Then Lucien would be able to go. He just wanted this over already.

“What you gonna cry?” Taunted Lucien. “Gonna go and cry to your mum about it? Oh wait, the bitch is dead!”

Seconds later Alex’s fist made contact with his face. The second blow made contact with his stomach and the jocks holding him up dropped him to the floor. He curled up on himself in a foetal position as he felt them all kicking him at various times. He wasn’t sure how long the assault went on for but it felt like forever but eventually it stopped and they left.

He stayed motionless on the dirty bathroom floor for a few moments and let everything sink in. Nothing felt broken. He just felt bruised and in pain. He couldn’t taste blood or bile so he figured he was alright for the moment. Lucien slowly sat up and held his head. He felt sore all over but he was alive. Being alive was fine. 

He probably shouldn’t have brought up Alex’s mum. He had no idea where she was but since she wasn’t living with Alex she had to either be unable to take care of Alex or dead. Either way he got his point across. What the hell was his point anyway? He didn’t even know anymore. Nothing mattered. No one really cared. It should have just been enough that he was able to be useful to someone. Even if they were using him as some kind of outlet. That was fine. Right?

The bell rang and Lucien wondered if he should head back to class. What did he have anyway? He had no idea. He could afford skipping a class or two. No big deal. He just needed to wait until he felt better.

***

Alex couldn’t concentrate in class. Well, technically he couldn’t really do that very well during the best of times. Especially since this was English, and English was all words. He wasn’t good with words. He felt stupid. At least Haley was with him to help him out when he needed it.

Nevertheless he felt worse today than before. He shouldn’t have hit Lucien. Lucien didn’t deserve that. He wasn’t the kind of guy that went around and beat the shit out of other kids. Sure he might have shoved a few kids, some by accident, but he never went out of his way to attack anyone like some of the other guys on the gridball team.

He put his pen down and sighed. He was feeling more than a little guilty. Maybe he should have gone back after everyone left? He should have done something. Anything. He should have not punched him. He felt awful.

Haley lightly nudged him and spoke in a hushed tone. “You okay? Need some help?”

“No I… Well later because I can’t read this to save my life. But I did something really bad Haley…”

Haley frowned at him. “What?”

Alex quickly glanced around and spoke in a hushed tone. “I beat Lucien up. But it wasn’t my fault.” Haley gave Alex a very judgmental look. “... Okay I could have not done it but like… You weren’t there, and like he was pushing my buttons and like, I only hit him twice. The others kicked him while he was down.”

“... Shit. You really fucked up.” Muttered Haley.

“I know that.”

Haley rolled her eyes and took out her phone. “Alex, you’re so damn stupid. How the heck could you go and beat up Lucien and right after you said shit about… you know. ”

“I know…” Alex kept an eye out to make sure the teacher didn’t come by and take Haley’s phone away. “What are you doing?”

“Texting Sam.” Said Haley. “We did that dumb group project last year and I still have his contact info. Where did Lucien get beaten up?”

“Bathroom near the gym.”

“Figures… and send.” She put her phone away and turned her attention back to her school work. “You better hope to Yoba that Lucien doesn’t do something to get you guys back… Or the rest of the gridball team.”

“I know. It was a very, very stupid thing I did. Just… I’ll fix this somehow. Just let me think.”

“Alex, as you have just proven thinking is not something you’re good at.”

***

Sebastian was getting annoyed. Lucien didn’t show up after slipping away to use the bathroom at lunch. At the time he assumed that Lucien got caught by a teacher coming down from the roof or he just decided to go straight to class since it was so close to the bell ringing again. But he didn’t show up. It annoyed him way more than it should have.

He glared angrily out the window kind of half hoping he would spontaneously gain the power to blow up some of the random birds on the playground with his mind. Obviously that didn’t happen but he felt this was a good way to let out his own frustrations.

Suddenly Sam sat down next to him and sighed. “Stupid hall monitors. Always asking to see if you have a hall pass or bathroom pass. Maybe I need to get something out of my locker and pee. Why can’t I do both?”

“Because capitalism.” Said Sebastian. “Don’t ask me how or why but it is capitalism. Either that or communism. One or the other. You decide.”

Sam sighed and opened up his workbook. “... What are we doing?”

“Reading that paragraph in chapter seven and answering the questions on the board.”

“Lame.” As Sam started to do his work his phone buzzed in his pocket. “Seb, look out for the teacher.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and kept an eye out for the teacher. After a few minutes Sam put his phone away and Sebastian was able to go back to trying to blow up birds with his mind. However Sam poked him with his pen.

“Hey, you need to get a bathroom pass.”

“Why can’t you get one?”

“Firstly, I just came back from the bathroom. Secondly, Haley just messaged me and-”

“Haley has your number?”

“Dude, so not the point.” He quickly looked around then spoke in a hushed tone. “Haley just sent me a text. Lucien’s in the bathroom by the gym. I think something happened to him. Maybe the jocks beat him up?”

Sebastian was surprised to say the least. Why would she be telling them that? Was it a trap? Why would she be setting a trap for Sam? Sam wasn’t as much of a social outcast as he was. Did it really matter? If Lucien got beaten up by some of the jocks that would explain why he wasn’t here. 

He quickly raised his hand and spoke when the teacher acknowledged him. “I’ve pretty much finished everything. Can I please have a bathroom pass?”

Thankfully their teacher was relatively nice and let Sebastian go. He did his best to walk calmly to the bathroom, however he ended up breaking into a sprint the moment he was out the door. Hopefully Lucien would be alright when he got there. He had to be, right?


	14. Bridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sebastian to the rescue! Hope you all like this. Please kudos and comment. Enjoy :D

Lucien was surprised to see Sebastian walk into the bathroom. How long had he been in here anyway? He was pretty sure that school wasn’t over. As he thought this over in his head he hardly noticed Sebastian crouching down next to him.

“Shit… What happened? Who did this?”

“... No one. I fell over.”

“Cut the bullshit. This is serious.” Snapped Sebastian. “Who the fuck did this to you?”

Lucien sighed a little and slowly pulled himself up to a standing position. “Nothing will happen to them so there’s no reason to tell you about it.” He walked over to the sink and washed his face and hands. He probably got some disease from laying on the floor for so long.

“Then tell a teacher.”

“What good would that do?” Asked Lucien. He was already tired of this conversation. “You can go ahead and say all that but why would anyone listen to me or take me seriously? Do I have photo or video proof of what happened? No I don’t. It would be my word against there’s.”

Sebastian seemed stumped, but he didn’t say anything. He looked like he wanted to but he just couldn’t find the words. He just watched Lucien clean himself up. “Will you at least go to the nurse’s office?”

“Nah, I think I’ll be fine.”

“Seriously? You got beaten up and you’re just going to go back to class like nothing happened?”

“As far as I’m concerned nothing did happen.”

“But something did.” Insisted Sebastian. “Please just come with me to the nurse’s office. Just… For fuck’s sake you’re all fucked up. You need help.”

Lucien just couldn’t understand why Sebastian couldn’t just leave him alone. “Why do you care so much about me? You gay or something?”

“I don’t need to be gay to empathise with someone, asshole.” He grabbed Lucien by the wrist. “We’re going to the nurse’s office. Don’t argue with me.”

Lucien didn’t bother fighting him and let Sebastian drag him along. He didn’t even know where the nurse’s office was anyway. 

When they got there the school nurse was busy filling out some paperwork. She was an old woman with wispy grey hair. Seeing that she was an older woman gave Lucien some comfort. She looked up at the boys with a surprised look on her face and adjusted her glasses. “Yes? Can I help you boys?”

“Lucien he um…” Sebastian glanced over at him.

Lucien shrugged. “I fell down some steps. Just give me some painkillers and I’ll be fine.”

The nurse frowned a little and tossed a pencil at Lucien’s feet. “Bend down and pick that up. If you can do that then I’ll let you go back to class.”

“...” Lucien attempted to bend down and pick it up, but the muscles in his stomach and back screamed for him to stop when he bent down very slightly. “Crap…”

“Thought so.” Said the nurse. She gestured to one of the beds. “Sit down.”

With much reluctance Lucien did as he was told as the older woman checked to see if he had a concussion or something. All the while Sebastian stood near the door with a worried expression on his face. Lucien didn’t really mind much, but it felt weird for someone to be around him in some kind of medical situation. The last person he was with when this kind of thing happened was his mum and that was when he was getting a flu shot. No wait, that was a lie. There was a police officer in his hospital room that time wasn’t there?

The nurse looked over at Sebastian. “Young man, unless you need some aid yourself or have something important to say I suggest you head back to class.”

“... Okay.” He looked over at Lucien. “Hey, I’ll come by after school if you’re still here.”

Lucien nodded a little and watched his friend leave. When he was gone the nurse went to unlock her medicine cabinet. “You know young man, those injuries you got are more consistent with a beating than falling down the stairs… Now I don’t want to jump to any conclusions but if you need to talk to someone about this we have a school counsellor for a reason.”

Lucien sighed a little and stared up at the ceiling. “I feel down the stairs. That’s all.”

“Well, if that’s the story you want to stick to…” She took some painkillers out of the medicine cabinet and gave them to Lucien. “Here. Take this. I’ll have to give you a note so your parents know you’ve taken medication.”

“... Okay. Thank you.” He didn’t have the heart to tell her that he lived alone. That would probably cause problems. So he just stared up at the ceiling some more as the nurse went back to work. 

It was in this quiet moment where Lucien let his morbid thoughts consume his mind once again. He had wondered what it would be like to sink into the mattress and get consumed by it. Not like a Freddy Krueger death. But more like Death bed the bed that eats, kind of thing. Where it was more like a bed filled with acid.

***

Sebastian was pissed. As soon as he saw Haley he was going to get right to the bottom of this bullshit. No one should have been beating up Lucien. There was nothing wrong with him. He wasn’t a shit head or a guy that was just asking for trouble. He thought about what he was going to say to Haley.

The second the bell rang Sebastian left and stormed towards Haley’s class with Sam close behind him. The blond was a little confused as to what was going on but he had Sebastian’s back.

Sebastian easily spotted Haley with Alex and some of the other plastics exiting their class. “Haley!” He snapped.

The blond girl jumped a little in surprise then looked at him with confusion. “What do you want Sebastian?”

“How the fuck did you know Lucien got beaten up?” He practically hissed at her. “Which one of your dumb fuck friends attacked him?”

Haley looked extremely offended. “Excuse me? I didn’t have to message Sam.”

Alex stood between Haley and Sebastian. “Back off emo.”

“Fuck off.” Growled Sebastian. “I’m having a talk with Haley and- Oh… It was you, wasn’t it?” Of course it was Alex and his friends. “You’re pathetic. Why the hell can’t you leave everyone alone? You’re fucking lucky Lucien’s not saying anything.”

“He’s not?” Questioned Alex.

Sebastian glared at him. “Yoba, you’re stupid. How the-”

Sam gently pulled Sebastian back and laughed nervously. “Well we better get moving to our next class. See you guys later.” Sebastian wanted to continue to throw insults at Alex, but let himself get steered away. Once they were out of earshot, Sam sighed dramatically. “Damn… That could have been handled better.”

“Oh shut up Sam.” Muttered Sebastian. “That shit head deserves worse. You didn’t see him… Sure it wasn’t like he got ripped apart by some animal, but his eyes were dead. Like they might as well have been doll eyes or some shit. It was freaky. The only way they would have looked even freakier would be if they had that weird cataracts film thing over his eyes to make them look cloudy.”

“Shit dude. Was he really that fucked up?”

“Yeah… I’m fucking sick of it. I really hope that he’s okay.”

Sam nodded in agreement. “It’s fucked up I get it… But you know, you seem really pissed off about it more than you normally would.”

“Unlike you and Abby I’ve actually been beaten up by those asshole. I know what it’s like…” He hated that he knew how that felt.

“Look, just calm down a little. We’ll just go to class and then head straight to the nurse’s office to pick him up after school. Sound good?” Asked Sam.

Sebastian said nothing but moved to the next class like Sam had instructed him. His thoughts continued to be plagued by Lucien through class, but when he went to the nurse’s office after school Lucien was already gone.

***

Lucien didn’t get off the bus at his usual stop that day. He ended up going to the one that stopped outside the park and got out. He ended up aimlessly wandering around the park as his muscles ached. Maybe he’s stop by a pharmacy on the way home and get some kind of muscle cream?

He sat down on a bench for a while next to the Wilson river. He saw some sailboats, a rowboat, and a police boat. There were a fair few more police boats going by these days. This was because a few months ago someone had jumped off the bridge. It wasn’t unusual for people to do that. On average about two or three people a year would jump from there and every time they did more police would show up.

He tried to remember who it was this time. Searching his memory Lucien did remember some men at his bus stop talking about a woman that committed suicide recently. That was sad. He wondered what circumstances lead the poor woman to that end. He knew there were many reasons, he for sure knew that there were many reasons someone would, but he wondered what her reason was. Was it abuse, mental instability, or both? He didn’t judge.

From there his thoughts went a little more morbid. He wondered if she died instantly or if her back broke and she drowned. Drowning sucked. If Lucien jumped from that height he hoped that he would land on his head and snap his neck, killing himself instantly. He didn’t want a drawn out end. Quick was good. Quick was better.

When dusk started to settle in the lights along the path started to turn on. It looked kind of pretty to him. He adored all the beautiful lights in the park at night. They were like fairy lights. With a groan he stood up and walked up the bridge over the river. At the very top Lucien looked over the edge. The water was very dark and kind of merky. However he could kind of see his own reflection, as blurry as it was.

He sighed a little and let his arms dangle over the side. He wondered how long it would take for people to find his body if he jumped right now? Would his body be all gross and unrecognisable or would his body fall apart like a broken doll? That would be something.

He teatered over the edge just that little bit more so his feet were off the ground and he was balancing completely on his abdominal muscles, which were still severely bruised. If he lost his balance and fell forward he would die. If he lost his balance and fell backwards he would live another day.

“... Heh, is it really that simple?” Lucien put his hands back on the bridge to take some of the strain off his stomach muscles. Despite dabbling in suicidal thoughts once in a while, Lucien didn’t want to end his life. He was just apathetic towards it. Live or die it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. 

Suddenly he felt two arms wrap around him and forcibly yank him away from the edge. “Are you fucking crazy?!” Snapped a rather gruff sounding man. “You could have fucking died!”

“... Sorry?”

Once the man had calmed down, and had moved off the bridge, Lucien made up a halfway decent explanation as to what he was doing. It was a mix between teenage stupidity and his artistic eye admiring the colour of the water at dusk.

The man, who’s name was Shane, was still mad at him for doing something so stupid and was giving him a lecture. “Seriously kid? Use your head. You ain’t invincible.”

It had been so long since an adult had talked to him like that before. It was kind of refreshing, but it made him feel dumb. “I know… I didn’t mean to freak you out or anything… People don’t usually pay attention to me so like I kind of just ignore everyone else.” He noticed Shane was carrying a grocery bag. “... I didn’t make you break anything did I?”

“Huh?” Shane looked at his bag for a moment and quickly glanced inside. “... Might have shaken up some of my beer, but that’s whatever.” He took a deep breath and sighed. “Look kid, it’s getting late. You should head home. Your parents are probably wondering where you are.”

Lucien hoped his disappointment didn’t show on his face. “Yeah… I guess I should be heading home… Parents… Worry about me… On a school night…”

Shane frowned. “Don’t get along well with your folks?”

“... Our relationship is kind of complicated. But um, thanks for everything I guess. See ya.”

Shane sighed a little and ran his fingers through his hair. “Whatever kid. I better not see you doing your weird balancing shit on bridges again. Next time I see you do it I’ll suplex you.”

Lucien laughed a little. “Fair enough I guess. Well you take care too.” He waved at Shane and started to head in the direction of home. It was a strange interaction but it kind of made him feel a little happy that a stranger would go out of their way to pull him away from the edge. Maybe this was the universe’s way of saying he mattered? That he shouldn’t have apathy towards life and be more positive?

Hardly. Life had its highs and lows, but it was, for all intensive purposes a bitch. There was way too much bad shit in the world for it to be this positive experience that the wealthy liked to flaunt every second of every day. For the average joe it sucked. For him it sucked worse.

Lucien stopped by an Indian takeaway shop and got butter chicken and naan bread for dinner.


	15. Mental snap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for a little revenge, if not confusing revenge. Which is the best kind of revenge in my opinion. Mwahahahaha. So hope you all enjoy this chapter. Also, Lucien's aunt really fucked with his head. Kudos and comment please. Enjoy :D

This world would never be what Lucien expected. Then again he never really expected much in the first place. One thing he really didn’t expect though was his friends cornering him in the school yard before homeroom started that day.

“Where the fuck were you?” Snapped Abby. “You get the shit kicked out of you and you disappear? The fuck?”

“Not cool man.” Said Sam. “We were worried about you. Why weren’t you answering your phone?”

“... I turned it off to conserve power?” Offered Lucien. “I only had like three percent battery life left anyway.”

“You still had us really worried!” Cried Abby. “Sebastian wouldn’t stop bitching about it!”

Sebastian blushed and looked away. “Shut up Abby...”

Lucien laughed a little and put on a smile. “Sorry guys. I just went straight home when the nurse let me go. I just wanted to sleep after everything that happened so I did.” They didn’t need to know about him almost killing himself by mistake. As he laughed about it he happened to spot Alex with his friends. None of them were looking over at them and Lucien didn’t look at them for long either. “Let’s just go to class now.”

The group walked to class and Lucien couldn’t help but feel like there were eyes on him. Maybe he was becoming paranoid. Something he really didn’t want to happen. With the mental history of his aunt he did constantly have that worry in the back of his mind that he might have inherited her sicknesses. She was a blood relative after all. He didn’t want to be like her in that sense.

Most of the day continued on as normal with Lucien continuously dwelling on those negative thoughts. He hardly even noticed when his geography class had dispersed in the library to find information on some in class assignment thing. Luckily for him Sebastian was on the ball and got them both some books to take notes on. He pushed a book about Antarctica towards him.

“Here. Just pretend you’re doing something.”

“Oh, thanks.” Lucien opened the book and stared at a diagram of the penguin life cycle. “... Were you guys really that worried about me?”

“No shit we were worried.” Muttered Sebastian. “You got the shit kicked out of you and you live alone. What if something really bad happened? Who would be able to help you then?”

“I guess…” Lucien stared down at the book and tried to remember what the teacher had told them that they needed to do. “But you guys don’t really need to worry about me. I’m fine on my own. I would have been okay if you guys didn’t decide to adopt me.”

Sebastian frowned at him and spoke in hushed tones. “Look, I know getting the shit kicked out of you by Alex is depressing but fuck that hypocritical asshole and stupid friends. You’re not stronger for keeping that shit to yourself.”

“But if there’s not going to be any change then why bother saying any- I never said Alex was the one that attacked me.”

The raven haired teen rolled his eyes. “Call it a lucky guess. He’s a fucking idiot. Him and all his stupid friends are. Get a few of them to say if you don’t do X then you’re gay and they will do whatever it is to prove they aren’t gay, or some bullshit like that. It’s fucking stupid.”

Lucien squirmed a little in his seat. Sebastian hadn’t been there. He didn’t hear how distressed Alex sounded… And to be fair Lucien didn’t really care too much about his own body. It was just a body and he wanted to be useful to someone. Even if it was just to use his body as a punching bag. He probably needed to actually talk to Dr Eurwyn about that… But that would lead to more questions. Questions he didn’t want to answer.

“You said he was a hypocrite?”

“Oh yeah.” Sebastian quickly glanced around to make sure no one else was around and spoke even quieter. “Well, I don’t know this for sure, but I am pretty sure Alex is gay, or at least bi.”

Lucien blinked slowly as his mind processed this information. “... Huh?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah. At the spa in town everyone has their own locker, and Alex is a shit head that never locks his. In it there’s like a million picks of oiled up bodybuilders in speedos. It’s like a gay porn site exploded in there… Look, I can understand one or two in there but the whole door was plastered with them. It fucking pisses me off that he’d beat the shit out of someone for being gay or something.”

Lucien nodded a little. “You do realise I never said the reason Alex beat me up… Did he beat you up because of that rumour?”

“... Alex is just a fucking hypocritical asshole.” Muttered Sebastian as he started to quickly scribbled down some notes. “If anyone else did any of the shit he or his friends did they’d be expelled.”

“I see…” Lucien looked down at his book as new thoughts started to enter his mind. He tried to rectify why Alex would do such morally abhorrent things. Was his status really that important to him? That was disgusting. It disgusted him. That gross feeling in his guts that made him feel like he wanted to vomit.

“That’s love.” Whispered an all too familiar voice in his ear. All sights and sounds seemed to fade out as he felt her arms wrap around his shoulders and her delicate fingers laced together in front of his neck. “A form of love. Alex is sick though isn’t he? Submitting to a beating and he doesn’t even acknowledge your love after is quite awful. Don’t you agree?”

Was it love? He doubted it. He just wanted things to be over and done with. It was just easier and simpler to submit to that kind of abuse then to let it become drawn out and continue. It wasn’t love, it was selfishness on his part. Selfishness wasn’t love.

The woman’s voice laughed lightly and continued to whisper into his ear. “Despite what you’re thinking it is love isn’t it? You didn’t fight back for his benefit like you did for me. But unlike him I appreciated your submission and I gave you all the love that you deserved. What has Alex done? Nothing. How rude. We don’t like rude people, do we?”

Lucien was starting to feel sick. It wasn’t love. He never considered it love. It was just something that happened. Love wasn’t like this. It wasn’t meant to be. He could feel his heart starting to race in his chest. Was he having a panic attack? He couldn’t have one now. Not in front of everyone else.

“You should teach him a lesson.” Whispered the woman. “Someone like him needs to be shown the way. His love is not a good kind of love. You know what kind of love is honest and pure though, don’t you dear? You have to show him. Confront him. If you do you’ll make me happy. You want to make me happy don’t you Lucien?”

“Yes…”

“What was that? Asked Sebastian.

The world around him quickly came back into focus and Lucien quickly regained his composure. “Ah, nothing much. We have a study period after lunch right?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I needed to ask a teacher about one of the notes that got passed out today. If I can’t find them at lunch I’ll have to try then.” He lied.

“Ah, okay.”

This was okay. Lucien would take care of this.

Near the end of lunch time Lucien slipped a note into Alex’s locker. He didn’t know if he was going to show up or not but he figured he wouldn’t be able to resist a note from a supposed girl wanting to confess their love for him. Then to keep his friends from looking for him he had informed them that he was going to find a teacher. From there Lucien just had to wait on the roof to see if Alex showed up. He did inform him that the door would be left unlocked.

The bell rang for the next class to start and Lucien stayed on the roof, leaning against the railing. As the second ticked by he could feel that woman’s presence starting to weigh down on him again. He felt her hands on his shoulders as she whispered into his ear again. 

“If he doesn’t come then find him and confront him that way. You know what to do. What kind of a man shows someone love and then flees like it’s nothing? You’ll be doing him a favour by doing this.”

“... Yes Auntie.” He knew this was wrong somewhere deep in his mind, but he felt overwhelmingly compelled to do it. This was fine, right? It was a normal thing? Everything would be okay. It was fine. 

Everything would be fine. He heard the door to the roof opening and he heard his auntie giggle gleefully. “It’s time.”

***

Alex had found a note in his locker written by someone to meet them on the school roof during study period. At best it was a girl going to confess she liked him, at worse it would be the guys from the gridball team pulling a prank on him. However he thought that since they drew a little heart as a full stop that maybe it was a girl? No guy would do that.

When he got to the roof he found no cute girl or some guys from the team, but Lucien. He simply glanced over at Alex and waved him over. A little unsure as to what was going on, Alex cautiously approached him. He still felt guilty over what he had done.

He stood next to Lucien in silence for what seemed like an eternity before he spoke. “I guess I should apologise to you Alex.”

“Huh?” That didn’t seem right.

“I know you live with your grandparents and you father was abusive. Bringing up your mum wasn’t a nice thing to do and for that I’m sorry.”

Alex nodded a little. “Ah, okay. It’s fine I sh-”

“But that was no reason to beat the shit out of me the way you did!” Cut in Lucien. A very dark look was set on his face. “Sure I expected a beating, but not like that. Do you hate gay people that much?”

“What? No I… You’re gay?” Alex was quickly becoming confused. He was unsure what was going on.

Asking that question seemed to kill whatever emotion was left behind Lucien’s eyes. They were dull and almost looked cloudy. “Why does that matter? Gay, straight, bi, trans, or whatever. No one deserves to get the shit beaten out of them by by anyone. Especially by someone who might be questioning themselves.”

The cold way he spoke freaked Alex out a little more than it should have. But he was really worried about how he knew he might have been found out. He had been questioning for a while now but he didn’t think he was too obvious. Besides, he liked girls. Girls were what he was really into. He just had an appreciation for male bodies. Nothing sexual. Yeah nothing sexual at all.

He put on a brave face and just laughed at Lucien. “Yeah? I like girls Lucien. I’m not into guys. Look I’m sorry I beat you up but seriously I’m not g-”

Once again Lucien cut him off, not with words this time, but with a kiss. Alex’s brain immediately shut down and tried to reboot as he processed what was happening. Why was Lucien kissing him? Were all guy’s lips this soft? Why wasn’t he pushing him away?

Thankfully Lucien pulled away before Alex’s mind was back in working order. However the other teen had a malicious smile on his face to accompany his dead eyes. “You didn’t push away… Tell me Alex, how does it feel to be attracted to something that disgusts you? Not that there’s anything abnormal about that. Many people are attracted to things that disgust them. So I must ask you, why do you hate people like you?”

Lucien was getting all up in Alex’s face now and Yoba almighty he was freaking him out. There was something really fucking wrong with him when he got pissed. “Back off Lucien.”

“Or what? You’ll beat me up again? This is high school and I know several people that would love to see the popular kids rip apart one of their own like wild dogs on a fresh kill.” Though his was speaking in a monotone manner his words seemed to be full of venom. “I can make up a scandal about us that will spread like wildfire. I could walk out of here blushing and say you kissed me. I could walk out of here with a slight limp, looking disheveled and say that we fucked. Then I could do the same thing but rip my clothes, cry and say that you raped me. That would destroy your reputation with the gridball team. No not the rape part, that would destroy your reputation with the ladies. The gridball team would kick you out for being gay.”

Alarm bells were going off in Alex’s head. What the hell was Lucien thinking? Seriously, Lucien was way more fucked up then he had given him credit for. Did he deserve this? Did he really deserve this kind of… whatever it was? Sure he beat Lucien up but he was going to apologise. He was going to try and make things right. But now Lucien was threatening him with rumours? 

Seeing the distress on his face seemed to make Lucien laugh. “What’s wrong Alex? Cat got your tongue or something? Do you want another kiss?”

“... What do you want Lucien?”

Lucien shrugged. “I just want you to understand that your idea of love is broken.”

“... What?” Okay that was a new one. Lucien seemed to be all over the place at the moment and wasn’t making much sense at all. What was all this crap about love? Wasn’t he pissed off that he beat him up?

“Love.” Said Lucien coldly. “Love is… It’s different for everyone. Much as the ways people express that love. I have found that the way I express my love is by submitting completely. Now did I express my love to you because I am in love with you? Hardly. There are many forms of love that can be expressed between people that have no romantic ties at all. If anything this was one of those particular love expressions. It just pisses me off that I was able to express that kind of love to you but you couldn’t even be bothered to see if I was okay. Is neglect how you show your love, Alex?”

Alex was utterly confused and bewildered at this point. Lucien was a lunatic. “Okay I get it. I shouldn’t have attacked you. It was dumb, I was stupid.”

Lucien tilted his head to the side and continued to stare at him with his dead eyes. “I don’t think you do. People like you just don’t get it. You just take and take and take and take and take and take and take and ta-”

“That’s enough!” Snapped Alex. “I get it! I messed up! What the hell do you want from me? What can I do? What the hell is wrong with you?!”

Lucien continued to look confused. “What’s wrong with me? That’s a loaded question. Aren’t we all kind of fucked up in the head for one reason or another? Aren’t we similar though? You and are are both abuse victims. But I guess if the worst that happened to you was getting slapped around by your dad then I guess we aren’t as similar as I thought.”

Suddenly a crow landed on the railing and let out a loud caw, strateling both teens. The sudden scare seemed to knock some emotion back into Lucien and he quickly went through a while range of emotions from scared to upset, but he eventually settled on embarrassment. 

“S-sorry…” He muttered quickly. “Just don’t beat me up anymore and we’re good.” Lucien quickly fled the roof leaving Alex alone.

Alex was more confused than ever. What the hell was going on with Lucien? Spouting off such random bullshit that made zero sense and he kissed him. He kissed him… Lucien kissed Alex… On the lips...

A blush practically exploded onto Alex’s face. He got kissed by another boy and in all honesty? He didn’t hate it. Did that make him gay? Was Lucien gay? What the hell was going on?


	16. Underage drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tine for teenager shenanigans. Shenanigans I say! Also drunk song lyrics from Sam. Also, also, am I the only one that wondered where the hell Sebastian got his weed from? I made up a dumb answer. Kudos and comment please. Enjoy :D

Lucien ended up arriving back in Pelican town with his friends on Friday afternoon. His grandpa was thrilled about this, though he was a little disappointed that Robin hadn’t fully finished the bed frame he had asked for. Lucien didn’t care. He was happy with sleeping on the cot he’d set up for him last time.

He spent most of the time with his grandpa, telling him about what was happening at school and how he was having difficulty contacting his dad. The old man seemed very concerned about this but did his best to reassure him that everything was okay. Then when dusk started to settle in Lucien headed over to Sebastian’s place. They were all going to go over to meet up at his place then head to the quarry.

Sebastian was waiting for them outside with a few plastic bags filled with chips. Abby had a backpack full of some kind of alcohol. Sam also had several bags of chips which made Lucien wonder why they needed so much food?

Nevertheless the group headed down to the quarry. They made themselves comfortable around some some rocks and Abby produced the stolen liquor. “Here it is ladies!” She proclaimed. “Peach schnapps!” She planted it firmly on the ground and grinned.

Sam picked up the bottle and looked at it. “Huh… It doesn’t look like it’ll mess us up that much.”

“It’s a liqueur.” Said Abby. “Much better than piss water. A few sips of this will fuck you up Sam. Welcome to Pelican town.”

Sam shrugged and took a drink. Seconds after swallowing he was coughing up a storm. “Fuck that shit’s strong.”

Abby laugh and took the bottle from him, taking a gulp. “Whoo, that’ll put some hair on your chest baby.”

Lucien chuckled a little and looked over at Sebastian. He had taken some kind of plant in a small plastic bag out of his hoodie and some cigarette paper. “Is that weed?”

Sebastian nodded and started to roll a joint. “Yep. You going to nark on us?”

“... Who says nark these days? Where did you even get weed?”

“Sebby knows people.” Said Abby. “Some of the senior students from last year were stoners and Seb used to buy small amounts of weed off them. You still buying from them?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yep. They’re pretty cool people.” He lit the joint and took a drag. He held the smoke in his lungs for a few moments before letting the smoke out in several smoke rings. He then passed the joint to Sam, skipping over Abby.

Noticing Lucien’s stare she shrugged. “Me and the wacky tobacy don’t mix. I got like super anxious and freaked out first time I had any. Sam and Seb get super relaxed though.”

Lucien nodded a little. “I see… So is this why we have so much food?”

“Pretty much.” Said Sebastian. “You want to give it a try?”

Lucien took the joint but was a little hesitant to try it. Then again he sure could use something to calm down a little. He took a small drag, and started coughing. This earned several laughs from the other teens.

“You gotta take it slowly man.” Said Sam. “Take it in, hold it, and release.” He reached over to take the joint. “Let me show you how it’s done.” He took a slow drag, held it in his lungs, tilted his head back and let it out in a long slow stream. “Like that.”

He offered the joint back to Lucien but he shook his head. “Nah, I think I’m good. I don’t think I like smoking that much.”

“Suit yourself.” Sam handed it back to Sebastian and the group descended into talking about this and that while Lucien busied himself with a big of chips. 

It was some cheese thing that he didn’t really care for, but he ate it anyway to give himself something to do. It was kind of dry and gross, but he couldn’t complain. He didn’t have any food in his home anymore. He was going to go food shopping this weekend. His dad had deposited some money into his bank account so he could eat this month. He needed rice, pasta, and other things that lasted forever. Maybe honey?

Suddenly Abby plopped down next to him and giggled. “Hey Lucien. Whatcha thinkin aboooooot?”

“Honey.”

She blinked slowly. “Honey… Hooooney. Ho-knee. Ho-ho-ho-kneeeeeeee. Da bees knees. Beeeeeeeees.”

Now it was Lucien’s turn to blink slowly. “How much have you been drinking?”

“Only one cup!”

Sam laughed. “She’s had like two mouthfuls.” He leaned against a rock and relaxed. “This is awesome… You got some good stuff this time Seb. It feels so awesome.”

Sebastian grinned and took another hit, also relaxing against his own rock. “Yeah. Good stuff this time. Feels good.” He held it out to Lucien. “Last puff’s yours. Don’t burn your finger tips.”

“... Okay.” Lucien took the joint and cautiously held it up to his lips. He did his best not to make a fool of himself this time when he smoked the joint he held it in for a few seconds before letting it out in a slow trail. This earned the admiration of everyone else who cheered and clapped. Almost immediately Lucien felt a tightening in his chest as panic started to set in. Oh Yoba, everything was wrong. He curled up in a foetal position and lied down on the ground, shaking slightly.

Abby giggled a little and draped herself over him. “He’s like meeeeeeeeeeee. No devil’s lettuce for us. It’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Hee. I’mma sheep. Baaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Sam giggled uncontrollably. “Beep, beep, you’re a sheep.”

“Beep, beep, Imma sheep!” Chirped Abby. She started patting Lucien’s face. “Beep, beep!”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Okay, no more weed for Lucien.” He reached over and tossed a bag of chips at him. “You’ll be fine in a few minutes. It’s good shit, but it’s not strong shit. You’ll feel better in like… And hour? Does that sound about right?”

“You’re the weed expert.” Said Abby. She crawled back over to her bag to find her bottle of schnapps. “Where’s me schnapples? Me shnopes? Me booze?” 

Sam pointed to the bottle. At some point it had been knocked over and most of it had poured out onto the ground “There.”

“Nooooo, me boooooooooooze!” Whined Abby. She picked up the bottle and sighed in relief. “Relax everyone. I saved it. Still some left.” She snuggled up to Sam since he was closest to her and offered him some more. “Slorp this.”

Sam snorted with laughter and pointed up at the sky. “He man, like what if stars weren’t stars.”

“Whaaaaa?” Slurred Abby.

“Like, what if they weren’t star things. What of they were something else? Like… What if they were all fireflies that got stuck up there somehow? Like the night sky was a big bit of black fly paper?”

“... Dude that is so deep.”

Sam grinned and looked over at Sebastian. “What do you think they would be?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Like, hundreds of tiny pairs of eyes?”

Lucien made a small distressed sound. “Eyes? Eyes watching us. Watching everything. I don’t like it. Not cool man. Not cool.” The thought of the stars being eyes was horrifying. They would see everything. They could see everything. What if this was a message? What if they were saying they knew everything if they could see everything? Did they know all about him? Lucien’s mind was racing and jumping around rapidly from one obscure thought to the next.

Sebastian shrugged and lied down next to him. “I know. I like the fireflies idea better. Write a song about that Sammy.”

Sam hummed a little and started to come up with some lyrics. “Fireflies burning bright, in the middle of the night, follow my journey near and far, I don’t care where we are. Just as long as it’s you me, me and you. Just the two of us wandering the night.”

“You doesn’t rhyme with night.” Muttered Lucien quickly. “And fireflies implies more than one firefly.”

“Well yeah, but it’s a metaphor.” Said Sam. “The fireflies are like a chick. A hot chick that’s all mysterious and shit and she like, lights your way… And she’s made of fire and shit… And she has big tits and a phat ass.”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Girls are more than just boobs and asses. You know that right?”

“Yeah, but I got a type… But I like got a few different types. Like, if she’s thicc, she better be thicc and not just a girl with a big butt. That girl better have some love handles on her.” Said Sam while making vague hand gestures. “But if she skinny she shouldn’t be like boney. There’s a line between healthy skinny and send that bitch to the hospital. You know what I’m saying?”

Abby shrugged and slowly stood up. “Gotta go peeeeeeeee…” She used the light on her phone to awkwardly shuffle to the other side of the quarry while yelling pee at the top of her voice.

Sebastian picked up the bottle of schnapps and poured the rest of it out. “No more of that stuff. She needs to sober up a little before we take her home.... You feeling any better Lucien?”

“I shouldn’t have smoked that. It was bad.”

He nodded and ran his fingers through Lucien’s hair. “Bad trip. Just take a few breaths and it’ll be fine.”

“...” Lucien did as he was told and he did feel a little better. It felt nice when Sebastian touched him like that. It was a comforting feeling. It reminded him of when he was really small and got sick and his mum would runs his fingers through his hair to comfort him. It made his heart flutter in his chest ever so slightly. He wanted more of that. More of this kind of love.

Love.

He could feel the fingers of that woman slowly running up his back and whispering to him in her gross coffee breath. “Love. You just want love don’t you? You’ll accept it from anyone who pays any amount of attention to you, won’t you?”

Lucien could feel his anxiety quickly spiking again. He could feel her over him. Touching his face. Touching his arms. Just touching his body in general. It made him feel sick. He didn’t want this. He hated it. It should have been home right now. If he was at home everything would be okay. 

“If you just want the physical feeling of love you know where you can go.” Whispered her voice in a sickeningly sweet tone. “Sure it isn’t all that legal, but if you want someone to hold you, even for a few minutes why not? You’ll be able to make some money too if you did that… And since you’re young you’ll probably make more money so it’s not all that bad. You’re a man. You just want sex anyway don’t you? What kind of man doesn’t want sex?”

Lucien whimpered and put his hands over his ears. “No…” He muttered. “No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.”

Abby stumbled back and sat down between Sam and Lucien. “... Very bad trip?”

“Yeah.” Said Sebastian. “He really ain’t doing too well. Lucien’s don’t do too well on weed. It really fuck him up.”

“Okay… Where’s my booze?”

Sam shrugged. “Didn’t you like, drink it all? You drank a lot.”

Abby pouted and snuggled up against Sam again. “I sure did… I’mma sleep now. Okay?” Before Sam could answer Abby was already snoring. She was a lightweight apparently and was probably going to have a huge headache when she woke up.

Suddenly the light from a lantern filled the quarry and Isaac walked over to them. He didn’t look too impressed. “So that is where you all headed off to… Are you drinking and smoking?” He sniffed the air. “Smoking weed?” Sam and Sebastian giggled a little at the way he pronounced weed. The old man didn’t seem impressed. “Alright, that’s it. All of you get up. Time to take you home.”

He helped the boys to their feet and carried Abby out of the quarry. When they got to Sebastian’s place Isaac told Sebastian and Lucien to wait there for him while he took Abby and Sam home. The teens watched the old man take the other two down the mountain and back into town,

Sebastian hummed a little and looked at Lucien. “So, you think he’s going to get us in trouble?”

Lucien shrugged. “I don’t know man… It’s all new to me. Never been in trouble like this before… But like, what can he do to me? I don’t live with him.” He was starting to come down from the weed. He didn’t have a lot in the first place so it was out of his system pretty fast. Yoba knows what would have happened if he had taken more than a quick drag.

Sebastian nodded a little. “... Hey, sorry you had a bad trip. Usually that doesn’t happen.”

“It’s okay. I haven’t had it before so like, I didn’t know what it would do to me.”

Sebastian nodded and looked at him. “True… Your hair is really soft.”

“Thanks? I think?” Lucien twisted a few strands of hair around his finger. He didn’t think it was that soft. He didn’t do anything special with it either. It was just hair. Kind of rough really. Not soft at all. “... So you like my hair?”

“Yeah I guess.” Sebastian leaned against the garage door and looked up at the sky. “... When did it get so dark?”

“A while ago. It started to get dark when you and Sam started to get really high. Did you forget? You and Sam were talking about fireflies.”

He nodded a little and continued to look up at the sky. “Hmm… Makes you think about how small we are huh? Like, will anything we do really matter in the end? In the end we’re just gonna die and like be put in the ground. Worm food.”

Lucien shrugged. “Depends on how you die I guess. Might end up as fish food or something else.”

“Hmm, given much thought as to how you’ll die? Like beside drowning?”

Lucien laughed a little remembering when he almost drowned. “Yeah, I actually have. For a long time I kind of just assumed my auntie was going to kill me.”

“Seriously? Were you a little shit?”

“I don’t think so. I was pretty sure she was going to strangle me to death a few times. That woman has one hell of a grip.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

Lucien shrugged. “What do you think?”

Before Sebastian could ask him to elaborate Isaac came walking back up the mountain looking tired. “Okay boys. Sebastian you should head to bed now. Lucien we’re going home.” Once Sebastian walked into his house Lucien walked home with his grandpa.

He felt like there was some tension between them and that was making him anxious again. He wasn’t a stranger to getting hit for doing something wrong when he really messed up. Even though he didn’t drink he knew that it wouldn’t matter. He smoked some weed and that was probably just as bad if not worse than drinking. Was his grandpa going to punch him? Whip him with a belt? Maybe lock him outside so he’d have to sleep with the chickens? He didn’t want that but he was prepared for that.

Once they got back inside the house his grandpa sighed a little and sat down on his bed. “Drinking and smoking weed? What were you thinking Lucien? That sort of stuff is not something a young person should be doing… Why are you shaking?”

Lucien didn’t even notice that he was shaking. “O-oh? Am I? I’m s-sorry sir…”

The older man sighed a little. “Look, I’m not mad at you. I’m just glad you’re okay and nothing bad happened to you kids.”

Lucien nodded a little. “Um what happened to Abby? She was pretty wasted.”

Isaac chuckled a little. “Oh, she’s okay. I covered for her and let her parents think that I miss labeled some peach wine and peach concentrate. I remember what it was like to be young once. We’ve all done stupid things. Get some sleep. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

“O-okay.” Lucien kind of felt like his grandpa would suddenly turn around and slap hit him at any second. Much to his surprise that didn’t happen, but Lucien still didn’t feel safe until his grandpa was in bed and snoring. Still he ended up staring at the ceiling for a fair few hours.


	17. The Ladies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter name and context for said name are inspired by my friend's dad that did the same thing. Kudos and comment if you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien woke up early the next day. He hadn’t been able to sleep properly because of his irrational fear that his grandpa would attack him for smoking some weed. He knew it was a stupid thing to worry about, but he had been hit for less than that in the past. So he was semi conscious when he heard his grandpa getting up then going about his farming duties.

Once he was out of the house Lucien sat up and checked his phone to see if anyone was awake and messaging. However considering it was six in the morning there was no way anyone else would be up at this time. Especially teenagers. But he was awake now and couldn’t go back to sleep.

He got up, got dressed and headed out to the farm. He still felt guilty that he he smoked weed and just really hoped that his grandpa wasn’t too upset with him. Maybe if he did some chores around the farm he wouldn’t be so mad at him? He hoped so.

His grandfather was watering his crops and humming happily to himself when he saw his grandson and waved. “Morning Lucien. Are you normally up this early?”

“Sometimes… Um, is there anything I can do? I want to help out…”

His grandfather gestured to the chicken coop. “Can you let the little ladies out and collect their eggs? There’s some feed in the bin by the coop door you can toss around. Two cups.”

Lucien nodded and went into the chicken pen, closing the door behind him. Once he was sure they couldn’t escape he opened up the little door for the chickens and almost immediately a brown hen darted out and crowed loudly at him. It startled him a little but he quickly relaxed and threw some chicken feed around for them.

Once the feed hit the floor three more chickens came racing out to peck at the feed. Lucien chuckled a little and went inside to collect the eggs. There were two more chickens sitting on some eggs and a duck in a tub of water. 

“... Huh. Didn’t know he had a duck.”

“Quack.”

Lucien collected the eggs, carefully lifting the hens to get their eggs. They didn’t seem to mind. He finished collecting the eggs and headed out. Hid grandpa was leaning over the fence and happily talking to the chickens. When he saw Lucien he smiled and pointed to the chickens.

“That one is Lacy, that one is Amber, that one is Marolyn, and that one is Suzie.” The two chickens that were sitting in the coop strutted out and started pecking at the ground. “Oh and those are Sherry and Mona.”

“You also have a duck.”

“Yep. I found a duck egg one day and let Marolyn hatch it. The duck’s name is Pip. I’m not sure if they are male or female yet.”

“I see… They are cute… Why are Amber and Suzie all fluffy?”

His grandfather grinned. “Well those two are silkie chickens. They are very fluffy. Next week I plan to give the little ladies a trim around their faces. Lacy, Marolyn, and Sherry are australorps, and Mona is a Ayam Cemani. Also known as a void chicken.”

Lucien looked at Mona in shock. He just thought that the little black chicken was just that. Black. “Really? That’s cool. I didn’t know void chickens were a thing.”

The old man chuckled a little. “Well, I was very lucky to get my hands on this little lady. A friend of a friend of mine set me up with an exotic chicken breeder and she was able to give me a void egg. Did you know that they have hyperpigmentation? That means they are completely black, including all their internal organs.”

“Wow. That’s cool.”

“If you liked seeing the ladies maybe you’d like to meet the other animals?”

“Sure.” Lucien left the pen and followed his grandpa to the larger barn. “... One question though. Shouldn’t you get a pond for Pip?”

“It’s in the works.” Informed his grandpa. “I’m going to get Robin to help me build it, then I’m going to expand the fence. I’m sure the other little ladies will like being able to walk around in a nice shallow pond. It’ll save them from having to go inside for water all the time.”

He took Lucien into the barn and happily showed him the rest of his animals. “This is Bess and her little boy Malamoo.” He walked over to the cows and gave them a few pats. Malamoo snorted and bumped his nose against his grandpa’s lag. The old man laughed and patted his head. “Malamoo’s going to be heading off to a new farm over in Groundhog grotto in about a month. By then he’ll be big enough to live on his own and he’s good breeding stock. He’ll do well on a dairy farm.”

Lucien nodded and spotted a goat staring at the barn door. “Um… Who’s that?”

“That would be old Girdy. She’s a little mean, but she’s a real sweetheart deep down. Be a good boy and let her out would you?”

Lucien opened the door and Girdy quickly walked outside followed by two sheep. “You have sheep too?”

“Yep. Jill and Chris.” The old man got a bucket and started to milk Bess. This didn’t seem to make Malamoo very happy. He lightly nudged the older man’s shoulder and mooed loudly in his ear. The old man just laughed and lightly pushed him away. “Easy boy. I’m only taking a little. There will still be plenty for you.”

Malamoo continued to be moody until his grandpa was done milking Bess. Once he was done, Bess happily trotted outside with Malamoo following closely behind her.

Lucien chuckled a little and looked over at his grandpa. “Is there anything else I can do?”

“Nah, you can enjoy the rest of your day with your friends.”

“... Are you sure? I can do other things. Like um… I can till the dirt? Plant some seeds? Something? Anything?”

Hearing the slight desperation in his voice his grandpa paused and gave him a slightly confused look. “... Is this because of last night?”

“... Maybe.”

His grandpa sighed a little and smiled at him softly. “Lucien, I’m not going to punish you for being a teen. I’m just happy that you and your friends didn’t get hurt or do anything stupid. If you’re just helping me out because you want me to punish you somehow then I’m a little disappointed. I’d be happier if you were doing this because you wanted to, but because you have to.”

Lucien felt a little bad about that. He wanted his grandpa to be happy with him. Not disappointed. His grandpa was pretty much the only adult he cared about, who actually liked him back. He could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes. “I-I’m sorry. I… I…”

His grandpa went over to him and hugged him, gently rubbing his back. “It’s okay Lucien. I know you’re distressed and upset with yourself, but it’s okay. You’re not a bad person for being a teenager. You’re just you and I love you. It’s okay.”

Lucien sniffled and started to cry onto his grandpa’s shirt. “I-I’m sorry. I’m a mess… I-I don’t know what to do anymore. J-just hit me already. It’s easier that way. Just do it… Please…”

His grandpa was horrified at his grandson’s pleading and held onto him a little tighter. “Did your aunt used to hit you when you lived with her?”

“No… B-before when she got really bad she would, she would just throw things around. It was my dad… He was the one that…” He gulped. His throat felt tight and sticky no matter how much he swallowed. “After mum died it toughened me up. M-maybe if I was tougher he wouldn’t have taken that job overseas…”

“Oh Lucien… None of this is your fault. You’re not a bad person. No one deserves to get hurt the way you did. Let’s go inside and I’ll fix you up some breakfast. How does scrambled eggs sound?”

“O-okay…”

***

Sebastian had no idea what the time was when he finally woke up but it felt like it was maybe midmorning. That sucked. He was planning on spending a lot more time sleeping. With an exaggerated sigh he pulled himself up and headed upstairs. Halfway up the stairs he heard Mr Berg talking to his mum.

“-and it’s ridiculous!” He exclaimed. “Lucien’s the kindest, sweetest boy! His father is a menace! So will you help me email him?”

“Of course.” Said Robin. “I’ll set you up with an email account right away.” 

“Thank you… That son of mine is a bloody monster. I need to speak to my solicitor and change my damn will. That bastard won’t get a damn dime off of me.”

“You’re really fired up about this huh?”

“Damn right I am. Lucien said his father started beating him when his mother died, bless her poor soul. Lucien was five. Five. He only moved in with his aunt when he was eight. That’s three years worth of beatings Robin. What kind of monster physically abuses a child like that? And that’s not even mentioning the things I recently found out his aunt did to him.”

“Wait, what did she do? I thought it was just his dad that did bad things to him?”

The old man sighed in frustration. “I didn’t know his aunt too well. I’d only met her a few times at family get togethers. From what she and her husband told me she suffers from bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia. Apparently while her husband was alive she was doing okay but after his sudden passing… I’m not going to go into details but she did some awful things to him and I’m surprised he’s doing as well as he is… He’s living on his own Robin. The boy needs me. I need to know he’s okay. I need him to know someone cares for him.”

“I understand.” Said Robin. “So you’re going to ask for custody?”

“I’m demanding custody.” Growled Mr Berg. “If he wants to bloody fight it he can fly his worthless ass back from wherever the fuck that snake has slithered off to… Sorry for swearing like that but I am really mad. I think I’ll need to see that doctor about my blood pressure…”

“Okay, I have your account all set up. Just type out here what you want to say.”

“Right.” There was some shuffling around before Mr Berg spoke meekly. “Um… the keys on this keyboard are a little blurry. I think I need glasses.”

“That’s okay. You can just tell me what to write, if it isn’t too personal.”

Sebastian didn’t know if he wanted to hear more. Lucien’s home life was more fucked up than he thought. Almost made him feel guilty about complaining about his own home life. It pretty much explained why Lucien was sometimes so off. It had to be some kind of coping mechanism he had created to deal with the torture he went through.

He cautiously walked to the kitchen getting a “Good morning Sebby.” From his mum. He half smiled and nodded at her and Mr Berg before going to the kitchen to make some coffee. He wondered what Sebastian’s home life was like when he was younger. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like getting physically attacked by an adult every day and then to live with someone who had mood swings and heard voices in their head.

Wait, was that why he was so apprehensive and unsure when he talked about helping his aunt that one time? He thought she was just in the hospital with something like cancer or like a broken leg. It also kind of made him wonder what she did to him exactly. He said she did horrible things to him but he didn’t hate her. He wanted to ask Lucien about it, but he figured that Lucien would either deflect or shut down completely.

“...” He didn’t know how he felt about this.

While he thought about this Maru walked in and looked through the cupboards for some snacks. “You seem to be deep in thought today.”

“Yeah. Mum is helping Mr Berg set up an email account.”

Maru paused for a moment and stared at Sebastian in shock. “Are you serious? You had to show mum how to set up an email account.”

“Yeah. She still has the same password by the way. HaRdw00D. She thinks she’s clever.”

Maru snorted a little and found a muesli bar. “Really? She still hasn’t changed it?”

“Nope.”

“Think she’ll ask one of us to help her?”

“Nah, she’s gotten pretty good at it. Mostly the simple stuff, but she’s gotten good at it.”

“Fair enough I guess. Do you know where dad is?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Demetrius is probably out surveying stuff again. He should be by the lake or at the fountain.”

“Got it. Later Seb.”

He watched her leave just as the coffee pot finished brewing and he quickly made himself a cup before heading back into the safety of his basement. When he got there he checked his phone to see if anyone else was awake yet. Surprisingly Sam and Abigail were awake. Kind of. Abby was very hungover and Sam was trying to get her to do maths.

_Abby! I need the answer to number five. I’m not good at algebra!_

_Sam I will cut your dick off and stab you in the eye with it if you don’t shut your whore mouth._

_Come on! 8B+77=-44. Help me and my slow brain! We’re in the same math class!_

_And we both suck at algebra!_

_Oh yeah… Think Seb can help or Lucien? They are smarter than us at maths._

_Damn those big brains of theirs. They are gonna have big brained babies in the future that will kill us all with their smarts._

_??? You mean they are going to have babies together or they are going to have babies with their future wives? Because 99% of the time men don’t have the bits to make a baby._

_Fucked if I know. I’m hungover. You bastard fucking suck. I’m going to turn my phone off and try to sleep some more._

Sebastian rolled his eyes at his friends antics and got his homework out. He just had a few sheets of history homework to do. Maybe once he was done he’d head over to the farm to see how Lucien was going?


	18. Walk around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter about two bros walking around. Lucien didn't get to see much of Pelican town before he almost drowned earlier mkay? Kudos and comment when you can please. Enjoy :D

It was a little after midday when Sebastian made it to Datura farm. Mr Berg was still talking to Robin about some things so he wouldn’t be there. He got to the farm house and knocked on the door but got no answer. He frowned a little and looked into the window but saw nothing. Maybe Lucien was walking around the farm or something?

Sebastian wasn’t too sure where on the farm Lucien would be, if he was there, but he decided to have a look around anyway. He quickly found Lucien by the chicken coop digging a shallow pit as the chickens watched him.

“Hey.”

Lucien looked over at him. “Oh hey. What’s up?”

“Nothing much… What are you doing?”

“Making a pond for Pip. There they are.” He gestured to a duck that just waddled out of the coop and started pecking at the ground. “My grandpa was going to do it soon but you know, he’s old so I thought I’d get a start on it.”

“I see…” Sebastian walked over and leaned against the fence, looking down at the chickens just going about their business. “So, did Mr Berg ground you or something?”

Lucien slowed down his shoveling and his movements for a moment seemed to become stiff. “... Well I don’t live with him so he can’t ground me. I’ve just been doing chores around the place. I want to repay him for all the things he’s done for me. I really shouldn’t have smoked that stuff last night. It was dumb.”

Sebastian shrugged. “It’s whatever. Compared to what else we could have been doing smoking a little weed isn’t anything that crazy. You could have been doing shit like heroin or ice.”

“Do you even know where to get it?”

“Nope.” He looked down at the chickens and was amused by the silkie chickens that waddled around and bumped into the fence. “... Um, are those chickens okay?”

Lucien frowned at the chicken. “Huh… Give me a second. I’ll be right back.” He quickly ran back to the house and came back to the coop a few minutes later with some bandage tape. “Can you help me out?”

“... Sure I guess. What do you want me to do?”

Lucien lead him into the pen and picked up a light brown chicken. “Can you hold Amber for a bit?” He showed Sebastian how to hold her and Lucien gently pulled the feathers out of her eyes and taped them up so she kind of looked like she had a palm tree on her head. He then repeated the process with a white chicken called Suzie.

Once the birds could see they happily clucked and wandered around. They seemed very happy to have the ability to be able to see properly again. Lucien also seemed happy that the chickens could see. 

“You ladies look much better now.” Lucien crouch down and started to pat the ones that wandered closest to him. “Such beautiful girls. You laid so many eggs this morning.”

For a moment Sebastian watched Lucien being at complete ease. Possibly for the first time since Sebastian had seen him too. It kind of made him realise how often Lucien wore a mask and pretended he was someone he wasn’t. It must have been exhausting. Maybe he would do better living here than in the city? It would make him feel a little better if Lucien stayed close by.

After a while Lucien stood up and the two of them left the pen. “So, did you want to hang out or something? What’s there to do in Pelican town on a weekend?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Nothing much I guess… I pretty much just stay in my room and like, do stuff online.”

“Oh, I see…” Lucien smiled a little. “I guess you don’t really have much of a reason to stay huh? I don’t have an internet connection out here. I guess I’ll see you around then?”

Sebastian had worded things wrong again. “Hey no, I mean… I wanted to hang out with you. Sam’s doing math homework so he’s not going to be let out of the house for a while and Abby has a hangover. Also possibly grounded. So… It would be really boring if I just stayed in my room all day.” Why was he feeling so embarrassed? He didn’t know.

Lucien looked surprised when he said that and blushed a little. “O-oh. Um okay. There isn’t too much to do on the farm… I um… I’m good with doing whatever you want to do.”

Honestly Sebastian kind of just wanted to go home, but he knew Lucien would probably like to explore Pelican town some more. “Um… You said you wanted to go to the beach right? The weather’s okay for it today.”

The other teen perked up when he heard that. “Oh cool. Did you want to go swimming?”

“I… I don’t swim… And if memory serves neither do you.”

“True…”

Sebastian shook his head and started leading Lucien down to the beach. He was surprised by how excited Lucien seemed to be when they got there. He found a long stuck and started poking at the shells on the beach. He jumped a little when he poked a shell that happened to be inhabited by a crustacean.

The two of them continued to walk along the beach until they got to the old shack. It was used as a storage shed by mayor Lewis for storing all the festival stuff. Emphasis on was. Last year a hole opened up in the roof and well, Summer rain is a bitch. So a lot of things got ruined and all mouldy. Now it was just empty and kind of spooky looking. Maybe Willy would end up living in there? He wasn’t sure.

Lucien walked over to the cabin and looked into the window. “... Spooky.”

“It was a storage shed. Then it got a hole in the roof so it’s been cleared out.”

“Huh. Neat. Why didn’t we drink and smoke here?”

“Because the quarry is more isolated than the shack. Plus it looks like it’ll fall over if you sneeze in there too hard.”

“I guess. Still, I think it might be nice to live right on the beach. I wouldn’t mind.”

“... So you wouldn’t mind living here in Pelican town?”

Lucien shrugged. “Well I guess, but if I’m being really honest with myself I have some prior commitments in the city I need to see through.”

“Like what?”

“Just stuff to so with my aunt. Nothing too serious.” Lucien was playing it off like it was nothing, but considering what he overheard earlier he knew that was a lie. Something was definitely up with him. Maybe he was just embarrassed by his aunt’s medical condition? He probably would be too. Despite the strides made recently many people still treated the mentally ill like shit.

“Huh, so what kind of stuff is happening with your aunt?” Sebastian hoped that he could get Lucien to open up a little more.

Lucien was hesitant for a moment and it looked like he was trying to come up with an answer to his question. “Um… She’s very sick. Her mind isn’t what it used to be and I… I feel really bad for her. I want her to get better. She was always nice to me you know? She took care of me for way longer than my dad ever did so I kind of feel responsible for her, you know?” He looked back into the window of the tiny shack. “... Maybe if she gets better she’d like to live in a place like this?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Maybe. Who knows? So… Does your aunt have like alzheimer’s or like early dementia?” He knew the answer but he wanted to hear it from Lucien.

“... She um… Her problem is… that is to say…”

“What do you mean you only use SPF 30?” Asked Haley in an almost horrified manner as she walked onto the beach with Alex.

Alex shrugged. “You’re like, meant to use that for light skin Haley.”

She pouted and playfully bopped him on the head with a fan. “SPF 50+ is much more efficient.”

“Yeah, but you have really white skin. You need it and-” It was at that time Alex noticed that Sebastian and Lucien were there. Much to Sebastian’s surprise Alex seemed to freeze up a little when he saw Lucien.

Haley also looked over at them and waved. “Hey. Didn’t expect to see you here Sebastian. Thought you were allergic to the sun or something?”

“I’m allergic to the vapid and stupid. Seeing as how you two are here I guess I’ll have to leave before my allergies flare up.” He grabbed Lucien’s arm and dragged him off the beach. “I hate those assholes so much…”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah, they are kind of jerks.”

“... Alex beat you up. He’s a bastard as far as I’m concerned.”

Lucien shrugged. “He isn’t all that bad. There’s a reason people do anything. Some reasons are dumb but they are still reasons. Maybe he didn’t have a choice?” 

“How the hell can you be so whatever about getting abused like that? You should go to the police because the school is going to do jack shit.”

Lucien stared at him blankly. “The police? Do you really think they would take a kid seriously about anything? Unless I’m covered in blood or have like a gunshot wound in my arm they’ll happily turn a blind eye to anything where an adult can refute it. Adults don’t listen to kids and they think all teenagers are liars.”

“... Are you speaking from experience?”

“I’m going back to the farm…” Lucien turned and started walking back.

“... Shit. Wait up Lucien.” Muttered Sebastian as he followed him. He didn’t mean to hit a nerve with him.

“Leave me alone Sebastian.” The other teen sounded tired. “I just want to be alone now.”

“... Okay. Sorry.” Yeah he hit a rather sensitive nerve. “Um… Call me later or something?”

Lucien nodded a little and headed back to the farm leaving Sebastian feeling like an asshole. He needed to work on his subtlety more. He was starting to get very curious about what the hell happened to Lucien. He really didn’t know how to go about it though. He couldn’t ask directly because Lucien would shut him down and Mr Berg would probably not tell him anything either. He also doubted Robin really knew anything past what Mr Berg had mentioned.

Sebastian decided his time might be better spent going home and looking up the mental illnesses he overheard Mr Berg mention to his mum. The only things he really knew about mental illnesses came from TV and the severely lacking education programs that were enforced over the past few years. 

He’d probably end up doing that until either Sam had finished his homework or if Abby got over her hangover. Whichever came first.


	19. Sleep over tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here you go everyone. It gets a little dark towards the end but nothing I haven't written about before. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Much to Sebastian’s surprise, Robin announced that Lucien was going to be sleeping over tonight as soon as he walked through the front door. He didn’t know why this was happening, but he wasn’t going to argue. He went into his room, cleaned up a little, and started doing some searches on his computer.

What seemed like hours later, though it could have possibly been minutes, Robin knocked on his door and happily let herself in. “Sebby, Lucien is here.” She gently ushered Lucien into the room and he looked extremely uncomfortable the longer she had her hand on him. “You boys just enjoy yourselves down here till dinner time. We’re having pasta bake for dinner.”

“Okay mum.”

As soon as Robin removed her hand from him Lucien quickly moved away from her and ended up sitting on the couch. He still looked very uncomfortable and wouldn’t make eye contact with him. He just looked distressed and unhappy.

Sebastian sighed a little and got off his computer. “So… I’m guessing you weren’t the one that wanted to come and sleepover?”

Lucien shook his head. “My grandpa said I should do it. Do normal teenage stuff. It apparently occurred to him that I haven’t lived like a normal teen for a while. Next thing I know he’s giving me my backpack and telling me to go and have fun with a school friend…” He smiled sadly. “Heh, guess he ended up getting tired of me too. In the end we all die alone anyway so what’s the point in caring?”

“... Ummmmmmm.”

“Sorry… I talk about unimportant stuff a lot. Just ignore me and keep doing what you’re doing.”

“I’m not doing anything.”

“... Sorry. That was my fault wasn’t it? You shouldn’t feel obliged to entertain me.” Lucien tensed up a little and stared down at the floor. It looked like he was going to start rambling or completely shut down. 

Sebastian needed to thing of something quick. “So um I noticed you scared Alex earlier. How did you manage that?”

“Oh… Nothing special.” Said Lucien quietly. We talked for a bit and I think I used too many big words on him… I like your room. It has personality. It’s cool.”

“Oh.” Sebastian wasn’t used to people complimenting his decor. “Thanks. I did things up how I like it… I just realised that I didn’t see your room when I went over to your place that time.”

Lucien frowned a little as he thought back. “Huh… You’re right. My room is like the rest of the apartment. Kind of plain. It just has an unmade bed in it… Some clothes on the floor… School stuff… That’s about it.”

“I see… Want to watch a movie?”

“Sure.”

Sebastian got his laptop and made himself comfortable on his bed, patting the spot next to him. “Make yourself at home while I set it up.”

For a split second a look of horror and disgust seemed to wash over Lucien’s face before he awkwardly shuffled over to him and sat on the bed with his back firmly pressed against the wall. He balled his fists up on his lap and was squeezing so tightly his knuckles went white. It was pretty concerning but for the moment Sebastian chose to ignore it.

“You have any preference?”

“No horror movies or thrillers… Some dramas I don’t like either…” Now Lucien was blushing. He was just a whirlwind of emotions at the moment. Not even Abby was this emotional when she was watching a romcom. 

“... I have sci-fi? You like sci-fi?”

“As long as there aren’t any sex scenes or rape I don’t care.”

“... Sooooo does that mean the Alien movies are out?”

Lucien pulled a disgusted face. “I really hate those movies.”

“... Starship troopers it is. I don’t think it has sex in it.”

Lucien nodded a little and watched the screen. There was mainly bug killing and what not happening and comical war propaganda that seemed to be more and more like real life propaganda these days. It was kind of spooky. But Lucien seemed to enjoy it, so it was worth it.

After about ten minutes Lucien shuffled closer to him to get a better look at the screen. It was kind of nice to have him closer after accidentally fucking up earlier. Their arms were pressed together and Sebastian could feel the subtle warmth from his skin. He didn’t know why but from that moment on he felt like the movie wasn’t so interesting anymore.

Suddenly Lucien perked up a little. “So do you didn’t drink the other night.”

“Hmm? Oh yeah. I try not to drink and smoke weed at the same time. I don’t know. I just feel like I shouldn’t being doing two bad things at once.”

Lucien nodded. “I see… Maybe I should take up smoking?”

“Where did that come from?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. I heard it can help with stress. Plus you know, it can kill you.”

“You think a lot about death, don’t you?”

“Don’t you? I wonder what’s going to happen to my body when I eventually die.” Admitted Lucien. “Knowing my luck my body is going to end up in the hands of a necrophile… Unless I’m like a burnt body. Then probably not.”

“... Are you serious? How would you even get burnt anyway?”

Lucien shrugged. “Bomb. Fireball. Doused in gasoline. Car explosion. Shit like that.” 

“Huh…”

“Yeah… Have you ever done something horrible that you want to do again?”

Sebastian glanced at him for a moment. “Like what?”

“Like, pour salt on a slug or something and just watch it ooze to death? Or like you know when you get a scab or something and you’re told not to pick it and you suddenly get this compulsion to do so even though you know you shouldn’t because it’s bad for you?”

“I guess? But it’s more to do with acne and crap like that.” He shuddered a little at the memory. “I once had a really bad blackhead along my hairline and the next thing I knew Abby was gouging it out with tweezers. Pretty damn sure I still have a scar there. It made my hyper aware of them and I pop them before Abby can get her hands one me.”

Lucien nodded slowly and pulled his knees up to his chest. “Huh, okay.”

“Guess that wasn’t really what you were talking about?”

“Yeah…”

Robin knocked on the bedroom door and cautiously opened it. “Dinner is ready you two. Come on up.”

The boys made their way up to the kitchen and all sat around the table. Sebastian took his usual seat and Lucien sat by him. Moments later Maru and Demetrius turned up and sat down in their usual seats. Once everyone was seated Robin happily clapped her hands together. 

“Alright everyone. I hope your hungry. I made my famous carbonara pasta bake with extra cheese and bacon.”

Maru grinned. “You’re the best mum.”

Demetrius looked a little unhappy with Robin’s dinner choice. “Hmm, well I guess it’s okay to have something so carbo loaded once in a while.”

Robin made a slightly dismissive sound at Demetrius’s dismissive attitude. “Well it’s nice to have a treat once in a while for dinner. Besides we have a guest over. We can have a salad tomorrow night. Eat up kids.”

Lucien ate some of the pasta bake and smiled a little at Robin. “This is really nice.”

“Thank you Lucien.” Robin seemed very pleased by Lucien’s manners.

From there the family delved into normal family banter. Sebastian ignored it since that was just what he did at family dinners. None of the comments were directed at him anyway. It was mostly Maru talking about school stuff. He didn’t really care about that. It was just going to be her going on and on about stuff that she was so much better than him at. It would be all science stuff and she’d use big complicated words that only Demetrius would understand or care about.

However his attitude changed when Demetrius directed a question at Lucien. “So Lucien-” he bagan. “Robin tells me you live home alone at the moment. Is that true?”

Lucien nodded a little and pushed a bit of pasta around on his plate. “Yeah. My dad is working overseas right now. I’m not sure when he’ll be back. I used to live with my aunt and uncle but well… My uncle died and my aunt got very, very sick. So she’s under 24 hour care in hospital… It’s not so bad. My dad pays for the apartment, bills, and sends me a monthly allowance for groceries and clothes.”

“I’m very sorry to hear about your aunt and uncle.” Said Demetrius. He at least seemed to feel bad about accidentally bringing up bad memories. “What about your mother?”

“... She’s dead.”

“Oh…”

Robin quickly tried to salvage the conversation. “Well I think it’s very impressive that you live on your own at your age, even if it is only temporary. Aren’t you a little worried about people breaking in?”

“Not really.” Said Lucien quietly. “The area I live in is relatively safe. The building has good security.”

Maru sighed a little. “Damn, ust be kind of annoying to have to always make your own food and stuff every day. Most kids would hate that.”

Lucien shrugged. “I don’t particularly like cooking, but it’s something that I have to do. I mostly microwave stuff or put it in the oven. It’s more convenient for me. I just set it, do my homework, and eat when it’s done. Anything left over I incorporate into my lunch for the next day… That reminds me I need to get more cereal.”

“Why don’t you move in with your grandpa?” Asked Demetrius. “Isn’t that a better option than living alone?”

“...” Lucien put down his fork and put on a forced smile. “Well I have a few reasons. I’ve lived in the city my whole life and don’t think I’d really know what I’d do with myself if I lived out here. I also don’t want to impose on my grandpa. He shouldn’t have to look after someone like me at his age. My aunt is also in the city and I get updates from her doctor… I can’t abandon her.”

Demetrius nodded and. He seemed to be satisfied with that answer. After that no one asked Lucien anymore questions. Dinner continued on as normal and once everyone was done the table got cleared and the boys retreated back to the basement. Sebastian felt he had to apologize for the questioning. 

“Sorry about them. They can be pretty nosey sometimes.” Admitted Sebastian. “You should have heard the interrogation they gave Sam when he comes over.”

Lucien nodded and sat on the couch. “It’s okay. I don’t mind… I haven’t sat down and had a meal with a family like that in ages. So it was nice. It made me happy.”

“Even the stuff about your family?”

“... That was unpleasant. But at least they didn’t delve too deeply into it.” He nervously looked around. “So I guess we change into are pyjamas now, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. If you want.”

***

Lucien felt weird about all this. He’d never slept over at someone’s house before. He didn’t know why his grandpa just suddenly sent him there. It made him feel weird. Was his grandpa tired of him already and passing him off to Robin? If that was the case he’d make sure it was the last time he came over to visit his grandpa.

He didn’t want to be a burden on him. He just wanted his grandpa to like him. Having a family like other people was something he desperately wanted. He wanted that familial love. If he couldn’t get familial love he wanted love from somewhere else. From someone else. Anyone else.

He shouldn’t think about those things when at someone else’s place. That would be considered rude, right? He didn’t want to be rude. He and Sebastian hadn’t had some of the friendliest conversations earlier that day, but things seemed good now.

Lucien sat on the blow up mattress and randomly ran his fingers over the stitches in his pyjama pants. Sebastian was on his own bed playing with something on his phone when suddenly he asked him a question. “So does my mum scare you?”

“... All women around my aunt’s age scare me Sebastian.” Muttered Lucien in response. He didn’t like going through this again. “I’m sure she’s a lovely woman and I know it’s irrational for me to think that all women are like my aunt, but the problem is that one of them could be.”

“... Well what did she do to you anyway?” Asked Sebastian. “Are we talking female serial killer levels of torture here or really intense psychological abuse?”

Why did he suddenly want to know about all that? He didn’t want to talk about that. Everything she did. Everything she made him say and do. Everything started off small but it just started getting more and more intense until… until… until...

“Am I on trial or something?” He snapped. “Why the fuck do you care about what she did to me? Just leave it alone. It’s all in the past. I can’t change what happened and neither can you. Remembering every fucking detail and talking about it is excruciating.”

Sebastian looked taken aback by the sudden outburst. “Whoa, I didn’t mean to bring up bad shit I just… I’m a dumb curious teenager?”

“... Why does everyone always seem to be attracted to disgusting and disturbing acts?” Lucien mumbled. He just didn’t understand. He didn’t get it. What was so special about him? What was so special about that? He just wanted it to be over. But he was never going to be over it was he? Someone or something was always going to bring it up and ask every question under the sun. He wanted to cry. “... I’m tired.”

“Want me to turn off the light?”

“Yeah… I just want to sleep.”

Sebastian turned off the lights and Lucien laid down. It felt weird sleeping in someone else’s room. The last time he had shared a bedroom with someone was… Was back then.

In the darkness he felt the mattress dip slightly on both sides of his head. The smell of coffee was pungent and right in front of his face. He could practically see the lipstick grin of the female figure on top of him.

“You’re so handsome.” She purred. “Let me take care of you tonight. You’ve had a stressful day. You know no one can comfort you like I do.”

She touched his face and Lucien felt like vomiting. He knew this was just his mind making him relive this event again. He didn’t want to do that right now. Sebastian would know something was wrong, and then he’d have to explain. He didn’t want to explain. Hands. So many hands. He could feel them creeping all over his body and under his clothes. His anxiety was quickly rising.

“It’s okay to be nervous.” Cooed the voice in a soothing manner. “I’ll take care of you. You just have to lie back and let it happen. I’ll make both of us feel good Tommy. No one can love you like I do. We’re the only ones for each other.”

Lucien could feel his heart hammering away in his chest. He wanted his brain to just shut off already. He had heard many times that people that experienced these kinds of traumas could have out of body experiences and simply observe what was happening to them without feeling the physical sensations. How he wished he was able to so that. 

The only way his mind seemed to be able to protect itself was just to completely shut off emotionally. He could still feel everything but he just reached a state of terror so high his mind just shut down and he just let whatever happen, happen. It was just easier this way.

“I love you Tommy. I love you so much Tommy.”

Lucien wanted to die.


	20. Cindersap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well if you think things are going to get better then next few chapters are just a spiral going down, down, down for Lucien. So strap in for that happening. Kudos and comment please. Enjoy :D

Lucien woke up early, tired and miserable. His mind was a mess of past events all smashed together. It was painful and made every part of him hurt. He rubbed his eyes and looked around the room, momentarily forgetting where he was. He saw Sebastian sleeping on his bed and felt slightly relieved.

He got up, changed out of his pyjamas and quietly left Sebastian’s room. He left the house and walked up to the train station. From there he sat down on the station bench and watched the light slowly start to rise. He didn’t realise that it was still so dark out here. Maybe he was just used to everything being dark.

Now here was the real question; what was he meant to do now? He already had everything he took to Sebastian’s place with him right now. Should he go back? He wasn’t very sure. Maybe his grandpa didn’t want him back right now? He did send him over there after all. It upset him how easily people passed him around like that.

It was fine for a few days when people wanted him around but after prolonged exposure he was pushed aside. Pushed onto someone else. It was like they could just tell there was something wrong with him. They just seemed to know he was broken. Maybe it was human instinct? Everyone around him knew he was broken and there was something wrong with him and in the end they would leave him. Everyone always left him.

Maybe he was just cursed? He wouldn’t put it past life to throw that one at him. Everyone nice to him was dead and everyone else was just passing him around. He was starting to wonder if it really matter where he got love from anymore. He wanted physical contact and affection from another human. He didn’t mind if it was for a few minutes or an hour. He wanted something, anything.

He sniffled a little and let the tears fall from his face. Lucien just felt done with this. There was only so much he could take before he just couldn’t anymore. He wanted to leave his skin. He wanted to leave it and go somewhere else. He just wanted to peel it off like paper and be done with it. How painful would it be to do that anyway?

As he thought those things over in his mind someone approached him. Much to his surprise when Lucien looked up, it was Sebastian. He looked completely miserable and was wearing his hoodie over his pajama shirt while he was still wearing his pajama pants and a pair of ugg boots.

“You know, you’re not as sneaky as you think you are.” Muttered Sebastian. “You woke me up.”

“Oh… Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

Sebastian sighed and sat next to him. “It’s fine… But seriously what the hell is up with you? You’re really weird.”

Lucien shrugged and rubbed his eyes. “I’m fine. Really. If you think I’m weird then just leave me alone.”

“... I’m weird too you idiot.” Muttered Sebastian. “If you haven’t noticed it by now Sam, Abby, you, and me don’t exactly fit in at school. We’re a bunch of weirdos that only fit together because we don’t fit anywhere else.”

Lucien hadn’t thought of it like that before. But at this point did it really matter? All his negative thoughts were still swirling around his head. Everyone was going to abandon him in the end. That’s how the world was. That’s how life was. It was best to cling onto whatever love he could get no matter how fleeting.

Sebastian sighed and tugged on Lucien’s arm. “Come on asshole. We’re going back to my place.”

“Huh?”

“You owe me so much fucking sleep… And mum will get worried if you don’t stay for breakfast. She’ll probably be making pancakes.”

***

Later that day after breakfast Lucien went for a walk before returning to his grandpa’s place. He went down to Cindersap forest to go for a walk and clear his head. He was still convinced that no one really wanted him. 

He kicked a few stones along the dirt and watched them roll away. Maybe things would have been different if he wasn’t so broken? What kind of person would he be if that were the case? He would probably be happier than he was now.

As he walked he heard someone running up behind him. He turned his head just in time to see Alex jogging by. He looked just as surprised to see Lucien out and about. Alex seemed hesitant to get too close to Lucien and went to jog around him.

Lucien’s stomach squeezed painfully when he did that. Everything just hurt. He wanted it to stop hurting. Without really thinking he reached out and grabbed the back of Alex’s shirt. “H-hey I um…”

Alex stopped but made sure to stay a fair distance away from the other. “Yeah bro? What’s up?”

“I um… About… about the other day I… I’m sorry.” He said meekly. “I um, I can’t exactly explain why I did what I did but I did and I’m sorry. I get stupid thoughts and they just keep escalating until I do something stupid like that… Sorry.”

Alex still seemed cautious of Lucien, but he visibly relaxed somewhat. “Oh, okay. Um… No big deal I guess? Nothing that bad happened. Heh, honestly I was more worried about you getting pissed off at me and spreading that rumor that I raped you or something. That’s really fucked up man.”

Yeah, that wasn’t one of Lucien’s finest moments. “Oh… Yeah I don’t throw those kind of allegations around lightly. I was just on a roll and thought that would really mess with you.”

“Well it did so point made.”

“Yeah…” Lucien nervously played with his hair. “Hey um… So I was wondering… Like after you moved in with your grandparents did you still feel like your dad was like… I don’t know… Like his presence was with you or something?”

Alex seemed surprised to hear him ask that question. He sighed and crossed his arms, taking on a more defiant stance. “What does it matter? My old man was and is an asshole who’s hopefully drunk himself to death by now.”

“Oh… I guess it’s only me then…” Yoba, Lucien felt stupid. Of course no one else thought about their abusers the way he did. Normal people hated them. They didn’t feel sadness at their absence. They didn’t think of them fondly. They didn’t think over the things that happened and question how they themselves could have calmed them and defused the situation.

“Huh, no wait I um… Fuck this is hard to talk about…” Alex ran his fingers through his hair. “Um, like when I was younger I guess I could feel his presence and stuff after he was long gone. But you know, shit happens. After some time they stop existing and like, you know. You go back to being you.”

“Oh.”

Alex sat down and sighed. “Well looks like I’m not going to finish my run any time soon. Might as well sit and talk about this.”

Lucien nervously nodded and sat next to him. “O-okay.”

“So…” Began Alex. “Um… For a while when I heard my grandma walking down the hallway at night I thought that it was him coming to get me. But he never came into my room. After a while I forgot I was even worried about the footsteps.”

Lucien nodded a little and pulled his knees up to his chest. “... I can’t smell coffee without thinking about her. My aunt liked the taste and would have it several times a day. Smelling coffee makes me feel sick. She liked straight black coffee with no sugar. Bitter. Always bitter.”

“Oh yeah, I kind of do the same thing. But like, with alcohol.” Said Alex. “The smell of beer really puts me off. Reminds me too much of him.”

“Huh… Okay.” Lucien wondered if he needed to confess something else? Maybe? He might as well say something else. “Sometimes I hear her voice in my head when I get really anxious. I don’t know why… And I can feel her hands on me sometimes. It’s scary… Kind of like how you can feel something crawling over your leg and feel like it’s a spider but it’s not a spider because it’s nothing?”

Alex nodded a little. “Yeah, the spider thing is freaking weird man… I instinctively flinch when I hear glass shattering.”

“Just the normal sounds people make set me on edge.”

“I get angry, like really angry when I see men get violent with women.”

“I play possum when confronted with violence or things I can’t control myself. I pretty much play dead. I can’t fight to save my life. Living with my aunt I just learnt that it was easier to stop resisting and just accept everything that came my way.”

“Huh…” Alex looked over at him. “So, is that why you didn’t do much when you got beaten up before?”

“Pretty much. I just wanted the beating to be over with. No point in drawing it out right?” Lucien rested his forehead against his knees and made a depressed sound. “Pretty pathetic huh? I just give up and roll over. People can just do whatever they want to me and I wouldn’t stop them… Pretty sure at this point if someone stabbed me I would help them carve me up.”

“Dude…”

“I know, I’m morbid.”

They were quiet for a moment. Maybe it was longer than a moment? It had to be at least five minutes. “So… Are you gay?” Asked Alex.

Lucien frowned a little. It was something he hadn’t really thought about before. He didn’t know if he was attracted to men or women. He definitely knew older women were something he would never be able to have a connection with. “I don’t know… I don’t know if I like either.”

“So why did you kiss me?”

“I don’t know… Maybe it was to shut you up? Maybe it was because I wanted to? I have no idea.” Muttered Lucien. “Why? Was it your first kiss?”

Alex blushed and looked away. “What no… Well… First time kissing a guy.”

“No need to be embarrassed. It was just a kiss. Arguable the more innocent of things we could do.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“You bi curious?”

“What?”

“Interested in guys as well as girls.”

“Oh… Kind of. I guess. It’s not like I hated kissing a guy or anything.”

“... Do you want to kiss me again?”

Alex’s blushed darkened. “What? No I um. I was just saying it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. That’s all.”

Lucien shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t really care. Kissing is nice.”

“Yeah it is…” Alex looked over at Lucien again. “So… You kiss people often?”

“Eh, not really. I just like kissing. It can be an innocent thing or it can be a thing that leads to more insidious actions.” He looked over at Alex and smiled a little at him. “Do you really not want to kiss me Alex? I know how it can be when confusing things happen. You want to do it again just to see if you like it or not.”

“No…” Muttered Alex, though he was clearly warming up to the idea now. He kept looking down at Lucien’s lips and then glancing back at his eyes. “I’m not gay…”

“I know. You said you were curious. I’m okay with you kissing me again. I won’t tell anyone anything about it.” Lucien wondered how far he could push Alex’s resolve and have him give in and kiss him. He kind of wanted that too. He wanted someone to kiss him and just leave it at that.

He slowly started to feel the heavy presence of his aunt starting to press on his back. He felt her slender arms slowly snaking down his own and taking a firm grip on his wrists. Lucien could feel her starting to whisper into his ear and he couldn’t stop himself from speaking like her. Acting like her. He felt like she was puppeting him now.

“Of course you don’t have to kiss me Alex. I could kiss you instead.” He said. “We did it that way last time too. Maybe you’re more comfortable with someone else taking charge? Not that I mind. No one will see us out here anyway and if one day kissing leads to something more who am I to say no? I’m curious as to how this will go too.”

Alex hesitated for a moment before he quickly stood up. “Dude, you talk way too much. Later.” He quickly took off running away from him.

As he left Lucien felt the grip of his aunt’s tighten tremendously around his wrists. Her she started whispering harshly into his ear. “Why didn’t do it right.” She hissed. “Disgusting. Disgraceful. You’re pathetic. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?”

“I-I’m sorry.” Lucien whispered. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m sorry.”

“... It’s okay. Just take a deep breath. I know what you want. You just want love. Right?”

“Yeah. I do…”

“You know where in Zuzu you can get it don’t you?”

“Yes auntie…”

“You want to go home now don’t you? Back to the city where you feel safe. Where you belong. Right?”

“Yes auntie…” He felt like he was going to vomit. He didn’t want to admit that his aunt was right. He just wanted someone to like him. He wanted someone to make him feel good for once in his life and the more he listened to his aunt the more it was starting to make sense. 

He slowly got up and started to walk back towards the farm. His head was all foggy and confused at the moment. Being here in the valley wasn’t good for him. It was just making him more confused. Lucien hated how he would always leave the valley with more confused feelings than when came in. He hated it. 

The closer he got to the farm house the more he felt an ominous presence looming over him. His grandfather kicked him out and pushed him onto Sebastian’s family because he didn’t want him around anymore. Lucien understood. He was a waste of space anyway. 

He cautiously opened the door and looked inside. His grandpa was sitting on a chair and looked extremely frustrated. He was glaring at his phone and had it kept off the hook. He looked like he wanted to throw it at the wall, but it was a corded phone so it was attached to the wall.

Lucien felt like he shouldn’t be there. “H-hi?”

The old man looked over at Lucien and his frustration quickly left his face. “Ah Lucien. How was your night?”

“It was fine… So um how are you?”

The old man sighed and put the phone back on the hook. “Frustrated… I managed to get hold of your father and he is still quite infuriating.”

A chill ran up his spine. “Oh? Why did you need to talk to him?” It had to be about his behavior. It had to be. His father was going to tell his grandpa everything about him. How he was a terrible, awful, disgusting, lying child.

His grandpa smiled softly at him, but he looked tired. “Ah just adult stuff. That’s all. You don’t need to worry about any of it.”

In that split second Lucien’s mind was made up. “Oh… Um, okay… So I kinda need to go back home today. Sebastian reminded me of some things I needed to get for class on Monday. I need to get them from a shop near my place.” This was going to be the last time Lucien came to Pelican Town.


	21. Wrong turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for more feels. I regret nothing. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

It was late afternoon when Lucien made it back to the city. The sky was grey and terribly over cast. It looked like at any moment it could and possibly would rain. He didn’t really care though. He felt slightly better now that he was back in Zuzu city. It was kind of funny really. He felt more alone in the city than in the countryside.

It was almost laughable really. He was more alone around people than he was when people were gone. He really did want to laugh at that. It was stupid and pathetic. Hell it was more than that. He just didn’t know what to do with all his negative emotions.

Sure he could have gone straight home and brooded for a bit but that just wasn’t him. Instead Lucien just walked, and walked, and walked. He walked until it got dark.. Though depending on where in Zuzu city he walked the darkness didn’t really matter much. In certain parts of the city it was always bright.

He checked his phone to see the time. It was close to eleven at night. He was surprised he was able to walk for so long without stopping. However as soon as he checked his watch the heavens decided to rain down on him in what felt like a torrential downpour.

Lucien managed to quickly make his way over to a closed shop that had a canopy overhead for shade and in this case shelter. Despite the rain there still seemed to be a fair few people around this part of the city. It surprised him a little, but that was Zuzu city for you. It never slowed down for anyone.

As Lucien’s mind began to wander he almost didn’t notice a man come up and stand near him. He leaned against the window of the shop and smoked a cigarette. Lucien didn’t really take much notice of him until he started to feel that paranoid feeling of someone was watching him. Without looking Lucien could tell it was the man. 

“You want something?”

The man looked at him and smiled. “Sorry. Just couldn’t help but notice that you have no umbrella. You’re soaked to the bone.”

Lucien looked down at himself. He hadn’t realised how wet he was. “Huh… And to think I was just standing out there for a moment. Well that’s rain for you.”

“Yeah… You looking for someone around here?”

“Hmm? No?” Lucien looked around a little and noticed all the neon lights. More often than not he saw the very distinctive XXX. Was he in the red light district? Well now he knew where it was… Wait, did this man think he was a prostitute or something? “Sir, have you been drinking?”

The man laughed and took another drag of his cigarette. “Maybe just one or two. Is that such a big deal?”

“... I guess not.” Lucien wondered how he should deal with this situation. This man was obviously after sex and for some reason he had set his sights on him. He should have just clear it up and let the man know he was just a little lost and still a minor. 

Then again he would have been lying if he said he hadn’t been thinking about it over the last few days. He knew it could be extremely risky. From watching crime shows and what not prostitutes were usually the first targets of serial killers since society didn’t give a shit if they died. Lucien didn’t really care if he lived or died at the moment anyway. Who really cared anyway. He was practically eighteen anyway and he’d lost his so called virginity months ago.

Did it really matter that much anymore anyway? Did anything matter? This time it was definitely going to be a different experience. He hadn’t had sex with a man before. Lucien wondered if this meant he would be completely broken beyond repair if he crossed this line. Then again he was practically shattered so it didn’t make much of a difference anyway. Doing this wasn’t going to break him anymore than he already was.

Lucien put on a coy smile and tucked some of his wet hair behind his ear. Although he was used to saying what women wanted to hear it shouldn’t be that difficult with a man. “So what do you drink? I’m usually drinking whisky or some hard spirits.”

The man raised an eyebrow and chuckled. “Spirits huh? Didn’t expect a pretty boy like you to be a hard drinker.”

“Only when I’m with someone I like who likes me back. Do you like me?” He purred. 

“I like you plenty.”

“Like me enough to take me somewhere I can get out of these damp clothes?”

The man smirked at him. “Now you’re talking. Your place or mine?”

“I’d prefer a motel. It’s cheap and neither of us will have to worry about kicking anyone out when we’ve had our fun.”

“Good point.” The man stubbed his cigarette out on the side of the building and wraps his arm around Lucien’s shoulders. “Let’s find ourselves a taxi.”

Lucien smiled and walked with him. He didn’t really know how he felt about this. Could he back out now if he tried. But in an odd way he wanted to do this. He wanted to see how he would react to this kind of love. It was probably going to hurt a little, but he was fine with that. It probably wouldn’t hurt as much as some of the other things he had done before.

“Did you hear me?” Asked the man.

Lucien blinked and looked at him with a surprised look on his face. “Sorry, I kind of blanked out a moment there. What was that?”

The man chuckled. “I asked if this was your first time on not pretty boy.”

Lucien blushed a little. Was he really that obvious? He couldn’t worry about that now. He just smiled up at him. “So you prefer your boys all innocent, or one with a little experience? I can be whatever you want me to be. I try my best to be accommodating for my partners.”

The man seemed to like that answer. “Well aren’t you a sweet talker pretty boy. You gonna be this sweet to me later on?”

“Only if you’re sweet to me.” Purred Lucien. “I can fight back a little if you like it rough.”

It seemed like Lucien was pressing all the right buttons. This man looked more than a little excited about ravishing Lucien’s body as much as he pleased. That look in his eyes sent a slight shiver down his spine, but it did give him a sick sense of excitement. A thrill. A spike of adrenaline. He wanted this. He was going to do it.

The two of them walked close to the buildings to avoid most of the rain. They ended up bumping into a few people but that didn’t matter till Lucien accidentally bumped into someone he knew, even though they only met for a few minutes, Lucien knew them. The man with a gruff voice that yanked him away from the bridge. Shane.

“Whoa, sorry pal.” Said the man.

For the moment Shane’s attention was all on the man. “Nah man. It’s whatev-” Then he saw Lucien. He frowned a little as he stared at the teen before he managed to recall who Lucien was in his mind. He looked at the man with a blank expression. “Um, you know this kid is like under eighteen right?”

The man was completely shocked and let hi of Lucien like touching him was burning him. “You’re not eighteen?” He quickly became extremely pissed. “The fuck? That’s fucking entrapment you little shit! Go blackmail someone else.” With that the man walked away and into the nearest strip club.

Almost as a reacting Lucien went to follow him but Shane held him back. “Kid, you ain’t going to get into a titty bar without ID. Highly doubt you have that.”

Lucien could feel the heat of embarrassment washing over himself. He quickly pushed Shane’s hand away. “Shut up. Why the fuck should you care about me? You hardly know me. What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Firstly, I am an adult. I can legally go to a strip club if I damn well please. Secondly, I like many individuals out there don’t think it’s a good idea for a high school kid to prostitute themselves out.”

“How do you know I’m not eighteen anyway?”

“You would have corrected me straight away and showed some ID when I said you were underaged.”

“...” Lucien felt awful and confused. He wanted to do this didn’t he? He had come here for a reason. Right? He was a broken mess so who really cared what he did with his body anyway? He felt sick. He wanted to vomit. He wanted to cry. Everything was just a mess.

Shane sighed. “Look, just go home already kid. You ain’t old enough to be here anyway.”

“... I don’t know where the bus stop is.” Lucien lamely admitted. He had just walked here. No one could expect him to know where the bus stop was.

Shane was less than amused. “Kid, the bus line here is closed between ten at night to two in the morning for road works. You’ll need to get a taxi.”

“Oh… I didn’t know.”

The older man shook his head. “Geeze kid. You a run away or something? If you’re running away from home you should have an actual plan and not ust do dumb shit like this.”

“I’m not running away from home.” Said Lucien quietly. “I just… Where are the taxi’s anyway?”

“... Just follow me. I’m done for tonight anyway.”

Lucien followed Shane to the road and watched as the older male attempted to hail a taxi with little success in the downpour. At least they were able to take some shelter under the bus stop shelter. When the traffic came to a stop due to traffic lights Shane momentarily gave up to stand under the shelter with Lucien. The two stood in silence for a bit.

“So… Why whore yourself out?” Asked Shane. “You know that shit can be really dangerous.”

Lucien shrugged. “I was bored and wanted to see what would happen. Isn’t that why people do most things?”

“I guess… But you still shouldn’t be doing that shit. You could end up with an infection or you know, dead.”

Of course he knew that. But he didn’t care. If anything a small part of him was hoping for a sudden death. If his life was suddenly in the hands of someone else then all accountability was off him, right? It wasn’t his fault if some predator decided to strangle him or stab him. He would have just been unfortunate. Now that would be a way to go.

“I know that Shane. But the thing you don’t understand is that I don’t really care.” Being blunt with this man wasn’t a big deal. He was tired and upset that he had used up so much of his emotional energy into sweet talking a guy and then Shane just ruined it. The man had even called him pretty boy. No one had called him something like that and it made him feel kind of nice. Maybe he was starting to develop a type? Older men? “I just wanted to see where things went. No big deal.”

“... You’re still a kid. You don’t know what you want.”

“Yet we’re told to go ahead and choose our careers before we’re old enough to drink.”

“Touche.”

Lucien sighed a little and looked to see if the lights were still red. They were. Maybe he could turn this night around a little. “... So what do you expect to happen now?”

“Hmm?”

“You swoop in and save me once again from a perceived danger. Sounds like someone wants something from the other, hmm?”

Shane gave Lucien a confused look. “What are you talking about? I saw some dumbass that looked like they were going to fall and die. I saw a kid getting lead away by some guy looking to fuck. I was just doing what a responsible adult would do.”

“Still, we could get some beer, go somewhere quiet a drink till you think I’m legal.”

Shane’s eyebrows shot up into his hairline. “Yeah, no. That’s not happening. Kid if you’re that horny get yourself a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. Preferably one that is your age. Don’t go chasing after older people. Older people can really fuck up your life if you give them that much power over you.” The traffic started to move again and Shane went back to trying to hail a taxi.

Lucien thought over what Shane had said. He wondered what it would be like to be with an older person. Did he really care that much about the negative consequences? Was that really that much different from living with his aunt? At least if he was with someone else he could be himself. Maybe he should just drop out of high school and continue to pursue this lifestyle? That wouldn’t be so bad.

A taxi pulled up and Shane called Lucien over. The two of them got into the backseat and Lucien told the man where he wanted to go. Hearing the address Shane gave Lucien a surprised look. “Huh. That’s a pretty high class neighbourhood.”

“Yeah.” Lucien looked out the window and watched the lights streek by. “... You sure you won’t take me up on my offer?”

“Yeah, I’m sure… And I’m just here to make sure you have enough money to get home.”

“Oh? And here I thought you liked me.”

“Eh, you’re a bit of a little shit.” Admitted Shane. “Hell, I don’t even know your name.”

“Really? I didn’t tell you? It’s Lucien.”

“Lucien… Stay away from that place till you’re eighteen. I doubt you’ll be as lucky as you were this time.”

“Hopefully.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

The rest of the trip was quiet and Lucien easily paid for his share of the ride when they pulled up in front of his building. He watched the taxi drive away and went back into his home. He threw his wet clothes into the washing basket and had a warm shower. That felt better.

Once he had showered he made himself some instant noodles and sat on the couch. He had school tomorrow but it was almost midnight. He could just not go. That wasn’t such a big deal. He didn’t really care too much about going to school at the moment.

Suddenly he sneezed. Lucien groaned a little and rubbed at his sinuses. It felt like he was developing a cold. He hoped that wasn’t the case. Staying at home was a whatever thing for him, but staying home when he was sick that sucked. Especially since he lived alone. He didn’t have much in the way of cold medication or medication in general. He probably had about half a box of painkillers left.

If he was still sick he would have to go out and get some over the counter stuff at the pharmacy in the morning.


	22. Sickness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every wanted to know why Lucien had to change schools? Oh boy strap yourselves in because things are getting rough for our boy in this longer than normal chapter. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien was standing at a bus stop. It was crowded and it was raining. Since there were so many people it didn’t matter that he didn’t have an umbrella. He was still relatively dry. A bus pulled up but it wasn’t his. He watched people get onto the bus and quietly lamented at the fact that he was now getting rained on.

For a moment he wondered if he should get his umbrella out of his bag. Deciding it was the best idea, Lucien went to shrug off his bag but froze when he saw his arm that was getting rained on. It was completely soaked in blood. What happened? Had he cut himself? Why didn’t someone say anything?

He grabbed at his arm and tried to search for some sort of cut, but he couldn’t find any. He did however find that when his skin touched the rain his skin became stained with blood. With shock Lucien stumbled away from the people at the bus stop. The rain seemed to pick up and he quickly became saturated in blood.

Why couldn’t anyone else see it? Why weren’t they freaking out? Weren’t they worried? Weren’t they scared? Why was he the only one that saw this? What was going on? Why? He looked around for help but the faces of everyone around him seemed to be distorted and glitched out. The only thing he could make out were two piercing white lights where they eyes should have been. 

He backed away from those people and accidently bumped into another. “Ah, s-sorry. I-” Lucien started coughing. It felt like there was something lodged in his throat. After a few seconds he coughed something white and squirming into his hand. A maggot? Several maggots? Why did he have maggots in his throat?

The faceless person he bumped into made a noise that sounded like static that hurt Lucien’s ears and he quickly recoiled.

“What’s his problem?” Whispered a distorted voice.

“What’s wrong with him?” Asked another.

“Crazy.”

“Disturbed.”

“Rotten.”

“Broken.”

Lucien ran away from the bus stop as fast as he could down the street of distorted people. Every now and then he could feel that grotesque feeling in his throat and he coughed up more maggots. He needed to get back home. He needed to get away from all of this.

He soon got to his apartment and dashed into the bathroom. He needed to get the blood off his skin. So much blood. Once his skin was clean he could worry about the maggots in his throat. He stripped down and got into the shower and grabbed a scrubbing brush. 

With the vigour someone has when trying to scrub off that one stubborn bit of burnt food from the bottom of a frying pan Lucien worked at his skin. All the while coughing up maggots and now worms. Thick, ropy worms with abnormal features. They looked like they might have had pincers or something.

“No…” Muttered Lucien as he scrubbed harder. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no ergh-” He felt something scuttling up the back of his throat and around his mouth. It was an involuntary reaction, but Lucien heaved and vomited up all manner of bugs. Maggots, worms, roaches, centipedes and beetles. They were practically falling out at of his mouth every time he exhaled at this point.

He was worse than broken at this point. His insides were rotten and full of bugs. It didn’t matter how much he tried to scrub himself clean. He could never be clean. He would never be clean again. His insides were rotten and beyond saving. It was only a matter of time before his rotten insides made it all the way out to his skin. 

Lucien got out of the shower, now overflowing with more bugs than could physically fit inside the human body. He stumbled to the bathroom door and fell through it.

He hit the ground with a massive thump and he slowly sat up groaning. He was no longer in his home. He was in the hallway of some kind of building. With trembling legs he pulled himself to his feet and was shocked to see his skin was no longer bloody and he was wearing clothes and he was no longer vomiting bugs.

Lucien sighed in relief and had a proper look at his clothes; black pants, black shoes, white socks, white button up shirt, red tie, and a red blazer. On the blazer was some kind of emblem that he recognized all too well. It was the emblem of Percheron high school. His old school.

“Oh Yoba…” He whimpered. “Not here…” He looked around the hallway and he could see all the lockers and notices that were lined on every wall. He was terrified. He knew what was going to happen here. It always did. He couldn’t change it.

Down the far end of the hallway he heard something that sounded like the distinct clicking of high heels against tiled floor. He had to run. He didn’t want them to catch him. He had to run away. 

Lucien turned tail and ran as fast as he could down the hallway. He turned the corner and the hallway quickly turned into a maze. A never ending labyrinth. But that didn’t matter. He had to run away as fast as he could. Many times he caught a flicker of the creature that was hunting him down as he circled back in an attempt to find a way out of this mess.

In a blind panic he pushed open a classroom door and hid under the teacher’s desk. He heard the creature quickly walking past the room and he didn’t dare breathe until it was completely gone.

He sighed and leaned against the side of the desk. Everything was okay now. He would be fine. He… Why did he smell coffee?

From the darkness he felt dozens of hands with painted nails reaching out and grabbing at his skin. With a high pitched laugh an all too familiar voice gleefully called out. “Found you! Not going to let you go now. You silly boy.” With that she violently yanked him back into the darkness.

***

Lucien jolted awake. His mind was still in a panic as he ran his hands over where those clawed hands had grabbed him. He managed to breathe a sigh of relief when he realised that everything was okay. He was fine. He went to sit up, but his head felt heavy and all his joints hurt. He sneezed and fell back onto the mattress. He caught a cold.

“Fan-fucking-tastic.” He muttered.

With a groan Lucien pulled himself up, put on some clothes, and shuffled down to the pharmacy. Everything was still wet and damp, but at least it wasn’t raining. He got some over the counter cold medicine and walked home. He felt like trash and probably looked like it too.

When he returned home he made himself some instant noodles and put them on his bedside table before taking the cold medicine and went back to bed. He got the drowsy stuff so he could get some more sleep Hopefully he wouldn’t have anymore dreams about vomiting up insects.

***

Sebastian was surprised to see that Lucien wasn’t at school. Sam and Abby had suggested that he might have caught a later bus. But by the time roll call happened it was apparent he wasn’t turning up. It was a little concerning since he hadn’t messaged anyone that he wasn’t going to show up, and the kids that usually caught the same bus as him were all there.

“Maybe he’s sick?” Suggested Sam. “Heck if I felt unwell and lived home alone I’d take a day off school. Who wouldn’t?”

Abby shrugged and texted him. “True. Also if I didn’t do my homework I’d stay at home to finish it. Wouldn’t you?”

“... Another good point. Can I look at your English homework?” Asked Sam.

“Piss off Sam.” Muttered Abby. “Oh, bingo. Looks like our boy is sick.” She showed Sam and Sebastian a selfie of Lucien looking dead to the world along with the text that just read; I have a cold.

Sebastian frowned when he read that. “Huh, that probably sucks for him. Hope is isn’t really sick. No one’s around to help him if he’s really fucked up.”

“Yeah…” Sam sighed. “If I still lived in the city I’d drop by to see if he was okay. Hell, my mum would probably drive me over with a casserole or something. She might even make him move in with us till he got better.”

Abby frowned and flicked an eraser across her desk. “I’d love to just go to the city after school. Overprotective parents suck… My dad gave me bear mace for that reason.”

Suddenly Sam started to laugh. “Ah, good old mace. The other day my mum was watching this crime show and right in the middle of this police station this guy all hopped up on drugs tried to escape police custody so he got maced, but you know, drugs. So when that didn’t work they tased him and he exploded into flames. It was like something out of an old cartoon.”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Sam, you have a really short attention span.”

“I know. Pretty sure I have some form of ADD. Your point?”

She didn’t dignify that with a response and looked over at Sebastian. “What about you? If you tell your mum you’re going to help a friend that’s sick. Maybe say something about homework or something? I don’t know… Also isn’t the next issue of Saga X out or something?”

Sebastian gave her a suspicious look. “Why do I feel like you’re setting me up for something?”

“I’m not.” She protested. “I’m just worried about him. He’s our friend and well… He’s been acting weird lately. Imagine how loopy he might be all hopped up on cold meds?”

She had a point so Sebastian started texting his mum and let her know about Lucien being sick and skipping school. Needless to say he got an almost instant response of approval along with several suggestions as to how to take care of someone with a cold. 

***

After school Sebastian found himself outside Lucien’s apartment. He knocked on the door and waited a few minutes before Lucien managed to drag himself to the door to answer. He looked dead or like he was about to drop dead at any second.

“... And you are here because?”

“Um… You’re sick and I got nominated to make sure you weren’t dead. Also homework and shit.”

Lucien nodded and let Sebastian in. “Come in… I don’t really have anything to eat or drink and I…” He stumbled a little and steadied himself against the wall. 

“Easy there.” Sebastian helped Lucien back to his room where Lucien ended up collapsing in a heap on his bed. Surprisingly for someone who was sick his room was surprisingly clean. Almost showroom quality if it wasn’t for the messy bed and the bowl of cold instant noodles on the bedside table. “... So this is your room?”

“Hmmmmm…” Lucien slowly pulled himself into a sitting position. “Yeah… It’s kind of messy but whatever. It’s mine.” He rubbed his eyes a little and sniffled. “Sorry, my meds are making me drowsy… I’ve been sleeping most of the day.”

“Explains why you didn’t answer my text when I sent you one to let you know I was coming over.”

Lucien just nodded. His head seemed heavy as he wasn’t able to keep it up straight under his own strength. This wasn’t a very good sign in Sebastian’s book. He saw the box of cold medicine that Lucien had been taking and he took the flimsy piece of paper out of the box and looked at the side effects. 

General ones were things like drowsiness, mild nausea, and mild stomach pains. But apparently there were two extremely rare side effects that were listed as something that happens to 1 in every 10,000 people; mild delirium, and decreased vitamin B12 levels. Then of course there was also death by overdose warning but that was kind of a given. 

He looked at Lucien. The teen seemed to just be too tired for his own good. He did say he had been sleeping for most of the day. “So… I guess you haven’t eaten anything?”

“I have some noodles…”

“They look pretty cold.”

“I made them this morning.”

“Yeah I’ll make you something…”

“You don’t have to do that.”

Sebastian shook his head and took the bowl out of his room. “Just shut up and rest for a bit. You’ll feel better when you’ve rested some more and eaten something.” He went to the kitchen and had a look at some of the things his mum suggested he make for someone who was sick. Unfortunately when he looked in the fridge, freezer, and cupboard all he found were some eggs, a few ice cubes, and packets of instant noodles. “... Seriously?”

He walked back to Lucien’s room and found the other teen curled up and shivering. “H-hey… Can you get a blanket out of my wardrobe? They are up the top.”

“Sure… You know you have like nothing to eat in here, right?”

“I go food shopping on the weekend.”

“... Oh.” Sebastian walked over to the wardrobe and looked inside. Apparently Lucien lied a very minimalist lifestyle. He had less than five jackets and one button up shirt. He probably had a few T-shirts and pants in the drawers but there was an almost absurd amount of space in there. The only other thing of note clothes wise was a school uniform pushed all the way to the far side of the wardrobe covered in a clear plastic sheet. He could clearly see the bright red blazer and the school emblem for Percheron high school. There was a sizable rip in it from where the sleeve joined up with the shoulder.

Lucien sudden sneezing quickly brought Sebastian back to what he was doing and he pulled a blanket down from the space above the coat hangers and helped Lucien throw it over himself.

“Is that better?”

“Yeah… You can go home if you want. You don’t have to stay here.”

“I know, but you are really fucked up right now and you have no food at all so… Do you have any cash on you?” He asked. “I’ll at least get you some things to last a few days so you don’t have to cook or heat anything.”

“Hmmm, my wallet’s in my school bag… I have some gold in there.” Lucien curled up more under his sheets. He reminded Sebastian of a cat.

He gently touched Lucien’s forehead. He was shivering but he felt warm. “... I don’t think the blanket is a good idea. You’re burning up… Do you have like a wash cloth or something?”

“Bathroom under the sink.” Muttered Lucien as his eyelids slipped shut.

Sebastian quickly found one, dampened it with cold water, and put it on Lucien’s forehead. “I’ll be back in a little bit. You try and cool down and get some sleep.”

“But I’m already cold…”

“You just think you are. You’re not. You’re burning up.” Before Lucien could mutter too much more Sebastian grabbed the wallet and Lucien’s house keys before leaving the apartment. He would just go down to a convenient store and grab a few things for Lucien. Some bread, meat, and vegetables would be okay for a few days. Just stuff he could eat without having to cook. Luckily he had noticed that there was a convenient store about a block away from the apartments so he didn’t have to walk far. 

While he was looking through what stuff they had in there he happened to notice a few goth private school girls that looked like they just got out of school. Their school uniform seemed to consist of a red tartan skirt, red blazer, and white button up shirt. It was a striking contrast to the platform boots and dark makeup they chose to wear. On their blazers was the emblem for Percheron high school. They stood by the magazine rack while talking about school stuff.

Would they know about Lucien?

These girls seemed to be around his age so it was possible, but then again he didn’t know anything about how big that school was. It could have over two hundred students per grade for all he knew. Then again he probably wouldn’t get a chance to talk to someone from there again. He decided to just go for it and approached them.

The taller of the three noticed him first and subtly gestured to the other two who quickly looked at him. “Can we help you?” Asked the shortest of the trio.

Sebastian didn’t really know how to start since he never really thought ahead of time what he would say. “Um… Hi. So this might sound a little weird but-”

“We’re minors you pervert.” Snapped the short one. “Just because we’re goth high school girls in private school uniforms your gross ass thinks we’re going to put out for some emo weirdo that wants a big tittied goth girlfriend? Piss off.”

“I’m seventeen.” Said Sebastian. He couldn’t really think of much of a comeback to being called a pervert by a sharp tongued, tiny goth.

The tallest of the girls adjusted her glasses and put a hand on the tiny goth’s shoulder. “Please pay no mind to her. She’s never been kind to strangers.”

The third girl who had yet to speak just chuckled and looked over Sebastian with a critical eye. “But seriously what do you want?”

“Right…” Now Sebastian just felt awkward. “Okay, so this is going to sound dumb and everything but I noticed you three go to Percheron high-”

“Stalker.” Hissed the tiny one.

“It’s on your uniforms.” Clarified Sebastian. “Anyway, a guy this year just kind of transferred from your school to mine. Lucien Asher? I know it’s a long shot but I was just wondering-”

This time the tall girl was the one to interrupt him. “Oh he’s back in school? I would have thought he was still locked up after what happened.”

The tiny girl nodded in agreement. “That was pretty crazy. Didn’t the teacher have like a month off after that and a fractured arm?”

“I believe so.” Said the tall girl. “Pretty scary stuff.”

Sebastian stared at the girls in surprise. What happened? What were they talking about? Did they think Lucien was locked up or something? Did he assault a teacher? He was so confused.

The tall girl took pity on Sebastian and sighed a little. “Look, what happened was really shocking. Lucien was a nice enough guy. I’ve known him for a few years. He was pretty much a guy that got along with everyone. Jocks, nerds, burn outs, rich snobs, and even the super religious kids. It was kind of amazing… But despite all that he never really had any close friends as far as I knew.”

The tiny goth agreed. “Yeah… But he was a pretty nice guy. No one bullied him as far as we know. Then things started to get a little weird like two years ago? Like right at the end before Winter star… Didn’t he go to someone’s funeral?”

“I heard it was his uncle.” Said the other goth girl. “Poor guy. Heard he got murdered in a botched robbery. It was on the news… So no one really worried that much when he started to put distance between himself and everyone else. Especially because last year he seemed like he was fine. He was just a little more tired. Spaced out a lot. Worried the teachers though.”

The tiny goth nodded. “Yeah. The teachers were asking all of us if we knew anything but well, we weren’t close friends… Then things just blew up after the Summer holidays. You were there when it went down weren’t you Faith?”

The tall girl, who was apparently named Faith, nodded. “Yes. I remember quite well… Over the Summer holidays the cafeteria was getting new tiles put in. Unfortunately they were behind schedule so everyone had to bring their own lunches for the first week and eat in their classrooms… It was the first day back and if I remember Lucien was unusually quiet. I think he only spoke once during the whole day. Anyway, this is how the incident went down…”

***

That day Faith had eaten her lunch alone in an almost empty classroom while her friends were off to their lockers to put away containers and to find notebooks. Faith had a few math problems she wanted to work on with the help of the nice math teacher, Mrs Murdock. She was a middle aged woman that always had her hair pulled back into a sensible pony tail and wore clothes that made her look like she was going to a business meeting rather than a high school.

Her classroom was relatively empty and Faith took a seat close to the front. There were five other students in there including herself. Two girls were near the front talking and reading fashion magazines while Lucien and some other boy were near the beck of the room. Lucien was staring out into space and the other boy looked like he was struggling with his own math problems. Mrs Murdock was at her own desk reading a book.

“Excuse me, Mrs Murdock?” Called the boy at the back of the room. “I’m having a bit of trouble with this question.”

The teacher put down her book and happily headed over to him. “Well let’s see if we can solve this together.”

Faith tuned out and went about trying to solve her own math problems and wait patiently for her teacher finish helping them before she could help her. Suddenly the sound of screaming accompanied by a body crashing into desks filled the room and everyone turned in shock to see what had happened.

Mrs Murdock had been violently shoved to the ground, pushing and knocking several chairs over. Lucien was standing a few feet away from with a terrified look in his eyes. His chair knocked to the ground. Everyone seemed to be in shock at the scene before them.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” Yelled the other boy as he went to help Mrs Murdock, who seemed a little surprised but okay.

Lucien started breathing heavily like he was having a panic attack and started to violently rake his nails across his scalp. He whimpered out over and over again. “No… no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-”

By now Mrs Murdock was back on her feet and cautiously approached him. “Lucien? Please calm down.” She was close enough to touch his shoulder “Take a deep breath and-”

The physical reaction he had to her making contact with him was almost instantaneous. He violently doubled over and vomited onto the ground. It made Mrs Murdock take a step back in shock. Everyone in the class was also shocked by this reaction.

“I-I’m sorry…” Sobbed Lucien as he slowly backed himself into a corner of the room. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Please leave me alone! Go away! Go away! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

By now the two girls at the front of the class had ran out the door and went to alert other teachers about what was happening. Faith herself was unable to move from where she was standing. Of all the people in the school Lucien didn’t seem like the kind of person that would have a mental snap out of the blue like that. Then again she didn’t really know him did she? Who really knew him?

To her credit Mrs Murdock was trying her best to calm Lucien down and get him to state where he wasn’t panicking. “Its okay Lucien. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just a little shocked, right? That’s okay. Let’s sit down and talk about this.”

Lucien was trembling in terror at this point. His head was bowed and he had firmly pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. “G-go away. Just go away.” He whimpered through shaky breaths. His foot hit the small trash bin at the back of the classroom. “... L-leave me alone. Go away. I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay Lucien.” Said the teacher in a calming voice.”Can you tell me what you are sorry for? It would make forgiving you much easier if you tell me why you’re-”

“LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU BITCH!” He screamed as he grabbed hold the small metal bin and swung it as hard as he could at her.

***

“Thank goodness Mrs Murdock was able to block that attack.” Said Faith. “After that some other teachers came in and were able to subdue him till the police and an ambulance came… Just imagine how much that would have blown up if the school didn’t have a no phones during school hours policy?”

The other two girls nodded in agreement while Sebastian just stared at them in complete shock. Lucien snapped and attacked a teacher? That really didn’t seem like him at all. There was no way that could be true, right?

He swallowed thickly. “So um… ever find out why he snapped?”

The tiny goth shrugged. “Lots of rumours. Stuff like he was a psycho in the making that might have shot up the school if he had been able to get a gun, he’s crazy, he got physically abused by someone over the holidays. Lots of rumours.”

Faith rolled her eyes. “Those rumours were the most distasteful. Especially since it was mostly the boys making rape jokes. Bloody disgusting. Saying horrible things like it was the landlord of his apartment or he got attacked by a gang… I think the worst rumour was that he contracted syphilis and that’s why he lost his mind. No prizes for guessing what assholes were saying such awful things.”

The other girl nodded. “That was really awful… Anyway, if you know Lucien I’m glad he’s well enough to go to school again. He’s a nice guy. Didn’t deserve something bad to happen to him.” She looked over to the guy at the cash register giving them a dirty look. “Yikes, looks like we outstayed our welcome. Let’s go girls.”

The girls left and Sebastian went to the counter to buy his groceries. He had a lot to think about. He wondered why Lucien snapped in the first place and why he would have such a violent reaction. Maybe what happened that Summer had to do with his aunt? That might explain why he’s scared of older women, right? His aunt had something to do with it, he was sure of it. 

Once he paid for the groceries Sebastian walked back to Lucien’s apartment. His mind was still swirling with questions that he knew Lucien would never answer. Who would want to tell anyone about their own mental snap? With some hesitation Sebastian opened the door.


	23. Medicated confession

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who wants more pain and suffering? I know I do and if you're reading this apparently so do you. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank each and everyone of you that reads, leaves a kudos and or a comment. It really warms my heart whenever I see one of those numbers go up. It makes me think I'm doing something right.
> 
> Warning; explicit mentions of rape and sexual abuse in the first half of this chapter. So proceed with caution.
> 
> Kudos and comment when you can please. Enjoy :D

Everything was quiet. That was fine. Didn’t someone come over? Maybe. It was hazy. Lucien wasn’t too sure what was going on anymore. He was cold and hot at the same time. The colours and shapes in his room were all blurring together. Lucien blinked slowly and attempted to sit up but his head felt too heavy.

From the corner of his eye he saw something move. A shape? A human? Who was it? It didn’t look like his aunt. It was something else. Someone else. She struggled to see who it was specifically but there presence made him feel safe.

He felt them touch his forehead and speak softly. “Your fever is still pretty high. Are you okay?”

That comforting voice. Who was it? Was it his mum? Sounded like it might be. It had to be his mum. Who else could it be. Lucien smiled and laughed a little. “I’m okay now that you’re here.”

She hummed a little and brought his desk chair over and sat by him. “You sure?”

“Yeah, I missed you.” He reached over to her and she held his hand. It was nice. “How are you?”

“I’m okay… I brought you some food and put it away for you. It should be enough for a few days till you can go back to school.”

Lucien nodded and let his eyelids slip shut. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Hmm… While I was out I happened to run into some girls from your old school.” She said quietly. “They talked about why you changed schools and I’ll be honest it worried me. You attacked a teacher.”

Guilt was pretty much all Lucien could feel at the moment. He didn’t mean to upset his mum. Of course she would be worried about him after hearing that. She wouldn’t have known about everything that had happened. She wasn’t there. If she was there things could have been different.

“I’m sorry…” He muttered. “I’m a horrible human. I was just lucky she didn’t press charges. She should have. I didn’t deserve to get off as lightly as I did.”

“Why did you attack her?”

He didn’t want to admit it, but is was his mum. He needed to tell her. “Auntie… Something about her reminded me of auntie… She was drinking coffee, all I could smell was coffee… And she was coming close to me and when I was able to go to school I thought I would have been far enough away from her but she… All I could think of was my aunt and how disgusting she made me feel. I thought I was safe at school, but I wasn’t.”

His mum squeezed his hand and tried to reassure him that everything was okay. “It’s okay Lucien. What did she do to you? Can you tell me?”

“... It wasn’t her fault.” Said Lucien. “She’s a good person. She just… She just did something stupid. She made a mista- I made a mistake. I should have taken better care of her. I just couldn’t… I didn’t give her what she needed. I took advantage of her didn’t I?” He felt like he was going to cry and to be honest he probably was. “She… After my uncle died she couldn’t accept it. She couldn’t believe he was gone. She got angry at me and frustrated and I didn’t know what to do… I let her do whatever she wanted while I tried to make sure the house didn’t fall apart.”

His mum squeezed his hand. “Hey, it’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

“But it is… After a while she started confusing me for my uncle. I don’t even look like him. My uncle was Tongan; tall, dark skin, curly black hair, built like a wall.” Lamented Lucien. “But I… I didn’t… I was tired of her being frustrated, angry, and sad all the time. So I just… I gave up. Yes, okay. I am Tommy. I’m not dead. I guess I thought she would calm down and start taking her meds again if she thought I was him. She listened to him but then…”

“Then?”

Lucien was hesitant to tell her. “She’s a good person. She didn’t mean to.... Don’t be mad at her, please. She didn’t know what she was doing.”

“It’s okay you can tell me.”

“... She came into my room the first night of the Summer holidays and she… She raped me.” 

“What?”

Lucien couldn’t help but laugh and cry when she said that. Even she, his own mother couldn’t believe a man could get raped by a woman. “I should have pushed her away but I didn’t. Maybe I was in shock and denied it happened but every damn night it happened. Every night she would come in, crawl on top of me and do it… And every night I would let her do it… I don’t know why but it seemed to calm her down. It made things more bearable but I… Every night I scrubbed myself so hard with a scrubbing brush I ended up bleeding.”

His mother’s grip tightened on his hand. “Lucien… It wasn’t your fault. Why didn’t you go to the police?”

“Who would believe me?” Cried Lucien. “No one would. Auntie is very calm and level headed in appearance until something sets her off. If They asked her if she was raping her nephew she would laugh it off as a sick joke. That would be it… Besides if the believed me then they found out she was mentally unwell I would be the one going to prison for raping her!” He tried to rub the tears from his eyes but they just kept flowing. “I’m sick aren’t I? I should have pushed her away and gotten her some help. But I couldn’t I just couldn’t. It’s my fault this all happened.”

“Lucien… It wasn’t your fault.” Said his mother in a soothing voice. She was doing her best to try and calm him but it wasn’t working this time. It was his fault. It was all his fault. Everything was his fault.

“It is… I’m the reason my uncle was in the store when it got robbed.” Confessed Lucien. “I’m the reason he’s dead. I texted him while I was at school. I asked him to get me something stupid that I could have gotten after school. I was just lazy. I got him killed… I ruined my aunt’s life. I killed my uncle. I’m bad luck. I ruin everything. Everyone close to me gets hurt… No matter what she did to me I was willing to take it. I deserve that punishment for killing the one person she loved more than anything in the world,”

There. The truth had been all laid out for his mum to hear. His son was a monster that cursed everyone around them. All the people around him became enraged and left him by either dying or through other means. Eventually the same thing would happen with his grandpa. He would grow to hate him and then that would be it. A monster had grown in his heart, and now there was nothing left.

“But how did people find out?” Asked his mum. “If you didn’t go to the police and wouldn’t say anything against her how would anyone know?”

Lucien sniffled a little. “After I attacked the teacher I was taken to the police station. I wouldn’t stop yelling and screaming so they brought in a psychologist and they said I was suffering from a combination of mental traumas that they typically see in victims of rape and sexual abuse… I tried to explain that my aunt was a good person and she didn’t know what she was doing but still she… They took her away... “ He burst into tears again. “I-I was trying my best to look after her. I was going to drop out of school at the end of that year. Sh-she’s family! She’s the only one that cares for me!”

“What about your grandpa? He cares about you. He wants you to move in with him. He wants you to move to Pelican Town. Please. Move in with him.”

Lucien was emotionally drained by this point. He had confessed everything to his mum and she was telling him to move in with his grandpa. He didn't want to curse his grandpa too. “I can’t… I have to stay here and make sure auntie is getting the best possible care…” His eyelids were too heavy to keep open. He let them slip shut. “I’m sorry mum…”

***

Sebastian stood over Lucien in complete shock. He hadn’t expected Lucien to confide in him again and just spill out some of the most horrible things. Then to top it all off he seemed to be slightly delirious because of the medicine he was on and called him mum. Didn’t Lucien say she was dead? Like, no longer alive?

He walked out of the room and sat on the couch. He needed time to think about what had just happened. Lucien was so wrapped up in his own guilt that he endured abuse under the guise of some kind of divine punishment. 

How could he? He was just a kid. He wasn’t bad luck. Everything that happened was just bad luck. He was a good person. Just damaged. He wasn’t broken. He just needed help. Something that people hadn’t given him in a long time. Why was he overlooked for so long? Surely someone else must have seen he was suffering. 

Those thoughts aside, what was he meant to do with this information? Was there some website that wasn’t some BS troll sight about how to help victims of sexual abuse? He didn’t know. First things first he should probably look after Lucien and make sure he’s okay. 

He called his mum. “Hey mum?”

“Hi Sebby. Is everything going well? Is something wrong?” Hearing Robin’s voice made him feel slightly guilty for some reason. He wasn’t sure why. “Do you need help?”

“No I… Lucien’s in pretty bad shape.” Said Sebastian. “I don’t think he should be alone for a few days. Do you think I could stay over his place until he doesn’t have to take his cold meds anymore?”

“Hmm, I don’t know…”

Sebastian sighed a little. “I know it’s a big ask but he’s just sleeping all day and he had nothing to eat. It might not be a good idea to let him try and cook anything when all his body will let him do is sleep. I’m really worried about him… I can ask Sam to bring me a change of clothes if you’re worried about that.”

“This is why he should be living with Isaac…” She muttered. “Okay Sebby. I’ll give you two days but after that you have to go back to school.” 

“Okay mum.”

“Promise me Sebby.”

“I promise mum.”

“Good. Give me a moment please.” He heard Robin move the phone away from her face and talk to someone else who responded. It wasn’t Demetrius. The voice was too high. Before he could question it further she was back on the phone. “Jodi will make sure Sam brings you some clothes tomorrow.”

“... Is Jodi there with you?”

“Well yeah. We’re having a ladies night at Caroline’s place. Oh, Caroline says hi by the way and we are all wishing Lucien a speedy recovery. What was that Jodi? … She says chicken and leek soup always makes her boys feel better, and Caroline says honey lemon tea is good for a sore throat.”

“Okay. I’ll do my best.”

“You do know how to cook, don’t you Sebby?”

“Everyone took home economics mum.” Muttered Sebastian. “I know how to use a stove top if I have to.” 

“Okay, good. Just be a good house guest and look after him. If it all gets too much I’d be happy to pop over myself and-”

“No!” He said just that little bit too loudly and quickly. “I um… I mean, Demetrius is going to be mad enough I’m staying at a sick person’s place for a few days. He wouldn’t be too happy if you came here and got sick.”

Robin chuckled a little at Sebastian’s reaction. “Oh I see how it is Sebby. Well if you think I’m going to cramp your style-”

“Mum…”

“-I know what it was like to be young and have all these unexpected changes and emotions-”

“Mum.”

“-So I’ll leave you two alone but if this is that kind of situation it’s best to pop that kind of question when both parties aren’t sick and-”

“Oh Yoba mum! I’m not interested in… I’m not gay!” As far as Sebastian knew he was still on the fence about if he fell into the straight, gay, or bi camps. Also, he didn’t need this from his mum right now.

“It’s okay love.” Reassured Robin. “No matter who you love we will support you all the way. I’m just saying, Lucien is a very nice boy and he seems to have taken a shine to you. I’m not going to be like one of those crazy mums that tries to manipulate their children into dating people but if you were to date a boy, Lucien is the kind of boy that most parents would approve of… Him or Sam.” 

As soon as she said Sam a slightly distressed voice sounded off in the background. More than likely Jodi. While Sam was chill about LGBT issues, Jodi was still pretty conservative in her views. Possibly because of her strong religious ties. Sam had said she wasn’t an outright bigot but she was extremely passive aggressive with her comments. Yoba knows what she would do if Sam or Vincent came out as anything but straight to her.

He could hear Robin laughing and apologizing. “Sorry Sebby. I have to go now. I think I upset Jodi. Take care of Lucien and make sure he gets better soon. I love you.”

“Love you too mum. Bye.” He hung up and sighed. Sebastian knew he was in way over his head. He had to talk about this to someone at some point. Could he talk to his mum? Demetrius? Probably not good options. They might freak out. Maybe he could speak with Mr Berg? He was Lucien’s grandfather after all, but what if he didn’t know anything about it? He knew damn well he probably shouldn’t talk to Abby or Sam about what was happening. Lucien wouldn’t even have told him if he hadn’t been high of cold meds.

He stared down at his hands and sighed. He just didn’t know what to do. What was he going to say to Lucien when he wasn’t all loopy? Should he just tell him he knows everything and will be there for him? Could he get Lucien some help? He didn’t know.

Looking up at the time he noticed it was close to dinner time. He had bought Lucien some microwave meals and it was probably more important that he ate that than him. Sebastian walked into the kitchen and made himself a sandwich, He’d heat up something for Lucien when he woke up.


	24. Trauma talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly Sebastian trying to figure out how to go about all this information Lucien just dumped on him in his own teenage way, which let's face it, it isn't so good but he is trying. Also, the movie I mentioned is actually a conglomeration of like three movies that I saw, so I didn't name it because well, it's a mix of three movies. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien felt like he had been hit by a truck when he managed to wake up. He’d had a weird dream about his mum coming to him and comforting him. It was a nice dream. He missed her so much. His stomach growled and he shuffled to the kitchen. He should eat something today.

Much to his shock Sebastian was in his living room sitting on the couch. “... Hi?”

Sebastian looked at him and nodded. “Hi. You hungry?”

“Um yeah, but-”

“Sit down I’ll get you something.”

“But… Isn’t it kind of late? Shouldn’t you be going home?” He could see out the window that it was already night time. He didn’t want Sebastian to miss the last bus back to Pelican Town.

“It’s fine. I told my mum you were sick and she said I could stay over. So I am.” He walked into the kitchen and put a tray of something into the microwave. “I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

“There is another bed in here you know.”

“Is there?”

“Yeah. A double bed. I haven’t used it. I prefer sleeping in a single bed.”

“... Okay.”

“... I’ll go and make sure it’s ready for use.” He walked to the spare bedroom and walked inside. The room was slightly dusty but it wasn’t too bad. Sebastian would be okay with staying in here for a while. It would be fine. He got a duster and some bed sheets from the closet and quickly went about cleaning the room.

Sebastian watched him from the doorway. “Um, you don’t have to do that. I’m okay with sleeping on the couch.”

“Why? I have an unused bed here. It wouldn’t be right to make you sleep on the couch.” He sneezed and rubbed his nose with his sleeve. It would be okay. Everything was fine. Lucien would just set this up and lie down. He bent over the bed to try and put the sheets on the mattress when everything just felt unexpectedly heavy. He fell forward onto the mattress and sighed heavily.

“Shit, are you okay?” Asked Sebastian. He rolled Lucien onto his back and gave him a concerned look. “Seriously, just let me do this okay? You’re useless when you’re sick.”

Lucien stared up at him in surprise. “Useless?” Of course he was useless. He knew that. He knew every part of him was completely pathetic and broken. He was just trying not to wallow away in the things he knew that he just couldn’t change. 

But thinking past that they were in a rather compromising position. Sebastian was standing over him, one hand holding down his arm. Not like he was physically capable of fighting anyway in his current condition. If Sebastian wanted to he could take full advantage of him. Hell if anyone pinned him down like this he would just give up immediately anyway and let them have full control over his body.

“Yes useless.” Confirmed Sebastian. “Seriously, you shouldn’t be moving around so much right now. I can do this. You just go and eat something okay?”

Lucien continued to look up at him and studied his face. Sebastian was pretty handsome. He also looked a lot nicer than the guy from the red light district. He’d probably treat him nicely and wouldn’t make him feel like dying after. That would be amazing. That’s what it was meant to feel like, right?

He felt a small spark of confidence brew inside him and he reached up, gently running his hand through his hair. He seemed to catch Sebastian off guard when he did that. “Your eyes are really pretty.”

A blush quickly spread across Sebastian’s face and he let Lucien go. He seemed flustered. “Look, just go and eat the microwave dinner already.”

Lucien shrugged but did as he was told. He took the dinner out of the microwave. It was some roast chicken and vegetable thing with gravy. It looked edible enough. He ate it while standing up since he didn’t feel like sitting down. It tasted okay. Probably would have tasted better if his nose wasn’t all stuffed up. Then again it might have tasted worse if he could taste it properly.

Soon Sebastian walked out and gave Lucien a strange look. Probably wondering why he was standing up. “So… Is it any good?”

Lucien shrugged. “I guess. These things are okay.”

“Yeah… You know, I was surprised you didn’t have frozen pizza in your fridge. Most teens would probably have it full of pizza and like, nuggets or something.”

“Probably. I prefer pizza pockets over pizza.”

“Huh, no kidding.”

Lucien ate some more of his dinner. The gravy was either too runny or got over cooked at the edges and became all gross and kind of like glue. A pea was caught in the glue-like part and he half-heartedly flicked it out. He watched it roll into the runny gravy before being stopped by the paste-like mashed potatoes. 

“So are you?” Asked Sebastian.

“Huh?”

“Are you going to have a shower or what?” Asked Sebastian. “I was saying if you have a hot shower it’ll clear your head and it’ll make you feel better.”

“Oh… Yeah that’s probably a good idea.” He finished eating about half the food that was in the tray and wandered to the bathroom. He took a few moments to go back into his room and find a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. Lucien dropped them off in the spare room so Sebastian didn’t have to wear the same clothes to bed.

When he got into the shower he felt slightly better when he felt the hot water running over him. It was relaxing. He hadn’t realised how much his muscles were aching before. The water was starting to make his head feel a little lighter too. Which was good. After this he’d probably go to bed.

***

Sebastian was feeling confused. He didn’t really understand what was going on in Lucien’s head. He still had to be a little loopy because of the meds he was on. But what or who did Lucien see him as when he said he had pretty eyes? It had to be someone else, right? Was he working himself up about nothing? Probably.

He glanced down at his phone and frowned a little. He was hesitant, but he wanted to talk to someone about all this. He called Abby.

“Ahoy there emo kid.” Greeted Abby. “You just made me die again in Junimo carts so this better be pretty important you fuck.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. Abby was never happy when she lost at that stupidly hard game. “Remember that movie we watched like last year that we weren’t supposed to because all our parents are trying to protect our innocent minds?”

“Was this before or after the group masturbation session and ritualistic sacrifice to the great offspring of Cthulhu and Mothman?”

“After, obviously. All hail Goatsy.” 

“May you ample breasts flow with the milk of the gods.”

“And may thighs grow strong enough to crush the enemies heads between them.”

Abby snorted. “Anyway, what movie were we watching?”

“The thriller about the lawyer and the prostitutes. They were like, witches or something and there was a lawyer guy played by that guy who did those TV shows?”

“Oh yeah. That was kind of weird. What about it?”

Sebastian glanced up towards the bathroom. He knew Lucien had only just walked in there earlier, but he still wanted to make sure he didn’t hear. “Remember how Sam and I didn’t get why that side character, blond chick with the big tits, stayed in the room while it burned down?”

“Yeah?”

“Well why did she do that again? You said it was bitter sweet and Sam and I didn’t get it.”

Abby let out a long sigh. “Oh boy, you got an hour? I can write a whole textbook on her.” There was some noise that sounded like she was getting comfortable. “Okay. So there were several hints that she was raped when she was younger. Still up for speculation if it was her dad or like, the actual father from a church or some shit. She was spouting all that religious crap.”

“Yeah… still don’t understand why she was a prostitute though, and like died.”

“My son. My child. What the heck boy? She was religious but she completely lost all body autonomy when she was abused and she needed to gain some kind of control over her body again. She was trying to redo the trauma but do it in a way where she had all control. Sure it wasn’t healthy, but she was trying her best.”

“And she died because?”

“She died in a fire because she and that crazy old woman kept alluding to how fire is connected to purification. You’re like, meant to be happy that she’s finally free of her trauma and purified her body after it was defiled, but sad because she was the only innocent one in the film and didn't deserve to die. Everyone else had done something that was terrible, but the worst thing she did was fuck for money. Pretty stupid, huh?”

“Huh… I guess. So she was redoing her trauma because she was trying to undo it?”

“Something like that I guess. I’m no mental health expert. I don’t really know why she was doing it, but that’s what I got from it. People deal with trauma differently. I’m just kind of glad she didn’t off herself immediately after it happened the first time.”

“Huh, yeah I guess…” Sebastian glanced over to the bathroom door again. “So like, would someone who is like that like… you know… fuck this is hard to talk about.”

“Because you don’t know how to word it or because you don’t want to say something sexist that’ll cause me to beat your dumb emo ass when I next see you?”

“... Okay, now it’s both.”

“Good.”

Sebastian sighed. “Fuck it… Would someone that experienced trauma like deliberately seek out the same trauma to cope?”

“Well according to the movie. Yes.” She paused for a moment. “We are still talking about the movie right?”

“... Yeah.”

“Hey, my mum is calling me for something. You need anything else for this impromptu movie essay?”

“Nah, I’m okay. Thanks for your help.”

“No problem.”

She hung up and Sebastian was left to think again. He wondered if maybe, just maybe When Lucien said he had pretty eyes that maybe he actually meant it. Considering all the horrible things Lucien confessed to him Sebastian was pretty damn near sure of it at this point. What was he meant to do now?

The bathroom door opened and Lucien walked back out. His hair was a little damp and he seemed surprised to see that Sebastian was still there. “Um… I was going to go to bed now.”

“Okay.”

“I left some clothes for you to change into on your bed. Hopefully they aren’t too tight or anything.”

“I’m sure it will be fine. Night Lucien.”

“Night Sebastian. Turn the lights off when you go to bed.”

“I will.” Once Lucien had closed the door to his room Sebastian let out an extremely long exhale and slid off the couch. He was in far too deep and way over his head. “Shit.”


	25. Sanitarium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The spiral downward will end soon I promise... It will at least level out eventually. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

The next morning Lucien woke up later than usual. Which for him meant he woke up at eight in the morning. He went to the kitchen and made himself some tea. His head still hurt and felt all stuffed up. His throat hurt too. His only solace was that he didn’t vomit up any insects in his dreams again.

He sat down on his couch and drank his tea. It wasn’t the best, but it was okay. Today just seemed like it was going to be a day that wasn’t going to be the best and wasn’t going to be the worst either.

His phone started ringing and Lucien picked it up. “Hello?”

“Hello Lucien. It’s Dr Eurwyn. How are you today?”

“I’m okay.” He lied. “Is there something I can do for you?”

“Yes, I was wondering if it would be possible for you to come over to my office at the hospital sometime this week, preferably after school. I would like to start slowly reintroducing you to your aunt.”

Scratch that, today wasn’t going to be an okay day. It was going to suck. “Actually, I can come over right now. I managed to get the day off school to see a doctor about some weird skin thing. I could only get a time during the middle of the day.”

“Huh, okay.” The Dr seemed a little sceptical but he didn’t press further. “Then please come by the sanitarium. If you have trouble getting inside because it isn’t visiting hours just get the security guard at the gate to call me and I will come and get you personally.”

“Okay. I’ll see you soon.” He finished his tea, brushed his teeth, and got dressed. As he headed for the door heard something moving behind him and almost had a heart attack when he saw Sebastian. He had forgotten the other was in his apartment. “Holy shit! Don’t sneak up on people like that!”

Sebastian shrugged and gave him a confused look. “Huh, so like, I’m happy you’re walking around and shit but like, where are you going?”

“... I’m going to see my aunt.”

“I see… wait here for a second.” Sebastian disappeared for a moment and came back out all dressed. “Come on. Let’s go see your aunt.”

“... Excuse me?” He didn’t expect that.

Sebastian shrugged. “Look, you’re still sick. I’ll let you have your time with your aunt, but let me go with you. You’ll probably fall over somewhere and break you leg.”

“I guess…” Lucien really didn’t want to bring Sebastian with him, but he couldn’t think of a good excuse as to why he couldn’t. The two of them walked down to the bus stop and as they waited Sebastian bought a an energy drink and a juice from a vending machine. He gave the juice to Lucien before sipping his own drink and cringing.

“Gross. Fucking hate cold drinks in the morning…”

“Then why did you buy it?” Asked Lucien.

Sebastian sighed. “Well you don’t like the smell of coffee and I don’t want to make you feel even worse when you’re already sick.” 

Lucien was touched that Sebastian remembered that. The bus pulled up and the two got on. The ride was quiet and uneventful. When the bus finally stopped the two got off and Lucien walked around the corner to the entrance to Saint Christina’s sanitarium. He was nervous as to what Sebastian would think knowing there was a crazy person in his family.

He nervously chewed at his lips. “So um… My aunt is pretty much here for life. I swear she’s actually harmless I’m just not allowed to take care of her because I’m not eighteen…”

“Right…” Sebastian didn’t seem so convinced. “So how do we get in?”

Lucien walked over to the security booth and talked to the security guard. “Hey, Dr Eurwyn said I need to come in and see him.”

The security guard lowered their newspaper and gave Lucien a blank look. “Name?”

“Lucien.”

“One moment kid.” He picked up a phone and quickly punched in some numbers onto the keypad. “... Dr Eurwyn. There’s a kid here that… Yeah that’s his name… Yeah, okay. See you soon doc.” He hung up and turned his attention back to Lucien. “He’ll be down in a minute. Just wait here.”

Lucien nodded and moved away from the booth and back over to Sebastian. “So um… you can just stay out here if you like. I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, no way. I’m going with you.”

“But you don’t have to. There is a cafe just a block away you can go to while I’m here.”

“I’m not doing that.”

Lucien was just perplexed at this point. He had no idea why Sebastian was acting like this. Sure Lucien could have been more persistent and made him leave, but he was tired. He chalked that up to still being sick. “Fine. Do whatever you like. I don’t care.”

***

Sebastian kept a very close eye on Lucien. He didn’t think this was a good idea, but couldn’t really voice his opinion about why Lucien should never see his aunt again without admitting that Lucien had told him everything. If he did that who knows what Lucien would do?

Soon an older looking man in a doctor’s coat came out to greet them. He was clean shaven and his hair had a salt and pepper thing going on. He smiled at Lucien and welcomed him in as the gate opened up. Sebastian quickly slipped in along with them.

“It’s so good to see you again Lucien.” Said the doctor. “How are you feeling today? You seem a little flushed and- oh did you bring a friend today? It’s good to have some moral support for these kinds of activities.”

Lucien frowned and directed his attention to the ground. “Dr, this is my friend. Sebastian. Sebastian, this is Dr Eurwyn. He’s treating my aunt.”

Sebastian nodded a little and waved at the doctor. “Hi.”

The doctor smiled and gestured for the teens to follow him. “I’m really pleased that you decided to help Kyla.”

“You know me doc.” Said Lucien calmly. “I’d do anything for my aunt.”

The doctor nodded as he seemed to be making mental notes. “Yes, well she has been doing really well recently. She quite likes the art classes we have and has a fondness for pottery. Though she has had some trouble talking in group and she got into a verbal altercation with someone during dinner the other night, but apart from that it’s been going well.”

Lucien laughed, but there was no amusement behind it. “Let me guess, she still doesn’t like talking to strangers and she verbally cut into someone for seemingly no reason?”

“Well I can speak for the former but not the latter.” He took his phone out and quickly scrolled through it. “Let’s see… Kyla should be enjoying some recreational time outside at the moment. Let’s go and see how she is doing.”

Lucien nervously ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay…”

The trio walked around to the side of the building where a few female inmates were walking around the gardens. Some were talking to the orderlies, some were enjoying the sun, some were off in their own little world. They seemed harmless enough. He knew it was terrible for him to conjure up gruesome thoughts of asylum like scenarios from comic books. But he still did, and he felt bad about it.

He glanced over at Lucien and could see his eyes were fixated on one patient in particular. A petite woman with very pale skin. Her thick brown hair was tied back in a braid that reached halfway down her back. She seemed to be off in her own little world hopping forward a few steps down a path and then kicking some rocks. She seemed content with herself. 

Lucien instinctively shuffled away from her. “She seems to be doing well...”

“Generally she has a good disposition.” Said the doctor. “Let’s go and say hello to her. Shall we?”

“... Okay.”

Sebastian didn’t like this idea. But went along with this. This woman, Kyla, had done horrible things to Lucien. He wasn’t going to let her hurt him again. He made sure to stay as close as he could be to Lucien without holding his hand.

As they approached her, she looked up with bright amber eyes. “Dr Eurwyn.” She chirped. “To what do I owe this visit. Are we going to talk or are you going to order one of the goons here to double my medication again. You know I don’t like it when I take so many pills.”

Dr Eurwyn took her accusation with a calm smile. “I explained to you many times that we had to change your medication. So instead of two red, one yellow, and three blue. You now get three white, two green and three blue.”

“Well I don’t like it. It’s more pills.” She sighed and continued to walk, completely ignoring Lucien and Sebastian’s presence. “Pills, pills, pills. It’s all pills with you people. Big pharma trying to squeeze every last penny from us. Then you force triple the medication on perfectly healthy people and and say they are crazy so they need them just to fill your quotas. I know your game.”

The doctor didn’t look very pleased to hear her saying that. It seems like this wasn’t the first time she had gone on about it. “Kyla, I brought your nephew here to see you.”

She spun around looking mildly confused. “My nephew?” She looked over at the two teens and squinted her eyes at them, trying her best to remember either one of them. “My nephew… Nephew… Oh! Lucien!”

She went to hug him and Sebastian went to cut her off, but the doctor was faster. He stood in front of her and held up his hand. “I’m sorry Kyla. You know the rules. No physical contact with visitors.”

“Well yeah, but he’s my nephew and I haven’t seen him in a very long time. It’s not like I can hurt him of anything. Plus this has no pockets. He can’t give me anything either.”

“Still, rules are rules.”

She sighed and looked over at Lucien holding out her hand. “Let’s go for a walk Lucien.”

Lucien was extremely reluctant to do so, but the doctor seemed to be giving him an encouraging look. Sebastian didn’t like this and felt like it was all bad news. Still, Lucien nodded and walked along the path with his aunt.

Sebastian wanted to stay close to them but the doctor gently held him back. “Now, now. We need to let them have some privacy. They are entitled to that. Kyla responds much better to treatment where she doesn’t feel pressured or forced into any situation.”

“I don’t care about her. I want to make sure Lucien’s okay.”

The doctor nodded. “I understand… Did Lucien happen to tell you what happened between them?”

“More or less… He was kind of loopy from some cold medication and doesn’t seem to remember saying anything, but I know. So you can see why I don’t want him to be around her.”

“That is a reasonable thing to want.” Dr Eurwyn gestured for Sebastian to follow him. “Come, we’re far enough away so they can have their privacy but intervene if something happens.”

“Do you think something will happen?” Sebastian was watching that woman like a hawk.

“Honestly? I don’t expect much to happen beyond Kyla remembering Lucien is her nephew and perhaps remembering the early years where she looked after him. I hope that with more meetings she will remember what she did with clarity and not thru the filter of her delusion.”

Sebastian was starting to feel extremely uneasy. “So she really doesn’t remember anything? How can she not remember?”

The doctor shrugged. “The mind is very good at destroying what is traumatic and changing it in ways that make us do things that would otherwise be seen as horrific. That’s how we survive. That’s how we adapt. I hope that one day we’ll be able to sort out these afflictions with only say an hour in therapy. That’s my hope as a psychologist.”

“Hmm…” Sebastian still didn’t care. He was still disgusted by what that woman did. He didn’t care if she had a mental illness or not. A murderer was still a murderer no matter what was going on in their head. A rapist was still a rapist and she wasn’t innocent in all this just because she was a schizophrenic woman.

***

Lucien was scared. No. Scared didn’t even begin to describe what he felt. Walking alongside his aunt was a gut wrenching experience, but he knew she wasn’t going to hurt him. She wouldn’t do something with so many people around. At least he hoped.

His aunt stretched her arms out and made a pleased sound. “Nice and sunny today. The other day it was raining and it was awful. There’s a woman that thinks rain corrodes your skin.” She laughed. “Can you imagine that? She only drinks bottled water because apparently non bottled water is acidic. Silly girl.”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah. Pretty silly.”

“Yeah. So how are you? Are you still going to school or have you graduated yet?”

“I’m still in high school auntie.”

She nodded. “I see. So who is that young man you are with?”

“He’s a friend from school. Sebastian.”

“Sebastian…” She frowned a little. “Too many syllables.”

Lucien frowned a little but didn’t say anything about it. “He’s nice to me… He’s helping me get better. I’ve been a little sick recently.”

“Oh, well that’s good.” She hummed and looked up at a bird that flew by. “So, is Sebastian that kind of friend to you?”

“Huh?”

“A sex friend.” She said way too casually. “I know that kids these days are off having sex with whoever they feel like regardless of gender these days. Though it’s probably not that good to have that kind of love life. But each to their own I guess.”

“... Sebastian’s not that kind of friend auntie.” Lucien was starting to feel sick. Well, sicker than he was. “He’s just a friend. I don’t want to have sex with him.”

“Oh? But he’s so handsome. I bet you wouldn’t mind if you had sex with him. He’s very cute.”

“Auntie, please stop talking about this. Sebastian isn’t interested in me that way. I’m not interested in him that way.”

His aunt shrugged and continued to walk, humming a happy tune. “Whatever you say dear. I saw the way he looks at you. It was so adorable. It was like an angry mama bear. Ah, the powerful feelings of young love. Just be careful when you two finally do it. I wouldn’t want your first time to be painful Lucien.”

“... Yeah.” Bile was starting to bubble up the back of his throat. Of course this would happen. Of course. Just because she was talking normally and recognised him as Lucien and no one else it didn’t mean that she was going to be able to properly understand and remember what she actually did. In her mind he, Lucien, was still a virgin. If she realised what she did it would probably crush her. He hoped she didn’t remember. “How are you going? Are they treating you well here?”

She shrugged. “As well as they can I guess. It does get very boring sometimes.”

“Dr Eurwyn said you’re not very talkative in group therapy.”

She scoffed and crossed her arms. “Lucien I have group with an attention seeker that says outrageous lies, a clepto that likes collecting baby teeth, and a handful of depressed women too. It’s all the same things; stop lying, you don’t need those teeth, and be happy. With riveting conversation like that why would I bother contributing anything?”

She had a point. “Huh, okay… Didn’t you also fight with someone?”

Hearing that his aunt just laughed. “Oh that doctor, he’s just saying anything these days isn’t he? I was simply telling this stupid woman the truth. Trust me she had it coming.”

“What did she do?”

“She’s a baby killer. Said Yoba himself told her to smother her young ones. Can you believe that? What a nutcase. She also goes on and on about religious bullshit and for some reason I was someone she wanted to convert last week. I simply had enough and pretty much told her how Yoba speaks through people’s actions and not directly as is written in the book of Yoba and if she heard Yoba speaking to her then logically she must have been hearing a demon… And now that she has killed an innocent for demons it’s very unlikely that Yoba will ever forgive her disgusting and tainted soul… I think she’s on suicide watch now.”

Lucien’s jaw dropped. “Seriously? You said that to her?”

“Well am I wrong? Besides what’s the problem with making truly evil people kill themselves anyway? That crazy religious lady probably won’t do it anyway. Suicide is a huge sin… Then again if she takes what I said to heart she might try anyway… Oh well. Not my problem.”

“... You can be really heartless sometimes.”

His aunt ignored him and walked over to the flower garden. “Aren’t the flowers pretty Lucien? Your uncle always gave me flowers like these and I…” She suddenly got very sad. “He will come and visit me soon, right?”

“Of course he will.” Reassured Lucien. “He just… You know he had to go back home for a while. His father’s very, very sick. Stage four terminal cancer. When he comes to see you he’ll be coming to get you out. Okay? He still loves you very much and will be back as soon as he can.” He didn’t like lying to her, but this was just easier for her to accept she needed to be here while he was away rather than facing the reality that he was gone forever.

She sighed and started to walk back to the building. “I’m tired. I want to go back to my room.”

“O-okay auntie… I’ll see you soon.” While Lucien was still scared of her, he couldn’t help but feel sad for her. She was a good person. Just not very fortunate in life.


	26. Contradictory thoughts & actions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey people. We still want to protect Lucien and stuff? Well good. Good... Well I feel like I'm going to get lynched soon or something. Anyway, how would you protect Lucien if you were Sebastian? I am intrigued by your possible answers. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

They soon left the sanitarium and went back to Lucien’s place. Lucien immediately went straight to his room and locked himself in there. Sebastian was obviously worried about this and knocked several time on his door. But he wasn’t getting a response. 

“Hey Lucien? Open up. Just let me in already. Why did you lock the door?”

After a few moments Lucien opened the door and he was wearing his pyjamas again. “What?”

“Oh… Um… Nothing. What do you want for lunch?”

Lucien shrugged and walked into the lounge room, sitting on the couch. “I don’t want anything. I’m not hungry when I feel sick.”

“Have you even eaten anything today?” 

“I had tea and juice.”

“And when did you have something solid today?” 

“... Last night.”

Sebastian sighed dramatically and went into the kitchen. Looking out for Lucien was like looking after a baby. He should have eaten something today even if it was just a slice of bread. Was this just because he was sick or did he actually act like this all the time when he was here all alone? That was a worrying thought. 

He made them both sandwiches and handed one to Lucien. “Here.”

“Thanks.” Lucien ate in silence and had a vacant look on his face.

“... What did you talk to your aunt about?”

“I just asked her how her day was going and she asked me about school.” He smiled a little. “She said your name has too many syllables. But I think she thinks you’re cute or something.” 

“... Okay.” He didn’t like the fact that woman liked him. “You didn’t seem very well after talking to her.”

“I’m just a little emotionally drained and still sick. That’s all… I’m just glad that my aunt is okay. It makes me feel a little better to know she’s fine. I haven’t seen her since she needed to go.”

“Why didn’t you see her earlier?”

“... The doctor said she needed to settle into her new routine and I agreed. She isn’t good with dealing with big environmental changes and she needed to get used to her new surroundings.” He smiled a little. “I guess the same thing will happen when she gets out in a few months.”

Sebastian almost choked on his food. “I’m sorry, what?”

“In a few months I’ll be eighteen and I can become her legal guardian.” Said Lucien like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “When she gets out she’ll have to get used to living here with me again. I don’t mind. I’ll be able to take care of her full time and we can be happy again.”

“... Lucien, they won’t release your aunt if the doctor says she isn’t allowed to.” Why would he want such a vial person back in his life? Was it guilt? Stockholms syndrome? Why? It didn’t make any sense. It had to be some kind of delusional rambling in Lucien’s part.

“She’s perfectly fine if she keeps taking her medication… She’s family after all. I have to take care of her. I can’t abandon her. I won’t abandon her.” He finished eating and sighed. “You probably wouldn’t understand how I feel. You have parents. You even have a sister. Sure it’s a step dad and a half sister you don’t really get along with but it’s more than I’ve ever had. My aunt is very important to me. She’s the only family I have left.”

Yoba, Lucien was frustrating sometimes. “You keep forgetting about your grandpa. You know that right? He likes you and he keeps coming over to talk to my mum about getting house extensions and talking about what stuff teenage boys would like in their rooms. He wants you there.”

“He says that now but I’ll just end up ruining what he has left of his life.” Muttered Lucien. “He already pushed me off to your mum the last time I was in Pelican town when he was done with me.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Maybe he was trying to do something for you that he didn’t want you to see?”

“Doubtful. I’m not the kind of person that people generally like. Maybe at a glance I’m fine to look at, but on the inside…” He sighed a little as a look of depressed nihilism washed over him. “My insides feel like they are rotting away and getting eaten by maggots. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day I woke up with thousands of those things crawling out my throat or bursting from my stomach.”

“Gross…”

Lucien shrugged. “Like all things if it happens it happens. Even if I died my body would be used as food for thousands of insects so I’m not too mad about that… And ceasing to exist isn’t really such a bad thing is it? You just stop and everything else keeps going like you never existed in the first place.”

It was sad to see Lucien like this. Sebastian prefered those days at school when they were up on the school roof at lunch time with Abby and Sam. They’s be laughing, cracking jokes, smiling, being happy, and just being teenagers. How could things just turn out so wrong for one person? He just didn’t understand. He was starting to develop a strong need to protect Lucien. He needed lots of people to look after him. He needed much more than just his grandpa.

Sebastian sighed. “Maybe you should lie down for a bit Lucien? You’re still sick and you don’t have much of an appetite do you?”

For a moment Lucien just stared at him. He stared and stared with hollow eyes. “Alright.” He got up and went to bed.

This just meant Sebastian was left with more time to think on his own. That wasn’t a very good idea. His mind was consumed with all kinds of horrible thoughts. Most of them concerning what would happen if she did move back with Lucien. More horrific things have happened. 

There might be a chance that if she did come back everything would be okay. She would take her meds and Lucien would be her full time carer and that would be it. However if for some reason she stopped taking her meds she could go back to her old delusion and start abusing Lucien. If she did that Lucien wouldn’t stop her. He was too wrapped up in his own guilt and seemed to believe it was the universe’s twisted way of punishing him to fight back or seek help.

He needed to tell someone about this. But who? Technically the police already knew and so did medical professionals but he needed to tell someone. He needed someone to help. He needed advice or something. Anything. Why did it have to happen like this? What was he going to do? What could he do? He was just a kid. He wished he’d brought some weed with him. He needed to smoke something to relax a little.

Time seemed to pass quickly and before Sebastian knew it Sam was knocking at the door with a change of clothes for him. The bright blond looks kind of surprised when he saw his friend. “Dude, you look like shit. Don’t tell me you caught whatever Lucien has.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and grabbed the clothes. “Shut up Sam… Look, things aren’t going very well for Lucien right now.” He wasn’t sure if he should tell Sam about what he’d learnt. Sam was good and all, but he wasn’t overly good at keeping huge secrets a secret. This seemed like one of those things. “Family stuff and all that along with being sick.”

Sam frowned a little. “Shit. That sucks… I bought you guys doughnuts?” He held up a plastic bag with a logo for some chain doughnut shop on it. “Can I come in for a second?”

“... Yeah sure.” Sebastian let Sam in and the pair sat on the couch and put the doughnuts on the coffee table. 

They ate some of the pastries while talking about stuff that happened at school and in the city. There wasn’t too much to say and soon Lucien walked out. He was surprised to see Sam on his couch.

“Hi.”

Sam waved. “Hey. I brought doughnuts. You want one?”

“... Okay.” Lucien picked a doughnut and started to walk back to his room.

“Aren’t you going to stay here?” Asked Sebastian.

Lucien shrugged. “I’m still tired. Besides, Sam came over to see you.”

Before Sebastian could say anything else Lucien closed the door and locked himself in his room. Sebastian sighed and sank into his seat. He needed help with Lucien. Sam frowned a little and poked Sebastian. “What’s up man?”

Sebastian shrugged and shook his head. “He just… He needs someone or something… He’s really lonely. This isn’t the kind of place a teen should live in alone… But he doesn’t want to move in with Mr Berg. I don’t get it… His life here is really fucking depressing.”

“... We could throw a party or something when he comes back? Okay, it would just be us eating more junk food at lunch than usual, but it might make him feel a little better?” Suggested Sam. “When’s his birthday?”

That was something Sebastian didn’t know. He’d have to figure that one out. “I’ll ask him later. But I like that idea. “Yeah, we could do something like that I guess. I’ll find out when his birthday is too. It’ll be nice. It’s probably been a while since Lucien’s spent his birthday with anyone.”

“Yeah. Hopefully it hasn’t already passed.”

“Hopefully.”

Suddenly Sam’s phone started buzzing and he let out an annoyed groan. “That would be my mum… Look, I’ll see you soon. We’ll text later okay?”

Sebastian nodded. “Okay. You get back safe Sam. Your mum will skin me alive if you don’t.” 

Sam laughed at his friend’s words and left.

***

Alone in his room Lucien was laying on his side in his bed. He stared blankly out the window and watched a pigeon strut along the thin window ledge. He was done with today. Everything was over. It was all too much. He was happy that his aunt was getting better but she still spoke her mind and spouted such perverse things from her mouth.

She talked like having sex with your friends was just a normal thing. Maybe it was in her mind? He didn’t know much about her younger life. She could have been a whore for all he knew in her younger years. He couldn’t hold that against her.

He was also depressed that he lied to her again. Maybe someday he could change things around a little. Maybe if there was a plane crash in the ocean where there were no survivors he could blame that as to why his uncle would never be coming back? It would crush her but it would be better than the truth. As long as she was happy things would be okay.

Eventually she would move back in with him and Lucien could look after her. He’d make sure she was well looked after and if she ever raised her hand to strike him he would allow it. He ruined her life after all. He deserved it. His aunt deserved the best of everything and he destroyed it. Even if she didn’t deserve to have everything she deserved way more than what his existence gifted her.

He felt the presence of a woman press themselves against his back and gently lace her fingers with his. “It’s okay. Everything is okay.”

Lucien knew it wasn’t.

“Just breathe slowly for me Lucien.”

Lucien felt like crying.

“You’re unhappy aren’t you? I made you sad?”

She did, but Lucien refused to say anything.

“Talk to me Lucien.”

He wouldn’t.

“... Lucien. I said talk to me.” She said in a much sterner voice.

Lucien still didn’t want to talk to her.

The shift in her tone and body language was instantaneous. Her grip on his wrist tightened to the point it became painful and she started to press down on him hard enough to suffocate him slightly. “You little bastard. I am trying to help you. How dare you act like this. How dare you ignore me? Why are you ignoring me?”

When that didn’t get a response Lucien felt her rake her nails across his scalp. 

“It’s him, isn’t it?” She hissed. “That piece of meat that just waltzed into your life and is living with you now. Living in my room. Mine. You specifically asked for this place because you wanted a room for me you bastard and now he’s here. He’s in my room and you know what he’s doing in there don’t you? He’s waiting for you. He’s waiting for you to go in there and be a good little bitch. Spread your legs and let him fuck you.”

Lucien screwed his eyes shut and started breathing heavily. That wasn’t true. Sebastian wasn’t that kind of person and he didn’t want that from Sebastian. Even if he did he doubted he could ever act on it. Hell he couldn’t even get Alex to touch him. No one wanted him now. No one ever would.

“You’ll let anyone fuck you, won’t you?” Growled his aunt. “You’ll have sex with anyone. Bet if someone asked you to have sex with a dog you would if it meant they would love you. You’re pathetic Lucien. A pathetic little nothing that will die alone without anyone giving a damn. You won’t be missed. You won’t be loved. You’ll get put in a flimsy wooden box with a cheap government funded headstone.”

Lucien sniffled a little. He could feel tears rolling down his face now. “I’m sorry auntie.” He whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I don’t like Sebastian that way. I would never even attempt to give love away so cheaply. Love like that is shallow and hollow without emotions behind it. I’ll make sure Sebastian leaves tomorrow. I’m sorry auntie. I love you.”

There was a moment of quiet before she calmed down and released her grip on him. “See? Was that so hard Lucien? Now get some sleep. You’re still sick. Be a good boy for me and make that boy leave. He shouldn’t be here.”

“Yes auntie…” He didn’t know how he could make Sebastian leave. He knew logically that Sebastian would leave on his own. He didn’t know why there had to be such urgency. He just wanted these these thoughts and feelings to end. Maybe if Sebastian thought he was better he would leave? That would be good. He could pretend. It wasn’t hard.

***

Later that evening Lucien left his room. He looked around for Sebastian but was surprised that he couldn’t find him. Then he heard the shower going off in the bathroom. He was still here. Was he making himself a little too at home here?

Lucien walked into the master bedroom and say the bag of clothes. It left a bad taste in his mouth. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like Sebastian being in his house, sleeping in this room, and doing who knows what in those bedsheets. It disgusted him to think that Sebastian might have been dirtying those sheets with his body fluids.

“He really needs to leave.” He muttered.

He had a sudden urge to take that bag of clothes and throw them outside. Maybe even set them on fire. Lucien wanted the very essence that was Sebastian to leave his home. If he did that then his aunt would be happy. She was mad because he had invaded their home. He had to get rid of him to make her happy. She had to be happy. He had to make her happy. 

But what about Sebastian? Shouldn’t he make him happy too while he was here? His aunt wasn’t really here. Sebastian was. Kicking him out and or destroying his stuff was a terrible thing to do. He didn’t want to be rude. Sebastian had been showing him such kindness. He shouldn’t be rude to him. He shouldn’t. No. No. No.

“Hey.”

Lucien jumped a little and spun around to see Sebastian standing behind him. He was wearing the night clothes he had given to him the night before and his hair was still damp. How long had Lucien been standing in the doorway? Hadn’t Sebastian just gone into the shower?

Sebastian continued to stare at him. “Um, you need something? You’re in the doorway.”

“Oh right, sorry.” Lucien stepped back into the room and let Sebastian walk in. “Um… so… Um…”

Sebastian sat on the bed and looked up at him. “Do you need something?”

Did he? Did Lucien really need something? Maybe there was something he wanted instead? His aunt wasn’t really here. It was important to make Sebastian feel welcome here in his home. Making people happy was important. It was what he should be doing. He needed to do it. Making people happy was what he should be doing.

“Um, is there anything you want?” Asked Lucien.”You’ve done so much for me already today I want to pay you back.”

Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t need anything and I don’t want anything right now. I’m kind of just tired and want to sleep after running around all day.”

“Ah yes. Of course… I’m sorry you had to some in and see my aunt with me.”

“It’s okay Lucien. I wanted to be there for you. Good night.”

“Good night.” Lucien closed the door on his way out and headed back to his bedroom. Sebastian was so nice, but he still needed to go soon. But he couldn’t just throw him out because that would be rude. He hated this contradictory thinking. He wanted it to stop.


	27. Candles and Sushi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are slowly starting to get a little better for Lucien. Y'all don't need to sharpen your pitch forks and point them at me anymore... for the moment... Also, you get to learn some stuff about sushi in this chapter. Anyway, kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Sometimes Lucien felt like a doll. One of those hollow ones made from clay. He looked alright and he was fine enough when dressed in nice clothes but that was it. He was just fine. People kept taking him for from his self, played around with him and put him back. He was getting worn out really quickly.

If he were a doll he would be showing cracks and chips that would never be able to be fixed. The more people touched him and played with him the more he felt like he was getting damaged. He needed to push others way and stay alone on his shelf. Playing with a damaged doll would undoubtedly hurt whoever was playing with him at the time.

They prefered sitting on their shelf all alone. They were fine looking nice. Something for people to smile and look at. They weren’t made for people to touch. They’d be made out of stronger material or something softer that wouldn’t fracture on impact.

He was okay with that. Everything was fine. The closer people got to him the more they would see his imperfections and see the truth. He was already broken. No one wanted broken things. Broken things always got thrown away.

At this point if he really was a doll he would have been thrown away. Thrown away and buried under a huge pile of trash. His limbs torn off and his head smashed in. Insects or some crawling creatures would have taken up residence in what was left of him by now.

“Hey, you still with me Lucien?” Asked Sebastian.

Lucien quickly snapped out of his daze and looked over at Sebastian. The two of them had sat down for lunch not too long ago but Lucien just didn’t feel that hungry. He was just picking as his instant ramen and daydreaming. “Huh? Sorry I wasn’t really paying much attention. What was that?”

“I was saying you look like you’re feeling better. You are, right?”

“Yeah. My head isn’t stuffy anymore and I feel a lot better. Might end up going to school tomorrow.”

“That’s good. My mum wants me home tomorrow anyway.”

“... So you’re leaving?” Lucien didn’t know if he should have felt relieved or saddened that Sebastian was going.

He shrugged. “Well yeah. What? You expected me to stay here forever or something?”

“What? No. Don’t be silly… I guess I was just starting to get used to living with someone again. It’s kind of nice.” Lucien didn’t know if he really meant those words but he said them anyway. They seemed like the words Sebastian might like hearing. If he was Sebastian he would have liked to hear those words, right?

Sebastian didn’t seem to pleased. “If you want to live with someone why not move in with your grandpa? He really wants you there… Plus you know, all your friends live there.”

Hearing that made Lucien feel bad. He stared down at his ramen and absentmindedly stirred the noodles. “I need to be here for my aunt. When she gets out I-”

“I get it.” Cut in Sebastian. “You can’t leave your aunt. But seriously, she’ll be fine and no offence but she didn’t seem like she is going to be let out anytime soon. And let’s face it, even when you turn eighteen you can’t just remove her from there if the doctor doesn’t think she can live away from twenty four hour care. Why don’t you just be selfish for once and do something for yourself?” 

When was the last time Lucien had done something for himself that wasn’t something he needed to do for basic survival? He couldn’t think of any real thing. Perhaps when he got his laptop fixed? No, he mostly uses it for school work. The only games he has on it are the ones that were pre programmed onto it. When he saw a movie? No, his uncle was still alive the last time he saw a movie. He bought himself a new shirt, but that was because the other one was so worn it started to become see thru.

“I… I don’t like doing things for myself that are unnecessary.” Lucien didn’t like how this was going. He was making Sebastian upset. But was that a bad thing? He’d just leave. Him leaving was a good thing. That’s what he wanted.

“Even people living paycheck to paycheck will spend money on stupid shit to feel better.” Pointed out Sebastian. He thought for a moment. “What’s something dumb, like an object, that you really like but don’t have?”

Lucien shrugged. He wasn’t one to want these kind of things. Just existing was fine. But Sebastian wanted him to say something so he came up with something generic. “Candles… I kind of like scented candles.”

“Great. Put your shoes on, we’re going.”

***

Sebastian took them to the closest shopping center and they were at some weird candle shop. It was pretty weird. He didn’t like going into these shops. The smell was way too overpowering for his liking. It made him wonder why girls liked this stuff so much.

He watched Lucien pick up different candles and give each of them a small sniff before putting them back. He didn’t seem to like any of them, but he needed to do this. Lucien needed to do things for himself. He was just too preoccupied with the thoughts of guilt. He needed to think of himself for once.

“You found one you like yet?”

“Um, no… They’re all really overpowering… I’d like something a little more subtle.” He continued to look around at the candles. This time he was looking at ones in tins. He seemed surprised when he sniffed one of them. “Oh, it’s cinnamon.”

“You like that one?”

“Yeah. It’s nice.” He sniffed it again and smiled a little. “I guess I’ll get this one then?”

“Yeah. You do that.” After getting his candle Lucien’s stomach audibly started growling. That really annoyed Sebastian. Lucien should have eaten more of his ramen instead of just letting it go all gross and cold. “Let’s go and get something to eat… You seriously need to eat more.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Come with me.” They went to the food court and he bought Lucien a small pack of tuna maki. Sure it wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea but it had rice and rice could be pretty filling. “Eat this.”

Lucien nodded a little and cautiously ate a piece. “... Wow, this is pretty good.”

“I know right? I personally prefer sashimi but that’s hard to get in Pelican town.”

“What’s sashimi?”

“Raw fish.”

“Huh… okay. Are you going to get yourself some sashimi?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You can eat it later.”

“I guess…” Sebastian bought himself some sashimi and they two headed back to Lucien’s apartment. “So, you haven’t eaten sushi before?”

Lucien shook his head. “Nope. I’ve only ever eaten all the usual stuff. Things like sandwiches and junk like that. But this is really good. I like it.”

“... Ever heard of a sushi train?”

“A what?”

“I’ll take you there some time.” It would be good for Lucien to get out and experience some different things and have some guilt free fun. This would be a good start for him. Plus Sebastian really wanted to go to a sushi train again. They were so good.

Lucien seemed a little surprised but he smiled at him. “That sounds good. Thank you.”

That smile made Sebastian’s heart flutter ever so slightly. The more genuine and happy the smile the more it made Sebastian feel good. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was just relief. It had to just be relief. He just wanted Lucien to be happy again. Did he even know what Lucien being happy even looked like or meant? Heck, could Lucien even be happy without feeling guilt over anything? He had no idea.

“Sebastian?”

“Huh?”

Lucien cast his eyes down. “Oh um… I was just asking what kind of sushi there is. I’ll just look it up on my phone.”

“No that’s okay I was just spacing out a little.” Finally, a topic Sebastian was actually weirdly well versed in. “There’s like five main types; nigiri, sashimi, maki, uramaki, and temaki. Maki is that stuff you were eating with the seaweed wrapped around the outside.”

Lucien looked down at his almost empty container of maki. “Huh. Maki is really good.”

“Yeah it is. Sashimi is raw fish, like I already said. Nigiri is like a little roll of rice with with some fish on to of it. It isn’t wrapped in seaweed.”

“That sounds nice. Slightly less chewy.”

Sebastian felt the corner of his mouth twitch a little into a smile. “Yeah. It is pretty good. Eel nigiri and prawn nigiri are some of my favourites.”

“I’d like to try one of those.”

“They’re really nice. Uramaki is like maki, but the seaweed is wrapped around the filling. I think some people call them inside out rolls or something like that. But they usually have more toppings and sauces.”

“Toppings? Sauces?”

“Yeah. Lots of sushi is garnished with those orange fish eggs. They also have some interesting mayonnaise and spicy sauce stuff. Some of them get blow torched so it tastes kind of smokey. It’s really cool.”

Lucien looked really surprised. “Really? I didn’t think you would blow torch it. It seems like, you know something you’d want to keep cold.”

“Depends on what you like really. Oh, and temaki is this one that looks like a cone.”

“That’s cool… So what sashimi did you like?”

Sebastian started listing off his sashimi of choice on his fingers. “Tuna’s always good. Can’t go wrong with that. Salmon is good. Octopus, yellow tail, halibut… and I have a soft spot for sea urchin too.”

“Wow, that’s a lot. Isn’t sea urchin that spiky round thing?”

“Yeah but you crack it open and scoop out the insides.”

Lucien wrinkled his nose a little when he heard that. “Sounds kind of gross. Like eating a snail.”

Sebastian laughed. “Yeah. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea. It can be pretty gross if you aren’t used to it.”

“I guess… What kind of sashimi did you get?”

“Tuna and salmon. That’s the kind they usually sell in food courts and stuff. If you want any of the really fancy stuff you go to a sushi train or like a proper Japanese restaurant.”

Lucien nodded and led them both back into the apartment. “I’ll look up a sushi train. I’d really like to go to one with you someday.”

Sebastian smiled and put his sashimi in the fridge. “Yeah, that’ll be nice. You have any homework you still need to do?”

“Nah, I finished it all already. I’m going to find a place for my candle.”

“Okay. You do that.” Sebastian was happy that Lucien was smiling again and at least acting normal. Maybe he should consider getting Lucien some more candles? As long as they were soft, subtle scents he’d like them.

***

Lucien stood in the middle of his room and sniffed the cinnamon candle some more. It was nice. When he smelt it he wanted to remember this day. A nice day when he and Sebastian went shopping for candles and Sebastian bought him sushi. It made him smile.

Sebastian was such a nice person. He really didn’t know that people like that really existed in this world. People that would stay with you and be nice to you without wanting anything in return. It was refreshing. The last person that came to mind when he thought of things like that was his mum.

She was such a nice woman. Always with him, making him smile, telling him stories, making him laugh. It was kind of funny really. He remembered a lot of people, adults really, saying he didn’t look much like his dad when he was younger. But everyone was always going on about how much he looked like his mum. He remembered one time when he was younger someone showed him a photo of his mum when she was a little girl. If his hair was a little longer he would have thought the picture was of him.

Maybe that’s why she doted on him so much? She wanted to have a little girl but instead got a son? It was a little hard to tell since she died when he was so young. He liked to think she just liked having a little mini-me following her around like a lost duckling. His dad thought it was cute too at the time.

“...”

The more he thought about his dad he wondered if the man would have stayed if he had been a girl. If he had been born a girl then maybe he would have felt a need to protect her and keep being her father instead of essentially abandoning her like he had done with him. Girls were delicate and fragile. They needed to be protected. Everyone liked girls.

Maybe if he was a girl his aunt wouldn’t have made that mistake and they could still be living together? Maybe the accident wouldn’t have happened at all if he was a girl? Maybe he wouldn’t have asked his uncle to go the the convenient store and just do it himself if he was a girl? He had no idea.

Maybe it would have been easier to make friends if he was a girl too? He would have had friends at his old school instead of him just fluttering between different cliques all the time. Would Sebastian like him more if he was a girl? If he was a girl that looked more like Abby then maybe he would… That was a stupid thought. If he was a girl he and Sebastian would never have met in the first place.

He inhaled sharply through his nose and his sense were quickly flooded with the warming scent of cinnamon. It calmed him down a lot. It centered him and quickly drew him away from those horribly negative thoughts and back to reality.

Lucien closed his eyes and held the candle close to his chest, giving it a quick squeeze, before putting it on his bedside table. A happy candle full of happy memories. Something he could go back to when he became overwhelmed and unable to think clearly. He was grateful Sebastian made him get one.


	28. The favour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bleh, these next few months are going to be a little hectic for me so chapters for this and my other stories might take a little longer for me to finish than others. (April-July is always busy af for me. So much family stuff going on it's insane. I swear those 4 months feel like a whole damn year by the end of it but such is my life.) Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Much to Lucien’s surprise Sam and Abby were really happy to see that he was back at school on Friday. Abby almost knocked him to the ground as soon as she saw him.”How the hell did you get so sick you got knocked out of school for four days?”

Lucien struggled to keep his balance but somehow managed to do so. “Abby you’re heavy…”

“Well you’re a stick with legs. We’re just happy you’re not sick anymore.”

“Oh, well thank you. Sebastian took really good care of me.”

Abby gave the other teen a suspicious look. Sebastian just rolled his eyes at her. “What? You think I’m that bad at taking care of anything else?”

“You don’t stroke me as the caring type.” She admitted.

“Didn’t you have a rock pet that died?” Asked Sam.

Sebastian blushed. “I was five and it cracked in half.”

Lucien laughed a little at their antics and quickly excused himself. “I’ll be back in a bit. I’m just going to go and talk to some teachers about my homework and stuff.” It was easy enough to find the teachers in the staffroom. He handed in homework and explained why he had been away and for the most part everyone was reasonable enough.

As he walked down the hallway he ended up walking into Alex. Like literally. He walked into right into him. Thankfully none of his asshole friends were around so it didn’t matter that much. Lucien just ducked his head and quickly tried to walk away from him, but Alex managed to grab his arm. 

“Hey.”

Lucien squeaked a little at the sudden contact. “H-hey. Sorry I’ll watch where I’m going next time.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah that’s whatever. Where were you?”

“I was very sick, but I’m all better now.”

“Yeah I can see that...” Alex’s eyes quickly darted over him and Lucien suddenly felt very self conscious. Especially when his gaze lingered on his lips. “So um… I was kind of thinking some more about what you were talking about…”

Lucien quickly glanced around the hallway, and wasn’t surprised to see that no one was in there yet. He smiled softly at Alex. “Oh? What about what I said?”

“You um… On the weekend when I was going for a run and you um…” A blush quickly spread across the other teens face.

Taking the initiative Lucien quickly leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. It wasn’t lingering. It was over in a second. Either way it made Alex’s face explode into a comical shade of red. Lucien wanted to laugh at that but instead he just winked at him and smiled flirtatiously at him. “First time is free but next time you want a kiss give me ten gold.”

Alex was completely flustered at this point. “W-wait I um… You? Huh?”

“You’re cute when you’re flustered Alex. But we should be heading to class. Roll call is going to happen soon.”

“Well yeah I guess… But um… So you are gay?”

Again with these labels. Why was everyone so caught up on labels? Lucien didn’t get it. “I go for whoever wants me in the moment. Why? You want to explore some more? Talk to me after school. I’ll have an idea of what everything will cost.”

“Huh?”

“Might as well make some money while I’m having fun. Right?” Lucien half wondered if Alex would take him seriously. He’d feel kind of bad if he did, but honestly if he was seriously going to dabble in this kind of life he might as well start at school. Besides he didn’t have that long till he graduated anyway. Even if somehow people started to spread rumours that he was starting to do this kind of stuff at school they wouldn’t really have a way to prove it.

He went to homeroom and waited for roll call to happen. He hardly registered when the teacher called his name and he just started to float through the rest of his classes. He felt kind of bad for teasing Alex the way he did. Alex was an okay guy. Also if Alex mentioned what he had said to someone in passing everyone might start to think he was whoring himself out. In hindsight it probably wasn’t the best reputation to have in a small school.

Was that something he really cared about that much though? High school was bullshit. Everything in life was fleeting. School reputations were worth nothing at the end of the day. Eventually everyone would go their separate ways and that would be the end of it.

He tapped his pen against the desk and absentmindedly looked out the window. Sam lightly nudged him. “Yo, class is over.”

“Huh? Oh, so it is… Is it lunch time?”

“Are you okay dude? You’re spacing out a little more than usual. Still sick?”

“Eh, probably. Let’s go and eat. Sebastian will get all pissed off at me if I don’t eat.”

Sam laughed a little and followed Lucien out. “Guess you don’t eat much when you’re sick?”

“I eat when I’m hungry and well, I don’t get hungry that often. Even less when I’m sick.”

“Yeah, I can see that… We were all really worried about you.”

“... Thanks. You don’t know how much it means to me that other people care about me.” He laughed a little. “When you don’t really have much of a family it’s hard to believe anyone will willingly look after you when you get in trouble, you know? It was nice having him around for a few days… But I still like being alone.”

Sam grinned and lightly slapped his back. “Ha, yeah. Sebastian’s like a cactus.”

“... He’s a what now?”

“A cactus.” Reiterated Sam. “All spiky on the outside, but is a super softy on the inside. Also full of water.”

“I am pretty sure all people are full of water Sam.”

Sam shrugged. “Yeah well, I’m not too good at analogies and word stuff. That’s mainly why most of the songs I write are just instrumental. I can’t write lyrics for shit… You any good at singing?”

“Um… I don’t know. I haven’t tried before.”

“Huh… Come over to my place some time and we can try some scales. It’ll be fun. Once you’re not feeling sick and stuff anymore. Can sing when you feel sick.”

“Yeah… Fun…” Lucien still didn’t want to go back to Pelican town if he could help it. The two of them made it up to the roof where Abby and Sebastian were already sitting with a bunch of junk food. That was kind of weird, but Lucien didn’t really know if this was a weird thing for the trio to do. “What’s with all the food? Are you guys smoking weed or something?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Getting stoned at school is fucking stupid. Just sit down and eat some cake.”

Abby grinned. “Yep. You’ve been sick for the past few days and let’s face it, you probably ate fuck all. Time to fatten you up and stuff you full of sugar.” She tossed a heavy block of something in a paper bag at him. “There, eat that. It’s a block of caramel fudge. It’s to die for. You’ll love it.”

Lucien sat down with them and ate the fudge. It was really good, but damn it was full of sugar. “This is going to make my teeth fall out… Is this all really because I was sick?”

Abby nodded as she opened a bag of chips. “Hell yeah. Look, buddy, pal, freindo, we were worried about you. If you were still dead by the weekend Sam and I would have gone out to Zuzu to see if you’d move if we poked you with a stick.”

“A stick? Really?”

She shrugged. “It would have been a nice stick. Something from a store. A pet store. Pet quality sticks.”

“I’m glad you think so highly of me.”

Sam laughed a little and took the chips off Abby. “You’re cool dude. Seb’s the one that came up with the whole idea anyway. He said you were really down and shit.”

Sebastian blushed. “Shut up Sam.”

This made Abby and Sam laugh. Abby slung her arm over his shoulder and started poking Sebastian’s face. “Aw, you worried you’re gonna lose your infamous bad boy emo image? Don’t worry Sebby, everyone thinks you’re a super scary little goober.”

Sebastian looked like he wanted to die. “Abby…”

It made Lucien smile a little when he heard that. It was nice to hear that Sebastian liked him enough to do something silly like this. Then again he would probably do the same things for Abby and Sam. In fact he probably has too. Sebastian was just a really sweet guy under all that angst. 

He should do something for him to thank him for taking care of him. They both liked Saga X. He had seen a few cool looking figurines of some of the characters in the games shop he sometimes went to. He could get him one. They were a little expensive and Yoba knew he had way too much money since his dad just threw money at him each month.

***

Sebastian was relieved to see that Lucien seemed to be settling back into school life. Then again he knew he was just being all hyper aware of the other teen since he unintentionally told him everything. Lucien was a really nice guy and he just… He wanted him to smile more.

Soon lunch was over and it was back to class. Everyone was kind of not really paying attention to anything the teachers were saying since it was a Friday. Everyone was thinking about the weekend. Sebastian wanted to ask Lucien to come over to Pelican town to hang out, but didn’t know if the other teen would like that idea much. So he left it. For now.

School finished and the friends parted ways. Though Sebastian kept an eye on Lucien even when he got onto the bus back to Pelican town, and kept looking at him until he had gotten on his own bus.

His gaze had caught the attention of Abby who frowned and playfully messed up his hair. “Hey, emo kid? Are we boring to you or something?”

“What?”

“You’ve been making googly eyes at Lucien all day. This your way of flirting or something?”

He rolled his eyes and playfully shoved her. “Piss off. I’m not gay. I’m just worried about him. He was really fucking sick. I’d do the same for either of you two.”

“Aw I’m touched.” Cooed Sam from his seat behind them. He leaned forward and showed the two of them a guitar from a magazine. “How cool does this one look? It’s so expensive but damn I want it.”

“Maybe someday Sammy.” Said Abby before she redirected her attention back to Sebastian. “What are you talking about? Last time I was sick the most you did for me was come into my room, gave me a colouring book and told me to feel better.”

“In my defence we were like seven. What else was I meant to do? Cook for you? Mum wouldn’t even let me use the microwave back then.” Muttered Sebastian. “... Besides you two were the ones that made me go and make sure he was still alive.”

Abby made a strange sound that almost sounded like a squawk. “Made you? Bitch you didn’t need that much convincing.”

“Whatever.”

They continued to talk about random stuff till they made it back to Pelican Town. Once they were there Sebastian parted ways with his friends. He claimed that his mum asked him to pick something up from Mr Berg’s place before heading home and it would be easier to use the shortcut at the back of the farm. They didn’t argue and said goodbye to their friend and went home.

Sebastian headed into Datura farm and cautiously approached the farmhouse. Standing on the porch he suddenly became anxious and hesitant. Why was he even here? Was he really going to talk to the old man about his grandson? He really should, right? Maybe this was a bad idea. He should head home and think a bit more about this.

Unfortunately the decision was taken out of his hands when Mr Berg opened the front door on his own. The two stared at each other in surprise for a moment before Mr Berg put on his warm smile. “Ah, Sebastian. Has school ended already? Is there something I can do for you?”

Well, there was no backing out if it now. “Um… It’s about Lucien.”

“Did something happen to him?” Concern was written all over his face. “Robin told me that he was sick and you went to look after him. I really must thank you for that. If I knew his address I would have gone there myself to look after him. Is he still sick?”

“What? No he um, he’s better now.”

The older man instantly became relieved. “Oh, well that’s good.”

“Yeah… Um…” Sebastian shoved his hands into his pockets and cast his eyes down. “So um… while he was sick he was on some medication that made him a little bit loopy and he told me some… some really disturbing things…”

“Is this about what happened with his aunt?”

Sebastian’s eyes immediately snapped up to see how serious and cold the older man was. Did that mean he knew what happened? It had to. He wouldn’t have looked so serious if he didn’t. “Yeah. I don’t think he knew it was me he was talking to. He called me mum.”

“... I think you better come inside.” Mr Berg invited Sebastian in and they sat down at his small table. Mr Berg sat down and let out a slow, unhappy sigh through his nose. “So… What exactly did he tell you?”

“He said that she raped him, but she was still a good person and that it wasn’t her fault because she’s mentally ill and I just… I don’t really know what to do. I knew something bad happened to him but… I had no idea.”

“I didn’t know about it either until he told me a while ago.” Admitted the older man. “Did you tell him that you know the truth?”

“No. I didn’t know what he would do if I knew…”

“Well, that’s good I guess.” Mr Berg rested his arms in the table with a look of utter defeat on his face. “I don’t really know what to do either. I want him to move in with me but his father is being stubborn about custody. I don’t know if it’s out of spite or what but he… I can’t force Lucien to live with me, and even if he was living here I don’t know what good that would do.”

“He just feels guilty.” Said Sebastian. “He just wants to be close to his aunt because he thinks he’s the reason her life is so messed up. Did he even get some kind of counselling after what she did to him? For weeks? Months? If he didn’t have to go back to school she could have kept doing that to him for years!”

“I know that!” Mr Berg sighed and put his head in his hands. “Sebastian, I am trying my best. He’s almost an adult. Even if I tried to force him to stay here as soon as he’s eighteen he can legally leave and do what he wants. If he doesn’t willinging decide to come here I can’t do anything about that… I want him to get better. I can see him hurting every time we talk about anything. He isn’t the same bubbly, carefree kid he was… I want him to be happy again.”

This was awful. Both Sebastian and Mr Berg wanted to do something for Lucien, anything really, but he wasn’t having any of it. Sebastian couldn’t understand why Lucien couldn’t see how damaged he was and how many people were willing to help him. He just didn’t understand it at all.

“Why does he like that evil woman so much?” He muttered. “She’s complete trash. He should hate her for what she did. Why can’t he hate her?”

“I don’t know… Some people just can’t hate other people no matter what they do. Lucien’s probably like that. It’s both a blessing and a curse. No matter how badly anyone treats him he’ll always turn the other cheek. At least it seems that way. I don’t know how anyone could forgive a rapist.”

“... What do you think of that woman?”

“Kyla? Well she…” He sighed. “Look, she has always been a relatively pleasant woman when I’ve spoken to her. I wouldn’t have suspected her of doing anything like that but the evidence was overwhelming once I looked into it when Lucien left. You can find the transcripts for the case on some government website… I guess I’m horrified by her actions but I feel pity for her. If she was really as lost in her delusions as the psychiatrist testified then… Rather than thinking of her I’d rather think about Lucien’s well being.”

“... I should probably go now.”

“Hmm? Oh yes. Robin is probably wondering where you are… Can I ask you a favour?”

“I guess?”

“Please keep an eye on Lucien for me.” A pained smile made its way across the old man’s face. “I might be family, but Lucien and I hardly know each other. I don’t even know where he lives, but I worry about him so much. If we lived together I don’t know if he would confide in me about anything. I can hardly guess what goes on in his head when he stares blankly out at nothing… If you think he’s doing something or going to do something bad please let me know.”

“Something bad?”

“Something bad.” 

They shared a knowing look. Neither of them wanted to say it but there might be a chance that Lucien might try and kill himself. Neither of them wanted that. It would be easier to keep an eye on Lucien if he went and actually lived in Pelican town, but this was the next best thing they could do.


	29. Contradictory Spiral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're dipping back into the bad places... Nothing graphic, just kind of the aftermath and stuff... Please don't lynch me. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Once again it was the weekend and Lucien was walking the streets. He again had no real direction or any specific destination in mind. He never did. Eventually he walked into some building and was surprised to see that it was some kind of art art museum. It looked like a pop up one or something and he had no idea if he was going to suddenly get asked to leave. He didn’t really look like a typical super rich art critic.

But considering no one approached him, he felt pretty confident walking around the place. Other people were walking around and doing whatever they liked. He even saw a couple with a kid. So it was probably free, right? Probably.

Lucien walked around and looked at some of the paintings and the sculptures. There didn’t seem to be much of a theme or anything of that nature going on in any of them. They were all just disconnected from one another.

In particular Lucien liked the sculpture that just consisted of a smashed baby doll on the ground. Maybe it was one of those things were he saw himself in it or something? Probably. Pretty much any time he saw something broken he felt a strong connection with it.

Suddenly a woman tapped him on his shoulder and made him jump a little. She was a red haired woman with her hair done up in a braid. She gave him an apologetic smile. “Hey, sorry to bother you but can I get your opinion on something?”

“... Um, sure?”

She directed him over to a clay and metal sculpture. “Can you tell me what you think of this? Like what does it make you feel?”

Lucien stared at the limp of twisted clay and metal. It was abstract to say the least, but it didn’t spark much in the way of emotion inside him if that was the case. He was too wrapped up in his own emotions to really feel something immediate for this thing.

“Do you really want to know my opinion miss?”

“Oh, Leah. My name is Leah.” She said as she shook his hand. “And yes I want to know what you think about it.”

Lucien really didn’t know what to say about the piece. It wasn’t his cup of tea. “I um… I guess it’s kind of cold? It doesn’t really make me feel happy or anything.”

Leah sighed in frustration. “Right…”

“Sorry.”

“No, no, it isn’t your fault. Art is subjective and well… I’ve just lost inspiration.”

“Oh, is this piece yours?”

“Yeah... “ She sighed sadly. “The college I go to has these exhibitions every few months for people that have made stuff… I just can’t seem to make anything inspiring. It’s all the same… Maybe I need a sea change?” 

“Maybe. Maybe you’re stuck in a slump because of the people around you? That’s a thing too.”

Leah paused for a moment and thought about what he had said. “So… you mean I should cut out negative things in my life if I want to make art that is more positive?”

“I guess?”

She seemed to really be thinking heavily about this. “Yes… New life, new me, new inspirations… I think I can do this. You’ve given me a lot to think about.” As she thought about this Lucien attempted to slip away but she stopped him once more. “ Sorry for asking you all those questions so suddenly. I just… I guess it’s like what you’re suggesting. I’m kind of stuck in a slump. Nothing ever changes. All my work is the same… I’m so stuck in a slump that I’m not even following current art trends.”

“Um, it’s okay. Really. Just do what you think is right for you. Okay?”

Okay. Sorry to bother you again.” She took out a notepad from her pocket and quickly started to scribble down some notes when she kept glancing up at her sculpture. Artists were strange people.

He continued to walk around until he saw a rather strange looking painting. It looked rather grotesque really. It was a bunch of fleshy tones on a black background. Each like was thickly applied and twisted till the figure appeared to be contorted in an agonizing shape. Once again Lucien found a strange comfort in this twisted visage.

***

A twisted visage, that’s what he felt he was; broken, twisted, and filthy. He didn’t like feeling like this. No one did. He wanted to feel like someone wanted him or needed him. Even if it was just for a short time. He kept remembering back to that man that he almost slept with. He was wanted by them.

Being wanted felt good. The more broken and beaten down a person was the more they wanted to feel needed by another. Lucien had hit that point. He kept thinking about how worthless and useless he was. He couldn’t really do anything worthwhile. But he did know something he was good at even if it was forced upon him.

He found himself back in the red light district of Zuzu city quite easily. He knew what the people here wanted. He knew what happened last time probably wouldn’t happen again. Maybe nothing would happen again? He really didn’t mind one way or another what happened to him. He would have been fine if someone did take him away and he ended up dead too. That was the kind of person he was.

He watched several people walking by. At this time of the day it was mostly men getting off from work or young women starting their shifts. In minutes he saw these men and women quickly pairing off and heading to their own destinations. It sparked a small bit of jealousy in him. He wanted attention too. He wanted someone to look at him like they wanted him. But he knew no one wanted him.

That was fine. He wasn’t worth much anyway. He knew that. If he was so… himself maybe things could be different? Maybe if he was broken in a more beautiful way then he could have some artistic value? People could see the value of something if it was framed and hung in a room full of white walls. He just wanted someone to see him and value him somehow. He knew it was practically impossible at this point but he wished someone would pretend.

“Hey, you okay there?” Asked a man. He looked mature. He had streaks of silver through his hair and wore a business suit.

Lucien smiled a little at him. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just standing around and passing the time. You?”

“Oh um, just passing through.” He seemed a little flustered and that just made Lucien smile.

“Not looking for anyone to spend the night with?” Asked Lucien. “You seem like the kind of guy that likes his partners young, or are you just interested in girls?”

The man laughed nervously. “Young people these day are pretty blunt huh?”

“Most of us find people that hide their true intentions behind flowery words are stupid and not worth our time. Just spit out what you want or don’t bother opening your mouth. That kind of stuff you know?”

“Huh, okay. Fair enough.” He smiled kindly at him. “Would you be interested in coming with me tonight? Unless you’re waiting for someone else?”

For a moment Lucien wondered if this was a good idea, but he quickly squashed those thoughts. He came here for a reason after all. That reason was to have sex with a man. He smiled at the man and nodded. “Sure. I have nothing else to do. I seem to be drawn to older men anyway.”

The man seemed to be pleased to hear that and the two of them walked away together. This time there was no Shane to tell pull him out of this. But that was okay. This was his decision. He wanted this.

***

The hotel that they ended up in was a lot nicer than Lucien had expected and things hurt a lot less than he assumed they would. The older man seemed to have fine taste. That suited Lucien just fine. It was better to have sex there then in some cockroach infested motel room. 

Their trist together had been somewhat enjoyable in a physical sense. The man seemed like a gentle lover that just really enjoy fucking younger men. He wasn’t rough with him and did his best to make Lucien comfortable. Maybe he could just tell he hadn’t slept with men before? At least it was good.

Though if Lucien had to pin point anything specific about it he would be drawing a blank. It all kind of melded together like watercolours bleeding into one another. The memory was more of an emotional swirl rather than anything visual in his mind.

The man sat on the edge of the bed and smoked a cigarette. “You okay there pretty boy?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” He looked up at the ceiling and was mildly surprised to see that there were no cracks or cobwebs forming in the corners. “I’ve had sex before.”

“Yeah, just not with a man.” Said the other with an almost cocky attitude. “Were you finding it hard to sleep with men closer to your age? Are the girls easier to pull?”

“I guess. I’ve mainly had sex with older women anyway. It’s nice changing things up once in a while.”

The man nodded, put out his cigarette and got dressed. “Fair enough I guess.” Once he was dressed he took some money out of his wallet and placed it on the bedside table next to Lucien. “Hopefully we’ll get to see each other again soon. You’re not half bad pretty boy.”

He left the room and Lucien looked over at the money. It gave him a moment to reflect on what had just happened and how he should react to the situation. He didn’t feel angry or upset that a man had touched his body in a similar fashion to what his aunt did. Parts of it felt good. Really good. There were parts that hurt too. 

But the man had called him pretty boy. It was amazing to Lucien that anyone would call him that. The other man did that too before he got scare off by the legality of his age and what not. This man didn’t even ask his age. Maybe he wouldn’t have cared? It didn’t matter. What did matter was that people found him desirable, but only if he was willing to have sex with them.

Not that he could blame them. He understood that this was where his talents lied. Even if the act sometimes made him feel sick this act was something people found value in. The money was proof of that. It was proof that he had some kind of value. Something as broken and filthy as him had value in this horrific world.

Lucien reached over and counted the money the man had left him. It was about five thousand. That was pretty impressive for a young person like him. Maybe he would go back there tomorrow and see if he could get more money? Then again he really only partially cared about the money. What he really wanted was for people to want and desire him.

“That’s cheap.” Whispered the voice of his aunt by the bathroom door. “Selling your body like that is cheap and pitiful.”

“It’s nothing compared to feeling like shit all the time.” Replied Lucien calmly. “Call it whatever you like but I’m okay with it.”

“Oh really?”

“Really. Even if this is cheap and looked down upon by everyone else how is that any different from any other day?” Asked Lucien. “Anyone that is as broken and disgusting as I am deserves to scrape together whatever happiness they can. My love might be cheap but it’s mine to use as I please.”

“... You’re too inexperienced.” She said, though her voice was sounding more distant than usual. “In the end people will leave and find someone else. That’s what men do. They will lose interest in you so quickly. You’ll be used up and have nothing left.”

“That’s fine too. I don’t mind. I hardly had anything to begin with.” He looked over at the bathroom and felt relief that she wasn’t there. Of course she wouldn’t be. She detested people that gave their love away like that. If he continued doing this then maybe she would stop occupying his thoughts? That was just an incentive at this point for him.

Lucien got dressed, collected everything else he had and left the hotel room.. He was sore and everything felt a little painful, but that was to be expected. At least he still felt like himself. He was still Lucien.

Though his aunt did have a point. If he wasn’t good enough people would leave him or completely pass over him like it was nothing. Like he was nothing. Then a twisted thought popped into his head. He had told Alex that he’d kiss him for ten gold as a joke, but what if he wasn’t joking? What if he did do those things and offered a few more things?

It would just be practice right? He’d practice with those teenagers, make a little money, and then actually do what he really wanted out in the city with real men. The boys at school would be assholes and just use him, but it would be good practice for him. 

Just practice. That’s all it was. Practice. Practice made perfect. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practice. It was all practice. Everything was fine. He just needed people to hold him for a moment. He just needed a moment. A moment was good. A moment was fine. If he got money from it all the better, right?

With these thoughts swirling in his head he walked home. From where he was it normally would have taken about an hour for him to walk home, but it felt like it was only mere seconds. He got into his apartment, undressed, and went to bed. The day had been a long day for one reason or another.


	30. Back to school

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for a slightly lighter chapter to try and balance out the crap that happened in the last chapter. Kudos and comment when you can please. Enjoy :D

Around midday the next day Lucien found himself in Comics, Games ‘n Toys. He wanted to find something for Sebastian, to thank him for looking after him while he was sick. There were several figurines on the back shelf behind glass. 

There were so many from different comics, movies, and animes. He recognised a few of them, but he was interested in the Saga X figurines. A new Valkyrie figurine had just been released. She was in her power pose as it was called. Power stance, plasma sword drawn, particle shield up. She was in her alternate costume too.

The cashier looked over at Lucien and grinned. “You interested in something?”

“Huh? Oh yeah. The new Valkyrie figurine. Have you got any more in stock?”

“Oh yeah. Are you interested in her classic outfit or the new power suit from volume seven? Though if you’re willing to spend a little extra gold you can buy her classic costume too. It’s a pretty good deal.”

“Yeah, okay. I’ll get that.”

“You got it.” The cashier went into the back for a moment then came back with a box. He scanned it and put it in a bag. “That’ll be 2,500 gold.”

Lucien easily paid for that with the money he had gotten from the night before. Once it was paid for he headed home and put it in his bag to take to school the next day. As he sat in his room he wondered if it was ethical to buy gifts with that money? No. Money was just money. People were the ones that decided if it was good or evil. 

He ultimately decided that it didn't matter where he got the money from. What really mattered was what he did with it. Spending it on his friends was a good thing. There were worse things he could have been spending it on. Speaking of money, was that man going to be there again tonight? Would he take him to another hotel room and do all those things again?

Was he a prostitute now? That’s what it seemed like. Technically speaking he was since he had sex in exchange for money. Then again he didn’t really ask for money, he was just paid. Not that he minded at all. He supposed that he could consider this a job. Maybe he would go back tonight? He kind of wanted to now.

He looked over at the candle on his bedside table and picked it up. He gave it a sniff and smiled at the scent of cinnamon. It reminded him of Sebastian. Those wonderful memories and thoughts filled him and he couldn’t help but be happy. He wanted to do that again with Sebastian soon.

He could invite Sebastian out for the weekend at some point? Then again Sebastian probably wouldn’t want to do that. He’d probably just prefer to be home. Not that he could blame him. He’d only come out here because Lucien was sick and needed someone to help him for a little while. It was probably all just a terrible nuisance to him anyway.

That’s all he was though right? A bother. Someone who people are only obliged to help because of reasons. That was it. Once that reason was severed then there would no longer be any links between them. All they would have left would be memories and the smell of cinnamon.

***

“Holy shit are you serious?” Asked Sebastian as Lucien handed him the figurine of Valkyrie. He had only just seen it pop up online that morning and was trying to figure out how to save for it. He didn’t expect Lucien to just hand it over to him on Monday morning. 

Lucien just grinned. “Hey, I had to do something to repay you for looking after me while I was sick. I figured that this would be a good idea. It also comes with her original costume too so you can choose between that and her new suit.”

“Her new suit is basically a skin tight zero suit with a belt. Her original had more personality.” Sebastian really loved this gift. “But how did you afford it? Figurines like this aren’t cheap.”

“I know. But my dad sends me an allowance once a month, I spend what I need on food and school stuff. Then I pocket the rest. I have a lot saved in my bank account it’s ridiculous.” 

Sam frowned a little. “So if I was the one looking after you, you would have bought me that guitar I’ve had my eye on for a while?”

“Perhaps.”

“Damn it! I missed out!” Whined Sam.

Abby rolled her eyes and punched his arm. “Shut up Sam. You big baby.”

Sebastian ignored those two and put it in hic locker. He’d open it once he’d gotten home. “Still, you didn’t have to get me anything. I’m really just happy you’re not sick anymore.”

“No problem. I don’t mind. Honestly. I’d rather spend money on other people than myself. You had to talk me into buying a candle the other day, remember?”

“Yeah… What did you end up doing with that anyway?” He started gathering his books for his next class.

“I keep it in my room on my bedside table… I like sniffing it every once in a while. It makes me feel a little better.”

“That’s good. You going to start collecting those now?”

“I might. You never know.”

Sebastian nodded and the group headed off to their homeroom. Their teacher looked less tired than usual as he entered and wrote cultural festival on the board. This made everyone groan internally. Why? The cultural festival was pretty boring if you weren’t really into where your family came from or didn’t have strong ties to another country.

Basically the cultural festival consisted of people setting up stalls to sell culturally appropriate food or things while other kids participated in cultural dances and demonstrations in the hall. While anyone from any grade could do stuff on stage it was up to all the senior students to do the food stalls. Since the school was so small it meant only the senior students were needed. 

But the worst part was everything had to be approved by the homeroom teacher, and that was because a Chinese student one year was just selling a bunch of random plastic toys. They claimed they were from their culture because they all had made in China stamped on them. While Sebastian thought that was ingenious, the teachers did not.

“Alright.” Said the teacher. “Here is how this is going to work; you figure out what country you guys want to do. You guys have to have had a family member born in that country. Also I don’t want anyone being a smart ass and doing something dumb like selling bananas because we’re all descended from monkeys. Firstly; don’t be a smart ass. Secondly; we aren’t descended from monkeys. It’s apes. There is a difference. I’m a biology teacher.”

That was also an interesting incident. Sebastian remembered some of the more religious kids throwing a fit because they didn’t believe in evolution and were ranting about how it was an affront to Yoba or something. Still didn’t stop him and Sam from buying a banana out of spite.

“Also, only groups of two or three working at a single stall.” Warned the teacher. “If there are a bunch of people wanting to do a stall on their country of choice, split the group. We don’t need one tiny stall getting worked by seven students. No one needs that. Figure out what you’re doing by the end of the week or I will put you in groups.”

The rest of homeroom was spent with everyone talking about what they wanted to do. Abby came up with a good idea. “Hey, how about we do this; we both make teams of two. One does sweet and the other does savoury? Then we set our stalls up next to each other. We share an esky for drinks.”

“Sounds good to me.” Said Sam.

Lucien looked a little confused. “Are we all doing the same country?”

Sam shrugged. “All my family going back to my great grandpappy have been living in the Ferngill republic.”

“Family has been here since the arrival of the good ship Hope II.” Said Abby. “According to family legend we were fleeing the witch trials.”

Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t really care too much. I’m good with doing whatever. I don’t really ask that many questions about my family… Though I think my grandma came from somewhere really, really far North and my great grandma came from somewhere really far east? I’m not sure.”

Lucien nodded a little. “Ah, okay. I’m good with doing Ferngill stuff… Who is going to do what?” 

“Bags doing sweet stuff!” Said Abby.

“Me too!” Said Sam. “Me too!”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Well I guess that leaves you and me with savoury stuff? You any good at cooking Lucien?”

Lucien nodded and Abby clapped her hands. “Excellent. I’m going to let the teacher know before someone else snaps up our stall plans. Sam, start writing down ideas for food.” She quickly walked off to talk to the teacher while Sam grabbed a notebook and started writing down food.

“Well we have to have maple bars. They are a traditional northern staple… And blackberry cobbler, and blueberry tart.”

“What about strange buns?” Asked Lucien. “I heard they originated here too. It’s stuffed with some kind of wear paste made from yams or sweet potato, right?”

Sam made a disgusted face. “... Yeah, I’ll ask Abby about that… What are you two going to cook?”

Sebastian shrugged. “The only things I know that came from here are things like, lucky lunch, fiddlehead risotto and… I think survival burgers?” He looked over at Lucien to see if he could add anything. Unfortunately Lucien just shrugged. He didn’t seem to have a clue.

“Don’t look at me. My food traditionally comes from the grocery store.”

“Eh, we’ll think of something I guess… Even if it’s like mostly store bought stuff.”

“We’ll think of something later.”

After that the day went along normally. The only slightly strange thing that happened as that the maths teacher was sick, so they ended up with a substitute. Which meant super easy hand out stuff to finish just to keep them busy till the actual teacher came back. Sebastian pretty much finished the hand outs in twenty minutes.

He glanced over at Lucien who seemed to be day dreaming as he tapped his pencil against his pencil case. Though he had a distant look in his eyes he did seem to be more normal. That was good. But he still felt like he might have to try and subtly convince Lucien to move in with his grandpa.

“...” He lightly poked Lucien’s arm. “Did you actually finish anything or are you just not doing it?”

Lucien glanced down at his sheet. “I’ve pretty much finished it. I’m just kind of wondering about this cultural festival thing. We didn’t really have that at my school. All I’m imagining is something out of an anime.”

Sebastian chuckled a little and rolled his eyes. “If only. Then it might actually be interesting… It’s kind of just really boring. Don’t worry about it too much… Want to come over to my place this weekend? We can go over everything then.”

Lucien frowned a little. “Ah, maybe. I’ve kind of started doing a bit of a part time job… Only managed to do late shifts.”

“Oh? That’s cool What are you doing?”

“Working late nights at a convenient store. Mostly on weekends and stuff.” Said Lucien. “Admittedly not the best since I still go to school, but hey I like the money and the work is pretty easy.”

“Huh. That’s pretty cool.” Sebastian had thought about getting a part time job but that was pretty difficult to do out in a small rural town. He thought that maybe he could look online for something like maybe doing some work from home? He’d heard about people stuffing envelopes or maybe transcribing? He was sure he could find something to do.

Lucien smiled a little. “Yeah. It’s good to make a little extra cash.”

“So it’s like just manning the register and stuff?”

“Pretty much.” Lucien hummed a little and looked back down at his work sheet. “I think I might have gotten the third question wrong. Check it?”

Sebastian took the worksheet and looked over the questions. “Um… Yeah, you used cos instead of sin.”

“Shit, really?”

“Yeah. Then you needed to subtract thirty degrees. Then you get the answer.”

“Huh… Alright.” He took it back and started correcting his mistake. He didn’t seem to be doing it with much enthusiasm or concentration. Not that he could blame him. Maths was boring.

Soon lunchtime happened and Sam and Abby were quickly bouncing idea off of each other. They were talking about making signs and pricing and table cloths. It was kind of boring to Sebastian but he had to talk about this stuff too with Lucien.

“We can make lots of poppy seed muffins!” Said Sam

“Can’t, those originated in the Gotoro Empire.”

“Damn it… What about plum pudding?” 

“You really want to make that much pudding?”

“... Good point. Cobbler and maple bars it is.”

“We can also make pink cake.”

“I like the way you think.”

Lucien looked up from his phone and frowned. “Do any of you know any Ferngill republic recipes for like dinners and snack and stuff? All of it’s like you know, Ferngillanized versions of other countries food. Any traditional food I can find is like indigenous food that we can’t eat because we aren’t indigenous… Did you know it’s illegal to eat snakes? I didn’t know that.”

Sebastian frowned a little and looked at his phone. “Really? Snake meat is illegal for white people? Why?”

“No idea.” Said Lucien. “Probably because there aren’t a huge number of snakes and commercializing it will drive them to extinction or something?”

“Makes sense… I thought you were going to do lucky lunch, fiddlehead risotto and survival burgers?”

Lucien shrugged. “Do roasted hazelnuts count as sweet or savoury?”

“Can’t. No nuts allowed at school.”

“Damn nut allergies.” Lucien kept looking through it. “Survival burgers could be good? How will we get all the stuff here?”

Abby grinned. “Oh, that’s easy. Sebastian’s mum has a truck and on the day she can just load up her truck and bring all the stuff to school. We just need to organise stuff with the teacher and we’ll have all the stuff here.”

“Huh, that’s pretty cool.” Lucien looked back at his phone. “I guess if we wanted to we could do burgers and the risotto.”

“You have any idea how to make risotto?” Asked Sebastian.

“Yep. It’s pretty easy in my opinion.” He smiled at Sebastian. “When I’m not sick I can cook pretty well. I’m just lazy. If you ever come over I’ll cook you something nice.”

Abby grinned at them. “Did you just ask Sebastian out on a date, Lucien?”

Both teens blushed and Lucien shook his head furiously. “What? No. You have it all wrong! You and Sam can come along too. I’m not giving him special treatment or anything.”

She laughed and lightly punched Lucien’s shoulder. “Calm down. I’m just messing with you. But hey, free food is free food. You owe us now.”

Lucien rolled his eyes. “You’re an ass Abby.”

“Leave my beautiful butt out of this conversation.” Whined Abby. “You boys just wish your asses were as thicc as mine. Y’all are flatter than window. You got no oomph! No bounce. No back bumper.”

Sam laughed. “Hey, we just need a butt to sit down comfortably. Flat or bootylicious it doesn’t matter as long as it works.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “You guys are so stupid…”

“But you love us.” Cooed Sam.

“... I will punch you in the face.”


	31. The Joja connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Lucien continues to make terrible life choices and Sam and Abby talk about porn. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :)

Once again Lucien found himself in an upscale hotel room. He had gotten curious about that man. He wanted to see if he would come back, and he did. He smiled and they talked for a few minutes before heading away. 

Once again they went through the same routine before, during, and after sex. That was fine. It had only been Lucien’s second time sleeping with a man but it already felt very routine. He didn’t mind. It was almost nice how easy things went.

The man was smoking a cigarette again. He smiled a little at Lucien. “You’re still just as good as you were last time pretty boy.”

“Hmm, same goes for you too.” Lucien slowly sat up, cringing a little at the twinge of pain in his lower back. “So, I’m curious. What do you do for a living anyway?”

The man chuckled a little and gave him a suspicious look. “What? You planning on blackmailing me or something?”

“Nah, I’d rather just know how long it’s going to be till I end up as a corpse in a dumpster somewhere.”

The man laughed. “Ha, you’re a funny guy pretty boy. I work for Joja. I have a managerial position in my division.”

“Huh, alright. That’s pretty cool. Explains why you can afford taking me to these kinds of places every time.”

The man took a long drag from his cigarette. “One of the perks of having money. You get to go to fancy places.” He offered Lucien his cigarettes. “You want one?”

“No thanks. I don’t want to start smoking.”

“Good. It’s a terrible habit to have.” He stubbed it out and smiled softly at him. “So pretty boy, it’s the second time we’ve met up like this. What is your name?”

“My name? Tell me your name first and you might learn what pretty boy’s name is.”

The man smiled. “My name’s James.”

“Lucien.”

“Lucien. That’s a nice name for a pretty boy like you. Want to make this a regular thing?”

“Hmmm, it depends. I have stuff on during the week.”

James nodded in agreement. “Me too. Joja pays well but they make you work for it… What do you do for a living anyway?”

“Nothing. I’m a student.”

James raised an eyebrow and gave him a skeptical look. “A student?”

“Eighteen so don’t worry.” Lied Lucien. “Besides, what sane teenager would go out and fuck adults?”

He shrugged. “Eh, I guess. Let’s meet up next Saturday. Same time same place. I’ll get you a phone if you like. It’ll make it easier to contact you. Or you can put it in your actual phone. I don’t mind.” He checked his own phone. “Hmm, I’m going to head out soon. Here.” He gave Lucien some money and started to get dressed. “Are you good for Saturday?”

“Yeah. Saturday is fine James.”

Once he was done getting dressed, James left and Lucien started to count his money. It was a fair amount again. The more he thought about it the more he wondered if James was kind of becoming more like a sugar daddy or something? That was a strange thought. He didn’t think this was how things would turn out but it was okay.

Lucien collected his own clothes, dressed, and headed back to his own apartment. He reflected on his life choices and what brought him to this situation. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it might have been. He still kind of expected that at any second this James guy might turn out to be a murder or a serial killer of something and murder him at some point. He still didn’t mind the thought of it though.

Honestly this was probably the best thing he could hope for. He didn’t have any plans or hopes for the future. Being some rich guys toy was fine with him. It was better than nothing. And he managed to catch the eye of some big-wig Joja guy. Pretty much everyone had an idea about what they wanted to when they got out of school, but Lucien didn’t. He saw nothing past graduating. This was his best case scenario.

***

It didn’t take too long for Lucien to find more information on James. Joja was a huge conglomerate that did everything from grocery chains to pharmaceuticals. They had their fingers in pretty much every pie that one could think of. James seemed to be the regional manager for their grocery chain in Zuzu city. It was Joja’s biggest branch after all.

Sam looked over his shoulder and frowned a little. “Why are you looking at Joja stuff? Thinking of getting a job with them or something?”

“He already has a job.” Said Sebastian. “He does late shift at some convenient store in Zuzu.”

“Oh that’s cool.” Said Sam.

Abby rolled her eyes. “You do know Joja practically owns all the 24/7’s convenience stores so he would technically be working for Joja anyway. Is it a 24/7’s?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you’re technically working for Joja.” Said Abby. She sighed a little as she took a few photos of a page in a book on her phone. “They just control everything these days… Ugh, I’m starting to sound like my dad.”

The group had decided to go to the library during lunch for homework for all different subjects. Sam was trying to do his music theory assignment, Abby was pulling her hair out over her maths homework. Sebastian didn’t like his geography homework. Lucien was just doing worksheets. He had finished most of them which was why he went about looking up who James was.

Lucien smiled at Abby. “Well I’m the kind of weirdo that was thinking that maybe I might try and move up in the world. Like maybe one day I’ll sell out and move up the Joja ladder. I already have an in with one of the higher ups. I might as well see where things go from here, right?”

“How do you know a big-wig?” Asked Sam curiously.

“Guy’s like the regional manager or something.” Said Lucien. “He comes in sometimes and buys stuff. He’s nice enough to me.”

Sam hummed a little and looked over at the picture of the man on Lucien’s phone. “He looks like what? Fifty? Has to be at least fifty at the youngest. What do you guys think?”

The other two looked at the picture. Abby raised an eyebrow and gave Lucien a suspicious look. “Boy, if I were you I’d stay away from that man.”

“What? Why?”

“He’s a shit lord in a buisness suit. Those douchebags are all the same. They splash their cash, thinking they can buy whatever they want because they have money. Besides a guy like that only likes young people like us for one reason; to fuck. If that guy starts taking a liking to you. You nope out of there before he owns your twink ass.”

Lucien would have mentioned how that kind of already happened, but that would just lead to more questions at this point. “Come on. He’s a harmless old guy.”

Sebastian frowned and gave Lucien a stern look. “Listen, you know most sexual assaults are committed by men, right? We’re just young, stupid, teens. Stay the hell away from a guy like that. Teens shouldn’t really be hanging around adults like that anyway. Who knows what their motivations are?”

Lucien already had some idea what his motivations and intentions were. They were all physical. But he really didn’t mind or care about it. James was nice enough to him and he honestly never cared if he suddenly turned around and murdered him. Death happened to everyone and as long as he made it quick Lucien didn’t mind too much. But he didn’t want to worry his friends.

“Fair enough. It’s not like I’m going anywhere with him or something.” An obvious lie, but he didn’t want to make them worry. Heck, he was pretty worried about what he was doing, but he wasn’t at the same time. Contradicting emotions. “I’m just looking at stuff right now. Thinking ahead and all that.”

Abby rolled her eyes and lightly nudged him with her elbow. “How dare you think about your future. What are you? Responsible or something?”

“I’m trying.” He finished writing off the last sentence on his worksheet and put it away in the corresponding workbook. “Well, I’m going to go and pee now. I’ve been drinking way too much water anyway. Back in a bit.” He left his stuff and walked off to the bathroom.

The library was on the second floor by the staff room. Surprisingly the closest bathroom was actually on the floor below. It wasn’t that far to get to or anything. It was just a slight inconvenience but it was better than nothing.

On the way down he happened to bump into Alex who was heading up. Once again he was alone. Maybe he was going to see a teacher or something? Either way he smiled at him. He was a little more confident about flirting around men right now. 

“Hey Alex. What’s up?”

“Huh? Oh um, nothing much. Just trying to find the swimming coach. The gridball coach needs to get something from her. You seen her?”

“Isn’t she also music teacher? Just call her the music teacher.”

“Oh well I don’t take that elective so I just know her as the swimming coach.”

“I see…” He smiled a little at him. “You have any spare cash on you Alex?”

Surprisingly it took only a moment for Alex to pick up on what Lucien was talking about. “Oh um I… How much would a hundred gold get me?” 

It was hard to tell if Alex was being serious or just blurted out the first thing that came to his head no matter how stupid it sounded. Lucien just smiled at him and tucked a few strands of loose hair behind his ear. “Let’s just say it’s enough for me to seriously consider investing in a chapstick.”

***

In Sebastian’s eyes Lucien seemed to be getting better. Not really a lot, just little by little. So that was good. He seemed to be really distracted by this new job of his and thinking stuff up for the cultural festival. Granted it probably wasn’t a very good thing, over working himself so much he didn’t think about whatever messed up things were going on in his head.

It made him feel a little better when he thought of that. Things were fine. Everything was okay. Lucien was just being him. It was a good thing that he was getting his act together since he lived alone and didn’t really have a fallback plan if everything blew up in his face. At this rate he probably wasn’t going to go to uni or anything like that, but honestly it didn’t really matter that much.

He closed his book and rubbed his eyes. Looking at topographic maps was making his vision go all blurry. So many lines and junk. “Ergh… My eyes are bleeding.”

“That’s maps for you.” Muttered Sam. “Why do we have to look at classical musicians? They don’t play guitar in opera.”

“Because fuck you that’s why.” Muttered Abby. “Who are you looking at anyway? Mozart? Beethoven?” 

“Tchaikovsky.”

“Ah, the Russian guy that did all those ballets?” Asked Abby.

Sam nodded. “Yeah… I don’t like ballets they are so boring.”

“Every watched one?” Asked Sebastian.

“Where would I even watch one of those anyway?”

Abby shrugged. “Internet? Zuzu city? Tickets would be a bitch though. You’d just be hemorrhaging money.”

“How would you know?”

“My dad made a deal with me last year about withholding my pocket money for three months so he could afford to take my mum to see swan lake or something. Internet is so much better. Way cheaper. Pirate that shit.”

Sam fake gasped at her. “Abby, are you suggesting I download a ballet? Would you download a pizza? A car? Shoes?”

“Fuck yes.”

“... You make a compelling argument. Plus since we’re meant to be thinking more about our culture and shit it’s kind of appropriate that I pirate a ballet. Stealing is what white people do.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Sam, don’t you know anything from history? If you’re a straight, white, male then it is never stealing. Unless you are also stealing it from a straight, white man. Then it depends on who has the most money. The one with the least is in the wrong.”

“Huh… What if I am questioning?”

Sebastian and Abby looked at their blond friend in surprise. “Sam, you like the men too?” Asked Abby.

Sam shrugged. “Well the older I get the more I’m kind of looking at some guys the same way I look at girls… But like, only specific guys. I’m not sure what to think.”

“Maybe talk to Emily?” Suggested Abby. “She’s always going on about gender equality and stuff. She wears all those LGBT+ coloured pins whenever awareness week it is.”

“Huh I guess… Do um, do either of you kind of… You know?”

“Girls are sexy.” Said Abby calmly. “Plus you know, lingerie is hot. I still think guys are super sexy as all hell, but like, I think I might be more attracted to men? Eh, if I ever find a girl that I like I’ll happily date them.”

That seemed to make Sam feel a little more normal. “Oh, okay.” He gave Sebastian an expectant look.

“... I have an open mind.”

Abby grinned. “Yeah, he has eyes for our boy Lucien.”

Sebastian glared at Abby. “I will peel off your skin with a pair of needle nose pliers.”

She poked her tongue out and Sam just grinned. “Oh really? That’s pretty cool. He’s a nice guy. Think you have a chance with your guy crush?”

“You know, considering I got the shit beaten out of me every other day for a month last year by the jocks for being accused of being gay I find it offensive that you two would say that kind of stuff to me now.”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Yeah, okay. That was shit and stuff but damn it’s not the dark ages. If you ever liked a guy no judgement here. Sure if you do like a guy now I can see you repressing it because you got the shit beaten out of you. Like seriously, that shit is traumatic so I can understand you not wanting to explore those feelings. But, and this is a big but, just like why not explore a little? We’re still young.”

“I’d rather do that shit after high school.” Muttered Sebastian. “The whole, young teenage exploration of my sexuality kind of died after getting sucker punched. I’m saving that till uni or some shit.”

Sam nodded a little. “I can see that being a smart thing to do.”

Abby subtly poked Sam. “Hey, so you go on porn hub and stuff right? I can send you links to a few different kinds of male porn stars and amatures I look at if you send me some of the women you look at. What’s your type? Dad bods? Slim? Twink? Hunk? Thwunk? Maybe trans if you really want to see if your dick likes what your mind is processing?”

Sebastian groaned and put his head in his hands. “Why am I friends with you two?”

A few minutes later Lucien came back. He sat down and, took a few mints out of his backpack and popped them into his mouth before offering it to everyone else. “Mint? Mint? Mint? Refresh your breath?”

“Nah, we’re good.” Said Sam. He started to put his own things away. “Class is starting soon. We should probably get back to class now.” The group agreed and they started to make their way back to their next class.


	32. Making plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More things happen, the chapter. idk. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

“So you’re still in high school?” Asked James in mild surprise. It was just by chance they ran into each other. It was late in the evening and Lucien was walking around considering if he should buy ingredients to make something or if he should just get fast food. They bumped into each other near the train station and James had talked Lucien into going out to dinner with him.

They went to a relatively nice place. Not super upscale, up not fast food either. Just some classy place with a vaguely Italian name. Lucien had seen that place a few times when he walked by, but it was nice to actually be able to go in and eat.

Lucien smiled a little and drank his water. “You can be eighteen and still in high school. Senior year, getting held back, all that stuff. Were you expecting university student?”

James nodded a little and sighed. “Kind of… Well that’s good to know… So what are your plans after you graduate? Any universities in mind?”

“Not really. I think I might just do this for a little while. I’ll find out what I want to do eventually.”

“You know doing this sort of thing is dangerous right?” Asked James. “You’re lucky you caught my attention instead of the attention of someone else. Things could have ended pretty terribly for you.”

Lucien shrugged. “Yeah, but I’m pretty confident that I will be fine no matter what happens. You don’t have to worry about me James.”

He frowned a little at him but ended up just shaking his head. James seemed to know better than to medal in the affairs of other people. “Well I’m not your dad. You are responsible for your own choices.” He took a business card and a pen out of his pocket. He quickly wrote down a number then handed it over to him. “Here, my card. If you ever feel like quitting this and doing something else ring the number on the back and tell them James sent you. You’ll pretty much be guaranteed a basic job at one of the factories.”

Lucien nodded a little and turned the card around in his hand. “And I assume if I called the other number I’d be speaking to you?”

“Pretty much. I’ll call you when I want to meet and you call me if you want to meet. Shouldn’t be too difficult right?”

Lucien shrugged and put the card in his pocket. “It’s easier than maybe meeting where we usually do… But speaking of this arrangement, will we be going to a hotel tonight?”

“Ah, best not. I have an early meeting.” Admitted James. “I was just planning to have dinner then head home by myself.” He put a bit more emphasis on by himself part than what seemed normal. “Besides, isn’t it technically a school night for you? You should be getting up bright and early.”

“Are you making fun of me or something?”

The older man laughed a little. “No, no, no. Just trying to be clear. But anyway, are you doing anything this weekend?”

“I have a few things to buy for a multicultural festival at school and homework. But apart from that I should be fine. Why? You thinking of doing something that will take all day with me or something?”

“Keep your Saturday evening free. I’ll message you the details later.”

Lucien nodded and quickly texted the number printed on the card. Seconds later James’s phone rang. He gave Lucien a surprised look. “So you have my number too.” He pushed around some of pasta on his plate. “So… I was wondering how would you classify this kind of relationship we have? Some kind of sugar daddy scenario thing or what?”

James thought for a moment. “I guess so. Is that a problem for you?”

“Nah, I’m fine with it. Like most people I feel a little more comfortable when I can put a name to something. That’s all.” He finished off the last few bits of pasta on his plate. “That was really good.”

“Yeah, they do some really good rustic Italian food here. Do you want to get dessert?”

Lucien shook his head. “No thanks. I don’t really eat desserts and stuff like that unless it’s for a special occasion.”

“Fair enough.” James finished his meal, paid for it, and called a taxi for Lucien to get home safely. He even slipped him a few hundred dollars too just for having dinner with him. On the way home Lucien looked up if there was a sexual fetish where rich people gave people money. As far as he could tell it seemed like it was called findom. 

Lucien sighed a little and went back into his apartment and went to his room. He had a few books and pieces of paper scattered around his bed. His plan was to just grab something to eat then head home to eat it. Having dinner with James changed that. With much reluctance Lucien sat on the bed and started to work through it.

***

“We should do something.” Said Abby as she stared up at the clouds on the school roof. “Like after the festival and junk. Like, huge sleepover at my place! We can all camp out in that huge hall area and stuff in my place. It’ll be fun. Do you have a sleeping bag Lucien?”

Lucien shrugged and pointed up at a cloud. “Don’t have one. Does that cloud look like a whale to you?”

She squinted a little. “... Yeah. A whale that got punched by a boat. You’re still coming over to the sleepover.”

“Won’t your parents think it’s weird for three boys to have a sleepover at a girl’s house?”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Yeah, because we’re going to have this big fucking orgy because we are all horny teens that can’t keep it in our pants. I swear you’re all the same.”

Today they were having gym outside. Abby faked twisting her ankle and was sent to the bleachers. Lucien was sent to the benches after his back spontaneously spasmed and he fell over during warm up and couldn’t get back up. He did crawl over to the bleachers and joined Abby. He had a sneaking suspicion he had bruised his tailbone or strained it or something.

Sebastian probably would have tried to get out of sport as well, but they were doing cricket today and the other team was bowling, so he just had to stand out in the field and do nothing. He seemed fine with that.

“Look, I just know parents don’t like their daughters around boys.” Muttered Lucien. “Besides I have no idea what goes on at sleepovers. Never been invited to one.”

Abby gave him a confused look. “Really? Well now you have to sleepover at my place once all this other crap is over. You’ll love it or at the very least enjoy it somewhat… It won’t mess with your job though right?”

“My what? Oh, nah.It’ll be fine. My boss is pretty cool like that.” He looked out over the playing field and frowned a little when he saw a few of the preppy jocks and cheerleaders. “Those guys still giving you trouble?”

Abby glanced over at them and rolled her eyes. “Well next year I won’t have to deal with any of those braindead assholes. Did you know that Stacey has a sugar daddy?”

“... Oh? Really?”

“Yeah. Some old guy that runs some cotton factory.” Said Abby. “Everyone knows it but won’t say anything about it. She’s such a slut.”

“... Heh, yeah… A slut… But if like guy wants to pay her to do that stuff isn’t he just as bad as her or more so?”

Abby thought for a moment. “I guess… Still, Stacey is an idiot. Like seriously, who does that kind of stuff anyway? Like, willingly? It’s not like she has money troubles. Her family is well off… Unless her parents cut her off again. Wouldn’t be the first time. There was a rumour going around for a bit that she’d suck a dick in exchange for shit like shoes and jewelry.” 

“Oh…”

“Yeah. Pretty fucked up… Like, I don’t care if you do that thing when you’re out of school and stuff, but for fuck sake you shouldn’t be doing that when you’re still in school. That shit’s messed up.”

“I guess…” He felt sick. Of course what he was doing was wrong. He knew it but that was okay. Maybe. He wasn’t sure. But he really couldn’t tell anyone about what he was doing. It would be fine if he just kept this to himself. Everyone would think he’s disgusting for doing what he’s doing. But that’s okay. He just needed to wait this out for the rest of the year and then he would be fine. He’d be fine. He would be...

Lucien’s phone went off. He blinked a little in surprise and gestured for Abby to cover for him. She rolled her eyes and moved so she was sitting on the bench in front of him. “Go ahead. Just keep it quick.”

“Will do.” He quickly looked at his phone and was surprised to see it was a text from James. Just the person he was kind of thinking of at this moment.

_Are you allergic to anything? Food? Pollen?_

_Shellfish and tea tree oil. Why? What are you planning?_

_Just making plans for Saturday. You’re still good for that right?_

_Yeah. I’m fine. Remember how I said I was still in high school? I’m in the middle of PE right now._

_Right, sorry about that._

_I’ll message you later ;)_

_;)_

Lucien felt like he was kind of cute how James used a silly winky face emoji. Trying to be all hip with the youth and all that. It made him want to laugh. Of course this was cringy, but it was almost endearing in a way.

“You done yet?” Asked Abby.

“Yeah, I’m done.” He put his phone back in his pocket.

“Who was that?”

“An old friend.”

“Huh, okay… And Sam’s eating dirt again.” Muttered Abby. True to her words the lanky teen had gone to bat and tripped over his own feet when he hit the ball. “You okay there Sammy?!” She called. Sam just rolled onto his back and gave a thumbs up before he sat up. “Yeah, he’s fine. Our little blond idiot is fine.” 

“That’s good. How’s the emo going?”

“Surprisingly he hasn’t melted nor has he collapsed under the heat of the sun… Good for him.”

Lucien laughed a little as he looked over at Sebastian. He looked extremely uninterested in everything that was going on.. He waved at him and the emo teen waved back. It made him smile. “Is this shit show almost over Abby? I want to get changed out of my gym clothes.”

“You and me both pal. I forgot to wash these last week so they stink a bit.”

“Hey, at least you don’t have teenage boy stink. That is a million times worse.”

“Fair enough.” She waved over to the teacher who reluctantly walked over to them to see what she needed. “Hey, can the two of us go and change out of this?”

The teacher sighed and nodded. “Yes Abigail. You and Lucien can go ahead and do that.”

“Sweet. Thanks.” Abby got up and slowly limped back to the change rooms. She needed to make sure that she played up her fake injury lest the teacher called her out on it. Lucien just chuckled and slowly started to follow her. His tailbone still hurt. Abby stopped for a moment for him to catch up with her. “Sooooo… how did you break your ass anyway?”

“I slipped and fell on a banana.”

“... Fine, keep your secrets.” She poked her tongue out at him and walked into the girl’s change room while Lucien went into the boy’s change room.

For once he would get changed out in the open like most of the other guys did since there was no one there. Usually he would have gotten changed in one of the bathroom toilet stalls. It was mainly because he was self conscious about his body and any possible markings James might have accidently left on him. He was a strong individual after all. He had found some bruises on his hips from where he had gripped him a little too hard.

But that was okay. In his mind it kind of made him feel a little special. It reminded him that there was someone out there want wanted him. Even if that want was just for his body someone wanted him. As broken and as dirty as he was someone was finding enjoyment in his broken body.

By the time Lucien was done lacing up his shoes everyone else started to filter in. He waved at Sam and Sebastian, laughing a little at the grass stains all over Sam’s clothes. “Wow you really ate shit out there, huh?”

“What can I say? I tripped. I’m as coordinated as new born animal with broken legs.” Whined Sam as he went to get his clothes.

Sebastian rolled his eyes and grabbed his stuff. “Sam, you’re less coordinated than that.” He glanced over at Lucien. “Don’t you need to get your stuff for the next class?”

“Yeah. See you guys soon.” He headed out to the change rooms and gave Alex a soft smile as he passed him. That made the brunet’s face explode into a blush, which just made it near impossible for Lucien to stifle his laughter. Alex was funny when he was all flustered like that. Maybe he’d pay him for something else before Friday? That might be fun.

As he walked away he couldn’t help but feel a few more eyes on him than usual, but that didn’t really matter to him. He just brushed it off. He was used to people looking at him and judging him. That was fine. They were nothing to him. Just another pair of eyes that looked at him and smugly judged him on his appearance. He sighed a little and headed to his locker.

“Hey, you’re Lucien, right?” Asked one of his classmates. Some guy he didn’t really know much about, but he seemed to have a slightly fake look about him. Probably his smile. Yeah, it was that smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. Kind of unnerving.

“Yeah?”

“Cool. I was wondering if you would be interested in taking one of these.” He took a flyer out of his pocket and handed it to him. It was some kind of flyer for some religious club. A Book of Yoba study club. Perfect. The religious kids were after him now.

“Um, thanks?”

“Well, none of us were sure if you were religious or not and none of us had much of a chance to talk to you. You’re always running around and hanging around… those people… But we thought it wouldn’t hurt to ask.”

“Thanks… but I don’t believe in Yoba.” Admitted Lucien. “So like, thanks for invite, but I don’t think he’s real in the slightest.”

The other teen seemed to take some offence to that. “What? So you’re saying Yoba can’t possibly be real at all because you can’t understand him? Is that it?”

“Hey, calm down. I just don’t believe in Yoba. That’s not a big deal. Just because I don’t believe it doesn’t mean you can’t believe it.” Lucien don’t want to have this conversation today.

Suddenly Sam came up behind him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Hey there Lucien. You making friends with Noah? Hi Noah. Still harassing people?”

Noah glared daggers at Sam. “We were just having a conversation and he just went and started saying anti religious things.”

Sam laughed. “You know someone saying they don’t believe in Yoba doesn’t mean they are being anti religious you poorly mouthed muppet.”

“Who’s a muppet?” Asked Sebastian. But as soon as he saw Noah he cringed. “Oh, that muppet. Fuck off Noah. Lucien’s not interested in your book of Yoba thumping ways. You and your little cult of yes men can go and rot in the far flung past of humanity.” 

“Oh, big words coming from a dreg such as yourself.” Scoffed Noah. “You weren’t fooling anyone last year. Everyone knows you’re one of them. Even if you pretended to date Abigail-”

“Someone called?” Quipped Abby as she suddenly popped up out of nowhere. “Oh, it’s just you Noah. What backwards, bull shit, hypocritical quote do you have to parrot to us today? Is it how we’re going to the Void when we die, how dark clothes are the devil, or how sex before marriage is going to make their dicks fall off and my cunt rot?”

Noah quickly became flustered by Abby’s words. “Why you… you… you-”

“-You, you, what Noah? Cat got your tongue?” She asked. “Maybe you’re just frustrated? You’d be less stressed if you remembered to jerk one off in the shower once in a while. Hey, maybe if you’re nice to us we’ll invite you to the next gang bag. You can be the cum dump and everyone can fuck you with their dicks and strapons till you yourself can’t cum anymore and pass out. Though if you pass out that’s no guarantee some of the people there won’t stop using your ass. Boy by the end of it you’re ass is going to be gaping so wide you’ll be able to use bowling balls as anal beads.”

“You’re disgusting!” Snapped Noah as he stormed off. “May Yoba have mercy of your filthy souls!”

Abby rolled her eyes. “Whatever you say cum dump.”

Sam stared at her in shock. “Fucking hell Abby, tell us how you really feel.”

“Ah, shut up Sam. We’re going to be late.”

The boys followed Abby to the next class due to a mix of being both dumbfounded and in awe of the verbal murder she just committed in front of them. Though in the back of Lucien’s mind he felt that maybe this wasn’t going to be the last time he saw Noah.


	33. Yobists and French wine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I have pretty much realized that this story is pretty much just spiraling more and more into depressing stuff. Let me know what you all think about this? Should like, Lucien tell Sebastian what's going on? Should he just discover it? I'd like to bounce some ideas off people. Kudos and comment if you can... Enjoy :D

Lucien was right about Noah, well kind of. The next day he felt like he was getting followed around by Noah’s weird group. He knew some of them probably had good intentions but for some dumb reason they believed everything Noah was spewing. He really didn’t want to deal with their bullshit anymore.

During class the teacher called on him and a girl to go and fetch some papers from the office that they failed to collect before class started. Classic. However it wasn’t until about halfway down the hall that Lucien noticed the Yoba symbol around her neck. Much to his annoyance his quick glance at her choice of necklace made her beam at him.

“Do you like my necklace? My grandma gave it to me.”

“Right… What was your name again?”

“Rachel. And you’re Lucien. Noah talked about you a lot during our book of Yoba study last night.” She said happily. “Looks like you’re the new group project.”

This was the last thing Lucien wanted to hear. “Group project? Does this mean you’re going to try and convert me?”

Rachel shook her head. “Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. We’re just going to ask you to come to meetings and do our best to try and be your friend. If you happen to convert well that’s just super.”

“... And if I decide to not go to your meetings or convert?”

“Well that’s just fine. We’re more interested in your friendship than converting you. Noah’s been saying you’ve been hanging around… And some of us have seen you talking with… Not the best people.” Rachel awkwardly pretended to tuck her hair behind her ear. “But anyway, we’d like to get to know you.”

“Thanks but no thanks. I’m happy where I am. Me and religion don’t really mix.”

“... What do you mean?”

“Well there are certain ideas that I don’t agree with and a lot of logical fallacies and stuff like that. Just like… I find it all weird and confusing so I just stay away from it.”

“But you’re just living in sin if you do. We at least want to help the student body put themselves on the morally righteous path.”

What the hell did that even mean anyway? What was the morally righteous path anyway? Civilizations have formed and developed over time without Yoba. Yobaism was relatively new in terms of religion anyway. But he didn’t want to cause too much trouble with Rachel. He just wanted to get these papers for the teacher and go back to ignoring them.

“Can we just get these papers and go back to class? I don’t need a sermon.”

“But it’s very important to talk about this kind of stuff now.” Said Rachel. “Teenagers are at the precipice. We are so close to giving into sin and doing all kinds of sinful things.”

“... You mean sex?” Asked Lucien. He was trying to be calm but he knew that it was going to be difficult when it came to this topic. “Sex isn’t as bad as people seem to think it is. It’s natural.”

Rachel looked horrified to hear that. “But that is an act meant to be reserved for man and wife. Teenagers shouldn’t be having sex with each other just because they feel like they should. We shouldn’t even be learning about those kinds of sinful acts.” Her face was becoming red with embarrassment. “Doing those kinds of things is just… it’s disgusting.”

Of course. Of course he was disgusting for doing those kind of things. In the eyes or practically every religious person he was just trash. Broken. Filthy. Irredeemable. Sex was something he couldn’t be having if anyone was meant to find him good or pure in any kind of regard. Then again he knew he’d never been pure from the start.

He clenched his teeth and took a few deep breaths through his nose to try and calm himself down. “It doesn’t matter who sleeps with who. As long as it’s consensual who gives a fuck? Religious stuff like this shouldn’t be giving their opinion on this. They don’t know anything about sex.”

She looked shocked to hear him say that. “But sex is meant to be only for married men and women… Lucien, have you done it with a past girlfriend?”

“... Um.”

“You need to repent as soon as possible.” She said very quickly. “If you repent for what you’ve done Yoba will forgive you, and you should make sure your girlfriend has repented to. If you truly believe in Yoba they will wash your soul clean and it will be like nothing ever happened. Don’t you want to be forgiven?”

Lucien’s anger was quickly starting to bubble over and he started walking a little faster to get this whole thing over with. “After everything I’ve had to put up with Yoba should be asking me for forgiveness.” He ignored Rachel for the rest of the time they had to spend together. He didn’t care how much she tried to talk to him or tried to ask him questions.

***

Later that day when he went to his locker to change his books for his next class a few flyers for the book of Yoba study club fell out. It annoyed him so much. It annoyed Sebastian too who gathered the flyers and tore them up.

“They are fucking leeches.” He glared over at a group of modestly dressed students and made a satanic gesture towards them. They quickly became flustered and walked away while Sebastian glared daggers at them. “Last year I gave in and just went to one of their stupid meetings just to get them to leave me alone and oh boy it was a cluster fuck.”

“Was it really that bad?”

“Whole thing was about how evil being gay was, and how gays needed to be stoned, how gays need to repress who they are to make invisible sky daddy happy.” He glared at the teens that kept glancing over at them. “Those bastards were trying to gaslight me or some bullshit. To be honest it was really fucking scary. I half expected one of them to stab me in the back if I tried to leave early.”

“... Shit. That’s pretty messed up. Makes me almost want to come to school in the most stereotypical, flamboyant gay outfit that I can just to piss them off.” Mused Lucien. “... Then again I’d probably get the shit beaten out of me by the jocks and then lynched by the Yobaists.” 

“Yeah,,, probably not a good idea to do that. Just ignore them and eventually they’ll find someone else to catch their interest. Just wait till some other teen goes through depression of something then they’ll guilt them into joining their little cult to find purpose.”

“That’s pretty sad.”

“Yeah… Just don’t let them get to you. If they do just call me or text me or something. Okay? Just whenever. Call me whenever about anything.”

“I will. Thanks Seb.”

***

The weekend came around and Lucien was getting driven somewhere by James. He stared out the window and hardly paid attention to everything that flew by as he thought about what Sebastian had told him. If Sebastian really meant that would he be able to tell him about what he was doing this weekend? Would he be disgusted? Hate him?

Probably. His friends seemed to share very similar views and well, Abby was extremely negative towards that girl who had a sugar daddy. Sebastian probably had the same views, and Sam would too. He’d lose his friends and they would just abandon him like the broken thing he was. How would that be any different when they finally graduated? His friends would all be living in the same town and he would still be in Zuzu city.

He sighed sadly and that made James glance over at him for a moment. “Are you okay there?”

“Yeah. Just a little depressed about school. Some of the Yobaists think I’m gay and are probably going to try and convert me or something.”

The older man chuckled a little. “Wow, so there are still those kinds of clubs at school?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t let them bother you. Just try to forget about them. Besides, tonight’s just for the two of us.”

“True… So are you gay?”

“I’m pansexual.” Said James. “I just prefer my women a little older. Better safe than sorry these days since media keeps sexualizing adolescents. I almost feel like I need to ask for ID when I’ve gone to pick up a girl. I like my partners young, but not that young. You yourself are pushing it.”

Lucien laughed a little. “Wow, you have some morals?”

“You don’t think people who occasionally pick up sex workers have no morals?”

Lucien shrugged. “Well I’ve only heard bad things but that doesn’t really matter to much to me. That’s part of why I was fine with anyone picking me up. I was okay with someone finding me and killing me.”

“Depression?”

“Depression.”

“... Can you not afford to see a psychiatrist? I can pay for you to see one.”

“No thanks. I am already seeing a psychiatrist.” It was possible Lucien might actually need to see his own therapist and not just get updates on his aunt from one at this rate. “Where are we going anyway?”

“Restaurant on the wealthy part of town. It’s a French place.”

“Fancy.”

James laughed a little. “You are easily impressed aren’t you?”

“Yep… Am I dressed well enough to go to a place like that?” He was just wearing jeans and a simple shirt. He kind of just expected tonight to mainly be about sex rather than going out to eat first. It was almost like going in a real date. Kind of.

“You’ll be fine Lucien.” Said James as he reached over and gently held his hand. “You look good. And if anyone tells us to leave because of how you’re dressed that’s there problem and they will find it difficult to procure their food shipments for a few months.”

“... Vindictive much?”

“I don’t like it when people wrong me Lucien. I’m more of an eye for an eye kind of guy.”

“Yeash, remind me not to dump you.”

James laughed. “Lucien, I don’t get that possessive of anyone if they want to leave. Humans are humans and they all have their own unique perspective and experiences. If people drift apart for whatever reason then that’s that. It really doesn’t matter too much to me in the long run. If you want to stop doing this I don’t mind.”

That was comforting to know. But he really didn’t know if his willingness to step back was a good thing or a bad thing in his mind. He was still very passive about his state of being. A small part of him was actually kind of excited about the possibility of being killed by James. Someday he could just wrap his hands around his neck and squeeze until he died. He wouldn’t mind that.

They got to the restaurant and Lucien let James order for him. He ended up eating some kind of rabbit thing paired with red wine. He hadn’t had wine before but it was good. Being here with James was nice. It was nice to feel wanted and needed. Even if it was conditional this was what he wanted. For now James wanting him was enough. They clinked their wine glasses together and Lucien let himself get consumed by the alcohol.

***

Another Saturday, another night he was trying to desperately hard to hide from his parents in his basement. It was easy enough to get Robin on his side. He just claimed he had more homework than he actually had. Demetrius on the other hand just scolded him for supposedly leaving everything to the last minute. Sebastian wondered when he would realise he wanted space? Probably never.

He just wanted to be alone for a while and had decided to finally take his Valkyrie figurine out of the box and actually find a place for her on his shelf. He sat at his desk and dressed her in both of her outfits to see which one he liked the best. Both looked damn good. Whatever company was making these did a fine job.

Once he had made up his mind he gave her the weapons she came with and placed her on his bookshelf. She looked nice between the amethyst and the photo of him and his friends from a few years ago.

He still couldn’t believe that Lucien had the gold to just get this for him. It really was something else. He was really a nice guy deep down. He was just a little strange sometimes. Maybe he was doing okay now? He looked over at his phone and contemplated calling Lucien. Yes, he would.

He picked up his phone and called his friend. It took him a few moments up Lucien picked up. He sounded kind of tired. “Yello?”

“Hey, Lucien? It’s me, Sebastian. You okay? You sound a little weird.”

“Huh? Oh yeah. Just had some wine. Had some in the house so I thought, fuck it. It’s the weekend. Time to live a little, you know?”

That… That didn’t sound right. Lucien shouldn’t have had wine in his apartment since he had moved in there at the start of the year. Maybe he’d found some way to get it? Like maybe he managed to convince some adult or something? He wasn’t sure. “So what are you up to tonight?”

“Nothing special. Just watching TV and drinking.”

“How often do you drink anyway? Thought you said you didn’t like that stuff?”

“Not that often. I just… Tonight was kind of special.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really… You know, sometimes I just can’t wait for the weekends. It’s the perfect time to just relax and forget about everything you know?”

“I guess… Do you want to hang out tomorrow?”

“...”

“Hello? Lucien?”

“Um, tomorrow might not be such a good time. Nursing a hangover and all that.”

“Oh, right.” Sebastian wasn’t too sure why he felt disappointed to hear that. Maybe he was just worried about Lucien? Yeah that had to be it. “I could come over in the afternoon?”

“You just want me to buy you the matching Neon action figure don’t you?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “So I can’t just want to hang out with one of my friends who happens to be working on a group project thing with me? That needs to be like finalised and stuff by Monday?”

“Oh yeah that… Okay fine. Tomorrow afternoon. I’ll probably be over the worst of it by- FUCK!”

“LUCIEN?!”

“S-sorry. Watching a horror movie. Jump scare. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Be at my place around like… two.”

“Okay. Later.”

“Bye.”

Sebastian hung up and continued to stare at the screen of his phone. Something about the way he was talking seemed a little off. But that was okay. He’d be able to check on him tomorrow and make sure he was okay.

***

Lucien hung up his phone and put his hand over his heart. “Fucking hell James, don’t slam the breaks on so suddenly.”

The older man laughed a little and gave Lucien a sympathetic look. “Sorry Lucien. I can’t control the traffic lights. I wouldn’t have made it anyway and I’d rather not get a ticket or something.”

“Fine…”

“Soooo… Who was calling you?”

“School friend. Making sure we are going to still do our group project thing for multicultural day, or whatever.”

“I see… So, do you want to call it quits tonight and head home now?”

Lucien shook his head. “No. I’m happy to continue. I just need some extra money for a cab tomorrow. I need to be home before two.”

James nodded and the two were quiet for a moment before James spoke up again. “You could have just said you were with your boyfriend, or is your friend homophobic?”

“What? No. I just… He worries about me a lot.” Lucien smiled a little to himself and gazed out the window. He wished he could see the stars in Zuzu city, but there was always way too much light pollution to do so. It was a shame. “He tries to act all cold and uncaring but he’s a really nice guy. He’s always checking in on me to make sure I’m okay, and he’s been trying to convince me to move in with my grandpa way, way out in the countryside.”

“Why?”

“Secrets James. Secrets.”

“Fair enough.” They drove a little out of the city and into the extremely wealthy and affluent suburbs. James then pulled into a gated community and pulled into the driveway of a house that looked like a mansion. “Welcome to my home.”

“... Wow, your place is huge.”

“It is, but hey, I like it. Come on.” 

He got out of the car and Lucien quickly followed. He smiled a little at his older lover. “You going to give me the grand tour tonight?”

“If you could stay the weekend I would, but since it’s just the night I’ll just be showing you to the bedroom for now pretty boy.” 

Hearing him say that made Lucien shudder with excitement. Yes, he was a pretty boy. James’s pretty boy. That was good. He wanted that. He wanted James to desire him. To desire something as twisted and broken as him. As long as James wanted to use his filthy shell for his own pleasures he would let him. Anyone that wanted him had full rights to his body.

He smiled sweetly at James. “Well stop stalling and lead the way.”


	34. JOLT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started this story I was actually going to name it JOLT because I was inspired by the song of the same name to write this. JOLT is by Unlike Pluto. Look up a lyric video on YouTube if you are interested. Either way strap in and enjoy the emotional rollercoaster that's coming up. (more of a rollercoatser than what has happened so far? Damn right it is) Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy.

James was kind enough to drop Lucien off in front of his building around midmorning. It gave Lucien enough time to have a shower, make himself some food and cover up any bruises from the previous night. James had suggested a bit of light bondage which Lucien didn’t object to. He could only imagine what James might have suggested they do if they could have spent the whole weekend together.

Maybe he would bring that up soon? They would get together Friday night and then spend the whole weekend together. He’d get James to drop him off at the bus stop on Monday morning so he would make it to school on time. If that happened he’d probably end up tied to a bed or something else for the whole weekend. 

It wasn’t a very pleasant thought but at the same time it gave him some small amount of comfort for some reason. Maybe he was starting to develop his own kinks or fetishes or something? Maybe he was just really fucked in the head. He had no idea. Either option seemed fine at this point.

Lucien sat on the couch and started to look up BDSM on his phone just to have a vague idea of what James might intend to do with him. Unfortunately the first few things that came up were that trashy and inaccurate book series, a few murders related to BDSM, and a video about autoerotic asphyxiation. He needed to get a better web browser or something. Maybe look up BDSM for beginners or something?

There was a knock at his door and he went to answer it. There was Sebastian at the door. “Hey.”

“Hey… So you have a hangover?”

“I got over the worst of it. Come on in.” He didn’t really like lying to Sebastian about what he was doing but it was better than admitting the truth. He’d end up telling his friends all about what he was doing when he wasn’t at school. But maybe that would be a good thing? If everyone in Pelican town knew what kind of filth he was then none of them would want him to move in to town.

Sebastian sat on the couch while Lucien went to the kitchen. “Want anything to drink? I recently bought Joja cola vanilla. It’s pretty good if you want a can. It’s either that or just water.”

“Um yeah. Sure.”

Lucien got them both a can and handed Sebastian his as he sat on the couch next to him. He still wasn’t sure why Sebastian had asked to come here. It was easy enough to talk to him over the phone. Why would he want to come and see him?

“So… You came over for the project thing, right?”

“Kind of… I was a little more concerned about hearing that were were drinking.” Admitted Sebastian. 

“Don’t you and your friends drink?”

“Yes, but we drink as a group. None of this drinking alone shit.”

“Oh. Okay.” Lucien was suddenly very interested in his can of Joja cola and randomly pulled at the pull tab.

“So why were you drinking?”

“Hmm? Do I need a reason?”

“You said it was a special night. I was just wondering why it was special to you.”

“... E-every Saturday is special. It’s a day to sleep in and withouts school.” He hadn’t really thought his lie completely through when he first said it. Now he had to roll with it. He could do it. It wasn’t too hard. Maybe. “I just kind of felt like it.”

“Huh, okay.” Sebastian drank his joja cola and frowned a little. “I can’t taste the vanilla.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty subtle, huh?” Lucien still had yet to try his own joja cola. He was still holding the can and playing with the pull tab. As he did he noticed a slightly red mark around his wrist. If he noticed then Sebastian would notice it too. He’d then ask questions and then everything would spiral out of control.

He’d think he was disgusting wouldn’t he? Sebastian wouldn’t want to be around him anymore would he? He was disgusting. Everyone would know how disgusting he was. But he just wanted this, right? His mind was once again panicking and going through the motions of pulling him in two vastly different directions. He wanted everyone to know he wasn’t a good person. That he was damaged and broken so they would stay the fuck away from him. He also wanted people to like him and think of him as a good person.

Lucien hated this. He wanted to die. He felt a ball of anxiety quickly building up in his chest. It made him feel sick. Sebastian would truly hate him. Everyone would hate him. Everyone would know how broken he was. Not even James would want to be associated with him if he ever found out the truth.

Sebastian’s hand brushed up against his arm and Lucien dropped his can. “Shit.”

“Fuck, sorry about that.” Muttered Sebastian. “Good thing you didn’t open it huh?”

“I guess…” They both reached down to grab the canat the same time. As Lucien beant down to grab it the fabric of his jumper shifted slightly. It was just enough for a small bit of rope burn to show through. He quickly pulled back and grabbed at his wrist. He didn’t want Sebastian to see it.

But Sebastian noticed his reaction. Of course he noticed this reaction. “Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine…” Lucien needed a distraction. He needed to deflect Sebastian’s interest. “I um, you see…”

Sebastian grabbed hold of Lucien’s arm and pulled down the sleeve. There was no hiding the rope burns now. The raven haired man looked shocked. “Lucien… Where were you last night?”

Lucien pushed him away and pulled his sleeve back down. “No where. L-look I had an elastic band tied around my wrist last night and I just-” He swallowed thickly and felt like he was going to spiral into a panic. But this was good right? Now Sebastian wouldn’t waste time with him anymore. He’d tell Abby and Sam too. Then they wouldn’t bother with him either? That was fine right? Right? That was what he wanted. 

Why did his chest feel so tight? His throat was so dry. He felt dizzy. He couldn’t breath. Was he having a panic attack? Probably. This had to be it. He was having a panic attack. Maybe he would just faint and that would be the end of it? Please Yoba let that happen.

However before he could, Sebastian slapped him in the face pretty fucking hard. “... Thanks I think?”

“Don’t mention it…” Muttered the other teen. “Look, something bad obviously happened to you. Look, I’m not going to judge but like, if you’re in trouble or anything I can help you.”

Help? That was rich. Sebastian was a teenager. What the fuck could a fucking teenager do to help him. “Help me? You want to help me? How the fuck could you help me? Do you really think talking to me and listening to all my woes will help?”

“... I won’t know unless you tell me.” Sebastian seemed nervous, but at this point it didn’t really matter too much to Lucien. He was already going down a spiral of self destruction. Might as well burn everything around him till there was nothing left.

“It all started a few months after my mum suddenly died.” He was going to start from the beginning. Sebastian might as well know just what kind of filthy creature he had decided to be friends with. “Things just rapidly went down hill for me when I started to live with my aunt.”

He explained how his dad was abusive before he forced Lucien’s aunt and uncle to look after him. He went into detail about how she was always kind to him and how his uncle was a gentle giant. Then tragedy struck, his uncle died, his aunt’s mental health spiraled so far out of control she couldn’t tell reality from fiction. How she unintentionally abused him for weeks over the holidays. How he finally snapped and tried to kill a teacher. He went into detail about how his aunt was taken away and how when his dad heard about it he almost completely cut off ties with him apart from money. Then again he assumed he was just giving him money out of obligation till he was a legal adult.

Sebastian looked extremely uncomfortable through the whole story. A few times he looked like he was going to say something but he kept quiet. Lucien was thankful for that. If Sebastian stopped him now there was no way he would be able to start again.

Finally he went into more recent events. He mentioned how one of the jocks at school was bi curious and essentially paying Lucien to let him experiment with his body, there was no way he would actually mention Alex. Then he talked about James and how he had been having sex with him for a few weeks now and how he was James’s sugar baby.

By the end of it Sebastian looked like he was the one that had gotten slapped in the face earlier. “Wait, so you’re doing things with one of the assholes that attacked you at school? What? Have you been having sex in school?”

“What? Well… I’ve sucked his dick once and kind of let him touch me, but he hasn’t stuck anything inside me…”

“Right, because that’s what you’ve been letting your sugar daddy do.” Snapped Sebastian. “Was he who you were with last night? What the fuck Lucien! You’re fucking seventeen going off and fucking some old guy! That’s very much illegal. I’m pretty fucking sure that technically counts as rape, even if you consent, because you’re not eighteen.”

“Well that’s the only kind of sex I know how to have so it’s really no different from before.” Snapped Lucien. Of course Sebastian was going to get angry at him. He’d lied and tricked him into thinking he was just a normal, kind, innocent person. But instead he was disgusting. Completely rotten on the inside. “Besides, I’m pretty fucking sure it’s illegal for teenagers to be drinking and smoking pot too!”

“That’s completely different!”

“How the fuck is that different? It’s both technically illegal!”

“Drinking and smoking weed it’s the same as whoring yourself out for cash you fucking idiot!”

“... Did you just call me a whore?” Of course he was. He was just a whore. That’s all he was. At least Sebastian had the balls to confirm the truth to him. If he was any lesser person they probably would have tried to soften the blow. At least he told him how it was. “... Yes. You’re right. I am a whore. What else could someone like me be? I never fight back the second anyone shows vague interest in my body. I let them do what they want then get away as quickly as possible… It’s even worse since I’m letting men do those kinds of perverted things to me isn’t it?”

“What? No. That’s not what I meant. You’re a teenager. You shouldn’t be doing this kind of stuff in general.”

“It doesn’t matter Sebastian… I am a whore. Just whoring around. Practicing what I’m good at, at school. Learning a few finer points if you will. That’s what a school is for anyway, right? To learn things? Once I graduate I’ll end up relying on my sugar daddy for more things and you know what? That doesn’t seem like a bad thing to me.”

Sebastian just stared at Lucien in disbelief. “This is really fucked up. You shouldn’t be fucking people!”

“Why? Have something against sex workers now?”

“What? No. I’m against people using sex as a way of self harming, which is clearly what you are doing.” Said Sebastian. He looked like he was trying very hard to keep calm, bit it clearly wasn’t working. “You were brutalized by someone you trusted. Now you are repulsed by older women, but you still want someone older than you to abuse you. Which is why you’re fucking guys now. You feel guilty about what happened to your aunt and you’re just trying to punish yourself for shit you had no control over!”

Lucien rolled his eyes and give Sebastian a slow clap. “Oh wow, didn’t know you were a psychiatrist there Seb. Where did you get your PHD? The university of pulling shit out of your ass?”

“Fuck off with that! You know I’m right.” He clenched his teeth and took a few deep breaths. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about what you said. The first part anyway, not the whole sugar daddy and getting molested by some fucking jock.”

“... What are you talking about? I’ve never mentioned shit to you about my past.”

“When you were sick and high as fuck off your meds you thought I was your mum and told me all about how your oh so wonderful aunt raped you and how you think you just destroyed her life and deserved it.”

Hearing that was like getting punched in the gut for Lucien. Sebastian knew. He fucking knew. Well that explained why he was looking out for him so much. He was pitying him. Poor rape victim. He’s going to break down at any second because he’s a fucked up mess. What a disgusting mess. Let’s watch this trainwreck crash and burn just for fun. See how far they can spiral into despair and misery.

“Get the fuck out of my apartment.”

“Wait, that came out wrong. I-”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” Lucien grabbed Sebastian’s arm and started to pull him towards the door. “GET OUT!”

Sebastian looked slightly panicked and rightfully so. Lucien hadn’t yelled at anyone like his in ages. He did try to pull back a bit but when the adrenaline hit the human body could have momentary feats strength. Lucien opened the door and shoved Sebastian out before slamming it shut and locking it.

In that moment of quiet after the door locked, Lucien could feel the tears start spilling down his face. He was just a joke to Sebastian. Probably just a joke to Sam and Abby too. He was the outsider. He was always going to be the outsider. Sebastian probably told them everything and had a good laugh about what a fucked up mess he was. They weren’t his friends. He never had friends. All he did have, all he was ever going to have, was himself.

Then the knocking started. “Lucien? Come on Lucien! Please open up!” Called Sebastian. “Please! Let me explain… I wasn’t trying to hurt you… I’m sorry. Please… Please open up…”

Lucien tried his best not to sound like he was about to breakdown and cry. “G-go away… Just leave me alone… Leave me alone… please… Go away…” He wasn’t doing very well.

***

Sebastian felt like absolute shit. He knew he didn’t say the right things. He didn’t know how to process what Lucien had told him. He didn’t realise Lucien was doing this kind of stuff and it pissed him off. Lucien didn’t deserve this. He needed help from someone. Anyone. He could hear Lucien quietly sobbing from behind the door. 

He’d really fucked up. What was he meant to do to make this better? Should he stay? Should he go? Would Lucien even want to speak with him ever again? He had no idea. There was only so many times he could knock on the door and beg for Lucien to let him in.

He’d go for a walk, give Lucien some time to calm down, and then he’d come back and try again. “... I’ll be back in a bit. Don’t go anywhere or do anything dumb. Okay? I’ll only be a few minutes… Just wait for me. Okay?”

All Sebastian could hear was Lucien sob in response. It broke his heart, but he still left anyway. He walked down to the convenient store and bought A few drinks and some junk food. Sebastian didn’t have much of a plan or a reason for getting what he did, but he felt like he needed to give Lucien something to apologise in some small way.

As he walked back to the apartment he really hoped that Lucien would let him in. He went over what he wanted to say to Lucien in his head. Firstly he was going to apologise for getting pissed off. Secondly he was going to explain why he thought Lucien needed to stop doing what he was doing. How it was causing him more harm than good. Hopefully Lucien would see he was trying to help him and actually get help.

As he waited at the traffic lights to cross the street to get to Lucien’s apartments he was surprised to see the teen actually walking out of the building. He couldn’t tell from this distance if he was still crying, but he seemed alright? Maybe? 

He watched Lucien walk down the street, approach some red aston martin, and get inside. Sebastian’s jaw dropped in shock. He knew instantly that the man driving that car had to be Lucien’s sugar daddy. Did Lucien really call him the second he had headed out of the building? What was he thinking? He shouldn’t be with that person right now.

Before they pulled away Sebastian quickly pulled out his phone and snapped a picture of the licence plate. He didn’t really know what he could do with this, but he needed to do something. What was he meant to do now?

***

Lucien sighed heavily as he watched the world fly by. He made such a huge mistake telling Sebastian everything, but in a way it was a good thing. He never needed to worry about what his friends would think about him being raped. From Sebastian’s reaction it was obvious that everyone would think he’s nothing more than a disgusting whore. What else could he be at this point?

“Did your talk with your friend not go well?”

“Hmm?”

James glanced over at him for a moment and smiled a little before going back to watching the road. “You said you needed to talk to your friend last night. Now you’re here, in my car, after begging me over the phone to come by and take you away. What happened?”

“... He saw the rope burns on my wrist and kind of freaked out… Then I freaked out and now he knows I’m whoring around like the dumb useless slut that I am.”

“Oh… Sorry about that.”

“Not your fault. I asked you to make it tighter. You actually loosened it…” He sighed a little and nervously clamped his hands together in his lap. He could see the rope burns. A small beacon that screamed his sins to the world. Now that Sebastian knew, soon everyone would right? Why not just double down on it? He might as well be the best whore he could possibly be. “So um… You’re into bondage?”

James nodded. “Yeah. Honestly I am into the more hardcore kind of stuff, but I’m not going to try and force my kinks on you like that.”

“I want to do more.”

“... Really?”

“Yeah. I like being restrained, in fact I think I prefer it. Can you tie me up more today? And um… Show me some more advanced stuff?”

James seemed a little hesitant at first, but nodded. “Sure. If that’s what you really want, but we are going to ease into it. Some of the more… ambitious things I really enjoy could hurt you a lot if you aren’t careful.”

“I don’t mind if it hurts. Actually I’d prefer it.”

“Masochist?”

“Looks that way.”

“... Well there’s a difference between pain being pleasurable and being in pain because you tore a ligament or had a disc slip… Do you do yoga?”

“No.”

“I highly suggest you start. You’ll be thankful for that little extra bit of flexibility in the long run.”

“Okay.” He looked back out the window and wondered what things James would make him do. It kind of made his stomach turn a little but he was starting to resign himself to the fact that he would be looking up porn on his laptop and phone. He didn’t want to do that because most porn seemed to be either straight or lesbian and he really, really didn’t want to risk seeing any woman that reminded him of his aunt. He’d just have to hope that gay porn had all that he would need to look at.

“So do you think you’ll make up with your friend?” Asked James.

Lucien shrugged. “I don’t think so. I think he’s done with me… and to be honest I’m kind of done with him. Once we’re done with our stupid class project I’m staying as far away from him as possible.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah I’m sure… I don’t need to be around people that look at me like I’m not human… Like I’m some kind of disgusting, pitiful, freak.”

“Fair enough.” They stopped at a red light and James leaned over, kissing Lucien. “You’re not disgusting or a pitiful freak. You’re just you, out there living your life. A stupid teenager like that just doesn’t understand what is really important. One day when he’s older and wiser he might, but for now he’s an idiot you shouldn’t give a fuck about. I like you just the way you are pretty boy.”

Lucien blushed and averted his eyes. Pretty boy. He called him pretty boy again. It gave him goosebumps and actually made him feel good about himself. James was right. He should just forget about Sebastian and everyone else. What did they matter? After this year they would all graduate and never see each other again. Their friendship was meaningless.

“Thank you James.”

“Don’t mention it pretty boy.”


	35. Blackmail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like more messed up stuff (not too messed up more like messed up with a slight happy twist? idk). Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

To say Sebastian was stressed as the understatement of the century. He knew something was up with Lucien. He just knew it. Right in the back of his mind he felt like something was a little off, but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. It was just what happened in the past that was messing with his head not things that were happening in the present. 

He didn’t know who he could turn to for help in this situation. He knew telling Sam and Abby wasn’t a good idea. They were just teenagers. What the hell could either of them do? Then that raised the question about what adult he should tell. He needed an adult. What would his mum say? Did she even have a right to know about this? Should he tell Mr Berg?

These were questions that kept swirling in his head as he stared up at the basement ceiling. He had waited for several hours at Lucien’s apartment before he had to leave and go home. Maybe he should have gone to the police? Tell them his friend got into some stranger’s car and gave them the licence plate? Probably nothing would have come from it anyway.

More than anything he felt guilty that he didn’t see what was happening right in front of him. Lucien was hurting so much and just not showing it to anyone. Why would he? He was convinced that no one would believe him if tried to get help for the abuse that his aunt was doing to him. 

He was probably trying to deal with his pain by himself and ended up falling into the arms of some pedophilic old man. He couldn’t tell if this was better or worse than Lucien taking a knife to his wrists. He just wanted Lucien to be safe. He’d texted him several times trying to get a response from him because he really wanted to know if he was still alive. He did get a response on the bus ride home.

_I’m deleting your number._

It tore at his heart strings when he read that but it was Lucien’s decision. Maybe if he had been better at speaking than things could be different now? They would have sat together and talked. Lucien probably would have cried and Sebastian would have held him and comforted him. They would talk and it would be fine. He’d convince Lucien to move to the valley. He’d live with his grandpa and all the insanity in Zuzu city would slowly vanish. He’d slowly start recovering.

Sebastian groaned in annoyance and attempted to smother himself with his own pillow.

Slowly the bedroom door opened up and Maru cautiously stuck her arm in and waved. “Hello? Is it safe to come in?”

“... If I said no would you leave me alone or go tell Demetrius I’m touching myself?”

“Ew. Are you seriously doing that right now?”

“If I said yes would you go away?”

“No. I’d give you a few minutes before I knocked again… Then maybe complain to mum if you didn’t let me in.”

Sebastian sighed and glared at her hand. “Just get in here already. What do you want?”

Maru quickly shuffled into the room and smiled sheepishly. “I um, I might have left my calculator at school and dad is in the field with his and mum’s is a basic one.”

He pointed to his pencil case on his desk. “In there. Don’t peel the stickers off it.”

“Trust me, I’m not going to peel off your demon skulls and frogs.” Maru went over to his desk and started to look through the pencil case. “So… You okay? You look a lot more stressed than usual. Did dad say something?”

“Hmm? What? No. Not him this time… One of my friends is going through some really fucking wild shit right now and I don’t know if I should talk to the police about it.”

“... What did Sam do?”

“It wasn’t Sam.”

“Abby?”

“Not her either.” He hated this. Talking with Maru about his own life. She would never be in this situation. She’d know just how to fix it… Actually, she might. As much as he hated to admit it, Maru was the smart one out of the two of them. “... Can I ask you a hypothetical?”

“A hypothetical?”

“Yeah. Some super crazy BS one Abby likes to throw around sometimes where no one wins.”

She gave him a skeptical look. “Is this going to be like a more fucked up version of would you rather?”

“Maybe? The question is pretty fucked up… You ready for it?”

She shrugged and leaned against his desk. “I guess. Lay it on me.”

“So imagine you have this friend. Male or female, doesn’t matter… And when they were really, really young they were raped by someone older of the opposite sex.”

“... If this is some church of Yoba joke I am not going to be pleased.”

“Let me finish. So that bullshit happened in the past and you didn’t know them then. But now that you do know them, and you find out they’ve basically been whoring around for a few weeks because they don’t know how to deal with their first trauma. What do you do?”

She frowned. “Okay, firstly I wouldn’t call it whoring around. Like seriously, don’t use words like whoring, slut, or any variations of those words if you talked to them. They would already feel like garbage enough and if you ask them why they are slutting it up they’ll probably feel even more like human garbage… That is assuming in this hypothetical this non gendered specific person willingly told you all this information?”

“... Yes?”

“Well don’t use shitty language people have been using to shame people into silence for centuries.” Said Maru calmly. She found the calculator and quickly started pressing buttons to make sure it was functioning properly. “Like, maybe I would ask them why they feel the need to have sex with other people? Is there something specific they are looking for? Basically a bunch of emotional questions you wouldn’t ask someone since you’re kind of a stone wall during the best of times.”

“... Thanks Maru. You’re such a nice young lady.”

“Hey, you asked my opinion. I gave it. You done with your hypotheticals? I have maths I need to get done.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just remember to give me back my calculator when you’re done.”

“Can do.” Maru vanished back up the steps and Sebastian was once again alone in the quiet.

What questions could he have asked Lucien at the time instead of just telling him stuff? Maybe why he was seeking older men? Why he was doing something so dangerous? Maybe ask if he actually enjoyed having sex with men? He really wasn’t too sure at this point. It didn’t seem like he was going to have the chance to say any of this to Lucien anyway. The other teen didn’t want to talk to him. He probably wasn’t going to go back to school on Monday anyway at this rate.

***

Much to his surprise Lucien was at school on Monday. He smiled and talked with Abby and Sam like it was nothing. He even smiled politely at him, showing no signs that he had done anything strange over the weekend. In fact when Sam asked him what he got up to over the weekend Lucien lied quite easily and talked about his job eating up most of his time.

It made Sebastian feel kind of sick. So whenever he talked about his part time job he was talking about having sex with some disgusting bastard? That was awful. It pissed him off and he wanted to yell at Lucien right then and there, but he really couldn’t. If he did Lucien would freak out and everyone at school would learn what he was up to. That wouldn’t be good for anyone.

The day went smoothly for the most part and when lunch came around Sebastian went to the roof as per usual. Sam wasn’t going to be there since he’d been allowed to use the music room for guitar practice and Abby was running around trying to find a teacher to answer some questions about an assignment she didn’t understand.

He half expected Lucien to see him and walk away, or just ignore him. Instead he just looked at him and smiled a little. “Hey.”

“Hey… Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine… Let’s just forget about what happened on the weekend. Okay?”

Sebastian was kind of surprised to hear that. “Forget it?”

“Yeah. Just pretend I didn’t say those kinds of things. Just act like it never happened.”

This made Sebastian feel a little uneasy. This wasn’t the kind of thing someone could just sweep under the rug and pretend it never happened. What Lucien was asking him to do wasn’t something Sebastian could genuinely do in good faith.

“... Look, I know I didn’t say what I needed to say correctly before. But I am really worried about you and what you’re doing to yourself.” He hoped that he wasn’t going to suddenly fuck this up like he did with everything else so far. “Look, you shouldn’t be having sex with people old enough to be your parent that’s just… It’s not right.”

“Thanks for your concern but I really couldn’t care less about what you think I should or shouldn’t do with my body. It’s mine to do with as I please.” Said Lucien with a cold, dead look in his eyes. It contradicted the warm smile on his face. “I like what he does to me. I like how it makes me feel. For a short while I don’t have to think about anything and just listen to what he tells me to do. It’s really quite nice to clear my head like that. He makes it enjoyable.”

Yoba, Sebastian hated how fondly Lucien talked about that man. “What do you think is going to happen when you turn eighteen? He’ll start seeing you less and less and go after someone younger. He’s a pedophile… You’re going to end up getting hurt again.”

“He thinks I’m eighteen.”

“... What?”

Lucien nodded. “Yeah. I’ve told him I’m eighteen. I’m not too far off from being that old anyway. I really couldn’t care less about how many months I am away from the right age to start having sex. I like what I like and I am fine with it.”

Sebastian was kind of shocked to hear this. “Why would you lie about your age?”

He shrugged. “The last time a man I was content with sleeping with found out I wasn’t eighteen they accused me of entrapment and stormed off. I’m not making that mistake again. Besides the guy that I am seeing now is pretty nice to me. He’s into some pretty hardcore BDSM stuff, but he always explains stuff before hand and we talk about it a lot since I’m still a beginner at this stuff… And yes before you ask we do practice safe sex. He’s not some kind of monster, Sebastian. He just knows what he likes and is willing to go after what he wants… And for once what someone wants is me.”

Sebastian felt his stomach turn a little when he heard this. “... Do you really like having sex with older men that much?”

“Yeah. They know what they want and there is no messing around with them.” As he talked that damn smile on his face continued to be so disturbingly joyful while his eyes were as dead and glassy as doll’s eyes. “So you didn’t tell Sam and Abby about me?”

“Why would I? They don’t need to know about this.”

“... Why? Are you concerned about my reputation at school?”

“I’m concerned about you… I didn’t think you would show up today after what happened on the weekend.”

Lucien shrugged. “I had time to calm down and think about it.”

“Oh? So did you really delete my number?”

He shook his head. “No. I still have it...But I um, look. I’m conflicted about you telling other people about what I am doing. I don’t know if I’m okay with you doing it or not.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone… Though I really think you should cut it off with that old guy since you lied about your age.” Muttered Sebastian.

Lucien shrugged and took a step towards him. “And if I don’t want to? What’s so bad about me being me and wanting to do what I want?” His smile was still happy but that dead look was starting to look more dangerous and unhinged. “You know something Sebastian? You look kind of cute when you’re all flustered like that.” 

He quickly leaned forward and kissed him. Lucien’s lips were surprisingly soft and the kiss was chaste and innocent enough. But Sebastian still pushed Lucien away. He pushed him away hard enough for the other teen to fall back and hit the fence surrounding the roof.

Lucien winced a little and rubbed his side. He was in a little pain but still he was smiling. “Do you hate me now?”

“... Don’t just kiss someone out of nowhere like that!” Snapped Sebastian as a dark blush covered his face. “Why the fuck would you do that? The fuck is wrong with you?”

He laughed a little. “Do you like hurting me? You hit me pretty hard the other day too. We can do that kind of stuff too. You can pay to hurt me to. Everyone shows their love in different ways. You can hit me as much as you like. You’ll feel so much better once you do, There’s no reason to hold back. There’s no way anyone can get any real pleasure without someone else being in pain.”

“... Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you Lucien? Why are you doing this?”

Lucien shrugged and pushed some hair out of his face. “Why do anything anymore? What’s the point? I thought I’d just kiss you and make you an offer. That’s what I’ve done with most of the boys that pay me to do things.”

“... What? There’s more than one now?”

“Oh yeah. My first might have let it slip or someone might have overheard me talking to them at one point so I have a few more people interested in my services… So I won’t be hanging out with you and your friends during lunch anymore. Especially after the cultural festival thing… But if you ever want to talk to me during lunch you just have to have enough gold to pay for me. I’ll be seeing you around Sebastian.” He walked past Sebastian towards the door. “It was fun pretending I wasn’t broken for a while.”

Sebastian knew he should have said something. He should have grabbed hold of Lucien’s arm and held him back, told him that he didn’t need to do this. That he wasn’t broken. Lucien wasn’t broken. He just needed some help. He couldn’t keep doing this. He’d only end up hurting himself more. But his body refused to move. He just let Lucien walk past him and out of his life.

***

Was what Lucien told Sebastian too cruel? No. It was the truth. It was what he needed to. Sebastian knew what kind of a miserable, rotten creature he was. This was for the best. Everything was as it should be. Whatever status quo that existed before he came here would be put right and he’d just slip into his new very niche roll. 

Speaking of someone had slipped a note into his locker and apparently had some incriminating things on him. Lucien didn’t really care, but he was interested to see what they had on him. So he met up behind the gym like the note told him to, though he was a few minutes late.

“You’re late.” Said a voice.

Lucien frowned a little when he saw it was the jock whose nose he broke ages ago. Of course this guy still had a grudge against him. “Oh, I thought I was meeting someone important. See ya.”

He turned to leave, and that made the jock growl. Like actually growl at him. “Hey! Get your faggot ass back over here. You’re going to want to see this.”

Reluctantly Lucien walked back over to him and looked at his phone. Much to his surprise it was a short video of himself giving Alex a blow job in the bathroom. Though it was pretty much impossible to tell it was Alex from the angle it was filmed at. This was taken a little while ago. What was this guy thinking?

The jock had a smug look on his face when he saw how surprised Lucien was. “Yeah, that’s right you faggot. You know just what this is. I wonder what the whole school would think if they saw this? There’s no mistaking it for anyone else is there? Bet a faggot like you wouldn’t want something like this getting out to everyone huh? Everyone will know your a slut. You’ll probably get kicked out of school.”

“... So what do you want? Money?” Asked Lucien. He didn’t really know what else this idiot wanted from him.

The jock continued to smugly smirk at him as he waved the phone around. “If you don’t want me to spread this around why don’t you show me how good you are at using that whore mouth of yours? Then maybe I might consider deleting it.”

Disgust. That’s all Lucien felt. How fucking dare this shit head even think about asking him to do this? He sure had some balls, but Lucien really didn’t give a fuck at this moment. If all he had was a video over him, what did he care?

“Interesting plan.” Said Lucien in an eerily calm voice. “But counter plan. You fucking pay me to suck your dick like everyone else. Do you really think I give a shit if you spread that video around? Whoever pays me for my services gets to choose the venu. If someone wanted to feel me up in the hallway I’d let them do it once I’ve been paid.”

The jock seemed a little taken aback by Lucien’s blunt response. “Y-you don’t think I’ll send it? Because I will! Everyone will know that you’re a-”

“Whore? Slut? Prostitute?” Asked Lucien. “I really don’t give a fuck what title you want to slap on me. Yes, I am a whore, slut, and prostitute. I will do anything as long as someone pays me to do it. Spreading that video around will only serve to make me richer and you dead.” Though Lucien really didn’t care if the video got spread around he was more than happy to torment this jock for trying to blackmail him with a few lies.

“Dead? What the fuck are you on about?”

Lucien smiled ever so sweetly and him and continued to talk in an overly calm voice. “I don’t just fuck people in school you idiot. I have sex with very powerful people outside of school. Lawyers, doctors, CEOs, and a few politicians that can pull strings in my favour.” Now he went in for the kill. “They like the services that I provide for them and like how discrete and professional I am. Do you really think if I faked a few tears and told them how a dumbass jock at school was abusing their property just for shits and giggles they might make sure that dumbass jock is no longer alive to let that happen?”

The jock looked mildly terrified and Lucien loved it. He hated bastards like this. Using this to manipulate someone into doing what they wanted. It was disgusting. Someone like this was disgusting. Maybe he was even worse than he was? At least Lucien was willingly letting people play with his body. This fucker was trying to force him into doing sexual acts. No one was ever going to fucking force him to do anything again. He was in control now.

“So why the fuck don’t you just delete that silly little video now?” Suggested Lucien in a voice as sweet as honey. “If I find out at some point that this video has somehow made it onto the internet I really don’t have an issue with you getting killed. Maybe even tortured a little depending on which one of my daddies I decide to cry to and ask for them to get rid of the mean dumbass jock who thought he could mess with me? Maybe I won’t even as them to kill you? Have you ever considered what being an orphan is like?”

Now the bastard looked terrified. “What? Y-you wouldn’t...”

“Yes. Yes I would.” Said Lucien in his sweet voice. Though he had hoped that his eyes were portraying pure malice. “I’d make sure your entire fucking family ends up gutted like fucking pigs. After all you are a pig. Your mum gave birth to you so she’s a pig. Your dad fucked that pig so he’s a pig to. Pigs give birth to pigs.” He grabbed hold of the jock’s shirt and pulled him in so close that their foreheads pressed together. “Don’t you ever fuck with me again you worthless piece of shit. If you want me to suck your dick you will fucking pay like everyone else.”

He pushed the jock back and kicked his legs out from under him, knocking him on his ass. Lucien found some sadistic pleasure in being the one in control for once. He really hoped the jock was scared of him. He should be. He shouldn’t have fucked around with someone as broken as Lucien.

He smiled at the jock and glared at him. “Now, I’m not a totally heartless person. Just remember to fucking pay me. When you do I’ll be more than happy to be whatever you want to call me and suck your dick… But if you try to blackmail me again or try to cheat me out of my money I will have someone slaughter your stupid piggy family. You’ll have no one to blame but yourself.”

The jock just stared up at him gaping like a fish out of water. He didn’t seem to know what to make of Lucien’s defiance and threats. “Y-you…”

Lucien rolled his eyes and walked away. “Remember, share that video and you’ll only have yourself to blame.”

He’d only taken a few steps away from the gym when another boy in his year approached him. He was someone on some sports team. He wasn’t too sure which one it was. He kind of smiled at Lucien awkwardly.

“Hey um… So I heard from someone that you might be um… you know…”

“How much gold do you have on you?”

“Right now? About one fifty. Why?”

Lucien smiled and fluttered his eyelashes a little. “Well you heard correct. Give me the money now and we can find a different location to talk things out… Somewhere a little more private?” The teen nodded and gave Lucien the money before they quickly went off to find somewhere quiet around the school. Lucien was fine with this. Everything was fine. This was just his new normal. It was fine.


	36. Multicultural day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More bad things happen to Lucien and then something good? I think maybe apart from a few breakdowns I might try and direct Lucien into a more positive place now. But we shall see. We shall see. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Over the course of the week people were starting to say things. It was a quiet whisper that just floated around amidst the buzz of the cultural festival. It was something that seemed outrageous and out there, but it still made its way around the school. Abby was the first to bring it up to their friends on Thursday afternoon. 

“So, have you two seen much of Lucien lately outside of class?” She asked.

Sam and Sebastian shook their heads. Neither of them had seen much of Lucien and when they did see him in class he seemed to be trying to distance himself from their group. It was kind of strange, but they kind of saw him talking to other people so it wasn’t to stange.

“Have you heard some of the rumours going around?” She asked. “The ones about Lucien having sex for money? You don’t think it’s true, right?”

Sam shrugged. “Probably not. Some asshole was just trying to get under his skin.”

Sebastian kept his mouth shut. He didn’t really know if he should tell them the truth about Lucien or not. What would they think if they knew Lucien seemed to like sleeping around with anyone that would pay for it. But if he said that then they might ask why and then things would snowball and soon they would know all about Lucien’s private life. He really had no idea what to do anymore.

Abby nodded in agreement with Sam. “Yeah… But what if some asshole has some dirt on Lucien or something and are like, blackmailing him?”

“Oh that would suck.” Muttered Sam. “Maybe we should confront him or something? He has to talk to us tomorrow… You going to be okay with working with him tomorrow Seb?”

“Hmm? Yeah. I’ll be fine… I think Lucien will be okay maybe… Maybe he just needs some space or something?” Sebastian suggested. He didn’t know what else to suggest without telling them everything.

“Nah, let’s just confront him.” Said Abby. “About time we do some confrontation… But like tomorrow afternoon. After the cultural festival. We’ll get him to help set stuff up and put stuff away.” 

Sam agreed but Sebastian didn’t really like this idea. He had no idea what Lucien would say when they confronted him. He might tell them the truth or just straight up lie to them. He had no idea.

***

Lucien had hidden himself away from the rest of the school in an unlocked classroom. If he walked out around the halls someone would try and solicit his services. Even he needed a rest every once in a while. Plus there was always a high chance one of the more religious kids would try preaching to him. Even some of the teachers were starting to give him strange looks. The rumours had gotten to them too by the looks of it.

Not that it mattered much to him at the moment. He’d graduate at the end of the year and he’d be able to get on with his life. All the boys at school were selfish anyway. None of them seemed to give a fuck about him or his own physical needs. Having sex with James was better. After what they did James would always comfort him and make sure he was okay. Something called aftercare. 

He had never heard of that before and before he knew it he was starting to crave it. He didn’t care how extreme or hardcore the scene or particular fetish was, as long as James cared for him after. No one had ever shown him that kind of love before. James’s physical love was something that he craved. He had worried for a little while that maybe he wasn’t able to get satisfaction from normal sex anymore, but then again he didn’t really know what normal sex was at this point.

Lucien pulled his knees up to his chin and sighed a little. He was broken but that was fine. He was rotten but that was fine. His life choices were possibly detrimental to his mental health but that was fine. He didn’t really need to think much these days anyway. Just collect money and spread his legs, or open his mouth as most of the boys here seemed to be interested in gettling blow jobs.

He sighed a little louder and closed his eyes. Lucien wondered if Sebastian would take him up on his offer and pay him for things. He wouldn’t mind if that was the case. Maybe Sebastian would be nice to him? He might be kind and treat him well, though from his experiences with people around his age this wasn’t going to be the case. Sebastian would be rough with him. He’d use him and then he’d look at him with the same eyes all the other boys did when they were done with him. Disgust and superiority.

***

Friday morning there were practically no classes for the senior students as they were setting up their own stalls Lucien and Sebastian were setting theirs up next to Abby and Sam. Robin was cool enough to truck over any of the big equipment. A teacher was also there to make sure that everything was okay and not going to suddenly catch fire.

They set everything up carefully and even had a quick trial run of their equipment and ended up eating some of their food. Abby had to slap Sam’s hand away from the fresh tray of maple bars with a spatula a few times to keep him from eating them all.

Around midday everything started up and people started coming by while the cultural festival started. Teachers constant patrolled the area, mainly around their particular area since they had a bbq going. Not that it really mattered that much. 

Lucien took it upon himself to take orders and get people drinks while Sebastian manned the bbq. He just didn’t want to deal with people. Cooking survival burgers was easier for him. He just needed to cook the patties and flip them.

They seemed to be getting a fair bit of attention from people that just wanted to eat the crap they had grown up with. Not that the boys were complaining. It just meant that they were raking in some more money and could finish up sooner. Once they had no more food it wasn’t like they could get more.

Some of the jocks from the gridball team came over and got a few burgers. When they handed over the money one of them slipped a note to Lucien as well. After he told Sebastian how many survival burgers to grill up he checked the note.

Want to make 700g? Behind the gym asap. We’re leaving in 15 min.

That was a strange invitation. But he wasn’t really motivated making a measly 700 gold. On average he would easily make double that with James without even trying… And James would make it fun for him too. But he was interested in what they wanted to do. He could only assume it was a group. They wrote we’re instead of I’ll.

He sighed a little and gently patted Sebastian’s shoulder. “Hey man, sorry to do this to you but I really, really need to pee. Think you can man the stall till I get back?” 

Sebastian frowned a little but nodded anyway. “Yeah sure. Oi Sam!” He called. “You two don’t both need to work there at the moment right? Help me out for a bit.”

Sam quickly took over Lucien’s duties while Lucien himself went to the back of the gym. He did wonder how many weird dealings were made back here since it was so out of the way of everything. Maybe some kids did drug deals back here at some point? He didn’t know. Either was there were three boys waiting for him.

“Didn’t think you would turn up.” Said one.

Lucien shrugged. “I need the money. Speaking of which I demand payment up front. I never do anything without getting paid first. I tend to go a little ballistic when people try to cheat me.” He said in a warning tone.

One of the boys, the one that the trio seemed to trust with their money, handed over the cash and Lucien carefully counted it. “It’s all there.” Said the jock. “What you don’t trust us?”

“I have my reasons not to trust people.” Once everything was there he pocketed the money and smiled at the trio sweetly. “But since you three actually paid me the amount you said you would I guess I can trust you for about ten minutes.” They didn’t seem to like the idea of a time limit. “Hey, I was in the middle of doing things when you called me over. I can always just give you back the money and go.”

“No it’s fine.” Muttered one of the jocks.

“Dude come on.” Muttered one of the other teens. “I need at least ten minutes to even feel like cumming. There’s no way this is worth it.”

Lucien rolled his eyes. He hated how much boys his age always exaggerated as how huge their dicks were and how they were the best at sex ever. In reality the ones that bragged the most were always done in less than a minute. But what did that matter? They paid for this he might as well get it over with.

He sighed as he got on his knees. “Relax. I can take care of three dicks at once. I don’t give a fuck if you cum on my face or in my mouth. But seriously, if you guys want to start doing group things I’m going to have to start charging you guys more.”

One of the jocks stood in front of Lucien and unzipped his pants. “Shut up and suck my dick, whore.”

***

After twenty minutes of Lucien not being around Sebastian was becoming kind of worried. It was possible a teacher or someone caught him at some point and was talking to him. Maybe the line to the bathroom was long or something? He wasn’t sure.

Thankfully Lucien came back soon after Sebastian started to worry, though he was kind of wet. His hair, sleeves and most of the area around his torso was wet, like he had ducked under a shower. He grabbed a can of softdrink from the esky and dropped some gold into the lock box.

“Hey man, what took you so long?” Asked Sam.

Lucien shrugged and coughed a little. “Water bomb prank. I got hit then the teacher decided to talk to me and some of the assholes for a bit. That’s all. How many more burgers do we have left?”

“Two.” Said Sebastian. “But you know, if you’re hungry we can just eat the burger buns and bbq sauce. We have a few dozen of the bund left over.” He knew that Lucien was hiding something. Maybe he went off and had sex with someone else on campus? He hoped not. In fact, why would that be his go to thought now? Lucien probably really just needed to use the bathroom. He didn’t need to think poorly of him now.

“Yo Seb, last two. Cook them up.”

“Huh? Oh, okay.” Sebastian quickly cooked the last two burgers and handed them off to Lucien as he quickly went about turning off the bbq. As he did he kept glancing over at Lucien who was removing the sign that said they sold survival burgers but left the drinks sign up. He wasn’t having sex all the time with everyone at school. That was just stupid on his part. Just because Lucien said those things didn’t mean it was true, right?

Lucien might have just been messing with him, right? A lot of messed up things had happened to him growing up so maybe this was a joke to him? It had to be a joke to him. Right? He really wanted it to be a joke. He wanted Lucien to be okay. But he didn’t know. He wanted Lucien to just suddenly turn around and say it was all just a prank or something, but he doubted that would be the case. There was just something in Lucien’s eyes that made him know he was telling the truth.

After a while Sam and Abby also finished up selling all their food and they started packing up their things too. By the end of it they had everything ready to put back on Robin’s truck when she came back. They sat around the esky and drank a few of the drinks that they didn’t manage to sell. One of the teachers came around and gathered the money that the two groups had collected once they realised that they were done.

Abby sighed a little and chugged her drink. “There goes all our money… If only we could have kept it. Oh well.”

“That’s just how the world works.” Said Sam.

Abby nodded a little and looked over at Lucien. “So what’s up man? You haven’t been hanging around us much anymore. We too boring for you now?”

Lucien shrugged and looked down at his drink. “No. I just… you know. Things happen. Sorry I haven’t been hanging around much.”

“Yeah…” Abby frowned and decided to just bite the bullet. “So like, there are rumours that you’re sleeping around now with people around school. Is that true?”

Sebastian looked at Lucien. His expression was hard to read. He seemed to be going through a whole range of emotions going from panic to acceptance. It looked like he was about to start going on about the same kind of things he was spouting off to him the other day.

Lucien smiled at Abby. “Yeah. The rumours are true. People are paying me to have sex with them. Now, why did I start doing it? Why not? I’m good at having sex. Might as well provide a service to people. At this rate I think I’ll probably start pimping myself out and turning tricks when I leave school. Should be fun.”

Both Abby and Sam looked completely dumbfounded by what Lucien just said. “Y-you can’t be serious.” Said Abby in a shocked manner.

Lucien shrugged. “I am serious. I am good at having sex. Why not let people use me for a price? I’m fine with that.”

It was quiet between the group for a while before Sam spoke up. “Who hurt you?”

That question seemed to surprise Lucien and throw him off guard. “Huh?”

“Yeah!” Said Abby. “What bastard forced you to start doing this shit and made you think you’re worth nothing more than that? Whoever they are I’ll get a baseball bat and beat the fucking shit out of that scum.”

Sam nodded in agreement. “Yeah/ Seriously, was it one of the shit head jocks at school? Please let it be one of them. I need an excuse to beat one with a wiffle bat.”

Lucien quickly became very quiet. “... You-you’re not mad at me?”

“Why the fuck would we be mad at you?” Asked Abby. “Clearly you’ve been doing nothing wrong. Granted prostitution of minors at school is a big no, but like what the fuck. You obviously didn’t come into high school and think you’re gonna be the school prostitute.”

Lucien became really looked shocked that Sam and Abby weren’t pissed off at him or disgusted by his mere existence. “I-I-I um…”

Sam put his hand on Lucien’s shoulder. “Dude, seriously… We’re here for you… Want to come back to Pelican town with us tonight? You can stay at my place if you like.”

Lucien gulped a little and pushed Sam’s hand away. “What the fuck is wrong with you people? I tell you I’m sleeping around for money and you two just smile, and say that I’m not the one at fault? What the fuck? I don’t get it.”

Sebastian sighed and lightly punched Lucien’s arm. “Dumbass. We’re not shit heads. We might have just known you for less than a year but we know you aren’t the kind of person that just decides to sleep around with anyone you see fit… Just, come back to town with us. We’ll kidnap you if we have to.”

Abby nodded in agreement. “You’re coming with us no matter what.”

“Um… I already have plans this weekend…”

Sebastian shot Lucien a look. “Then cancel it. Visiting your aunt or like, some old friend, just say you’ll meet up later. We’re taking you back to town.”

“Oh… Okay?” Lucien looked really confused and slightly distressed. However it didn’t look like he was going to put up much of a fight. “I guess I can reschedule things…”

Sebastian was thankful that Lucien was actually going to do this. He could only assume that Lucien was planning to spend the weekend with his sugar daddy. Fuck he hated having those two words together. It made him feel all gross. But that aside, Lucien was going to be safe this weekend. That’s all that mattered to him.


	37. Stressful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back to the downward spiral where Lucien stresses about things and his friends stress about him. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien had to give the trio credit, they said if they would they would kidnap him and they kind of did. Once things were all packed up Lucien tried to sneak away but he only managed to get a few steps away from them before Sam’s jacket was wrapped around his torso and he got carried onto the bus to Pelican town. He was kind of hoping that they were joking about it.

The closer they got to Pelican town the more anxious Lucien became. He felt as though they should be hating him. Why weren’t they hating him? Maybe they were and this was some sick joke to them? Some weird town public shaming thing? Maybe he’d get burned to death in a wickerman or something?

“Um, what are you going to tell your parents?” asked Lucien. “I can’t just rock up to someone’s house and expect it all to be okay.”

“It’ll be fine.” Said Abby. 

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah. If anyone asks you can just say you’re coming over for Abby’s sleepover… Her parents reaction to another boy sleeping in the same room as their innocent daughter shouldn’t raise an eyebrow.” That earned Sebastian one punch to the arm from Abby.

“Okay.” Lucien was still worrying about it. He had his eyes on his phone and wondered if James would text him and ask about meeting up tomorrow or even tonight? Would he be mad at him? They usually met up on weekends and they were starting to get more intense with their sexual life and he didn’t know what James might think if they suddenly said no to him? He hadn’t said no to him before.

Suddenly his phone went off as James was calling him. He quickly pressed the phone to his ear, feeling slightly better hearing his voice. Though he needed to make sure that no one knew what he was talking about. “Hey there.”

“Hey Lucien. You going to be back in Zuzu city any time soon?”

“Ah, I’m actually going to be hanging out with friends this weekend.”

“Oh okay. The whole weekend?”

“Yeah the whole weekend.” He wondered if James was going to be mad at him.

“Hmm… Okay. I’d like to have dinner with you sometime during the week if you’re okay with that.”

“... Is that all?”

“Well yeah. I enjoy your company. You’re more than just your body Lucien.”

Lucien could feel his face burning with embarrassment. James thought so highly of him even though he wasn’t anything at all. To think someone that was actively using his body for their pleasures would see more value in him than his peers that were also using him? Maybe it was an age thing? If that was the case he would be fine with saying that being touched by older men made him feel the least disgusted with himself after the fact.

“Thank you…”

“Do you think maybe some time this week we could meet up for dinner once you’re done with school? Just dinner.”

“Yeah. I think I can manage that… I have to go now. Bye.

“Bye. Have fun with your friends.”

Lucien quickly hung up. James didn’t seem mad at him. Maybe slightly disappointed, but that was fine with him. That was fine. James still wanted to meet up with him. He still wanted to be with him. That was good. James still found him desirable even though he turned him down this weekend.

“Who were you talking to?” Asked Abby.

“No one.”

“Couldn’t be no one. You’re blushing like crazy.” She pointed out. “... Is it someone you’re crushing on? Please tell me it’s someone you’re sweet on.”

A small smile made its way onto Lucien’s face. “Well, it’s a guy from the city… Best way I could explain our relationship would be fuck buddies, but he’s really nice to me and he makes me feel happy. We go out to dinner sometimes too… And he just makes me smile.” Sam and Abby were probably picturing some guy from his previous school around his age. Not a fifty something like James actually was. Sebastian had a very disapproving look on his face but didn’t say anything. Thankfully.

Abby patted his shoulder. “Well, if you like him maybe try just you know, doing it with him and not all the g-” She quickly looked between Sam and Sebastian. “Most of the guys in our year? I’m not saying our grade isn’t clean but… Sex ed sucks and you might catch something from a dumbass that sticks their dick in a yeast canister.”

Lucien laughed a little. “That’s gross… But yeah I see your point. I should probably see if there’s a planned parenthood around my place… They do screenings for STI’s and stuff, right?”

Abby nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll do that.” Lucien stared out the window for the rest of the trip back to the valley. He kept wondering what the trio of friends really thought about him. They were probably just pitying him. He didn’t want pity. He just wanted the to look at him like he was one of them, but he knew he wasn’t. They couldn’t see him as normal. He wasn’t normal. He was broken.

***

When they got to town the group went straight to Sebastian’s house. Robin was already there and was getting Demetrius to help return the equipment used to bbq survival burgers and cook doughnuts.

Robin was surprised to see Lucien but was very happy. She asked if he was staying with his grandfather but before he could say anything Sebastian cut in and said he was part of the sleepover. Demetrius didn’t look like was would approve at all, but Robin was more than happy to let it happen.

“It’s so nice to have you over again Lucien.” She said. “Well you kids have fun. We gotta get this stuff back down to Lewis and Marnie.”

From there Abby and Sam had to quickly depart to check in with their own parents which left Sebastian and Lucien alone in Sebastian’s basement room. Lucien stood in the middle of the room, unsure what to do. He felt like Sebastian was staring him down, even when his back was turned.

What were they going to to him now that the people closest to him knew he was essentially a prostitute? They had the whole bus ride back to think about what they want from him and what they wanted to do to him. There was no way they would just leave it at that and continue on as friends. They knew too much. Hell, Sebastian knew too much. 

He knew everything. He knew everything. He knew everything. Every filthy secret. Every horrible detail. He knew everything about Lucien and could very much do whatever he damn well pleased with him. Sebastian would know just what to say to him to guilt him and manipulate him into being just what he wanted. But that was okay.

Lucien could imagine how this weekend would go. He had already made the offer to Sebastian anyway. It wouldn’t matter what the reason; power, control, curiosity, disgust. Sebastian would say something to him. Lucien would feel reluctant but would immediately give in like he always does. Sebastian’s hands would touch his body, gentle at first but then rough. He’d become bold and push him down and take what he wanted from him. Not that Lucien minded. 

Teenagers were selfish. Taking everything they could for their own pleasure and satisfaction. But that was fine really. It truly was. No one thought about the happiness of others when it came to that act. He’d heard the more innocent and pure people refer to it as something as sickly sweet as making love. They didn’t really know what it was did they? That wasn’t love. It was selfishness.

Then during the middle of their act Sam and Abby would come in. Sure they would be shocked at first, but they would soon be laughing at him. One of them would record a video or take photos of him as they would take turns violating him. Then for the rest of the school year they would use him however they saw fit. They would shield him from the other boys that were searching him out and use him themselves. That’s just how it would be. That’s the best case scenario he could think of.

But if that was the best case what was the worst case?. It turned his stomach but the worst case for him would just be a repeat of the best case up until Sam and Abby entered the room again. From there it deviated. Sebastian would tell them how he was whoring himself out to an older man in Zuzu city. He’ tell them all about the BDSM shit they had been doing. Then those three, almost as inexperienced as he was at BDSM would start doing it to him.

Strangling him the incorrect way. Tying him with things so tightly he’d start bleeding. Burn him with wax not meant for dripping onto the skin. Beating and or whipping him with something till he was bloodied and bruised. Inserting something into him that either wasn’t meant to be inside someone or failing to use adequate lubrication so he’d rip and bleed everywhere. They might even kill him. 

“...” Then again if he did die because of them was that really the worst case scenario? Everything would end and he’d be able to rest without thinking in the calm nothingness. That would be fine right? That would be his happy ending. One where his violently misused life would come to an equally violent end? That would be nice.

Suddenly he felt Sebastian pull him and Lucien fell onto the bed. So this was it? Sebastian was going to do it. To be honest he didn’t like the idea of Sebastian doing this to him in his house. He would have prefered doing this in maybe his own apartment. At least that way if Robin, Demetrius, or Maru suddenly came in Sebastian wouldn’t get into trouble. He closed his eyes and waited for something to happen. Anything. He waited a few minute and only opened his eyes again when he heard Sebastian booting up his computer.

“... You’re not doing anything to me?” Lucien questioned.

From Sebastian’s computer Lucien heard keys tapping. “Am I meant to do something?”

“You tell me. You’re the one that laid me out on your bed.” Said Lucien calmly. “In my experience now is the part where you either tell me to strip or take off my pants. Then you have your way with me till you’re satisfied.”

There was silence from Sebastian for a minute. Not even a keystroke. “Doing that kind of stuff has never made you feel good, has it?”

“No.”

“Then why do you willingly do it now?” Asked Sebastian. “Your aunt… No one is confusing you for a long dead loved one and forcing you to do it. Why keep going?”

Lucien shrugged and continued to stare up at the ceiling. Sebastian had stuck some glow in the dark stickers up there. “I’m broken. I’m a horrible, disgusting, broken, rotting, meat doll. Every time I breathe out or cough I wonder if thousands upon thousands of maggots will spill out and prove just how disgusting I really am… For someone like me, something useless and broken, I want to feel good. I want to feel like I have value to someone. Anyone.” He covered his hands with his eyes and tried very hard not to start crying. “Sex is disgusting. Everything about it I hate. The touching, the thrusting, the buildup, and the climax. It’s all filthy and disgusting and I hate it… But I’m good at it.”

He could hear Sebastian sighing from his computer chair. He was going to say how he wasn’t disgusting but he knew it was a lie. He knew what he was and he was okay with that. He was okay with what he was.

“I’m really good at having sex.” Said Lucien. “I know how to please a woman. I know how to make her happy. How to make her smile and say she loves me and how she can’t wait to make love to me again. And I know what men like. After all the practice I’ve been getting in I don’t have much of a gag reflex anymore… I’ve always liked being useful and helpful to people. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I want to make people happy. When people are happy then good things will happen. I get praised and told I’m good. I’m valued. I have value for being able to do something disgusting.”

“... Is that really all you think you’re good at?” Asked Sebastian quietly. “Do you just have sex with… that older guy because he says you’re good at it?”

“Hmm? With him it’s a little more than that.” Said Lucien calmly. “Unlike the people at school he treats me with more respect. It almost feels like we are dating with the way he asks me out to dinner and when we go to his house he’s very hospitable… He treats me like a real boyfriend and it… I want that kind of love. He picked me up on the streets knowing I was selling my body to the first person that came along and he’s still treating me so kindly.”

“... If he just picked you up what makes you think he’s just loyal to you?” Asked Sebastian. “He probably has other people he’s seeing on the side.”

That made Lucien laugh, like genuinely laugh. “Oh, I’m sure he does. I’m sure he has plenty of other people he visits regularly and shows his kindness to. But I don’t mind; He’s showing his kindness to me right now, and until he decides I’m too old for him I’ll gladly accept whatever love he wants to offer me.”

Once again the room was drowned in silence. Lucien had nothing left to say and he was sure Sebastian was disgusted into his silence. There was no way he or anyone would think he was a good or normal person after hearing that. He was broken. Rotten. Filthy. Was he even too filthy for Sebastian to touch?

***

Sebastian’s heart was falling apart. Lucien was just hurting so much but what could he do? Who was he supposed to tell? Maybe he could talk a bit more with Abby and Sam about it? That would be good. The group could do something, anything to make sure Lucien wasn’t left alone at school now. They could stop Lucien from whoring himself out at school now. That would at least be a step in the right direction.

But what to do about him now? Lucien was just in so much pain. He actually expected Sebastian to do something when he pulled him onto his bed. Didn’t he hear him saying that he should rest up? He’d only gotten physical with him because he continued to stare off into space like he was thinking of something else.

Now to hear he thought so little of himself and how he only ever did what he did to please the physical needs of others? Just to hear them praise him? Would he do other horrible things to himself if it meant some sick fuck would praise him and tell him he was a good boy? Like some sort of dog? Was Lucien happy being a dog?

“... You know you’ve never actually had sex right?” Yoba have mercy he was just going to wing it. “Everything that has happened to you so far has been rape. Your aunt and that older man. They were abusing your body for their own pleasures after they coerced you into it.” He still wasn’t too sure on all the details about what the boys at school had been doing to him so he wasn’t going to call it that just yet. But the other two were definitely that.

“... Are you going to start treating me differently now?” Asked Lucien quietly. “I’ve done disgusting things with my body but you’re okay with us hanging out? You’re even letting me, as gross as I am, lay on your bed.”

Sebastian looked over at Lucien. He was on his back with an arm over his eyes. He was probably teary eyed by now and close to crying. Despite the happy face he put on, acting like nothing was ever wrong in his world, Lucien was extremely fragile. Everything about him was so delicate he could shatter into a million pieces if someone said or did something that upset him. 

“I’ve never thought you were filthy.”

Hearing that Lucien seemed to freeze, even stop breathing. Had Sebastian said the wrong thing? Was Lucien going to snap and start screaming at him like he did the other day before crying his eyes out in anguish? He didn’t really know.

Lucien mumbled something softly.

“Hmm? I didn’t catch that.”

“...” Lucien slowly sat up but faced away from him. “Do you think I’m pretty?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think I’m pretty?” Asked Lucien a little louder.

Sebastian wasn’t really sure what to say. In general you didn’t really call boys pretty. People usually said handsome or rugged. The only times he’s called a guy pretty was when he and Sam were goofing off and Sam asked him something like that in a joking manner. But he knew Lucien wasn’t joking. Lucien was serious. Sebastian felt like he’d stepped on a landmine.

He was going to have to wing it again. “I um… I wouldn’t say you’re pretty per say… I’d probably say handsome fits you better.”

“... Handsome? You think I’m handsome?” Asked Lucien as he turned to face him. He looked confused and a little conflicted to hear that. “No one’s ever called me that before… Thank you.”

***

Sam and Abby ended up walking back to Sebastian’s place together. They took their time and talked about the whole Lucien being the school’s prostitute situation. “How the fuck does something like that start anyway?” Asked Sam. “And with a guy? I thought most of the guys in our year were straight? They can’t all be bi, gay or questioning.”

Abby shrugged. “I don’t really care who started it at school, but I want to know how Lucien learned about sex. Prostitution at school isn’t a normal thing and the way he talked about it like it was no big deal is just… Someone had to have done something to him when he was younger.”

Sam nodded in agreement. “Yeah… Maybe we were right about the priest thing?”

Just the mention of that made Abby shiver. “Fuck I hope it wasn’t that.”

“Well we have three choices Abby.” Muttered Sam in annoyance. “Either it was a priest, a very close relative or friend of his family, or a stranger.”

Abby rolled her eyes. “It could have been professor Plum in the conservatory with a candle stick for all we know… I just want to know he isn’t getting touched by that original person anymore.”

“Hopefully not.” Sam stopped walking and frowned a little. He was thinking things over in his mind and slowly putting pieces of a much larger puzzle together. “... Maybe it was a relative? He does live alone. I know he said it was because his aunt is sick but I don’t know…”

Another shiver made its way through Abby’s body. “What if it was a friend of his aunt or something? Now he lives all alone and that bastard could go in and abuse him whenever he wants now?”

“... Shit I didn’t think about that.”

“And what if this family friend is making Lucien do prostitution in Zuzu city? Acting like his pimp? Maybe Lucien isn’t making enough money on the streets and he’s being threatened with violence if he doesn’t bring them money?” Abby’s imagination was running wild now and going off in all the worst places she could imagine.

Sam put his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, breathe Abby. Breathe. Maybe we’re overthinking this? Maybe it’s not bad as we think it is?”

“Maybe… Yoba I hope you’re right…” She nervously bit her bottom lip. “What happened Sam?”

“Hmm?”

“We’re still kids. We shouldn’t have to worry about this kind of shit or deal with this.” She said. “We should just be enjoying our lives. We should be doing stupid shit on the weekends like going to the movies, eating cheap garbage in food courts, and just existing… We shouldn’t be getting taken advantage by some sick adult but Lucien… He’s been dealing with this for a while now.”

“...” Sam pulled her into a quick hug and patted her back. “Look, I don’t know why it happened and I don’t know how it happened, but we’re his friends. We’re going to help him out okay? And do you know why we’re going to help him Abby?”

“Because we’re his friends. Obviously.”

Sam grinned. “Exactly. We’re his friends and friends don’t abandon each other. He needs help and we’re going to help him.”

With their commitment to helping their friend reconfirmed the two continued on their journey back to Sebastian’s house. Lucien was going to be okay. They would help him through this painful point in his life.


	38. Forced participation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The gang try to help Lucien be part of the group. Lucien's mind keeps him paranoid and suspicious. Fun times. Fun times. Kudos and comment please. I really enjoy hearing what you all have to say and I like replying. Enjoy :D

For most of the evening Lucien kept to himself. He stayed silent and just sat quietly on the corner of Sebastian’s bed. He kept glancing over at them and then down at his lap. He looked very on edge. It upset Sebastian a little but it wasn’t like he was freaking out so it was okay. Kind of. 

Sam and Abby had decided to start setting up a quick game of Solarian Chronicles. He and Sam had being going over the rules and were pretty sure that they knew how to play. Abby was still a little shaky with the rules but felt like she had a handle on it. 

“Hey Lucien.” Said Abby. “What class do you want? We have wizard, fighter, healer, berserker.”

“... I’ll just take whatever class is left.” He nervously scratched at the threads on his jeans for a while. “I don’t really know how to play anyway so…”

“We can teach you.” Said Sam. “It’s pretty easy.”

“I can just watch… It’s fine.”

Abby pouted. “Come on Lucien. We just want to play with you. It’ll be more fun if you join in.”

“... Okay.” Lucien sat at the table and Sam passed him the rule book to look at. He slowly flipped through it while Sebastian was trying to make sure that the campaign he was winging wasn’t going to fall apart. Truthfully he kind of just assumed it would fall apart once Sam did something stupid like he always did. For some reason Sam completely broke everything when they did a test fight a while ago.

Lucien remained quiet everyone was got ready. It was hard to tell what was running through his mind as he read over the rules. He seemed anxious and kept looking up at them like something bad was going to happen. Nothing was going to happen. Everyone cared about him and were trying to make him feel better. It didn’t seem like that was a thing that was going to happen soon.

They started playing a game and Lucien picked healer. It was short but went pretty well in Sebastian’s opinion. Lucien even smiled a little a few times. Soon though it became dark and the group decided to head down to Abby’s place to camp out in the huge hall-like area. 

Sam left first followed soon by Abby. Sebastian took his time as he went about gathering his own things. He also grabbed some extra clothes for Lucien to wear that night. Lucien seemed very hesitant.

“It’s fine Lucien. You can just take it.”

“...”

“Are you okay? You know we really care about you, right?”

“Yeah…”

“... Before on the bus you got a call from him. What did he want from you? Was he mad that you two won’t be seeing each other this weekend? Did he threaten you?”

Lucien shook his head. “No. He’s never threatened me. He’s always treated me very well, even though he didn’t need to. He’s a decent man.”

Sebastian frowed a little and packed the last of his things. “... What does he do to you?” He didn’t really want to know, but not knowing was killing him on the inside.

Nervously, Lucien started tugging at his sleeves. “He ties me up a lot. We’ve used blindfolds once. We haven’t gotten too deep into anything… He’s into more hardcore things but he doesn’t want to suddenly spring it on me. He isn’t a bad guy. He’s just a guy with some kinks and fetishes that are different to others. He always gives me an out and comforts me after everything that he does… That’s the part I like the most.”

Sebastian nodded and the two of them started to walk down the mountain to Abby’s place. There was a slight chill in the air, a warning sign that fall was soon going to be here. As they walked Lucien opened up a little more to Sebastian.

“My aunt broke me.” He said. “She took away my childhood… I really don’t think I can have proper relationship with my grandpa because of it.”

“... You think he’ll molest you or something?”

Lucien shrugged. “Or beat me. Or both.”

“Is that why you don’t want to move in with him?”

“Yeah. Part of the reason. I know he’s a good person and would never do that, but in the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder what if he’s like my aunt or what if he starts beating me? He lives in a rather isolated place.” Said Lucien sadly. “I don’t really enjoy living alone but I’d prefer to live by myself then worry if someone else is going to abuse me.”

“Did you tell him about it?”

He shook his head. “No. I’ve never told my sugar daddy about what they did to me… If I did I have no idea what he would do. He might cut me out of his life or ask me to go to therapy.”

“... You aren’t seeing someone?” Sebastian was kind of surprised to hear that Lucien wasn’t seeing someone.

“Well… I see my aunt’s doctor every once in a while so technically yes.”

“Lucien…” Sebastian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Now was not the time to be angry. “So how is she anyway?”

“She’s doing well. I don’t think she will ever get out, but she is doing well… She’s gotten very good at pottery apparently.”

“Good for her.” He was glad she wasn’t going to get out. She was a monster. If she had just taken her medication like she was supposed to then none of this would have happened. Lucien would have been fine. He wouldn’t have turned out like this. Hell, if his dad had just manned up and not start physically abusing Lucien before throwing him away on his aunt and uncle this wouldn’t have happened. The world seemed to be against him.

“Yeah. I’m happy for her.” Lucien smiled a little and nervously played with his hair. “If she’s ever allowed to go out for a day I think I might like to bring her to see grandpa. She’d really like the farm… Though she might kick a beehive.”

Sebastian kind of hoped she would. She would deserve it. “Yeah, maybe… Mind if I ask why you’re doing this stuff at school? Like I can kind of understand why you went and hooked up with an older guy, but why do it with people at school?”

“Oh that…” Lucien sighed a little and kicked some dirt. “I don’t know… I just haven’t had sex with guys before and I kind of wanted to get better at giving blowjobs. I kind of figured guys at school probably wouldn’t have any diseases compared to trying my luck at a gloryhole in a shady part of the city.”

“... Um, okay?” That made some kind of sense? Kind of. “And you asking me to hurt you?”

“I want to get used to pain. That’s all. You seemed disgusted by what I’d done and I thought you might want to knock me around some more.”

Sebastian tried hard not to visibly cringe at that. “I don’t want to be a sadist and get off to beating the shit out of people. That just sounds really fucked up to me.”

“... I see.”

“... Can I ask you one more thing?”

“Sure. Shoot.”

“Was it him that convinced you to come to school and ask me to forget about everything?”

Lucien stopped walking. He seemed to fold in a little on himself, trying to make himself look visibly smaller than he actually was. “Yeah… He took me to his house. I calmed down. We had sex. He asked me what was wrong over a cup of coffee. I told him the basic gist of what happened and he gave me advice. Stuff about how you were probably just really worried and didn’t know how to process your feelings. He said I even if we’re just friends because we see each other at school I should try and value our friendship.”

“He sounds kind of wise.”

“Yeah. He is.”

“But I guess you do become wise when you’re old enough to be a grandfather.”

“... Oh.”

Sebastian felt like he might have said the wrong thing. He was trying to make a joke. But before he could say anything Mr Berg walked out of the community center. His eyes lit up when he saw Lucien. “Lucien! My boy!” He quickly walked over and gave Lucien a big hug, which the latter reluctantly reciprocated. “I didn’t know you were coming down today.”

“I got kidnapped.”

“Ah, well it’s still good to see you.” Said the old man. “Where are you staying tonight?”

“At Abby’s place.” Muttered Lucien. “Sleepover. Sam and Sebastian are there too.”

The old man continued to smile cheerfully at the duo. “That sounds like fun. If you aren’t too busy tomorrow how about you come by the farm? Spend a little time with your old grandfather?”

“Sure.”

He grinned and gently put his hand on Lucien’s shoulder. “You’re a good grandson Lucien. I’ll see you tomorrow. Now if you boys excuse me, I’m heading to the spa to have a nice soak. Those warm waters do wonders for these old joints.” He happily wandered up the hill and the boys kept walking down.

They eventually came to Pierre’s shop, went in, and walked straight through to the back. In the actual house part of the shop Sebastian and Lucien were met with the sound of Caroline and Pierre talking relatively loudly in their bedroom. They should have closed the door.

“I still don’t like this.” Said Caroline. “Having that many boys sleeping over, I just…”

“I don’t like it either.” Said Pierre. “You know I don’t, but it’s not like Abigail has any close female friends… And we’ve already said yes.”

“I know, but boys. Boys will be boys and they are all at that stage in their life where they are curious and they might just… We know Sebastian and Sam. We know their parents, but what about this Lucien kid? All we know is that Isaac is his grandfather. What about his parents? What kind of people are they? What kind of person is Lucien? He might just… He could suggest something and then-”

Lucien walked right past Sebastian and into the parents bedroom. He was carrying himself in the same way he had when had talked to him on the roof the other day. Something had flipped in Lucien’s mind and he was taking no prisoners. Sebastian got his phone out to record this.

“My mum is dead.” Said Lucien calmly. His sudden entrance and declaration made both parents jump in surprise. “My dad works overseas doing something I never bothered finding out. I live alone in an apartment he pays for. I have no interest in Abby that way, and considering the past few weeks I don’t think I have any interest in women that way anymore.”

Sebastian tried not to laugh at the stunned look on the faces of the adults. They kind of gawked awkwardly and sounded like they were going to try and take back what they said. Thankfully, for Sebastian’s entertainment, Lucien quickly cut them off.

“You do know smothering her like that is just going to make her resent you more, right? Do you really want your daughter to hate you because you’d rather she stay clean and pure?” Asked Lucien. “Now, you two might think I’m being rude coming in here and telling you all this, but it’s damn bloody rude to walk in here, expect to have a good time with my friends, but instead hear the third degree from parents that aren’t even courteous enough to close the door when they know people are coming over!” After that Lucien stormed out of their room and Sebastian quickly directed him into Abby’s room.

Abby was in the middle of untangling some of the wires on her game console. “Hey guys. What’s up? Was one of you yelling before?”

Sebastian grinned and happily sent Abby the rant Lucien went on. “Lucien went off at your parents.”

“Oh shit. What did they say this time?” She quickly picked up her phone, grinning when she got the message.

“Usual BS.” Said Sebastian. “Laying it on thick about how they don’t like boys staying over and they think we’re going to have some huge orgy and rob you of your virginity or some bullshit like that.”

Abby rolled her eyes and started watching the video. “Oh please. If any of you guys even attempted to do that I’d shove my thumb in your eye and gouge that fucker out. Can’t call it consent if I brutalize you.” She cackled when she saw Lucien going off at her parents. “Oh Yoba, they look so shocked. Serves them right. Wanna play some games till Sam gets here? His mum is holding him up. She apparently wants to send him over with rhubarb pie.”

“Cool.”

***

Lucien was standing awkwardly in Abby’s room. He felt so out of place and kind of drained after talking to Abby’s parents. They probably hated him now. He probably should have held his tongue and just not pay attention to them. But they just pissed him off. 

Just because he was a teenage male he wasn’t allowed to have female friends because he couldn’t control his dick? That was fucked up. He could take responsibility for his own body. He wouldn’t force himself on his friends like that. Hell, if anything he was usually the submissive one that just gave in to other’s physical desires.

He was starting to get a headache. It was fucked up. His mind was a completely fucked up mess. From of of the corner of his eye he saw some something. A vague shape that looked a little like his aunt. His aunt. His aunt. His aunt. She was back? Why did he think he saw her? He hadn’t seen her in weeks. Why did she suddenly come up now? She hadn’t been around talking to him since he had met James. Was it because he wasn’t here now? Why?

“Lucien.” She whispered. He could feel her presence pressing down on his shoulders and breathing down his neck. “My poor, sweet boy. You’ve been so naughty these past few weeks; Having sex with an older man, sex with boys your age, and being rude to other adults who are just concerned about their daughter? How awful.”

Lucien stomach started to turn. He was awful. He really was. Everything he had been doing was horrible and disgusting. He was filthy. He was gross. Why was he always like this? Why did he always do this kind of fucked up shit? He kept making mistake after mistake.

“You’re disgusting.” She whispered. “You’re just making yourself more and more disgusting. Why do you do this? Why? And you know what’s the worst of it? You offered yourself to Sebastian. Even said he could beat you up but no. He can’t even do that to you. He knows how disgusting you are.”

He knew he was disgusting. He didn’t need his aunt telling him he was a grotesque piece of shit. He knew he was. Sebastian wouldn’t even pay to beat him up. He wouldn’t even beat him up for free. He must have been totally abhorrent. Sebastian knew all about himself and just decided he was not worth anything. He had no value to him. It made Lucien’s head spin.

Suddenly the bedroom door opened up and Sam walked in. “Yo! I have pie! Where do you want me to put it?”

“Kitchen.” Said Abby. “You know where it is.”

“Got it.” Sam walked off and Lucien realised how tense his shoulders had been. He tried relaxing a little, but it didn’t make much of a difference. He still felt tense and sick.

Sebastian noticed this and gently patted his shoulder. “Hey, you okay?”

“Hmm? I um… Yeah, I’m fine.” He muttered. “I just have a bit of a headache.”

“I can get you some painkillers.” Said Abby. “No big deal… Pizza should be here soon. The pizza from the saloon is amazing. We can eat it in here or out by the fireplace.”

“Fireplace sounds good.” Said Sebastian. He gently nudged Lucien towards the door. Lucien just followed him and sat by the fireplace. 

Lucien’s head was still swimming and he was kind of considering sticking his head in the fireplace and ending his life. He was feeling disgusting and putrid. His insides were hurting. Was this what it felt like to physically rot away on the inside? Probably. He kind of wanted to just call up James and ask him to pick him up. However being in Pelican town there was no way he could come and get him now.

The pizza arrived and the group happily ate. Thankfully Abby’s parents had avoided them. Probably because of his rant. His stupid rant. Eating that pizza tasted chalky and bitter in his mouth. It was gross but he kept eating it. Everyone else was having a good time. He didn’t want to bring down the mood.

“You’re disgusting.” Whispered his aunt’s voice. “Filthy. Worthless. You make everyone feel sick.”

He knew everything that she was saying was true, but that’s just how it was. He couldn’t really change anything, could he? He was disgusting.


	39. Chapel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So things are starting to look up a little, but hey, it's a long and rocky road to recovery. Hope you like it. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien couldn’t sleep that night. He was just too worried with so many voices just swirling in his head. Each one sounded just like his aunt. He didn’t understand why she of all people was back in his head. Why was it different? Why did this have to happen? Why was she so loud? He just didn’t understand. He wanted to cry, but he didn’t cry. He was distressed, but he just couldn’t muster up the strength to cry.

Abby lent Lucien a sleeping bag so he pretty much went to sleep first. He faced the wall and focused on one small dot in the wallpaper. He didn’t know how long he stared at the dot but it was long after the lights went out. The darkness and the quiet in the house made everything worse.

It was too quiet. Much too quiet. He was used to there being noises. Cars, people, a loud neighbor stomping around on the floor above him. He was used to these sounds not this painful quiet. He needed noise to drown out the disturbing whispers of his aunt.

He could feel her laying behind him. Pressing herself up against his back He felt her hands caress his cheek and run her fingers through his hair. “You’re disgusting.” She whispered. “All the things you’ve been doing is just so gross. Why would you do that to yourself? It’s disgusting. You’re disgusting. Anything innocent inside you rotted away long ago.”

Lucien shuddered and curled in on himself. He tried to hide his head under the sleeping bag, but it smelt very floral. A very feminine scent. It made sense since since it was Abby’s, but it was making his mind go into overdrive. His aunt was holding him in a death grip. It was agony.

“Disgusting. Rotten. Filthy child. You have no shame. You’re nothing. How could you do this to yourself? How could you? Accepting their love has done nothing for you, and you know why? Because you’re not actually accepting their love. You let them use you, but you just block it all out for no reason. You’re not really accepting their love. You need to accept it and you’ll be pure.”

He felt her nails digging into his throat as she talked. But was she right? He’d accepted people using his body, but had he really accepted them? If he fully accepted whoever wanted to use him then would he not feel like human garbage after? Maybe he could do something about that the next time he met up with James. He wanted James. He felt safe in his arms. He wanted to be safe. Why couldn’t he feel safe?

He suddenly sat up and did his best not to start hyperventilating. Everyone else was asleep. He needed to calm down. Slowly, Lucien got up and quickly walked into a side room. He had expected to find a bathroom. Instead he found a relatively small room with golden pillars, a dew seats, and an altar of Yoba.

“...” Lucien sank down into one of the seats and put his head in his hands. His mind was so messed up. He needed to just calm down, clear his head, and think. It would be fine. Everything would be okay. It would be fine. He’d stay here for a bit and then go back to sleeping. It would be fine.

“You’re dirtying this place.” Whispered his aunt. Even here she would continue to pursue him. “This is a holy place. Places of religion only want pure things you know. Anything less than perfect by their rigid standards is dirty and sick. You know that. You can’t be cured. You’re just defiling this place. Get out. Get out. Get out.”

“... I’m sorry.” Whispered Lucien. “I’m sorry. I never do anything right. No matter what I do I keep fucking up. I’m sorry…” He didn’t know if he should start praying or something. He didn’t even know how to at this point. Knowing his luck he’d end up fucking it all up and make his situation worse. He sniffled a little and wiped away some tears, but they continued to flow. He felt sick. He wanted to die.

“Now you’re crying?” Hissed the voice. “Why are you like this? You can’t blame anyone for all this but yourself. All your current misery is your doing. What is wrong with you? Why don’t you take some responsibility? That would be nice huh? Grow a fucking spine.”

Lucien felt like he was going to vomit. He put his hands over his ears and silently begged for something to happen to stop him from hearing his aunt’s voice. At this point he was considering getting something sharp and stabbing his eardrums.

A sudden hand on his shoulder made him jump in shock. He looked up to see who had touched him and was surprised to see Sebastian. “W-what?”

“I couldn’t sleep either.” He sat next to Lucien and sighed a little. “So… you suddenly religious?”

“I was actually looking for the bathroom. I ended up here.”

“I see…” Sebastian frowned a little. “Are you okay? You’re pretty standoffish tonight…”

Lucien shrugged. “I got kidnapped by you three and had to change my plans around for the weekend. It might have upset me a little.”

“Yeah, sorry, not sorry. You don’t need to be in the city this weekend.” Said Sebastian. “I just… Really, you need to be away from that for a while… I want you to be happy. You just… Fuck, I’m not good at words.”

“Yeah, you’re not.”

“... Sorry.”

The two sat in silence for a bit. Lucien continued to quietly cry while Sebastian just quietly next to him and let him get it out if his system. It felt good to cry out the rest of his emotions. It made him feel a little better to cry himself till he felt tired. He couldn’t hear his aunt anymore.

“Thanks for just being here with me.” Said Lucien quietly. 

“No problem...” Sebastian sighed a little and ran his fingers through his hair. “Look, I know you hate the idea but I really think you should move in with your grandpa. I hate the idea of you living alone in the city just to go and… You’re not… I’m really bad at words.”

Despite Sebastian’s lack of speaking skills, Lucien understood what he was talking about. He just wanted him to be safe. It was nice of him, really. But Lucien felt like Sebastian’s kindness was misplaced. He didn’t deserve it.

“Thanks Seb. You’re a really nice guy.”

“Yeah…” Sebastian nervously bit his bottom lip and hesitantly put his hand on Lucien’s. “So um…”

“... We should probably head back to the other room.” Said Lucien quietly. “Sam and Abby will start talking if either wake up and see we’re both gone.”

“Yeah…”

Lucien quickly got up and went back to his sleeping bag, facing the wall. He could hear Sebastian do the same. As the room went dead quiet again, Lucien couldn’t help but feel an odd tingling sensation on the back of his hand where Sebastian touched him. It was a strange warm sensation that made it feel oddly happy. He wasn’t sure why.

***

The next day, around mid morning, Lucien parted from his friends and wandered over to his grandpa’s farm. Sam and Abby and told him they would drop by sometime in the afternoon to hang out with him. Sam and Sebastian then left Abby’s place and headed to their own homes.

Sebastian was kicking himself the whole time. During that night he had laid in his sleeping bag and stared up at the ceiling wondering why he was making such an effort for Lucien. The teen was seemingly hellbent on destroying himself. Not like he could really blame the other for what he was doing. But Sebastian just couldn’t stop thinking about them and worrying. It confused him to no end since he didn’t think about Sam and Abby the same way he did about Lucien. He’d known the two for way longer.

Hell, he was still questioning why he cared so much when he saw Lucien walk into the chapple and start praying to Yoba for forgiveness. He was pretty sure Lucien didn’t believe in Yoba. He had to be desperate to pray to a god that didn’t exist. But sitting next to him as he cried Sebastian had to finally acknowledge his feelings for the other teen. 

He felt something for him. A bond. An attachment. It was more than friendship, but he wouldn’t say it was love. He didn’t feel like what he felt for Lucien was strong enough to constitute as love. Love was too strong a words for a teen that just realised they might actually be gay, or at the very least bi.

When he touched Lucien’s hand he was going to say that he liked him, but that wasn’t going to happen. With the emotional state Lucien was in and after all he had been through there was no way of knowing how be might actually react to his confession. He probably wouldn’t accept it or think he was making fun of him. That would have been the worst. The last thing Sebastian wanted was for him to think he was making fun of him.

But what could he do now? Just because he liked Lucien didn’t mean everything would suddenly change. Lucien was still seeing that older guy and he probably didn’t trust people the same way other people did. He probably couldn’t handle it if someone actually liked him. He didn’t want Lucien to freak out anymore than he already had.

As he walked home he happened to spot Alex walking up to the spa. Probably going to use the gym there. It pissed Sebastian off to see him. Did he know what Lucien was doing at school? Was he one of the people buying Lucien’s time? If he was, he’d punch him. Sure Alex would probably beat the crap out of him, but he just wanted one good swing in first.

Before he knew it he was following Alex up the steps towards spa. “... Hey!”

Alex glanced over his shoulder and gave him a confused look. “Oh hey Sebastian. You need something?” He didn’t seem to understand what Sebastian would need to talk to him about.

“... Have you heard the rumors about Lucien?”

“Um… No… What rumors?” The jock seemed kind of nervous. “Haven’t heard anything about it. Nope.”

“The rumor that Lucien’s a prostitute and has been doing stuff with a lot of the guys in our year.” Deadpanned Sebastian. He wasn’t going to beat around the bush with Alex. Being straightforward with people like him was easier than trying to talk with subtlety.

A light blush quickly covered Alex’s face. “Oh um… Yeah that… I um… I might have heard of that happening…”

It was really disheartening to hear that. Sure Sebastian knew it was true, but it was still depressing to hear a third party confirm it. “So have you been buying his time?”

Alex’s face was burning red. “What? No I um… I would never… I’m not gay. I wouldn’t do something like that I um… I have to go now. Gym stuff…”

Sebastian clenched his jaw and glared at the other teen. Alex couldn’t lie for shit. “Oh no you fucking don’t. What the fuck did you do to him?!” He snapped. “What did you pay Lucien to do?”

Alex was still acting nervous. “Hey, whatever he said I did to him it was all his idea. You can’t blame this on me. I thought he was just joking… At least at the time I did anyway…”

“At the time?” Sebastian knew Alex wasn’t very smart. He could probably get the jock to confess what he did if he just tricked him a little with some confusing sentences, or Alex might just fuck up and confess on his own. Either option was good with Sebastian. “What do you mean at the time?”

“I don’t know…” Muttered Alex. “He just… He kissed me and then he said some things… And like, he asked me how much gold I had on me and we went to the bathrooms and like… Look, I thought he was joking. He’s the one that sucked my dick.”

“...” Sebastian was clenching his fists so tightly he could feel his nails digging into his palms. “So you paid him to suck your dick then told all your friends about it, huh?”

“What? No. I never told anyone about it. Shit, I’ve been avoiding him since then. Yeah sure it was good and all, but I don’t want to do that kind of stuff with him. I have no idea how people found out. I only heard about it when someone on the team told me about it after practice one day. I was really fucking shocked. I didn’t think he’d go and do that shit with other people.”

Now, Alex was many things, but making up convincing lies on the spot wasn’t one of them. More than likely Alex was telling the truth here. “So you’ve not being taking advantage of him?”

“No. Like… I guess I might have? But like I said I’ve been avoiding him for ages. That guy is fucking scary when he snaps.”

“Yeah he is…”

“...”

“...”

“So… Can I go now?”

“Hmm? Yeah just… Maybe you can make them leave Lucien alone?” Suggested Sebastian. As much as he hated asked Alex for help he couldn’t deny Alex had sway over the other kids at school. Hopefully if he did something then Sebastian would just have to worry about this sugar daddy bullshit. He still had to figure out how to handle that.

“You know I can’t make them do anything, right?” Asked Alex. “Sure if I said they shouldn’t be messing around with Lucien some of them might stop, but I know there are others that wouldn’t give a fuck.” 

Sebastian clenched his jaw. “You’re one of the first people he did something like this with right? Why don’t you take some responsibility? Maybe someone saw you two doing it and that’s how this shit started? If that’s the case you’re the reason there are rumors. You’re the reason everyone is abusing Lucien.” 

“What?!” Alex was shocked to hear that accusation. “Don’t you think you’re stretching it a bit? Isn’t it the fault of whoever started the rumour in the first place, not me?”

“Yeah, but you should still do something.” Said Sebastian. “You’ve been letting him self harm.” 

“What? No. I haven’t been giving him knives or drugs or anything.”

“Sex can be a form of self harm too.” Snapped Sebastian. “Lucien hates having sex and doing sexual things in general… Just stop it… He doesn’t deserve this.”

The wheels were slowly turning in Alex’s head as he processed what Sebastian just said. “Um…”

“... Just don’t fuck around with Lucien and try to stop people from fucking with him.” Muttered Sebastian. “If I could do it I would but no one at school gives a fuck about some emo teen… I don’t want bad things to happen to him.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll do what I can.” Muttered Alex. Yoba, Sebastian sure hoped that Alex would. The less people after Lucien for sex the better.

***

While this was going on Lucien was helping his grandpa build that pond for his duck. He was mainly laying out a waterproof tarp and playing rocks down on it. His grandpa happily supervised from the sidelines. It was obvious that the old man was over the moon that he was back in town.

“So how has school been?” He asked. “Any teachers giving you trouble?” 

“Nah. I’ve been keeping up with my studies.” Said Lucien. “The teachers have no reason to dislike me.” He picked up a few rocks and turned them over a few times in his hands before where to place them. The chickens and the duck were going to have the nicest pond ever. 

“Well that’s good.” The old man smiled and ran his fingers through his beard. “Have you and your friends been getting along?”

“... Yeah everything is good and-” A sudden chill ran up his spine and made him shudder.

His grandpa took notice. “You okay there Lucien?”

“Yeah… I just… Sudden goosebumps.”

“Ah, well you know what they say. When you get goosebumps it means someone’s talking about you.”

Lucien couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. “Maybe. Only good things I hope.”


	40. Ace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well after a while and taking all of Lucien's previous comments into consideration I have decided (finally) on Lucien's sexuality. He is not gay, bi, or pan. He's something else and I personally think it fits him really, really well. Also, just an FYI, even if his aunt didn't assault him he would have turned out that way. Kudos and comment when you can... Enjoy :D

Soon the pond was fixed and Lucien and his grandfather enjoyed watching the poultry enjoy the water. They wouldn’t stop pecking around the edges and the duck, Pip, was happily floating on the water and quacking up a storm. It made Lucien feel good to do something nice for them.

His grandpa smiled and put his hand on Lucien’s shoulder. “You did very good lad. Very good. Now, are you going to stay here or at one of your friend’s places? I’d love it if you stayed here tonight, but if you have plans I don’t mind.”

Honestly Lucien wasn’t sure where he was staying that night. “Um… I’ll see if someone is expecting me to stay at their place… But I um, I wouldn’t mind being here…”

His grandpa seemed overjoyed to hear that. “Well just let me know and I’ll get the cot all set up for you. I really enjoy having you here Lucien. You’re such a huge help.”

Lucien blushed a little and looked away. “Thanks...” It was nice to get praised by his grandpa like that.

“Come inside and I’ll fix us up a nice lunch.” Said the old man as he walked towards the farmhouse.

Lucien quietly followed behind him, keeping his head down as he did. Despite his reservations he still loved his grandpa. He didn’t want to disappoint him by letting him know all all the recent things that had happened to him. It would break his heart if he really knew. He’d probably completely give up on him. That might actually be for the best. 

His grandfather made a thing he called a farmer’s lunch for them to eat. It was pretty much just a parsnip omelette. It was nice with the spices that were mixed in with it. He couldn’t remember the last time he ate something like this. He hadn’t even had eggs in months. He usually just grabbed something from the corner store on the way to school. If he wasn’t fussy. It was nice.

“Oh, by the way Lucien tonight I am planning on having dinner with my friends Evelyn and George. If you’re staying with me tonight it would be really helpful.”

“Okay… I’ll have dinner with you.”

“Alright. Go to 1 River Road at around 6:30. Until then you can do as you please.”

“Thanks… I think I’ll walk around the farm for a bit, if you’re okay with that.”

“If that’s what you want to do I can’t stop you.”

“Thanks grandpa.” Lucien left the farmhouse and started to walk towards the furthest reaches of the farm. He wanted to be alone for a little while to think. Arguably he hadn’t been doing that a lot lately, or at least not doing it in a very helpful way lately.

He wondered if he was possible to change now. He felt dirty. He looked dirty. He had dirt under his nails. He should have washed his hands properly before he had lunch. He was dirty. Dirty, dirty, dirty. It made his stomach turn. He felt the eggs bubble up his throat. He ran behind a tree and vomited everything in his stomach. He felt dizzy and hated himself.

He sniffled a little and started to rub the tears out of his eyes. He did a good thing for his grandpa, but why didn’t he feel good about it? He just felt disgusting and dirty. He just wanted to be happy. Why couldn’t he be happy? Why was he so disgusting and unclean? He didn’t want this.

He walked over to the pond and crouched down next to it and stared at his reflection for a bit. Lucien hated how he looked. He was too skinny in places since he didn’t eat well. His eyes were dull and his hair looked all gross and matted. He hated it. He just looked so… So fucking disgusting. He was unclean. 

Without really thinking he splashed some water on his face and then he started to splash water on his arms and rub them repeatedly. He was gross. Dirty. He needed soap or maybe something more powerful? Like bleach? Not straight bleach of course, but maybe he could dilute some in bathwater and soak in it? Bleach got rid of dirt and stains. Maybe it would work on him too?

Why wasn’t he clean yet? What was wrong with him? Why did he do this to himself? Everything hurt. Why did everything have to hurt? Was he not opening himself up enough or something? Was his aunt right about him not fully accepting the so called love that was forced in him by everyone else? He didn’t get it. He didn’t understand. Why was everything hurting?

He stopped rubbing his arms and looked down. Lucien was surprised to see that at some point he had stopped rubbing his arms and had started scratching at his arms. He had a bunch of very angry red looking lines all up his forearms. Was this going to lead to self-mutilation?

Lucien really hoped not. He didn’t like thinking that he was starting to go down that path. He had enough health issues to deal with without having to worry about accidentally cutting too deep and killing himself or some kind of blood infection. He was still trying to figure out what kinds of STI’s he could get with and without a condom. He kind of wanted to scream at this point.

His mind was all fucked up. Everything inside his head was fucked. What could he do? What was he going to do? Everything hurt. He felt like there was a loud buzzing inside his head as everything inside his mind was just screaming all at once. Why wasn’t it like this in the city? Was it the noise there? Did the noise drown everything out? He didn’t understand. Why was he like this? What was wrong with him?

Maybe he should see a doctor or something? The clinic in town should be open. If he was lucky maybe Harvey could prescribe him with something strong enough to numb his brain… But in a little while. He would go when his legs didn’t feel like they were going to give out if he tried to stand.

He started scratching his arms again.

***

Around midday Abby managed to slip out of her house and happily stretched. It felt good to be out in the sun every once in a while. She looked around the town square, and paused when she saw Lucien standing in front of the clinic door. His forehead was pressed against the wood and his hand limply rested on the door handle. 

“...?” She walked over to him and tapped his shoulder. “Yo? What’s up?”

“I wanted to see the doctor but like I guess he’s not in today…”

“Well it’s around lunch time. Harvey’s probably gone to eat something?” She suggested.

“... Yeah. That’s fair enough.”

She smiled a little at him. “So, why did you need to see him in the first place? Feeling sick or something? Stepped on a rusty nail?”

“Just some personal stuff, but like it’s not life threatening.”

Abby wasn’t too sure if she should try and pry into Lucien’s personal life. She probably wouldn’t like the answer. “Hey, why don’t we go for a walk? Every been to the secret woods?”

“No.”

“Perfect. You’ll love it. Harvey should be back by then anyway.” She took Lucien by the hand and happily lead him towards the forest. 

The pair very quickly found their way into the secret woods and sat on a tree stump. Lucien seemed to like the quiet calm of this place. He closed his eyes and sighed contently as the wind blew through his hair. She smiled at him and couldn’t help but feel like he looked like a doll or something. He was sitting so still and unmoving.

“... So can I ask you something Lucien?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you gay?”

It took a little while for Lucien to answer as he seemed to think it all over. “I’m not sure. Maybe? I don’t think that I actually like men or women that way… I’m just kind of doing it with guys because well… Let’s face it, guys are absolute sluts and jump at the chance to get their dick wet.”

“Huh, so like you’re ace?”

“What?”

“Asexual.” Clarified Abby. “It means that you’re not sexually attracted to men or women. There’s like a whole different variations of it too. I found that out when I asked Emily why she was wearing a pin with pink, white, and blue stripes.” She sighed heavily. “I got a whole lecture about LGBTQ+ history, what every latter means, what the plus means and so on. Asexual was one of them. Also, the pin was for pansexuals. Had nothing to do with asexual people.”

“Huh… Maybe I am asexual?” Lucien looked a little confused but he seemed to be taking what she said into serious consideration. “... But doesn’t that mean there’s something wrong with me?”

“Bitch please. Not feeling sexual attraction is fine. Anyone who says it’s unnatural is a fucking tool.”

“... Thanks.”

She smiled little and him and lightly nudged his arm. “You know you can talk to any of us, right? Me, Sam, and Sebastian are all here for you. You’re our friend and we all care about you. You know that right?”

He smiled back at her. “Thanks Abby.”

That made Abby happy. Sure she knew she probably wasn’t the best person to talk to about this kind of stuff, but she was just happy she and Lucien were talking. They didn’t really need to talk about all the stuff that was happening at school. They could just talk about random stuff and not have it be weird. Plus she was kind of happy that she was able to help him with his sexuality a little. She was happy to help.

“So um, what about you?” He asked. “Are you straight?”

“I’m bi with a preference for guys. But you know, each to their own.” Said Abby. She hummed a little and kicked the heels of her shoes against the tree stump. “You know what would be cool? If someday we could live in a world were none of that shit really mattered. You know? But I guess the only way that will happen is when the old people die off from being bitter and old.”

“That sounds about right.” Lucien sighed a little and leaned back. “So… didn’t Sam and Seb want to meet up with us or something after lunch?”

“... Fuck ‘em. We’re having us time now. They’ll figure it out.”

“Oh, okay.”

***

Lucien still felt a little bad about ditching Sam and Sebastian to hang out with Abby, but it was nice to talk with her. Though they kind of talked for a lot longer than he thought they would, so he didn’t end up going to see Harvey at the clinic. At least he made it to the right address on time.

He was greeted at the door by an old woman. She smiled sweetly at him. “Ah, you must be Isaac’s grandson. It’s lovely to meet you. Come in. Come in.” She happily ushered him inside. “I’m Evelyn, but you can call me grandma if you like dear.” She showed him the living room where an old man in a wheelchair. He was watching TV. “That’s my husband George. Don’t take it to heart if he’s a little rude to you. He doesn’t mean it dear.” She looked over at George. “George, come and say hello to Isaac’s grandson.”

The old man huffed a little in annoyance. Probably because he had been interrupted from watching whatever he was watching on TV. He looked up at Lucien and frowned a little. “So you’re his grandson huh? You any good at framing like him?”

“Um… He’s let me help out with the chickens and duck.”

George muttered something and went back to watching TV. Evelyn sighed a little and shook her head. She clearly wasn’t a fan for George’s behaviour. “Okay dear. Why don’t you go and wash up? Your grandpa will be here soon. The bathroom is the first door on the left. Has a little painting of a lilypad on it.”

“Thank you.” Lucien headed to the bathroom and washed his hands. He still felt kind of dirty and gross but after his talk with Abby he didn’t feel that bad. He just needed someone to talk to for a bit and he was glad she did it.

Suddenly Alex pulled open the bathroom door and was staring at him in shock. “Um… hello?”

“Hey.” Lucien rinsed off his hands and dried them on his pants. “So I guess this is where you live? Your grandparents seem pretty nice.” 

“... Yeah they are. So why are you here?”

“My grandpa said I should come… Should I have not?”

“No, you just surprised me. That’s all… I guess I didn’t quite hear her when she said someone else was coming over for dinner. So you going to get out of the way or just keep standing there?”

“Right…” He quickly left the bathroom and walked into the kitchen to see if he could help Evelyn with anything. The old woman was taking something wrapped in foil out of the oven. It smelt really good. “What did you cook?”

“Salmon with lemon and dill potatoes and asparagus. Oh I do hope you’re not allergic to fish…” 

“Oh no. I’m not allergic to fish at all. Please allow me to help you set the table. It’s the least I can do as a sudden and kind of unexpected guest.”

“Oh no, sit down, You don’t have to worry about a thing. I insist.” There was a little bit of arguing between them as Lucien trived in a very polite way to help Evelyn out somehow but the old woman insisted that he sit at the table. During this Isaac happened to arrive.

“Now what’s all this hullabaloo?” He asked.

Evelyn chuckled and shook her head. “Oh Isaac you have a very wonderful grandon. He keeps insisting that he help out. Isn’t it wonderful? Alex is the same way when he’s not busy in his room.”

Isaac laughed a little and shook his head. “That’s Lucien for you. He does love helping out whoever he can. Go sit at the table. I’ll let George and Alex know it’s time to eat.”

Soon everyone was sitting at the table and eating. The conversation was mainly dominated by the older folks while Alex and Lucien ate in relative silence. Every once in a while Alex would cast a look his way and blush a little. It was kind of cute and made Lucien smile. Alex was so adorable at times. He really didn’t know how to act around him anymore, did he?

Before he realised it the food on his place was gone and he had assumed that there wasn’t going to be anything else. However Evelyn pulled out a huge chocolate cake and everyone was expected to have a really big slice. Especially him and Alex because they were growing boys or something along those lines.

It was so much food. Thankfully, because George, Evelyn and Isaac were old, all three of them called it a night relatively quickly. So he and Alex didn’t have to make any awkward small talk. They said their goodbyes and walked back to the farm.

“So, did you have a good time tonight Lucien?” He asked.

“It was okay grandpa. I’m glad you’re so well liked here.”

The old man laughed. “Well that’s just how it is.George and and Evelyn have been my friends since we were young teens, much like yourself… Do you get along well with their grandson?”

“Alex? Um, yeah I guess you can say that. We aren’t friends per say, but we are nice enough to each other I guess.”

“That’s good. Any plans tomorrow?”

“I can help you out around the farm if you want.”

His grandpa beamed with pride. “Starting to take after your old man now are you? Interested in the joys of farming?”

“I guess?”

“Well I’ll see what I can do for you Lucien. You’re a good kid.”

He didn’t feel like a good kid. “Thanks.”


	41. Skipping stones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucien does some thinking and Sebastian talks about why he has a problem with Maru. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

The next day Lucien did help his grandpa out more with his farm. He wasn’t too sure if he was actually being helpful or useful at all to the older man be he liked to think that maybe he was. That would have been nice. It was nice to think that for once maybe he was useful to someone.

His grandpa showed him how to water the crops and how to tell what fruit needed to be picked from the fruit trees. Lucien was surprised to learn that there was a lot more to this than he had initially thought. Much to his surprise his grandpa let him off relatively early. It was only just midmorning by this point.

He didn’t really know what to do with himself so he decided to take the back way up to the mountains. He kind of wondered if anything had fallen off the trains recently. It might be worthwhile to take a look around.

Unfortunately his efforts came up with nothing and he just ended up watching a train go by when he heard the whistle blow. For a brief moment he wondered what it might possibly feel like to get hit by one or more of these things. Very, very painful. At least for a moment. That was if he was lucky and died suddenly. He couldn’t see himself being that lucky. He couldn’t see himself being that lucky. He’d he dragged along the track for miles before his body would allow him to die.

Once the train had passed he was surprised to see Sebastian standing a little bit away on the other side of the tracks. He too was looking for random stuff that had fallen out of the train? The raven haired teen looked up at him and waved. Lucien waved back and the two of them walked towards each other. They stood facing each other on different sides of the track.

“Hey.” Said Sebastian.

“Hey. What are you doing here?”

“Getting out of the house before Demetrius can bitch and moan about me staying inside all weekend again. You?”

“I helped my grandpa with farmwork and then he let me go.”

“Oh, so no plans for the rest of the day?”

“Not really. I was thinking about heading home later today and like you know, change into something else. I’ve been wearing the same thing since Friday.”

“Oh yeah…” Sebastian frowned a little. “You haven’t had a chance to shower or anything since you got here have you?”

“Nah, it’s been pretty gross really. Considering how gross I am I’m surprised Abby talked to me for as long as she did.”

He frowned a little when Lucien said that. “Right… So you two ended yp talking for a long time about stuff… Sam and I couldn’t find you two at all.”

“Yeah. We had a talk about stuff… I think I’m asexual.”

“Huh?”

Lucien blushed a little and looked down at the tracks. “I don’t think I’m attracted to men or women sexually at all. Female bodies make me feel sick. Similar with male bodies, but I’m less disgusted by them. Maybe it’s because I’m male myself? I don’t know.”

“But you have sex anyway even when you think it’s gross?”

Lucien shrugged. “People do a lot of things they find gross because people will love them for it if they do… I don’t know if I’ve always been ace. The way I’ve always seen it, sex, no matter who it was with, is gross… I don’t know if what happened to me has made ace, but it just feels right to me. I don’t know why.”

“Oh…” For some reason Sebastian looked a little disappointed. “If you find it gross you shouldn’t do it. That shit’s bad for your mental health.” 

“I know, but I like the praise I get more. I know it’s sick but it makes me feel better… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to me… It’s your life and you gotta do what you gotta do, right?”

“I guess so.”

“Yeah… So you can’t see yourself with anyone, ever?”

Lucien shrugged. “Someday I want to have some kind of romantic relationship with someone. Like a proper genuine one… But considering our age group whoever I try to be with will expect sex at some point.” He laughed a little. “It’s pretty awful. I’m a real pushover when it comes to that kind of stuff. Anyone shows any interest in me and I’ll let them take advantage of me…”

“... Hey from now on at school we’re going to stick close to you, okay? No one’s going to get the chance to take advantage of you anymore. Okay?”

“... I still don’t understand why any of you would care about me so much.” Said Lucien quietly.

“Because you’re our friend you moron.” Said Sebastian. “I know you haven’t been around people that care about you very much your whole life but we care about you. When you care about someone you actually make an effort to help them… I don’t know why this is so hard for you to understand.”

Lucien smiled a little and walked over to Sebastian’s side of the tracks. “Sorry. My brain isn’t normal like yours.”

“You don’t need to be sorry. Just try and understand… Next Sunday come to town. Sleepover at your grandpa’s place.”

“Why?”

Sebastian frowned a little and shoved his hands into his pockets. “It’ll be the last day of Summer. We have a festival here called the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies. Thought you might want to see it… It’s a late night event. The bus won’t be running. I think it would be cool if you came.”

“I see… I’ll think about it.” In Lucien’s mind it almost sounded like Sebastian was asking him out or something. Though if he was honest with himself that was probably just his mind trying to make connections where there were none. It wouldn’t have been the first time. Sebastian was just his friend. All he wanted was to be his friend. He had made that very clear. Because he was unclean.

The two of them walked down past Sebastian’s house and towards the lake in front of the mines. Sebastian picked up a few stones and skipped them across the surface. He got three skips in before the rock sank.

“Impressive.”

“Not really. Maru can do five skips.”

Lucien gave Sebastian a slightly confused look. It was sometimes hard to remember that other people had problems too. They might not have been as extreme as his but they were just as important. The few times Sebastian mentioned his half sister it was always bitter and with disdain. 

Since they were half siblings it was pretty easy to see that at least one, if not both of his parents favoured the child that they both had a hand in making. Sebastian was just thrown to the side and left to his own devices. Maybe Maru was a spoilt child? If she was that would be even worse. They might rub their parents love in his face. 

What would he do if he had a younger sibling? Male or female he knew he would have protected them no matter what happened. He would go through everything with his father and his aunt to make sure that they were safe and remained innocent. Well as innocent as a child in that situation could.

“Is Maru a show off?” He asked.

Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t think she means to… But dad just loves showing off her stuff. In his lab, if you ever look in there, there’s a huge shelf will all kinds of awards and trophies. Only the most significant ones Maru earns end up in there. Nothing of mine has ever made it there.”

“Oh… What stuff have you won, if you don’t mind me asking…”

“I won the egg hunting competition one year in town when I was really, really little.” Said Sebastian. “The prize was a void egg. I still have it in my room… I also won a few maths competitions when I first started high school. But like, after a while I didn’t see the point. I just won some laminated certificate saying I placed top five in our region, but Maru made a radio function using potato batteries. I did a piano recital in my last year of primary school and played an almost flawless rendition of La Capanella, but Maru won a trophy in her junior science fair. I’m never going to be as good as the golden child.”

Yeah, Sebastian seemed pretty salty about this.

Lucien placed his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. “If it makes you feel any better I think you’re pretty cool… You’ve known so much about me. Known all the horrible things that are going on with me but you still want to be around me. I honestly have no idea why. I know I don’t deserve it… and it makes me happy.”

Sebastian seemed to hesitate for a moment before he put his hand over Lucien’s. “Thanks. You didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. You know that right?”

“... Thank you.”

“... You still feel like you deserved it, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” He knew that he did. Everything that he did, everything that he had done, how could he not deserve it? He deserved this hell. Everything that happened to him was all his fault. If he had just been a better person things would have been fine. But nothing was fine. He did terrible things and deserved terrible things to happen to him.

Sebastian sighed a little and squeezed his hand. “It’s gonna take a while before you stop thinking that kind of stuff, huh?”

“... Yeah. Some days it’s harder than others.” He cleared his throat a little. “But hey enough about me for the moment. I still think it’s really cool that you were able to skip a stone. I can’t do that. It’s really cool.”

“Thanks.” He passed Lucien one. “Want to have a go?”

“Um, okay…” Lucien attempted to skip the stone, but it pretty much sank down to the bottom of the lake as soon as it hit the water. “... Yeah, I’m not good at this kind of stuff.”

“Nah you can do it. Here, let me show you.” He moved Lucien’s hand over the rock and demonstrated how to throw it. With his directions Lucien threw the rock and managed to skip it twice before it sank. “There you go. Told you you could do it.”

Lucien laughed a little and smiled. “Wow, I didn’t think I could do that. Thanks.”

Suddenly Sebastian’s half sister walked over with some test tubes in a tray and started collecting some water sample a little down stream of them. Her being there made Sebastian become a little tense. He didn’t seem to like her being there.

“What are you doing here?” He asked.

Maru paid no mind to him and continued collecting her samples. “I’m getting a head start on my science project. I’m going to look at the algae bloom in the different water systems during the colder months and see if there’s any correlation data between fall bloom and Spring bloom.”

“Using Demetrius’s data for the Spring stuff?” Asked Sebastian.

“Yeah. What are you two doing?”

“Skipping stones.” Sebastian grabbed a stone and quickly flung it across the lake. Unfortunately the stone hit the water and sank without skipping once. Sebastian’s face burned with embarrassment. 

Maru just nodded and finished collecting her samples. “I see. Well good luck with that. You’ll do better if you get a flatter stone.”

“I know Maru.” Sebastian muttered. “I’m not stupid.”

“... Sorry. What crawled up your butt and died?” She muttered as she finished gathering her things. “Oh, by the way mum said you’re eating dinner with everyone tonight.”

“Whatever…”

Lucien felt a little awkward hearing that conversation. “Um… So…”

“... Sorry. I just…” Sebastian groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. “She just rubs me the wrong way. She’s such an overachiever…. I know she’s not trying to rub it in my face but… Fuck… You know?”

He shrugged. “I guess? I don’t really have siblings so…”

“Oh, yeah… right… Sorry. I just have some issues with Maru...”

Lucien smiled a little. “Nah, it’s cool. I understand… Um, I should probably think about heading down to the bus stop and like, saying bye to my grandpa… I still need to get home and stuff.”

“Yeah, right… Um I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow then?”

“Yep. See you around Sebastian.” Lucien patted him on his back and headed back to the farm to find his grandpa.

***

Lucien got back to his apartment around six that night. He bought some cheap takeaway near the bus terminal and ended up watching TV while eating the overly greasy deep fried chicken and overly salted chips. It made him feel a little ill, but it was fine. Everything that had happened that weekend had been fine.

He watched the TV. He didn’t really care what was on he just liked the noise going on in the background as he ate. Being here was better than being in the country at night. It was too quiet. His mind would wander. She would come back. He didn’t want that to happen.

He peeled the crumbed and battered skin off the chicken and ate it. He still didn’t know why she was still around. Haunting him. He still wasn’t too sure why she had returned to his mind. But he had a very, very good idea why she was there. It was something he didn’t want to admit and had purposefully suppressed it over and over again. 

Lucien was just like his aunt. Through Yoba’s venomous touch he had inherited his aunt’s madness. His madness had manifested itself into his aunt to torment him. He knew that being related to someone with schizophrenia meant he had a stronger chance of developing it himself, but he thought he was okay. He assumed all his visual and auditory hallucinations were the the result of his PTSD. But he knew it wasn’t real. He wasn’t crazy. He was just sick. That’s all. 

But he needed to distract himself. He’d just turn up his TV a little and eat more of the food. He bit into some chicken and froze in disgust when he felt something squirm around in his mouth. Immediately he spat it out and was horrified to see he had bitten into a grotesque mix of chicken and maggots. He looked back at the food in his hands and dropped it when he found that it was covered in maggots too. 

He pushed it away and tried to curl up in on himself. None of this was real. He knew that. Was is possible to be so insane that you realise you’re insane? But then didn’t he run the risk of believing nothing is real and start doing really dangerous things like trying to walk off his apartment building? He had no idea. What was he meant to do? 

Why did it have to be maggots? He knew he was unclean he didn’t need his subconscious spelling it out for him. Should he actually seek help from someone? His aunt’s doctor would be a good start… However if he went to that man would he place him in a place like his aunt? How would that even work? His aunt was able to stay there because it was funded by her criminal conviction. Lucien didn’t think his dad would support him once he turned eighteen, and James was a nice guy, but he probably wouldn’t fund his stay in a place like this. 

He looked down at the chicken he had spat out on the floor. Maggot free. He looked back at the food he had pushed away. Maggot free. Lucien let out a small sigh of relief. He was over it. His mind was over whatever weird BS it was trying to process. He cleaned up the mess he had made on the floor and went back to eating.

***

Sebastian felt depressed. All things considered he and Lucien had gotten closer or something like that, but still felt depressed. Was it because of how adimate Lucien had been about hating sex and saying he was asexual? Possibly. He had just acknowledged to himself that he liked the other teen and now that fleeting feeling he had of possibly being more than friends but that was shot down in a snap. 

Granted he was happy that Lucien had found himself in a way, but he didn’t still couldn’t help but feel bad. Lucien hated sex. Lucien hated everything to do with sex. He just did it because he was good at it and people liked him when he did it. Surely he knew they didn’t really like them. They just liked what he did. They didn’t care about him. They liked his body. That’s all it was.

He, Sam, and Abby had decided to chill in Abby’s room and play some video games. Sebastian sat back and let his friends play some racing game. He was still deep in his thoughts about Lucien.

“Hey, Abby?”

“Kind of busy emo child.” She muttered.

Sam smirked. “Yeah, busy getting your ass beaten.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Whatever… So like, asexual means you don’t want to be romantically involved with anyone ever. Right? You just want to be alone?”

Abby made a frustrated noise as Sam’s character passed her. “No dipshit. That’s aromantic. Asexuals just don’t feel the need to go to bonetown with someone they like. Aromantics are people that are cool with friendship but don’t see the need or want to have a romantic partner and- FUCK OFF SAM!!!”

Sam smirked as his character crossed the finish line. “Well aren’t you all salty today for no reason. It’s just a game Abby.”

“Bitch I will scratch your eyes out.” She snarled.

Sebastian snapped his fingers repeatedly. “Focus Abby. Focus. So if someone was asexual they could still fall in love with someone?”

“Yeah.” She looked over at him and frowned. “Is this about Lucien being asexual?”

Sam had a confused look on his face. “Lucien’s ace?”

Abby nodded. “Yeah. We figured that out the other day. So why asking all those questions Seb? You actually got a crush on him?”

Sebastian blushed a little and reluctantly nodded. “Yeah… But like I just don’t want to hurt him… As he is right now if I say the wrong thing or do something he’ll just completely dismiss me or like just… I have no idea…”

Sam frowned a little. “Well… you know we’re starting to help him out now, right? We’re going to make sure no one corners him and tries to do anything to him anymore. That’s a good start, right?”

“Yeah…” Sebastian put his head in his hands. “Argh, this is just… it’s difficult. Why did I have to start crushing on a guy like him?”

“Because you’re a dumb bastard?” Suggested Abby. “Look, I think we can all agree that right now the last thing Lucien needs is the stress of a romantic relationship. We have to go and make sure that those guys stop doing those things to him… Fuck those guys.”

Sam nodded in agreement. “We’ll keep the away from him. Soon they’ll understand that Lucien is off limits and they’ll have to go back to their hands. Fuckers.”

Sebastian sighed a little. Even if they were able to stop Lucien from prostituting himself out at school, he still had that sugar daddy to deal with. He still didn’t even know the name of that person. All he had was the number plate of his car. And he wasn’t able to do anything with that. There was no registry anyone would be able to use to look up to find out the owner of the car. At least not unless he was part of law enforcement. 

He really wanted to know who this guy was. Obviously he was loaded with cash. He drove an aston martin. The only other things he knew about him was that he was much older than Lucien, was into BDSM, and he liked younger people. That was all. He had no idea how to find out more about this guy without asking Lucien, and Lucien would probably just deflect and not give away anything about him if he could help it. If Sebastian knew anything about Lucien, it was how he was able to lie and cover up what he was really thinking and feeling.


	42. Assault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning this chapter does get pretty dark. I didn't call it assault for nothing. The again you might not think it's that bad, but this is your one and only warning for this chapter. Also minor religious bashing of gay people. So nasty stuff happening in this chapter. Okay? Okay. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy.

Monday came and Lucien felt dead tired. The night before he had been plagued with disturbed thoughts centered around his aunt telling him he was disgusting and gross. But he was able to get some sleep and now he was at school. He managed to catch an early bus and was waiting by the school gate for the bus from Stardew Valley to get there.

As he waited his homeroom teacher approached him. “Hey there Lucien.”

Lucien nodded. “Morning sir.”

“Yeah… Could you follow me for a moment? There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Okay.” Lucien followed the teacher to the homeroom. More than likely he was going to get him to carry stuff to the staff room or something. That was what some of the other teachers had done with him before.

Once they were in the classroom the teacher closed the door and sighed a little. “Look… I know this is probably nothing but some of the teachers have been hearing a rather strange rumor about you going around. I just wanted to know how true it is.”

“... Sir?” Lucien was just going to play dumb. He had a good idea what it could be, but if there was something worse going around about him he didn’t want to just incriminate himself suddenly.

His feigned confusion seemed to make the teacher uncomfortable. Like he didn’t want to explain it. “You see… Some other teachers have heard that you have been doing things you shouldn’t be doing on school grounds… Sleeping around…”

Okay, that was fine. Lucien could deal with that. It wasn’t like he didn’t expect this to happen sooner or later. “Oh, I see. I’ve heard those rumors too.” He smiled at his teacher and did his best to alleviate his concerns. “I think this all started because I said something about rather being a male hooker than going to one of those book of Yoba meetings. One of the members or someone that overheard me say that might have spread it around and it evolved into me sleeping around with other students.”

The teacher seemed relieved to hear that. “Okay. Good. I’m glad you aren’t doing that kind of stuff… Not that it’s wrong or anything but you know, you’re a senior. You have exams and study to worry about. You don’t need to worry about relationship drama too.”

Lucien suspected he also felt uncomfortable about thinking of his students as sexual beings. That was actually kind of nice. It made a nice change from the predatory teacher that tried to get with their students as portrayed in some try hard edgy media. This guy was one of the good ones.

“I know. There’s no one at this school that I like in that way anyway.” Said Lucien. “I also know it’s practically impossible for someone to get rid of labels in high school. Since I graduate this year I don’t think that I’ll be able to shake that label before then… But I’m not doing that kind of stuff.” He lied.

“Okay. That’s good to know.” The teacher smiled a little. “You can go get your books now Lucien. Homeroom starts in ten.”

“Thanks sir.” Lucien left the classroom and headed towards his locker. The hallways were full of students now. When he got to his locker to get his books he found a few notes in there. He had gotten three requests from boys to meet up with him in certain places around the school at certain parts of the day for blow jobs or something similar. He was actually surprised no one had tried to fuck him yet. Maybe they were all thinking it wasn't gay if they didn't do it in the butt or something? Boys were really freaking weird like that sometimes. 

Suddenly Abby was by his side and she ripped the notes out of his hands and crumpled them up into a ball. She then shoved them into her pocket. “Morning.” She said like she didn’t just do that.

“... Hey?”

“So you got home alright yesterday?”

“See any stab wounds?”

“Not at the moment… Come on. Seb and Sam are already walking to homeroom.”

Lucien nodded and quickly grabbed his things. “So um…”

“Why weren’t you outside waiting for us?” Asked Abby. “Did someone... you know?”

“No. The homeroom teacher wanted to talk to me.” Said Lucien. “Apparently he and the other teachers have heard about my other activities.”

“Oh shit. What did you tell him?”

“I lied. I just didn’t want him to worry or teachers thinking I whore myself out to the guys in school… Even though I kind of do…” He sighed. This would all be over by the end of the year. He wouldn’t have to worry about it once he didn’t have to go to school anymore.

They got to homeroom and the day started off as normal. Nothing really weird happened, but whenever someone tried to pass Lucien a note it was always intercepted by his friends who would then death glare the boy who tried to pass him the note. Lucien knew that they were just looking out for him but he wondered what everyone else was thinking about this. If he ended up getting cornered by one or two of them things could get pretty bad. They might get violent with him. Then again he probably shouldn’t think so poorly of people his age. They might get pissed, but it wasn’t like they would riot over not getting their dick wet.

They had lunch on the roof again. His friends seemed to be surprised that Lucien had a bento box. Lucien just smiled and happily ate his shrimp nigiri. “A sushi place opened up near the bus terminal.” He said. “In the morning they sell these boxes and then from lunch onward it’s a sushi train.”

Sebastian perked up when he heard that. “Sushi train?”

“Yeah. I’d love to eat there at lunch or dinner time some day, but it’s always packed on the weekends.” Lucien happily ate some more nigiri. “This is so good. I love it.”

Sam grinned. “You’re just like Sebastian. Now you’re a sushi lover.”

“Can’t help it. It tastes good.”

Abby chuckled. “Yeah, you two are made for each other. Sushi lovers. How much wasabi do you put on it?”

“Not a huge fan of wasabi.” Said Lucien. “Still tasty though.” He sat quietly and ate the rest of his food in peace. He wouldn’t tell anyone, but eating sushi had the same affect on him as the smell of cinnamon. It made him happy and feel good about himself and the world. Even if just for a little bit.

***

Sebastian was happy that Lucien seemed to be feeling good today. He needed to have more good days than bad days. He was also glad that Lucien had developed a taste for sushi. Maybe he could take Lucien out somewhere like that for lunch? He’d like that. He wanted to see Lucien smile when they went out somewhere to eat.

Once he had finished eating he left the group to go and use the bathroom. Along the way he kind of felt that eyes were on him. A little more so than usual. Possibly because of how aggressively he and his friends had been blocking any notes being handed to Lucien. Not that he cared much. They could stare as much as they liked. It didn’t make a difference to him.

Suddenly Sebastian got shoved against a locker. He half expected it to be one of those asshole jocks but no. To his surprise it was Noah and some of his sheeple. “What do you want?” Sebastian hissed. 

Noah just smirked at him. “What? Is it our fault you don’t watch where you’re going now? So where’s your friend Lucien? We’ve heard some rather nasty things about him and want to make sure it isn’t true.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “None of it’s true. Why don’t you go snort a book of Yoba or whatever you freaks do? Leave us alone… Besides, wouldn’t you idiots only know about the rumor if one of you tried it? So which one of you is the closet gay?”

Hearing that accusation seemed to fluster the other teens. “None of us are gay.” Snapped Noah. “None of us would fall for that sin, but I guess something like you would just love it if everyone was gay. A disgusting thing like you just spreading your disease around and we all just have to accept it and worry about getting infected too?”

“... You know you can’t catch gay right? It’s not something you can catch.” These people were insane. They just wanted to keep spewing all this hateful bullshit on anyone who would listen, and then double down when someone called them out on it. He just wanted to strangle them to get them to shut up, but he was better than that. He took a deep breath, attempted to walk by them, and head to the bathroom but they kept following him.

“Be ignorant all you want but he’s going to burn just like you if he doesn’t get help. You really want to drag him down to your level?”

Sebastian didn't want to show them he was mad. That would only encourage the stupid fanatics. So instead he yawned. “You know you sound like a broken record? No one in their right mind needs religion to heal or anything like that. Pull your head out of your ass and piss off already.”

“Just get Lucien to come to one of our meetings.”

“No.”

“It’s good for him.”

“Yeah, like a bullet to the brain.”

“He needs to ask Yoba for forgiveness.”

“Piss off.”

“You’re just walking away from the truth!”

“I’m walking to the bathroom so I can take a piss!” Snapped Sebastian. “You want to come in with me and watch me take my dick out and pee into a urinal? How very straight of you! Let me piss in peace!”

Hearing that kind of made the other boys back off a little and they let him go. It was frustrating for Sebastian, but at least they were going after him and not Lucien. Lucien didn’t deserve to have to deal with this kind of stress.

He managed to make it to the bathroom, relieved himself, washed his hands, and attempted to leave. However as soon as he did he was met with a two jocks outside and they pushed him back in. They did not seem happy.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” One of them growled.

Sebastian put up his hands and played dumb. “Um… Take your pick?”

“Smart ass.” They shoved Sebastian against the wall. “Why the fuck are you and your burnout friends taking the notes we’re trying to give to Lucien? You and your friends getting greedy or something?”

“... Are you suggesting we’re all fucking Lucien?” Sebastian was so confused, but also angry. Why were they acting so fucking entitled? Lucien was human. He had his own thoughts and feelings. Why were they talking like Sebastian and his friends had taken away their toy? Lucien wasn’t a toy. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Lucien made a fucking mistake and we’re just trying to help him and fucking assholes like you meatheads aren’t helping anything!”

Hearing that one of the jocks hit Sebastian in the face. His head snapped back and hit the tiled wall. He saw stars and awkwardly fell to his knees. He was dizzy and seeing stars. While he was still in a daze he got yanked to his feet and pulled out of the bathroom. He ended up being dragged down the hallway and thrown into the sports store room. From there they used skipping ropes to tie him up. They also shoved a tennis ball in his mouth and tied a velcro belt around his mouth to gag him.

They then closed the door and left him there. “... Hmph!” Sebastian struggled a little, but he was pretty much stuck. Perfect. It was last year all over again. At least this time he hadn’t had the shit beaten out of him. He sighed heavily through his nose and gave up. Sooner or later Sam and Abby would figure out he had gotten into trouble again and come look for him. There were only so many placed the jocks would take him. Maybe they would be cool and get him a painkiller too? He kind of had a headache now. 

***

“... What’s taking Sebastian so long?” Asked Sam to no one in particular. 

Abby shrugged. “Taking a shit?”

Lucien rolled his eyes. “Ew. Really? That’s the first thing you think of?”

She shrugged. “Well it’s either that or like you know, a teacher’s called him up or like he’s getting beaten up again.”

Sam nodded a little. “Yeah I guess… But what’s the chances of that happening?”

“Yeah…” The group was quiet for a few minutes before Abby sighed loudly and stretched. “Right. I am paranoid as fuck. Sam, you check behind the gym. I’ll head to the teachers parking lot. Lucien, you know where the sports store room is, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah, it’s by the gym, right?”

“Right. Let’s go.”

The trio quickly split off. Lucien and Sam went to the gym and quickly split off again to go to their own destinations. Sam went around the back of the gym and Lucien entered the store room. He immediately found Sebastian tied up and gagged. He quickly took the gag off Sebastian and sighed a little. 

“You okay?”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah. Stupid fucking jocks got pissed off at me and decided to do this shit to me. Assholes.”

“Yeah… they kind of suck.”

“Kind of?!” Asked Sebastian in disbelief. “They smashed my head into a wall and tied me up! It’s fucked up!”

Lucien sighed a little and attempted to untie his hands, but the knot was too tight. “... They really know how to tie knots huh?”

“Yeah… Try my ankles. I think that’s looser.”

“Okay.” Lucien started on his ankles and just managed to get him free when the door opened and the jocks walked in. Judging from the pissed look on Sebastian’s face, these were the guys that put him in the store room.

“Thought we saw you coming this way.” Said one of them. “Have you been avoiding us or something?”

“...” Lucien slowly stood up and smiled sweetly at them. He quickly came up with a lie to try and calm them but also make them feel like shit. “Well considering one of you nasty fuckers happened to give me a yeast infection in my throat I thought it might be a good thing not to spread it around, you know? I would have thought I was doing you all a favour, or did you all want a fungal infection on your dicks?”

They seemed a little grossed out by that, but the power of boners and teenage stupidity would never cease to amaze. One of them just brushed it off and took out his wallet. “Considering what you could catch, that’s actually not too hard to get rid of. So how much do you want? We can-”

Suddenly the other jock cut him off and quickly whispered something to them. This made the other guy smirk and nod. The jock went back over to Sebastian and gagged him again while the other jock grabbed Lucien’s wrist and twisted it behind his back. He forced Lucien towards Sebastian and took his phone out.

“So Sebastian here’s being a little shit. Nothing new really. The emo fuck’s always trying to be so cool and edgy. So why don’t we teach him a lesson?” He smirked sharply pulled Lucien’s arm as he forced the teen onto his knees. “You like money, right Lucien? We’ll pay you to suck Sebastian’s dick while we record it. Then we can keep the stupid emo fuck in his place next time he thinks about trying to be the hero.”

Lucien whimpered at the painful treatment and shook his head. He didn’t love money. He just accepted it because it had value and it gave him value. Also, there was no way he was going to be a part of this sexual assault. If he did something like that then he would be just as bad as his aunt. He wasn’t going to be someone that forced himself on other people. And this was Sebastian of all people. It was his friend. He wasn't going to do this. It was sick. It was wrong. He wasn't going to drag Sebastian down to his level and make him feel broken like him. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't.

Sebastian seemed to agree that this was fucked up and attempted to squirm away. All he managed to do was kick over a plastic bin containing all the baseball bats. The jock that put the gag back in Sebastian’s mouth sat behind him and sharply pulled on his hair, trying to force him to stop moving.

“It’s not like it isn’t something haven’t done before.” Said a jock. “Since you two are so close you two probably do this kind of stuff all the time. At least now you’re going to get paid and have a recording to remember it.”

Lucien tried to pull away from the jock that had forced him to his knees, but his grip was too strong. “I-I’m not doing this!” He snapped. “You can’t force me to assault someone you sick fucks! I’d rather fucking die than do this!” He was starting to hyperventilate. This was sick. This was disgusting. He didn't want to do this. He'd make Sebastian just like him. He'd brake him. He'd make him just as broken. Everyone he became close to always suffered because of him. This was just going to be another poor soul he'd ruin. That's all he was good for. Braking things over and over again. He couldn't try and fix it because he could hardly fix himself anymore these days. 

Brake it. Fix it. 

Break it. Fix it. Brake it. Fix it. 

Break it. Fix it. Brake it. Fix it. Break it. Fix it. 

Brake it. Fix it. Break it. Fix it. Brake it. Fix it. Break it. Fix it. 

Brake it. Fix it. Break it. Fix it. Brake it. Fix it. Break it. Fix it. Brake it. Fix it. 

There were only so many times something could be broken before it didn't even resemble what it was originally anymore. That's what he was. He didn't even remember what he really was anymore. Not really. He only had a few values left in his life. But he just kept getting broken and shoddily fixed. Something out there just loved watching him continuously broken again. How far could he go one before he just finally gave up and became so broken nothing would be able to get fixed again? He had no idea.

The jock holding his arm grabbed the back of his hair and shoved his face toward Sebastian’s crotch. “What makes you think you have a choice? Fucking do it, or do you want to get the shit to get kicked out of the both of you?”

“...” He didn’t have a choice? No. Of course he didn’t have a choice. He never had a choice when it came to these matters. He wasn’t allowed to. He had no say. Ever. Other people made these decisions for him. That’s just how life was. How his life was… Just an endless cycle of break it-fix it. That was his lot in life wasn't it? He should just give up and submit. That's just what the universe wanted from him in the first place right? He did horribly things and broke apart his family so now he had to submit to the will of the universe and do what it wanted... But Sebastian didn’t want this. Sebastian clearly didn’t want this. He wouldn't do this to him. Maybe he could fight back just one more time?

“Let’s hurry up and speed this up.” Muttered one of the jocks as they went to undo Sebastian’s pants. Sebastian made a muffled sound as he tried to move away and stop him. That’s when Lucien’s mind went blank. Without thinking he leaned forward and sunk his teeth into the hand of the jock as hard as he could. He could taste blood but he didn’t care. All that he cared about was making them regret doing something like this. How dare they try to force him to become more disgusting than he already was. Consequences be damned he wouldn't let them push him down deeper into the filth he was stuck in.

The jock yelled out in pain and shock. “Fuck! Get this fucker off me!”

Since he was so worried about Lucien, the jock released Sebastian and he was able to dive out of the way. The jock that was holding Lucien let him go to pick up a bat off the floor and hit Lucien in the back a few times till he let go. He then received a strong kick to the guts and fell to the floor. It hurt but it wasn’t too bad. Lucien was more shocked than anything, but then he became very, very angry. These parasites had the audacity to attack him after trying to force him into something horrible? And try to leave unharmed? That wasn't right. These parasites were disgusting, horrific things that were just going to harm more and more people. If not now then later. They needed to be stopped. They were them ones that needed to be broken.

Broken.

Just as broken as he felt. Those disgusting things needed to feel just as broken and horrible as he felt. Though they probably would never reflect on their actions and just brush it off and go on with their lives. That was unacceptable. They are going to reflect how he felt. They were going to look just as broken and destroyed as Lucien felt every fucking second of every fucking day.

***

Everything was so damn surreal. Never in a million years did Sebastian expect this to happen to him. Sure he expected to get beaten up but sexual assault? That honestly didn’t seem like a likely thing to happen. He was honestly terrified that Lucien was going to end up being forced to suck him off while those bastards filmed them. Neither of them needed those sick fucks with that material. Of course he would have been horrified if it did happen, but Lucien probably would have lost his damn mind after everything he had been through. 

He was thankful that Lucien snapped and bit one of the fucker’s hands so he could get away. However he freaked out a little again when he saw the jock repeatedly hitting Lucien in the back. Now he was laying face down on the ground and wasn’t moving.

“Holy fuck…” Hissed the jock that got bitten. “What the fuck is wrong with that bastard? Do you think I’ll need stitches? Fuck…”

“Yeah. Probably. Let’s get out of here. Fuck this shit.” He dropped the bat and turned to leave.

"But what are we going to do about that emo fuck?"

"... Shit. You're right. What the fuck are we going to do with him?" The two jocks approached Sebastian and quickly started talking in hushed tones about if they should just beat the shit out of him or untie him. Honestly Sebastian would have preferred to be let go. But that wasn't going to happen.

As they talked, Sebastian watched in surprise as Lucien slowly stood up and carefully selected which baseball bat he wanted. Once he had made his choice he walked up behind the jock that assaulted him struck the jock as hard as he could in the shoulder blade. “FUCK!”

Lucien chuckled and quickly struck the second jock in the chest when he turned around. “What do you two thing you're doing? Didn’t you want to have some fun? Let’s have some fun. You like hurting people? Feeling powerful? Dominating? I think it’s time for you to feel what it’s like to be tormented.” He raised the bat and started swinging. He hit the stunned jock’s around their chest, shoulders, and head. “How does that feel?” He growled. “How does it feel to get fucked with? How does it feel when someone fucks with you?!"

Suddenly the door burst open and Sam and Abby were there with a teacher. Seeing the teacher Lucien dropped the bat and stepped away from the broken and bleeding teens. None of them present really seemed to know what they were meant to do now.

***

This was just temporary and an ambulance was called along with the police. As it turned out Lucien had broken the shoulder of one of the boys, the arm of the other, and had given them both concussions. They were both inside the principal's office with an officer. Apparently they seemed to be monitoring them to make sure they didn’t come up with a story. Not that they would. Sebastian just wanted to make sure that Lucien was okay, but the other teen was dead silent and almost unresponsive since the attack.

It seemed like forever but very soon Robin and, for some reason, Dr Eurwyn. Robin was losing her mind as she fretted and fussed over Sebastian. Dr Eurwyn calmly introduced himself to the principal and explained why he was here instead of Lucien’s aunt.

“And so you see, according to the court documents I am allowed to make decisions for Lucien as I am acting on his aunt’s behalf.”

The officer nodded and calmly spoke. “Now that your guardians are here, can you boy’s please tell us what happened?”

Seeing as how Lucien was not speaking, Sebastian filled the officer in. He told them about the alleged rumor at school and how people were giving Lucien notes to hook up for the past week. How he and his friends had been intercepting these notes. How the two jocks first attacked him and tied him up as revenge for stopping the messages getting through. He talked about the attempted sexual assault and how Lucien just snapped.

The officer took notes and looked over at Lucien to try and gauge his reaction. Lucien stayed quiet. He seemed to still be in shock. The officer then got Sebastian and Robin to wait outside to see if less people around would make Lucien feel more comfortable about talking.

Lucien was quiet for a few minutes before Dr Eurwyn spoke in a soft, calm voice. “Lucien. It’s very important you tell the police officer the truth. You are in very serious trouble. The parents of the teenagers you hurt are going to press charges against you for this.”

Lucien clenched his jaw and ran his fingers through his hair while making an agitated growling noise. “What the fuck does it matter?” He muttered. “What does it matter? What does it matter? No matter what the fuck I say those two rapists are going to get sympathy and walk free. They are jocks. They are on the gridball team. No one gives a fuck what they do as long as the team just wins. Fuck that bullshit. Fuck that and fuck you!”

Dr Eurwyn shook his head a little and looked over at the officer. “I’m very sorry about that… About a year ago Lucien was raped by his aunt. Due to several unfortunate situations and prejudices he doesn’t trust authority figures and or adults that much… Since no one intervened until he had a mental breakdown at his previous school and assaulted a teacher.”

This seemed to catch everyone off guard. Lucien just laughed darkly. “Yeah, go ahead and tell them that. Now they know just how messed up in the fucking head I am… They were going to force me to do something disgusting to someone else. I am not like them. I’m not a rapist. I’m not one of them…” He started grinding his teeth and put his hands over his ears. “I just wanted them to stop. I wanted them to stop… If they were going to force me to do something as sick as that what else could they force someone else to do? I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to protect Sebastian the way no one wants to protect me.”

“So you’re saying that Sebastian’s account of the events are true?”

“Yes.” Said Lucien quietly. “But why the fuck would you believe him in the first place? He’s not one of the school’s oh so perfect and innocent jocks that do no wrong. He’s just a weirdo that wears dark clothes and looks like he does drugs or something. None of you care. None of you want justice. You just want someone to blame… You going to expel me now or what?”

The principal sighed a little. “You’re going to be suspended for the rest of the week, and maybe even expelled once this investigation is over.”

“Might I interject for a moment?” Questioned the doctor. “If you’re going to suspend and or Lucien I hope you are definitely going to expel the two boys that tried to force Lucien to rape another student? Lucien suffers from severe PTSD due to prolonged past sexual assault and I think it’s pretty obvious that Lucien acted in a way that an abuse survivor may react if being forced into a situation they clearly do not want to be in. I can recommend a child psychologist to do a full psychoanalysis on him. I will insist that Lucien press charges against those boys and I will advise Sebastian’s mother to do the same. They physical injuries those predators have is nothing compared to the psychological damage they have inflicted on Sebastian and Lucien. Especially Lucien.”

"He still shouldn't have attacked those students the way he did." Said the principal.

Lucien rolled his eyes. "Fine. Whatever. Keep the rapists in school. I'll just make sure the school gets all the social media attention it needs. Think parents want to send their kids to a school that allows other stupids to rape each other? Have fun keeping your job."

The police officer sighed a little. "There's no need to throw out accusations just yet... We have a pretty clear idea of what happened and I'm pretty sure this matter will get sorted out very, very quickly. Okay?"

Lucien shrugged. "Whatever..."


	43. The following days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for the fallout of what happened. Hope you all enjoy it. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

The topic of discussion at the school was about how Lucien almost killed two of the jocks. No one really knew what happened with him since he wasn’t at school anymore. For some reason no one seemed to know Sebastian was there too apart from anyone that was there. There was also no word about the jocks coming back to school or even a peep about them suing the school.

To be honest it was kind of scary. No one really knew what was going on. People were kind of scared. Sebastian and his friends had tried to get in contact with Lucien but they were having no luck. Surprisingly though Sam managed to see Lucien at school. They suspected that Lucien was having some kind of in school suspension instead. They weren’t able to talk to each other but they both saw each other.

“... I wish he would talk to us.” Muttered Sebastian. “How the hell did this even happen?”

Sam shrugged. “Things just went crazy… I’m just glad you two didn’t get fucked over because of those two assholes… Do you think Lucien actually killed them?”

“I hope not.” Said Sebastian. “He’s got a lot on his plate. He doesn’t need a murder charge.”

Abby sighed. “Do you think those guys will come back to school?”

“If they do I’ll fuck them up.” Said Sam. “No one does that kind of shit to our friends.”

Sebastian sighed a little and ran his fingers through his hair. He didn’t like the radio silence that was going on now. Thankfully today his last class was close to the principal’s office so he could maybe, just maybe see Lucien and talk to him at the end of the day.

So once his final class was over, Sebastian waited by the office. Lucien walked out a few minutes after the bell. He was surprised to see Sebastian waiting for him. “Oh. Hey. Did you need to see a teacher?”

“No. I as waiting to see you… What happened?”

Lucien shrugged. “Dr Eurwyn talked to the police. Everything is fine now I think… The parents aren’t pressing charges and the assholes got expelled… I have an in school suspension for the rest of the week… And I have to see Dr Eurwyn once a week now. I’m on medication now.”

“... Wow, a lot can happen in like two days, huh?”

“Yeah…” Lucien sighed a little and headed towards the bus stop. He wasn’t happy, but he didn’t seem sad either. He was kind of blank. This didn’t seem good. Maybe he was just emotionally drained.

“... Well at least you didn’t get expelled, right? That has to count for something?”

“I guess…” He smiled weakly at Sebastian. “But you’re okay right? They didn’t hurt you at all?”

“No more so than usual… Sexual assault is a new one though. I didn’t expect that to happen…”

“Yeah.” Lucien cast his gaze down. Unable to look at Sebastian. “I never… I would never do something like that to anyone. The money that they threw at me I just… I would never do something… I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you don’t need to be sorry. None of that was your fault.” Said Sebastian calmly. He reached over and lightly squeezed his hand. “Don’t worry about it… I um… I’m glad you have some help now.”

“Thanks… I really didn’t want to see a therapist you know.” He muttered. “I didn’t want to get put on medication. I’ve always been scared that I’ll get addicted to it or if I eventually don’t need it anymore I’ll go through withdrawal or something… So I’m kind of miserable at the moment.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah… Look, I’m just going to go home right now. Some cop might end up calling me and asking some more questions or something…”

“Oh… Well um… Just call me or anyone else if you feel down okay? You’re not alone.”

Lucien nodded a little and kept heading towards the busses. 

“... Okay, see you later I guess?” Sebastian’s heart broke more when he saw Lucien walk away. What those bastards did to them just brought back whatever horribly trauma Lucien had been trying to work through and suppress. He felt bad. It almost felt like things had been set back a week. 

***

Lucien sat on the bus and wasn’t surprised to see that no one wanted to sit anywhere near him. Before at least one person would sit next to him just to be close to whatever group of friends they were with. He didn’t really mind. He was pretty much now the freak that no one wanted to talk to.

When he got off at his stop he waited a few minutes before James pulled up and he got into his car. He sighed a little and leaned back in the seat as James drove off. “Fuck…”

“Today not a good day?”

“No… I had a mental breakdown at school on Monday, beat the shit out of two people and now I have an in school suspension, I have to see a therapist, and I’m on medication now.”

“Oh… Wow… So um what happened?” James seemed slightly concerned by all this.

Lucien sighed a little. “One of my friends got tied up and when I went to help him they tried to force me to suck my friend’s dick. Neither of us wanted to do it and I just snapped. Sexual assault is not okay.”

James nodded a little. “I see… They didn’t touch you or your friend inappropriately did they?”

“One of them started undoing my friend’s pants but I gave them both concussions before they got any further…” He sighed a little. “My aunt is going to kill me…”

“Your aunt?” Suddenly James’s phone went off and he pressed a button on his steering wheel to put the phone on speaker. He gestured for Lucien to be quiet for a moment. “Yes? James speaking.”

“So sorry to bother you when you’re not at work,” Said a male voice. “But I was informed by my manager to get these papers to you as soon as possible and I-”

“That’s fine Morris.” Said James in a tone of voice that could only be described as a customer service voice. “It’s just a few papers that need my signature, right? I’m pretty close to the building. I can swing in and sign it if you deliver to to my office right now. I’m five minutes away.”

“Oh, thank you so much sir. I need to take the papers right away once you’ve signed them so I’ll just wait in your office. If that’s okay?”

“Sounds good to me Morris. See you soon.” He pressed the button again to hang up the phone. He sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair. “Fucking Morris… Of course it was fucking Morris…”

“Not a huge fan of him?” Asked Lucien.

James groaned loudly. It was almost cartoonish. “Morris… He’s from a department that I manage. He was the kind of guy that you could really get along with and I thought at the start he was a pretty nice guy… That was until I found out what a horrible, manipulative bastard he is. I overheard him making one of his female subordinates burst into tears because She didn’t refill the printer with new ink when it only just started to streak or something stupid like that. He’s a horribly manipulative person that’s trying to brown nose his way to the top and into my job.”

“... Sounds like a fun guy.”

“Yeah…” James pulled into the basement parking lot of a huge building and flashed his ID to the security guard there. “Want to come inside? We’re just going straight to my office and I’ll just sign a few papers.”

“Okay.”

The inside of the building was nothing too impressive. It just looked like a normal office building. Some people gave Lucien confused looks. However since he was with James no one said anything. They walked into his office and a man, slightly on the chubby side was waiting in there. He wore small glasses and wore a big redish pink bowtie.

This man, obviously Morris, smiled happily at James but seemed surprised to see Lucien. “Here are the papers.” He pointed to the desk.

“Thanks Morris.” James looked over at Lucien. “You can help yourself to something from my mini fridge.” He gestured to some wall panel that just looked like some normal cabinet.

Lucien shrugged and opened it up while James went about signing on the dotted lines. In the mini fridge there were a few bottles of water, a few cans of some energy drink, and a sandwich in a plastic take away plastic container. Lucien just took a water out and sat on a chair while he waited for James to be done.

Morris didn’t seem to be too pleased to see Lucien there. “So who are you?” He asked him.

Lucien shrugged and continued to drink his water. He didn’t really feel like talking very much so he gestured to his throat. Like he was trying to say that he couldn’t actually talk. James glanced up when Lucien didn’t speak and smiled a little. He seemed to be almost thankful that Lucien wasn’t saying anything.

“Morris, I’d like you refrain from talking to Lucien. At the moment he has a bit of a throat infection and won’t be able to speak for a while.” 

“Ah, okay…” Morris kept giving Lucien strange looks. He didn’t seem to like Lucien being around. Probably because he was interfering with his precious sucking up time. But to his credit he gave it a go anyway. “So James, some of us from our department are planning to go out for dinner tonight at a Chinese restaurant. We’d all really love it if you would come with us.”

James didn’t even look up from his work. “Sorry Morris. You’ll have to tell Jane that I won’t be able to make it. I’ve already made a booking at a place tonight for myself and Lucien. Isn’t that right?” Lucien nodded. “Besides, we’re both tired of Chinese food. Had way too much of it last week.” He signed the last paper and handed it back to Morris. “If that’s everything, please give that back to Jane. Lucien and I have other places we need to be.”

“... Right.” Morris grabbed the papers, gave Lucien one last dirty look and left.

Once he was gone Lucien couldn’t help but laugh a little. “What was all that about? He was looking at me like I was trying to steal his man.”

James shrugged. “Probably. It’s no secret around here that I sleep with men and women. I’ve brought countless dates to company events. All of which are younger than me by a long shot. I think part of Morris’s plan to move up in the company is to get me to bed him at some point… Unfortunately for him he’s not my type… His personality is just too awful. Plus I’m pretty sure he’d only sleep with a man to get what he wants. He probably sees you as some kind of obstacle to get to the top job now.”

“Fair enough… So if I worked for Joja would I work in a place like this?”

“All depends on your skills and what you apply for.” Said James. “But most likely you would work in an office building like this. Are you interested in applying for a job?”

“Yeah… I don’t know if the principal will change their mind and expel me so I’ll need some kind of financial support.” 

“True… Or you can just live with me for a while?” He suggested. “My house is big enough for you to move in while you figure out what you want to do with your life.”

“Do you offer all your lovers the same thing?”

James shrugged and got up from his desk. “Only the ones i like. So you’ll be the first pretty boy.”

A dark blush quickly covered Lucien’s face when he said that. It was so embarrassing to hear James say that to him, but it still made him feel good. James was really good at making him feel good. And after all the drama that happened over the past few days he needed to feel good.

They left the building and James drove them back to his house. When they got there Lucien sat on the couch and lazily gazed out the window. It was a nice view. He’d mostly been over at night and hadn’t been able to see the view before. He kind of liked it. There were a few rolling hills that showed off the beauty of many, many more expensive houses with the city skyscrapers off in the background. 

He sighed a little and closed his eyes. Lucien just felt calm now. He was starting to realise that he really didn’t mix well with school. The community that the school cultivated was toxic to him. It was choking him. No matter what he did he would never be able to fit into this place.

“You okay there Lucien?” Asked James. He sat by him and offered him a drink of something effervescent. 

Lucien declined the drink. “I’m just thinking… And the more I think the more I’m considering working for Joja.”

James shrugged. “Well if that’s what you want to do it’s not like I’ll stop you. You still have that card I gave you?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah… So did you really make a booking for us to go to some place for dinner tonight?”

He shrugged. “Not really. I was just saying that to make Morris go away. But is there anything you want for dinner tonight? Do you want to go anywhere?”

“Not really. I kind of just feel tired if I’m really honest… Could I possibly stay the night?”

James seemed a little surprised to hear this, but he smiled anyway. “Of course.” He gently ran his fingers through Lucien’s hair and hummed softly. “You can stay as long as you like pretty boy. I like having you here.”

His touch felt good. It made Lucien melt with happiness. It felt good. He wanted more of this. More of this care. It was nice. He loved how good it felt. He wanted more of it. He wanted more of that kindness and care. Anything to make him feel loved, wanted, and valued.

Lucien smiled and pulled his older lover’s hand to his face. He carefully moved it around so his face was cupped in his hand. “I want to have sex.” He said. “Something hard and rough. I want bruises and bitemarks. After all this shit I’ve been through over the past few days I need something. Anything to take the edge off.”

James hummed a little and gave him a slightly scrutinizing look. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Yeah. You should know by now I’m a masochist. I like it when you’re rough with me. You can be harsher with me if you like. I want you to really do a number on me today. Okay?”

“Okay pretty boy.” He kissed Lucien and stood up. “Come on. Let’s get moving.”

***

Sebastian kept his phone close to him for the rest of the evening. When it wasn’t charging at his computer it was in his pocket. Their family had a general rule of no phones at the table, but after what had happened Robin was understanding about his attachment to the electronic device..

He’d really hoped that Lucien would call him or text him at some time. But it didn’t seem like it was going to happen. Still it didn’t stop him from taking his phone out of his pocket every few minutes to check it under the table in between every other mouthful of shepard’s pie.

This was clearly annoying Demetrius to no end. He drummed his fingers against the table and exhaled heavily through his nose. “Must you keep doing that Sebastian?”

“I gave the cops my phone number.” He muttered. “I can’t help it if I’m paranoid about getting a sudden call from some detective. Would you rather I don’t answer and they come over and knock the door down?”

Demetrius clenched his jaw a little but reluctantly let it go. More than likely because Robin was glaring at him and very subtly shaking her head. “Can you at least out it in the table?”

Sebastian shrugged and did as he was told. He put it on the table, but kept staring at the screen. He wanted Lucien to just text him something. Anything. But he knew that probably wasn’t going to happen. Lucien never started a conversation or sent a text first. It was always someone else that did it. Maybe he should text him?

That was probably a good idea, but if he did it right now Demetrius would freak out. He hardly ever talked at dinner anyway so he didn’t see why it was such a big deal for him to use his phone anyway.

He finished his dinner without incident and headed back to the basement. He sat on his bed and quickly shot Lucien a few texts. Unfortunately, despite patiently waiting for hours Lucien never replied.


	44. Jelly dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Silly title for this chapter, but there's only so many times I can type out "Dance of the Moonlight Jellies" before I want to scream. lol. So like I hope you all enjoy this chapter. Enjoy :D

The rest of the week was pretty quiet for Lucien. He had gotten a few more calls from the police and had they did come to talk to him a few times at the school. But everything seemed to go well. Dr Eurwyn had organized a lawyer to represent Lucien and they very easily settled things with the parents of the jocks. By Friday afternoon it was all over with.

On Saturday Lucien went back to Pelican Town. He was interested in seeing what the whole Dance of the Moonlight Jellies thing. He arrived generally early in the morning and wasn’t surprised to see no one wait waiting for him. He hadn’t told anyone that he was coming. He had told James he was going to be spending the weekend with his grandpa but would call him if he came back to Zuzu city early. He was good with that.

He walked down to his grandpa’s farm and wasn’t surprised to see the old man happily harvesting the last of the crops for that season. He had a huge basket full of blueberries, radishes, poppies, and hot peppers.

He smiled at the old man and waved. “Hey grandpa.”

The old man’s eyes lit up. “Lucien! What brings you down to the farm this weekend?”

“Sebastian invited me to some festival.”

“Ah, Dance of the Moonlight Jellies.” He chuckled a little. “It’s a very special holiday here in the valley. Very romantic… I asked your grandma to the dance for our first date. She was so beautiful. A lovely lass with blond hair down to her hips with bright blue ribbons weaved throughout…” He smiled fondly at the memory. “Ah but that’s just me. It’s a fun night. I’m sure you and your friends will enjoy it.”

“Thanks. Do you want some help?”

“Sure. I have another basket on the porch. Let’s sort through these.” The two sat on the porch and his grandpa happily showed me how to spot good quality crops. “You see, it isn’t about the size of the crop, it’s all about blemishes. We can sell it all, but the best quality ones are the ones that sell the best. But we can keep a few of the good ones for ourselves.”

With Lucien’s help the two quickly sorted the crops and Lucien helped him put them into the collection bin next to the house. After that his grandpa have him a bucket of bird feed and let him feed the birds. They seemed happy for the food he was giving them more food to peck at. It was cute.

After that he went into the farmhouse and set up his cot for the evening.Once it was done his grandpa was more than happy to let him go off and have some fun with his friends. Lucien was thankful for that and headed into town.

He thought maybe he would head down to the beach, but when he got there there was a small barrier with a sign stuck to it. It basically said that the preparations for the festival were underway and he needed to come back later that night. Not that big a deal.

“What are you doing here?” Snapped a rather sassy female voice.

Lucien sighed and wasn’t surprised to see Haley standing behind him. He was giving him a very scrutinizing look. “My grandpa runs the farm. I’m just visiting him. Why? Am I an outsider because I live in Zuzu?”

“You almost killed two people.” She growled. “How the hell did you, an attempted murderer get away with it while they get expelled? Did your rich dad pay off the families or something? There’s no justice for anyone anymore is there?”

Lucien rolled his eyes. “They tied up Sebastian and tried to force me to suck his dick. Sure what I did was a little too much I admit, but considering they are known for beating the shit out of people I’d say it was justified self defence. My lawyer managed to argue that.”

“... It’s still all bullshit! There’s no way in hell they would have done something like that! You’re just one of those assholes that want to put all your problems on other people just because they are better than you.”

While it was annoying, Lucien could see why Haley was acting they way she was. These people were obviously her friends despite what they actually did. She wanted to defend them and get some kind of justice for them. If he was friends with them he probably wouldn’t have believed what happened either. Despite all the facts he didn’t really think he would be able to change her mind on the subject, but he could at least try.

“If I was guilty don’t you think they would have at the very least expelled me?” He asked. “I’m allowed to stay at school and graduate at the end of the year.”

“Yeah, while you made up some bullshit to get them expelled. You’re the worst Lucien! You know making up bullshit claims about rape just makes it harder for real survivors to come forward and-”

No. Lucien was not going to be accused of lying about that. He clenched his fists and death glared her. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Excuse me?! Who do you think y-”

“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP HALEY!” He snapped. Surely someone would have heard him, but he didn’t care. He was pissed. “You’re just like every other fucking adult out there. Is it because I have a dick? I have a dick I can’t get raped or sexually assaulted? Is that it?” He felt like he was going to start crying. “I know what they were going to do. I know Haley. You don’t forget it. You don’t Haley. Do you know how it feels to be scared and disgusted by the touch of other people? You don’t but I do. I do Haley...”

“... What?”

“That disgusting dirty feeling where you never feel clean. You can never get clean…” He knew he was starting to ramble at the moment but he just couldn’t stop. “You just feel dirty and disgusting all the time… Those bastards wanted Sebastian to feel the same way… They wanted to make him feel the same way I do all the fucking time… I couldn’t let that happen Haley… But you know. You do what you want. Keep defended disgusting fucks because disgusting perverts aren’t fucking everywhere.”

Haley looked really confused and kind of scared. “What? What are you talking about?”

Lucien took a moment to calm himself a little. “You know what? Just draw your own conclusions from that. Spread it around school too while you’re at it. Should be a fun thing to talk about with your friends for the next few months. You freaks just love to gossip.” He quickly marched past her and headed to Cindersap forest. 

He was exhausted and wanted to cry. He hated this. He felt sick. He wanted to douse himself in bleach and soak in it for hours. Maybe he’d feel clean if all his skin burned off? That would be good. Why did he even come to Pelican Town anyway? Nothing good ever happened in this town. It was nothing but heartache and pain.

He ended up stumbling to the entrance to the sewers before his body decided he wouldn’t walk any further. He sat down and started to cry. He wanted to go home. This was a mistake. He should have just stayed in Zuzu city. Why was he so interested in seeing this stupid festival? It meant nothing to him. He was only here because Sebastian had invited him over. 

He hadn’t seen Sebastian all week and didn’t know how he was coping with everything. It had to be traumatic for him too. Sure they hadn’t gotten far enough, but they were fucking close and that pissed him off to no end. He hoped that Sebastian wasn’t wallowing in self loathing and hatred like he was, but there was no way to know for sure unless he talked to him. Would Sebastian even want to talk to him?

He seemed like he wanted to before, but if he has some trauma he might start associating that trauma with him now. Like how he himself was triggered by all the little things his aunt did or said. Everything was getting too much for him. It was all too much. Why couldn’t it just stop? Why wouldn’t it stop? 

He’d been playing by the rules for so long. Why wasn’t he happy?

Was he unclean?

He followed the rules.

He played the game as best he could.

Did something happen?

Did he make a mistake?

Why was this happening?

Why did it only happen to him?

Where was his happy ending?

Didn’t he deserve one?

It was because he was unclean.

You can’t play a game with a dirty game piece.

He needed to get clean.

How could he get clean out here in the countryside?

He needed to order some industrial strength bleach. Fuck watering it down. He was going to fill his bath and keep washing himself. It was dirty and unclean. He’d only be able to get some kind of happiness if he was clean and not filthy. Why was he so filthy? What did he do to deserve this? Did he commit some unforgivable sin when he was a child? He had to have. Why else would his family have fallen apart the way it had. He was a monster. A filthy monster. Nothing he did would ever atone for the horrific things he must have done to end up with this life.

Someone sat down beside him and made Lucien jump a little in surprise. Much to his relief it was Sam and not someone else. The blond teen hummed a little and stretched his legs out in front of him. “The Gem sea looks amazing this time of year, huh?”

“Yeah… How’s Sebastian doing? When I talked to him on Wednesday he seemed to only be worried about me…”

“Yeah well we’re all worried about you man.” Said Sam honestly. “Some really fucked up stuff happened to the both of you. Seb told us all about it.”

“Oh…”

“Yeah. You’re a total hero dude.”

That didn’t sound right. He wasn’t a hero. He was a fuck up. He was the school prostitute for fuck’s sake. No one became that because they made the right choices in life. “I’m no hero.”

Sam laughed and lightly punched his shoulder. “No way man. You’re a hero. Sebastian was worried no one was going to find him till after school, or like those two assholes would come back and beat him up. Then you beat the shit out of them when they tried to make you suck his dick? That’s awesome. You’re a total hero.” He laughed a little. “But Abby said if she had her way she would have gone anti hero on their asses and killed at least one of them”

Lucien smiled a little, but it felt strained to him. “I probably would have killed them if they tried to fight back. I think I just shocked them too much. Who would have suspected the extremely meek and submissive whore would turn around and start smacking them around the head with a bat? Granted I wasn’t using my full strength to attack them… I just wanted them to either go away or stop moving… I didn’t want them to make me hurt Sebastian… That sort of thing… It’s horrific.”

“Oh yeah, Abby said you were ace.” Sam hummed a little and leaned his head back. “Look, all three of us, we like you and want to help you if we can. You’re our friend.”

Lucien nodded a little and pulled his knees up to his chest. “You know, we’re just friends because we go to the same school… Once we graduate we won’t have any connection.”

Sam seemed confused by that statement. “What are you talking about? Once we graduate we’re still going to go over and see you. You can come over and see us too. It’ll be fun. We have each others numbers too. We can talk whenever.”

“... I guess.”

“So, you came here to see the jellyfish, right? Seb said he invited you the other day but wasn’t sure if you’d make it. I’m glad you did. It’ll make him happy.”

“You sure?”

“Hell yeah. He’ll be stoked. He asked you to come right? He’ll want to see you.”

“Okay…” Lucien looked down at the ground and picked at a rock that was crushed into the dirt. “How did you find me anyway?”

“Heard you screaming at Haley.” He said, “I poked my head outside and saw you rushing by my house looking really distraught. Thought I’d come over and see what was up… Was it about the guys that got expelled?”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t mind her. She’s super wrong, but she just doesn’t want to believe the people she hung out with are rapists. No one wants to believe that they would do that… Someday she might come around but for now just ignore her.”

“Planning to… She just wants someone to blame that isn’t her shitty friends. I can understand wanting a scapegoat but still...”

Sam smiled a little and stood up. “Come on Lucien. Come back to my place for a bit. We can sit around and chill. You good with little, little kids?”

“Um, I guess?”

“Good. You can meet my little brother then.” The two of them went back to Sam’s house. When they went inside a woman, presumably Sam’s mum, was reading a magazine on the couch while a small boy was playing with some blocks.

The small boy looked up when he heard them come in. “Sam! Mum, Sam’s back! Sam’s back!” 

The woman put her magazine down and smiled. “Where did you suddenly run off to Sam?” She saw Lucien. “Oh, who is this?”

Sam grinned. “Mum, Vincent, this is Lucien. Lucien this is my mum; Jodie. And my little brother Vincent.”

Lucien smiled a little. “Hi.”

Vincent waved at him. “Hi! Wanna play lego with me?”

Jodi chuckled a little. “Now Vincent, Lucien is Sam’s friend. They probably have something they need to do. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too…” Lucien was still very uneasy around older women. Jodi was just… She was probably a nice person but he couldn’t deal with her right now.

Sam lead Lucien to his room and they hung out. Just doing nothing but talking about music, listening to music, and Sam playing a few things that he had made up himself. It was pretty good. At least Lucien thought so. Sam was very talented. It was an enjoyable time.

Vincent came in after a while to hear Sam playing his guitar too. He played a few songs for his little brother. It made Vincent smile and laugh. It was good. It made Lucien realise he couldn’t remember what a happy child sounded like.

***

After a while Lucien went back to his grandpa’s farm. He happily made dinner for the two of them fried eel and fried calamari. He had asked his grandpa if it was a good idea to eat so much fried food. The old man just laughed and said no one lives forever.

Around nine thirty that night the two of them walked down to the beach. His grandpa happily nudged him in the direction of his friends while he himself went to talk with his own friends. Sam, Abby, and Sebastian were standing on the pier.

He smiled a little and walked over to them. Abby was the first one to spot him and happily hugged him. “Hey Lucien! Sam was saying you managed to make it here. You having a good time?”

Lucien blushed a little and awkwardly hugged her back. “Um yeah… So like what is this thing anyway? I kind of assumed it was some sort of old fashioned dance kind of thing? Like an old timey dance thing… In a hall? But like jellyfish themed?”

Abby chuckled a little. “I can see how you might think that. It’s a lot cooler than that. You’ll see.” She happily pulled him over towards the other guys and let him go when he was close to Sebastian.

Sebastian nodded a little at him. “Hey. You going good?”

“Yeah, but how are you?” Asked Lucien in a quiet voice. “You’re so concerned about me you haven’t really told me about you. Are you okay? Like you don’t have to tell me, but like… I’m here for you too.”

Sebastian smiled a little. “Thanks Lucien. I’m doing okay. I’ve talked to Abby and Sam about it… I talked a little about it with my mum, but like, she doesn’t know the whole story.”

“Oh, okay.” Of course Sebastian had better people to talk about this. He didn’t need to talk to the trama kid. He wouldn’t be able to help Sebastian through any trauma at all could he? He was useless and pathetic. Why did he even bother trying?

Sebastian nudged him to get his attention. “Hey look over there.” He pointed over to Robin. She was holding a little wooden boat with a candle on it that she had yet to light. “When mum lights it and lets it go the jellies will come in.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

The mayor called out something that Lucien didn’t quite catch and Robin lit candle and set the boat out. It drifted out to sea. Moments later there was a strange glow in the water that slowly moved closer and closer. Soon Lucien could clearly see hundreds of bioluminescent jellyfish drifting towards the beach.

“Oh wow…”

“Yeah, pretty cool huh?” Sebastian smiled. “This is one of my favourite holidays. It’s pretty cool seeing this stuff.”

“Yeah, it is.” Lucien felt a little happy. It was nice to see something like this. It was good to know that nature was still going to keep going being beautiful no matter how toxic his own life was becoming.

He felt Sebastian’s knuckles brush up against his.hand. It tingled a little where they made skin contact. Without really thinking he reached out a little and hooked his pinky finger around Sebastian’s. When he realised what he did he was sure that Sebastian would pull back in disgust or something. He glanced over at the other teen and was surprised to see that he was blushing ever so slightly. That just made him blush.

This was nice. Really nice. He liked being this close to Sebastian. It was nice being able to feel at ease with people around his age. He felt less lonely… However, in the back of his mind there was still that slight sadness that came from feeling guilty. Why did he feel guilty? Was it because he was happy? Probably. He didn’t deserve to be this happy with someone. Being happy just felt wrong.

At least the jellyfish looked pretty.


	45. Stung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slight continuation from the last chapter. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Sebastian was happy with how things went with Lucien. Sure they didn’t really hold hands but they were getting closer. It made him smile when Lucien was the one that reached out to him and hooked their fingers together. It sent tingles up his arm. It was pleasant and made him smile. He couldn’t help but feel happy by this. He felt a little like he and Lucien were getting slightly closer.

He kind of wished that he had known that Lucien had gotten here sooner. He would have hung out with his friend. That would have been fun. He wanted to spend more time with Lucien. He wanted to walk around the beach with Lucien and just talk a bit. But he felt that if he went and walked around his legs would give out from under him.

But that didn’t stop him from trying. He tried to work up the courage to ask Lucien if he wanted to walk around a bit, but by the time he did the jellyfish floated back out to sea. Lucien let go of his hand and put his own hands in his pockets.

“Wow, that was pretty neat.”

Sam laughed. “Yeah. Second time I’ve ever seen it. It’s pretty cool… But it’s pretty late now. Time to head home?”

Abby nodded in agreement. “Yeah. What did you think Lucien? Better than any random dance thing huh?”

Lucien smiled. “Yeah. Dances blow anyway. This was a lot prettier… I’ll see you guys tomorrow okay?”

His friends waved goodbye to him and Sebastian walked back down the pier and across the beach to Isaac. The old man was talking with George, Evelyn, and the one eyed weirdo, Marlon, by the water. They talked for a few minutes before they walked back to town. Once he was gone Sebastian sighed heavily out his nose.

Abby snickered a little and stood on Sebastian’s right side. “Well then. What have we here Sammy?”

Sam stood on Sebastian’s left, grinning like an idiot. “I don’t know Abigail, what do we have here?”

“We have our smol emo child with smol emo heart beating in his chest as it pines for Lucien.”

“Ah, how can you say such a thing Abigail?” Asked Sam in an overly dramatic manner. “Our emo child has been guarding his heart for so long.”

“But I saw them holding hands.”

“Holding hands?! Say it isn’t so. Holding hands. Well I never!”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “We didn’t hold hands. It was more like… holding pinkies or something?”

Abby gasped. “Oh he admitted it. I never would have seen the day.”

Sam laughed and wrapped his arm around Sebastian’s shoulders. “But seriously, good for you man. You think you two are getting closer? Gonna ask him out before the end of the year?”

“Um…” Sebastian hadn’t really thought about that. He did want to ask Lucien out soon, but he was pretty sure he was going to turn him down. Lucien was still with his sugar daddy, and if he had a choice Lucien wouldn’t choose him. He would go with the older, financially stable man. He wasn’t financially stable. He was just a teenager. 

Abby chuckled and poked his cheek. “He’s so flustered just thinking about it. Want to take him on a date to the city? Dinner and a movie?” 

“Please Abby we’re teenagers.” Said Sam. “Laptop movie and takeaway.”

“That’s what meant.”

Sebastian blushed and pushed his friends away. “Shut up assholes… Looks like your mum wants you Sam.” He gestured over to Jodi who was holding a very sleepy Vincent.

“Ah, you’re right. See you guys tomorrow.” He quickly jogged over to his mum and walked back with her to the village.

Abby yawned and stretched. “I think I might call it a night too. You gonna head home too, you night owl?”

“Yeah. I guess I should. See you Abby.” He walked over to his mum and stood back as Maru and Demetrius cleaned up whatever science equipment they had brought down with them. It looked like it was still going to take a while.

Robin stood back with Sebastian and smiled at her son. “How was the festival? Did Lucien enjoy himself? I saw you two standing together.”

A new blush quickly made its way over Sebastian’s face. “Y-yeah. He had fun… He’s feeling better about everything.”

“Well that’s good. I know this festival can be kind of silly for younger kids but… Well as long as he’s feeling better… Oh I just worry so much about him after what happened… Those boys…” She sighed a little. “You going to hang out with him tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Probably… If he wants to. I’d like to… But he might get on the bus and try to go home early.”

She nodded a little. “Want me to wake you up early tomorrow Sebby so you can hang out with him?”

“Um… I-”

“Hey mum, we’re ready to go.” Said Maru. She was clutching some clipboards to her chest and was grinning happily.

“Okay dear.” Said Robin. The family walked back up the mountain. 

Sebastian hung back a little as they walked. He kept his eyes fixed on the ground. Lucien did seem happy. Right? He wasn’t really just putting on a front. Was he? He didn’t like questioning Lucien’s happiness. He wanted Lucien to be happy. He needed Lucien to be happy.

He sighed kind of loudly, but Demetrius seemed to mistake that for a yawn. “Tired already? Aren’t you usually up this late anyway?”

“... Yeah. This week kind of took a lot out of me.” Sebastian didn’t want to fight. He just wanted to crawl into bed at this point.

***

Lucien felt like he was floating. Floating in the nothingness. He was surrounded by glowing lights. It was beautiful. He closed his eyes and let himself continue to drift through the darkness. It was nice. It felt good. He sighed softly and bubbles escaped his mouth.

“...?” Lucien opened his eyes again and then he noticed he was indeed breathing out bubbles. Fucking bubbles. And the glowing lights were giant jellyfish. It was kind of beautiful. He was just drifting in the sea with the jellyfish.

He didn’t have to think, didn’t have to feel. He just existed. Existing without not having to worry about anything. It felt so good. He wanted to be a jellyfish. Being a jellyfish was fun.

He reached out and touched of the tendrils from a jellyfish floating above him. It stung him, but a few seconds later it felt okay. Almost good? It felt warm and kind of left an angry red mark, but it was okay. He liked the feeling that he got after being stung.

That weird, fuzzy, warm feeling that gave him a strange sense of comfort. He closed his eyes and held his arm close to his chest. He didn’t mind getting stung more. Getting stung was fine. It felt nice. He could get stung over and over again and it would be fine. It didn’t matter. He’d just go through with anything to feel that warmth again. It didn’t matter how many times he got stung. It was okay. It was fine. He just wanted to curl up and continue feeling these moments of pain followed by pleasure.

Then his pinky finger twitched. It was strange. It was different. It didn’t sting like before and just felt nice. That was really strange to him. He wasn’t sure how he could get some kind of pleasure without pain first. It didn’t really make sense to him.

He opened his eyes and tried to look for the jellyfish that touched him but didn’t sting him. He couldn’t see it but he couldn’t help but look down at his hand. There wasn’t even an angry red mark on it either. He didn’t know what to think. Did a jellyfish even touch him?

It kind of confused and scared him a little that somewhere out there, there was something that could make him feel good without getting hurt first. How was that even possible? Was he even allowed to feel good without feeling hurt first? He had no idea.

He breathed out a sigh of sadness and more bubbled escaped his mouth. Even if he felt that once it didn’t mean he would feel it again. It was a fluke. One in a million. Yet he was yearning for it again. He wanted it. He wanted to feel good again without getting hurt first. He knew that the world probably won’t let him feel happy again. He didn’t deserve happiness.

He felt like crying. Lucien felt like shit for being so selfish. He wanted happiness. He needed some kind of happiness didn’t he? Didn’t he deserve it? Of course he didn’t but he… He still wanted something to touch him and make him feel good without stinging. He knew he was just being selfish. He always was. He was a horrible, broken, rotten child.

He coughed and more bubbles came out of his mouth, but these bubbles were filled with maggots and some other rotted liquid. He was rotten on the inside. It was all coming out now. He was rotten on the inside. That’s just how it was. The universe would give him something nice once in a while to remind him of what he could never have, That’s just how it was. He’d never be able to have nice things ever. 

It was about that time when Lucien realised that the jellyfish had moved on by now. They floated on past him not feeling or caring about how he was. That was okay. All things were fleeting. Pleasure and pain. Those feelings were gone and he was left behind with nothing. Just like those feelings he was fleeting.

He closed his eyes and breathed out again and let more maggots out of his body. This was fine. Everyone was free to sting him and leave him. That was fine. He was used to it. Everyone would just leave him eventually. That’s how it was. He was okay with this. He was okay. He was fine with everyone playing with him and leaving. 

It was fine. He was okay. It’s not like he felt a tight ball in his chest when he was thrown away. It’s not like it made him feel like he was garbage. He already knew he was. He wasn’t worth anyone’s time. Everyone would use him and throw him away. That’s just how it was. Even James would throw him away eventually when he got tired of him.

As he was in the middle of his own despair he started to feel a strange warmth wrapping around him. Why did he feel like this? It felt fine… kind of good? It was the same warmth when that one jellyfish touched his pinky finger, but it was surrounding him? That one jellyfish was back? It wanted to be around him? It wanted him?

He couldn’t understand this. He opened his eyes to see some purple and blue jellyfish floating around him. It was beautiful. It almost made him feel uneasy. Why would something this beautiful and amazing want to be around him? He didn’t understand. He was broken.

Lucien attempted to speak to it and try to make the jellyfish leave. Warn it that he was completely toxic and would just end up poisoning it and killing it. However he just let more and more maggot filled bubbles stream out of his mouth. But the more he talked the less maggots came out in the bubbles with bile. By the time he was done silently pleading with it, the bubbles were clean and pure again. 

“...?” This confused Lucien to no end. He didn’t understand. Was being around this jellyfish making him… clean? He didn’t understand. He reached out and touched the jellyfish, happy to find he wasn’t getting stung anymore. He just felt good. It was nice. For once there was something that wanted to stay with him and didn’t want to sting him. 

***

Lucien thought about that dream a lot when he woke up the next day. He was helping his grandpa hoe the field and plant some new crops. Now that it was fall the old man was planting pumpkins, bok choy, fairy rose, and cranberries. He still had lots of other crops, but those were the ones he was going to start with.

“Cranberries make a lot of money this time of the year.” He had said.

They had finished planting in the afternoon and his grandpa had started to boil some corn for their lunch. His grandpa might not have had all his teeth, but he sure did enjoy his corn. He boiled the corn and Lucien happily got some melted butter and pepper prepared. When the corn was done boiling his grandpa ended up taking a few of the corn cobs out, cut the kernels off, poured on some melted butter, and sprinkled on some pepper.

“You want me to do the same for you Lucien, or would you rather eat it straight off the cob?”

“I think I’ll be good with the cob grandpa.”

“Good boy. You still have all your teeth. Best to use them while you still have it.” The pair sat outside and ate on the porch. His grandpa continued to to talk about teeth. It was kind of amusing. “It’s the fluoride.” He said. “They didn’t start putting it into the water until after I came back from the war. Too late for someone like me who got into fisty cuffs with those fascist, right-winged monsters… Too late for my teeth…”

“It’s okay grandpa. You did your best. And you’re looking after what teeth you have left now, right?”

“Oh yeah. Of course I am. I still have a few molars left and I want to keep them.”

There was some rustling as someone approached the farm. Turns out it was Sebastian. He smiled a little at them and waved. “Hey.”

Lucien waved back. “Hey there yourself.”

His grandpa grinned. “Why don’t you join us for lunch? We have a lot of corn.”

Sebastian seemed a little surprised by this but nodded a little. “Oh, um, sure?” He sat next to Lucien and ate some of the corn he was offered. Everyone was quiet for a little while till Sebastian spoke up again. “So um, when are you going back to the city?”

“After lunch.” Said Lucien. “I have some shopping to do. There’s this cool place that does these amazing soup dumplings and pork dumplings… I really like dumplings now.”

“Huh, okay.”

Once they had finished eating the corn, the old man took the kernel free cobs to the barn to feed to the pigs. While he was doing that Lucien and Sebastian went inside and started to pack Lucien’s stiff away. Granted Lucien didn’t bring too much. Just some clothes and any homework he needed to do.

After that Lucien went to say goodbye to his grandpa and he walked to the bus stop with Sebastian. The black haired teen seemed kind of sad about him leaving so soon. Lucien didn’t really understand it. Obviously he was going to leave. He needed to. It was a given.

“Wish I woke up earlier.” Muttered Sebastian. “I wanted to spend some more time with you.”

“Oh? You did?”

“Yeah… I like spending time with you Lucien.”

Lucien blushed and smiled a little. He didn’t expect that Sebastian would actually like being around him much after the incident. “I see…”

“... So tomorrow you’ll be back in class, right?”

“Yeah. Unless the principle suddenly decides I need to be kicked out for violent behaviour…” He sighed. “Do you think they will kick me out so close to graduating?”

“Pretty sure if they do you could sue them.”

“Hmm, I guess so…” The bus pulled up and Lucien got on. “See you tomorrow Sebastian.”

Sebastian nodded. “Yeah… See you tomorrow.”

Lucien took his seat and looked out the window as the bus pulled away. He watched Sebastian stand there watching the bus until he couldn’t see him anymore. This weekend had been okay. He was still slightly confused about his jellyfish dream but that was fine. It was better to be a little confused rather than stung.


	46. Left field

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to make it clear, I know the major event in this chapter does seem really out of left field, but I think I did kind of foreshadow a little bit of it in an earlier chapter... But like, whatever. Hopefully this doesn't fall too much into "that" trope. You'll know it when you read it. Just, please give me some feedback if you thought it was too much or unnecessary. It'll really help moving forward (AKA I'll make necessary changes to make it not just some big thing that really didn't need to happen).
> 
> Anyway, kudos and comment please. Enjoy :D

On Monday Lucien was kind of glad to find that there were no notes in his locker anymore. No notes asking to meet up somewhere. That was nice, but everyone was giving him weird looks. Even the teachers. That was kind of disheartening. At least his friends still wanted to be around him.

It really showed when a teacher called for everyone to get into groups and no one wanted to team up with him but Sam. He felt kind of bad that he was pretty much a social pariah now. He just had to keep reminding himself that it was high school and it didn’t really matter in the long run.

But now exams were coming up. The teachers were more and more pushing study techniques. Some even gave out a test to see what methods of study would work better for each of them. Lucien wasn’t too worried about it. He was pretty average in all his classes. Meanwhile Sam and Abby were freaking out about maths and English.

“I just don’t get it!” Whined Abby. “The fucking bird is blue because it was a bluebird your fucking troll. What the fuck am I meant to say? Some pretentious shit?”

Lucien shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Fuck!” Abby headbutted the table. “... Ow…”

Sam sighed as he tried to follow what Sebastian was attempting to explain to him. “Um… Are you sure? I thought that… Wait, isn’t it seven?”

“No.” Sebastian pointed to the problem again. “You need to add the three from that part and then you subtract again to get negative one.”

“... Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Sam pouted a little. “So… You have anything you’re struggling with Seb?”

“I made sure to take classes I’m competent in.”

“Yeah well, Maths and English is compulsory and shit.” Muttered Sam. He flicked his pencil away and rested his head on the table. “Nap time. I deserve it.”

Lucien laughed. “We’ve been studying for five minutes.”

“Sleep.” Muttered Sam as he started to ignore them.

Abby sighed a little and stared blankly at Lucien. “So what are you shit at?”

“I’m average at all my classes.” Said Lucien. “Academics isn’t really my strong suit… We all know my talents lie elsewhere anyway.” Everyone went quiet for that. Lucien had meant that as a joke. Maybe it was too soon? It upset him that he couldn’t even make his friends smile. He was pathetic. “So… You any better at similes, Abby?”

“Oh yeah. I’m okay with that… So like you have a good study routine going on at home Lucien?”

Lucien nodded. “Yeah. I get home, do about an hour and a half of study a night. That’s about all I can do before I get too tired and pass out for the night.”

She nodded a little. “You still seeing that guy you like from your old school?”

“Huh? Oh, oh yeah.” Lucien blushed a little in embarrassment. He hadn’t told Abby and Sam of James. Hell, even Sebastian didn’t know James’s name. He just referred to him as Lucien’s sugar daddy. Sam and Abby just thought it was a friend he was crushing on and might be hooking up with outside of school. “We’ll probably have dinner later tonight.”

Abby chuckled. “Ah, so romantic. You gotta introduce us to this guy some day.”

“Um… maybe.” Lucien was in no way shape or form ever going to introduce his friends to James. That would be the worst. He glanced over at Sebastian. He looked a little annoyed. Obviously knowing who he was talking about. “We’re just going out to eat somewhere.”

Abby’s eyes lit up. “Oh! Where are you going?”

“His treat.”

“Sweet.”

Lucien laugh a little and pointed back to his notebook. “Come on Abby. Stop trying to avoid this.”

“... Asshole.”

***

That night Lucien ended up going to James’s office building to meet up with him. It was a surprisingly short taxi ride to get there. So Lucien ended up standing around outside waiting for him. As he waited he happened to watch office workers leaving the building. It must have been quitting time.

Unfortunately for him he happened to make eye contact with one particular office worker. Morris. The man seemed surprised to see Lucien and walked over to him. He smiled a little at him, but it seemed very fake and very forced.

“So, Lucien was it? We didn’t get to talk much when we last saw each other.”

Lucien shrugged. “To be fair we didn’t have too much to talk about.”

“Yes… So how did you and James meet anyway?”

“We met outside one night when I was walking.” Said Lucien in an uninterested manner. “We just ended up talking and now we’re what we are now.”

Morris smirked a little. “Well, I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I were you. James bounces around from person to person as frequently as someone changes underwear.”

“I know that.”

Morris looked a little taken aback by that statement. “You what?”

“I know James probably has many, many people on his phone that he can hit up at anytime. I’m just another footnote, a fresh notch on his belt, another conquest or whatever he wants to call me.” Said Lucien calmly. “But you know what? He’s choosing me and not you.”

Stating that made Morris go completely red in the face and he spluttered out some syllables. “Wha-? Yo- you… How dare you?”

“How could I not? You obviously are the kind of yuppie parasite that will do whatever they can to get to the top. You don’t care what you have to do you just do it.” He smiled a little at Morris. “So, you find the next person that can advance you and you become what they want. You don’t care how you do it. You’ll even sleep with people who you might not even be sexually attracted to. Now you’re mad at me because James is interested in me and not you so you can’t keep sucking up to him.”

Morris looked mad now. “Why you little-”

“What? Am I wrong?” Asked Lucien. “Didn’t you say it yourself? James sleeps around a lot. If you wait long enough you’ll get your turn, right? Then again, since you seem to be so mad at me right now then maybe you were lying? James doesn’t sleep around at all and you’re mad because he’s not going to push me aside anytime soon. Am I right?”

“You little fucking-”

A red aston martin pulled up beside them and honked the horn. James wound down the window and gestured for Lucien to come over.

Lucien quickly got into the car and waved happily at Morris. “Let’s talk again Morris.”

Once James pulled away he gave Lucien a confused look. “What were you talking with Morris about?”

“He was telling me you sleep around and I should get ready to be thrown away. I don’t think he understands the nature of our relationship.”

James laughed and shook his head. “Yeah, that sounds like something he would do… Do you think I’m sleeping around with other people?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t think it matters.”

“... Well, if it doesn’t matter to you one way of the other I don’t mind telling you anyway. If you want to hear.”

Lucien glanced over at him. He seemed quite sincere and willing to talk about it. “Sure.” 

“I don’t sleep around when I get into a semi serious relationship with someone. My relationships are usually short because I go after younger people and they quite often find people their own age they are interested in. It’s something I just have to accept. People just assume I am sleeping with everyone I feel like because of my quick turnover.”

“Huh… Okay.”

James laughed awkwardly. “You almost sound disappointed I’m not sleeping with everyone.”

“I’m just surprised that you’re more responsible than I am about this.”

“Well I am older than you. Your exams are coming up soon, right?”

“Yeah. I’m studying hard.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah…” Lucien played with a loose thread on his shirt. “Still not really sure what I want to do… I have like no ambitions in life. Kind of sad don’t you think?”

“Well you’re young. You just don’t know what you want and that’s okay. Maybe get a part time job? You mentioned working for Joja?”

“True… I guess I’ll see how I feel when I graduate.” He probably would go and get a job at Joja. He didn’t mind. Everyone had to make money somewhere. He also didn’t want to rely on James or anyone else for financial support. It would be okay. Really it would. Lucien closed his eyes and thought nothing more of it. There wasn’t really much more to think of.

Suddenly his phone went off and Lucien wasn’t surprised to see that it was Dr Eurwyn again. There was probably some kind of police or lawyer matter that he needed to talk to him about. Nothing he really cared about right now but he had to answer regardless.

“Hello Dr Eurwyn.”

“Hello Lucien.” The Dr sounded kind of upset and tired. “I-I’m so sorry to have to call you about this. You need to come to the hospital now. There has been an accident and your aunt she…”

***

The next few minutes seemed to blur into one for him. He might have screamed directions at James but that was just a feeling he had. They pulled up to the hospital and the Dr was waiting for him at the front. Lucien didn’t hear what they said and just walked with him down to some cold room.

There, laying on the table was his aunt. Her throat had been slashed from the collarbone on her left side and and ended just under her left ear. The line was jagged and didn’t look like it was cut with a knife. Her skin was so pale. She was just… so pale. 

She was dead. Why was she dead? What happened? Why did this have to happen to her? Why? Why? Why? What did she do? Why? How did this happen? He felt like he should be crying, but he wasn’t. 

He felt someone moving him around and before he knew it he was in the hallway and he could kind of hear the Doctor talking to him. He didn’t hear the first few things he said. Maybe he was trying to comfort him? He wasn’t too sure.

Lucien swallowed dryly. “S-so um… H-how did that… How did she?”

The Doctor gave Lucien a sympathetic look. “Lucien… I am so sorry… There is a woman in here that your aunt didn’t get along with. Your aunt held very strong atheistic views and this other woman is well… She’s extremely religious. They got into a fight in the pottery room and… She didn’t make it. I’m so sorry… After everything that you’ve gone through this week. I’m sorry. So sorry.”

Lucien nodded a little. He still wasn’t crying. He didn’t feel like crying. It was just too much of a shock for him. He was still trying to figure out what was going on. His aunt was dead. She was gone. That was it. She was gone forever. He didn’t know how to feel about this.

“That man you came with, who is he?” Asked the Doctor.

“Friend of my dad…” Muttered Lucien. “I… I have to go now… I need to… I need to organize her funeral.”

“You don’t have to do that.” Said the Doctor. “You can just leave that to us if you want.”

Lucien shook his head. “No… she needs to be buried with my uncle… I have to go now…” He slowly walked out and back to the car. He wasn’t sure if Dr Eurwyn was still trying to talk to him but he didn’t care.

When he got into the car and just sat there feeling numb. James gently touched his arm. “Hey. What happened? You kind of just lost it there for a moment. Why are we at a sanitarium?”

“M-my aunt… She isn’t… Wasn’t mentally stable and she… She got into a fight with another patient and she… She’s dead.”

“... Oh. Oh Lucien… I’m so sorry… Is your family going to be okay getting the funeral ready?”

A strained smile made its way onto his face. “Yeah. We’ll be fine… Can you please take me home tonight? I don’t feel like eating anymore.”

James gave Lucien a wary look. “Are you sure? I mean, I know your parents are probably-”

“My dad fucking abandoned me after my mum died years ago.” Interrupted Lucien. “I live alone. My grandpa lives out in the sticks. My aunt was the only family I had here and now she’s… She’s dead… And I just… I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”

James was very surprised to hear this. “Oh… I had no idea… In that case I think you should come back to my place. You shouldn’t be alone.”

Lucien shook his head. “No. I want to just go home James. Please take me home… I have some paperwork at home all about what funeral home I need to send her to so she can be buried with her husband…”

“... Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

James didn’t seem like he wanted to, but he drove Lucien back home anyway. “Call me if you need anything. Anything at all. Please.”

“I will. Thank you.” Lucien left his car and walked back into his apartment. He sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands. 

He felt sick. She was dead. Dead. He couldn’t believe it. That disgusting, nasty wound that cut up her neck. It looked horrific. She was so pale. She was pale before but with most of her blood already drained or pooling in her back it was just worse. Why did she have to die? Did she die in pain? Die in agony? Despite everything she went through, Lucien didn’t want her to die like this.

His vision went blurry and he touched his face. He was crying. His aunt was dead. He never wanted this. Why was it her? Why not him? Why couldn’t he have been killed? Why? Lucien started sobbing. Gross ugly sobbing. He was alone. He wanted her back. This wasn’t fair.

He cried some more and reached for his phone. He didn’t know who he was calling, but he wanted someone to listen to him. He didn’t want to be alone anymore. Lucien pressed the phone to his ear and waited for someone to answer him.

“Hello? What’s up Lucien?” Sebastian. It was Sebastian he called. Lucien couldn’t help but sob harder. This made Sebastian panic a little. “Lucien? What happened? Where are you?”

“Sh-she…” He whimpered. “M-my aunt. She… She’s dead.”

“... What? What do you mean she’s dead?”

“She’s dead.” Cried Lucien. “Sh-she was murdered. A-another patient killed her. Ripped into her throat with some broken pottery or something. I just… I’m crying but I don’t know if I’m sad I just… I feel bad that she’s not here anymore. I just… She’s dead… She’s dead… I saw her body… I-I need to arrange her funeral… I don’t think I’ll be at school tomorrow.” He laughed a little. “Everyone’s going to think I got expelled.”

“Lucien… Do you want me to come over tomorrow? Do you want to come over here? Do you want me to come over now?”

“No… No I… I have to organise her funeral. I just…” He sniffled and rubbed his eyes. “I just… So much has happened. I have no idea what I’m meant to do anymore. I just needed to let someone know why I’m not going to be at school tomorrow… Now my only living relatives are my dad and grandpa… Sebastian, I think I’m cursed.”

“What? Curses aren’t real Lucien. No rational person thinks it’s real. You’ve just had bad luck.”

Hearing that made Lucien want to sob some more. Bad luck? Just bad luck? How could he not be cursed? “My mum is dead, my dad abandoned me, my uncle died, my aunt raped me and now she’s dead, and I almost sexually assaulted you. How am I not cursed?”

“It’s all just bad luck Lucien. It’s not your fault those things happen… And if I remember correctly those shit heads were trying to make you do that to me. They were the ones at fault there. Not you… Please don’t think like that… Nothing that has happened was your fault. No one is punishing you for anything you think you did wrong. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Lucien still felt horrible. “I-I um… I need to go now. I need to find the paperwork for the funeral home…”

“Are you sure? We can keep talking.”

“It’s okay. I need to do this now. I kind of feel a little better after talking to someone… Night Sebastian…” He hung up and went to his room before Sebastian could answer him. He took a shoe box out of his wardrobe and sat on his bed. He opened it and started to go through the papers. Lucien needed to find the information he needed.

As he did so he felt a looming presence slowly leaning over him. He knew it was his aunt. She was there and she was angry at him. If it wasn’t for him she would never have been taken away. She wouldn’t have been put into that sanitarium. She would be alive and well in their apartment. Sure she would have been abusing him but in retrospect it wasn’t that bad, was it? He was just a whiny little bitch that should have just taken it. What sort of man doesn’t want sex anyway? 

He felt that looming presence suddenly lean forward and grip his wrists tightly. “It’s all your fault.” She hissed as she shook his hands, making him drop the box. “I’m dead and you’re alive. How is that fair? Everything that happened is because you couldn’t handle it. You’re sick. I hate you.”

“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for th-”

“Shut the fuck up.” She snarled. “I died because of you. I died a slow and painful death. You’re the one that did this to me! You! No one is to blame for this but you!”

Lucien started crying again. He knew it was his fault. It was always his fault. Why was he born? Everyone around him was continuously getting hurt because of him. He didn’t understand why this was happening. He could have done something to help his aunt. He just didn’t because he was stupid. His aunt needed him and he abandoned her. It was all his fault.

“Yeah, go ahead and cry more you useless, pathetic little bastard. How could you do this to me? Why were you born? You should just die!”

“I-I can’t…” Whimpered Lucien. “N-not yet… I-I need to bury you… I… I need to bury you… I need to give you a good funeral. It’s the least I can do after everything I’ve done to you. I’m sorry… So sorry…”

“It’s not good enough.” She growled. “It’ll never be good enough. You’re a curse. A rotten, broken, disgusting curse that is nothing more than a fucking burden to everyone. Just fucking die already.”

She shoved him off the bed and Lucien hit the ground hard. He knew his aunt was right. She was always right. He should just kill himself, but not yet. He couldn’t think about that kind of stuff. He needed to arrange her funeral and make sure she got buried with her husband.

With shaky hands he slowly gathered the papers that had spilled out onto the floor when she had shook his hands. Eventually he did find the paperwork for the funeral home. He put it on his bedside table and reluctantly crawled into bed.

That night he didn’t know if he was experiencing sleep paralysis or if he was dreaming. All he really knew was that his aunt was sitting over him all night. She rightfully blamed him for everything as she violently hit his chest and scratched at his face. He knew he deserved it.


	47. Funeral

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another sadish chapter, but hey, these things happen my dude. Kudos and comment and enjoy :D

The funeral was organised very quickly. The only people in attendance was Lucien and his grandpa. Lucien had called the family on his uncle’s side to see if anyone wanted to attend the funeral. They all declined. Apparently they didn’t think too fondly of her and were less fond of her when they found out she was living in a sanitarium. Hearing that upset him, but at least it kept costs down.

With some careful work from the morticians they were able to have an open casket funeral. There were no speeches. They just stood over her and said their goodbyes to her. People at the funeral home were the ones to carry her coffin out to her grave and buried her next to her husband.

It still seemed surreal. He still didn’t know how she could just be dead. He felt sick. His grandpa probably said a few things to him to make him feel better, but he couldn’t hear anything. He just looked down at the black suit he was wearing and felt depressed that despite how many people close to him had died. It felt weird to only be wearing this suit now.

When the dirt finally started to fall on her coffin was when his grandpa started to lead him away. The two of them walked back to the funeral home where the parking lot was. “Are you okay Lucien?” He asked. “This week has been really heavy for you huh?”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah… Wait, how do you know about what happened earlier?”

“Robin told me.” He said calmly. “It’s okay, I understand why you didn’t tell me. It’s okay… Would you like to have lunch with me?”

“... I don’t know grandpa.” Muttered Lucien quietly. “You have a long ride home and I have a bus to catch.”

“Please Lucien? My treat.”

“...” Lucien wanted to be alone, but he didn’t want to make his grandpa sad. “Okay. We can go wherever you want. I don’t mind.”

His grandpa smiled a little and drove to a small cafe about half an hour away from the funeral home. It was quiet and didn’t have many people in there. He really know what he wanted so he just told his grandpa to get him anything while he just stared out the window. 

His aunt was dead. Dead. She was buried six feet under and he just… He still had no idea what to make of it. He had to take a few days off school to organise all this. He hardly slept at all and pushed himself to study in between all of what was happening. He still needed to study English and Maths. He had to do it. He’d need to do it to pass his exams.

A waitress came around with a cup of black coffee and a mocha. His grandpa got the coffee and Lucien got the mocha. It was sweet. It made him feel a little better but not entirely. Maybe he should just drop out of school at this point? Sure he was close to finishing and he was studying hard but he was just so tired.

He took another sip of his drink and was kind of surprised to find that it was kind of cool now. It was odd. He must have been out of it for a while. Not that surprising. If he had actually caught the bus home he would have probably missed his stop.

Suddenly there was a slice of cheesecake in front of him and a slice of plain pound cake in front of his grandpa. “I hope you like the cheesecake.” Said the old man. “It’s one of the crowd pleasers here. Made fresh in house daily.”

“... Okay.” Lucien didn’t really want to eat it. He wasn’t hungry, but he did tell his grandpa to order anything for him so he reluctantly had a small piece. Almost immediately Lucien felt warm. It was like a small pleasant sensation that ran through his body. He slowly chewed it and swallowed. “What kind of cheese cake is this?”

“House special.” Said his grandpa. “Cinnamon bun flavour. They apparently add cinnamon to the crust as well as the actual filling… Do you like it?”

“Yeah. It’s really good.” Lucien kind of understand why he felt good. It was the cinnamon. Ever since he got that scented candle with Sebastian the slight scent of cinnamon made him feel just that little bit better. He didn’t know that eating it made him feel that little bit better too. It was nice. He’d probably try eating a little bit more cinnamon.

His grandpa was delighted that Lucien liked the cheesecake and drank some more of his coffee. “That’s good Lucien. Really good… So, I was wondering if maybe you’d like to live with m-”

“-I don’t want to move in with-”

“-e over the holidays.” He finished. “I want to spend time with you during Winter Star… It’s been many years since we’ve done it together.”

“Oh...” Lucien felt dumb.

His grandpa smiled a little and finished his coffee. “You can think about it. I just want this year to be a family thing. We can celebrate you graduating.”

“... Okay grandpa.” He ate some more cheesecake and felt a little better. They could spend the holiday together. It would be nice. He kind of wondered what it would be like to have a winter star dinner with family. Even before when his aunt and uncle were alive it was kind of strange and never really felt like the holidays. His uncle never put up a tree or any decorations, and his aunt didn’t really care that much for it. The only real festive thing they did was share presents and roast a chicken.

He didn’t manage to finish the cheesecake, but his grandpa managed to sweet talk the nice old lady behind the counter to put his leftovers in a box. He also bought Lucien another piece since he liked it so much. It was a nice gesture. He didn’t have to do that.

His grandpa drove him back to the apartment and Lucien let him in. It was the first time his grandpa had been in his home. He hoped he liked it. “So this is where I live…”

“It’s very spacious… I’m surprised you’ve kept the place so clean.”

“I like keeping things this way. I have some control when things when I clean up.”

“... Okay.” He sat down on the couch and Lucien went to put the cheesecake away. He hoped that his grandpa wouldn’t look through his fridge if he went to the bathroom or something. He had one egg and half a carton of juice left. Not even some condiments.

“So um… That was her funeral.” Muttered Lucien quietly. He still didn’t really know how to process this. She was dead. That was a fact. She was gone… Yet he could still see her from the corner of his eye. She didn’t say anything or move. She just stood there. She was probably still mad at him for just being alive.

“Yeah… You’ve been to too many of them already.”

“...”

His grandpa sighed a little. “Lucien… I know you don’t want to hear it but I don’t think you should be living here alone. I don’t like the idea of you being here alone. I live so far away from you I’m of no help when something goes wrong… I know you like your privacy, but please really consider it. I like having you around. You’re my grandson. I love you.”

“... I love you too grandpa.”

***

Sebastian, Abby, and Sam learnt about the funeral from Mr Berge that morning when he went to the bus stop only to see the old man quickly checking his old beat up truck. They had asked why he was in a suit and he had told them about the funeral. He said that he expected it to just be a short thing since it was just going to be him and Lucien attending.

The trio decided to go and see Lucien after school because Lucien had one hell of a terrible week. They would call their parents later at lunch or after school about their plans. They might not be too happy about it, but considering some of the sympathetic looks the adults had been giving Sebastian when he walked by, they all at probably knew what had happened from Robin.

Thankfully they all seemed supportive and seemed to even encourage this, mostly Robin. Their parents just wanted them home before midnight. It was still a school day. This kind of surprised the teens but the they were very thankful.

They made it into the city and Sam dragged his friends to some pizza place to get pizza to share with Lucien, while Abby dragged them into a bakery. Sebastian just wanted to get to Lucien’s place to make sure he was holding up okay. When they got there they were both surprised to see Mr Berge leaving. He was surprised to see them too.

“Oh, what are you three doing here?” He asked.

“We came to see Lucien.” Said Abby. “We’re all worried about him. We brought pizza and doughnuts.”

The old man smiled warmly at them and nodded. “That sounds good. Lucien really needs some good friends right now. Do you parents know you’re here?’

Sam nodded. “Yeah. We just need to get home before midnight. Pretty sure this is a one time thing.”

“Okay. You three look after him for me. Okay?” He walked past them and headed to his truck.

Abby knocked on the door and after a few minutes Lucien opened the door. He looked completely miserable, but at the same time surprised to see them. “Oh. What are you guys doing here?”

Abby rolled her eyes. “We came to see you dummy. Now open up and let us in.”

“...” He hesitated for a moment before letting the trio in. “Make yourselves at home… I um… I only have water or tea if you want anything to drink.”

Sam shook his head. “Hey, don’t worry about that. We came to see you. Want some pizza? You okay with pepperoni?”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah. I do.”

“Awesome. That’s what we got.” He put the pizza on the coffee table and sat on the couch.

“And doughnuts.” Said Abby as she put the doughnuts on the coffee table and gently moved Lucien to sit on the couch while she took the one chair in the lounge room. Sebastian ended up sitting on the other side of Lucien.

Once everyone was sitting down it became quiet. No one was touching any food and everyone just kind of sat around awkwardly. No one really know what to say or how to respond to all of this. It didn’t seem like any of them had ever been to a funeral before, or had maybe only lost grandparents and things were different?

Sebastian frowned a little and decided he should be the one to get this ball rolling. “So… This week really fucking sucked huh?”

Everyone nodded a little but that was about it. That was until Abby spoke up. “Um… so how was the funeral?”

Immediately Lucien seemed to perk up. “Oh it was fine. It was very nice. I managed to get her a similar coffin as my uncle. There were some nice flowers there. I actually bought her a nice blue dress. It was one of her favourite colours. She looked really nice. The mortician did a good job. Now she’s been buried alongside my uncle. I hope she’s happy where she is.”

Sebastian felt bad. Not that Lucien seemed to just be really happy about all this, but because he actually felt happy that this woman was finally dead. He hated peadophiles. That’s what that woman was. She didn’t deserve to live after what she had done to him. Lucien was just a scared young kid that didn’t think anyone would actually help him. Sebastian looked over at Sam and Abby who looked very sympathetic. They didn’t know the full story.

Sam nodded a little and put his hand on Lucien’s shoulder. “That’s rough man… What happened to her?”

“She got her throat slit by a fellow inmate at the sanitarium.” He admitted. Everyone was shocked to hear that. Sebastian was mainly shocked that Lucien was able to say that so casually. Like it was nothing.

Abby had the courage to ask the question she and Sam obviously had. “Fellow inmate?”

For a moment Lucien was quiet before he smiled at them with a blank expression in his eyes. “Yeah. She was in there for about a year. She has, had bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. She’d had it most of her adult life. That was just how it was. She was doing well but she stopped taking her medication after my uncle died suddenly. She was normal when she took her medicine. A little testy at times but everyone has bad days… Then it just got worse and worse. I have no idea what she was thinking or what she saw since she experienced both visual and auditory hallucinations.”

Sebastian looked down at the floor. Lucien was just going to spill everything to them. Everything must have really gotten to him and made him crack. Anyone would have after what he had been through. This was all just too much for one person to handle.

“Oh… Shit man…” Said Sam quietly. “Was it that bad?”

Lucien shrugged. He played it off like it was nothing. “Yeah, things got kind of bad. She started thinking I was my uncle. After a while she started to rape me and that’s why she got sent away.”

Sam and Abby started at Lucien like he had grown a second head. “WHAT?!” Screeched Abby. “SHE DID WHAT TO YOU?! WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Lucien shrugged again and continued to play it off like he didn’t care. “Hey, don’t worry about it. It was like a year ago. No big deal. I’m over it. Really.”

Abby was going red in the face from anger. “YOU DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT! THAT FUCKING BITCH!”

“HEY!” Snapped Lucien. “SHE WAS SICK! IT WASN’T HER FAULT!”

Abby didn’t seem like she could deal with Lucien’s amount of stupid and shoved her face into a pillow to screech for a few solid minutes. Sam just went pale and looked like he was in shock as all the wheels in his mind were turning. He seemed to be connecting the dots between what Lucien just said and his actions over the past week. He was becoming more horrified with every connection he was rightly or wrongly making.

Sebastian put his hand on Lucien’s shoulder and smiled a little at him and spoke softly. “Hey. It’s okay. We’re all just worried about you… It’s natural to get mad at someone you just admitted yourself did rape you.”

That seemed to calm Lucien down a little and sighed heavily as he just stared at the carpet. “She wasn’t a bad person… She was just sick… She wasn’t a bad person… She wasn’t…”

Sebastian nodded along. While he did agree that she was sick, he didn’t agree that she wasn’t a bad person. Having a mental disorder didn’t give her an excuse to do whatever she wanted. But he needed to make sure Lucien was okay and not voice his opinions about that woman.

“I know Lucien. Have a doughnut.” He looked over at Sam and Abby. “Hey you two. Follow me.” He gestured for the two of them to follow the bathroom. He closed the door and Abby looked like she was about to explode.

“What the fuck? What the actual fucking fuck? He went to the funeral of his rapist? Wasn’t he the one that organised everything? What the fuck? Why would he do that? Why the fuck aren’t you freaking out about this Sebastian?”

Sam looked like he was going to be sick. “You think that’s why he was doing that stuff?”

Sebastian frowned a little and sighed. He needed to come clean too. “I knew about the rape…”

His friends were shocked. “What?”

“Yeah. I found out months ago when he was sick with that cold. He was off his tits on meds and spilled everything… I didn’t tell you guys because fuck, that’s just not something you tell people… He must be going through some shit if he’s happy enough to just casually tell you guys that.”

Sam sat down on the edge on the bathtub just looking completely mortified. “Holy fuck… Holy fucking fuck… I mean… What the fuck can you say to that? What can you do about that? I just have no fucking clue…”

Abby grumbled and huffed. “It’s not like we can kick that stupid bitch. She’s dead now… Fuck. I just… Fuck. I have no idea why he doesn’t seem to hate that fuck for what she did. How?”

Sebastian shrugged. “I have no idea. She’s his family… She was his only family for a while.”

“What are we meant to do?” Asked Sam. “What can we do? I just… It all makes sense, right? The way he acts, the reason he doesn’t really talk that much to us? Why he doesn’t like being around adults? And he like, have you noticed that he doesn’t seem to like being around older women that much? Like everytime we have a class with a female teacher he’s always very quiet and goes really tense when one walks by his desk?”

Abby nodded a little. “Yeah… Fuck how could we have not seen it? I just… Fuck I feel stupid. What the fuck are we meant to do?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Look, I don’t think we can do anything but what we have been doing. He just needs some kind of stability or something. Maybe we could be that for him? Family isn’t who you’re related to, but who you choose. Right?” The two of them wholeheartedly agreed to that.

Suddenly Lucien knocked at the bathroom door. “Hey… Can I get my medicine or are you three going to keep talking?”

“...” Sebastian opened the door and Lucien shuffled in, grabbed a huge box of some kind of medication, popped some pills into his hand, put the box back and left. Everyone felt kind of awkward so they left the bathroom.

Lucien was sitting on the couch and just looked kind of depressed. “If you guys want to leave no you can. It’s no big deal. I’m happy that you decided to come and see me, but you really didn’t need to. It’s a school day and we have school tomorrow.”

Abby sighed a little and sat next to Lucien, giving him a big hug. “We care about you. You’re our friend. Our family… We want to be here for you.”

Sam sat on the other side of Lucien and also hugged him. “We’re here for you man. We’re always going to be here for you okay? You just need to give us a call. It’ll be okay.”

Lucien seemed to be stunned for a moment before he started to tear up. “You guys are weird… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand you…”

Abby smiled a little. “Hey. it’s okay Lucien. You just grew up a little different. If you let us help you we can try and help you open up more if you like. You’re our friend. Hell, as far as I’m concerned you’re my third mentally adopted brother. I kind of already mentally adopted dumb and dumber here.”

At that point Lucien broke down crying. “J-just stop it. Just stop it. All of it I… I don’t understand any of you! Why? Just why?”

“Because we care about you.” Said Sebastian. He was standing in front of the TV since he couldn’t sit with Lucien. “I know you have some trust issues or something but we do care about you… We really do… I know you might not believe us but you trust us enough to tell us about what your aunt did to you. That has to count for something, right?”

That’s when the water works really started. Lucien started crying. Full, uncontrollable, red faced, wailing. He hid his face in his hands out of embarrassment and started muttering all kinds of illegible things. He still seemed very upset and confused about what was happening. Like he still couldn’t understand why anyone would want to be around him when they found out he was a victim of sexual assault. He hoped that with time Lucien would get better. However right now he really needed to cry it all out.


	48. Friends in high places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone hope you all enjoy this chapter. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

In the end Lucien seemed to calm down and go back to what was normal for him. At least that’s what his friends had hoped. He seemed that way back at school the next day. Some people seemed surprised to see Lucien again. Maybe they thought he dropped out or something? Either way Lucien didn’t seem to care about them and seemed to quietly just go about his day.

During school hours his friends kept an even closer eye on him and made an effort to talk to him more in class. He seemed to appreciate that a little. That made Sebastian feel better too. At lunch time the two of them were on the roof alone while Sam and Abby were running around to get some study notes from the teachers for their worst subjects.

Sebastian wanted to talk a little about what they were going to do after school. He didn’t really know what Lucien was going to say. He would probably say something about shacking up with his sugar daddy and just living with him. That was a depressing thought. He still liked Lucien but given his mental state there was no way he felt like he could say anything. Still, as they were sitting together he did brush his fingers against Lucien’s.

He didn’t pull away and that made Sebastian blush a little. It made him feel kind of bad because it gave him some small amount of hope. Maybe Lucien was okay with guys? Like, he knew Lucien was good with guys but like was he good with them? Would he actually want to date a guy? He wasn’t too sure.

“So…” Said Lucien quietly. “What do you think you’ll do when you graduate?”

“Hmm? Oh I um… I’m pretty good with computer stuff.” Said Sebastian quietly. “Lots of old people out there don’t know how to make websites and stuff.”

“Huh. Cool.”

“... What about you?”

“Me? Oh um… I’ll just find a simple job somewhere… I should probably look into rental properties or something…”

“Why?”

“My dad owns the apartment I live in. No way he’s going to let me live in there once I graduate. He’ll kick me out in a heartbeat… Apparently I reminded him too much of my mum or something. Not that I blame him. My hair was longer and people did mistake me a lot like a girl when I was really small. I didn’t mind and my mum thought it was kind of amusing… But not so much my dad.”

“... You’re really too forgiving.” Muttered Sebastian.

Lucien shrugged and leaned against Sebastian’s arm, making the raven haired teen blush like mad. “I guess, but life is too short to be mad at people. I just accept it and roll with the punches. We could die any time so there’s no point in getting mad for no reason.”

“... Way too forgiving.” He mumbled.

Lucien chuckled. “I guess so, but we both know I actually have a limit. People like those entitled jocks… No. I’ll never be able to forgive them.”

Sebastian nodded a little and dared to put his hand over Lucien. His face felt like it was burning up. “Y-yeah… So um… Like… What are you going to do about him?”

“Him? You mean the guy I’m seeing?” 

“Yeah…”

“I’ll probably just end up working in his company.” Said Lucien. “I’ll get put into some place doing something menial for minimum wage for years or something. That’s fine with me.”

“And your relationship with him?”

Lucien shrugged. “I guess we’ll just keep going until one of us becomes tired of it. Could be in a few months, years… heck, maybe even tomorrow it will be over? I have no idea. But I don’t really mind. I’m kind of used to people using me and throwing me away.”

That broke Sebastian’s heart. Lucien’s sense of self worth was practically gone and he hated that. “You’re worth more than you think Lucien. Really… I wouldn’t throw you away…”

Lucien sat up properly and gave Sebastian a strange look. “You wouldn’t…? Are you trying to get me to suck your dick or something?”

Sebastian was just waiting to pass out from all the blood rushing to his face. “What? No. I don’t want to do that. I just I…”

“...”

“...”

“Are you going to finish that thought?”

“... You’re my friend. You don’t just throw your friends away for no reason and you’ve given me no reason to do it so… Yeah…”

“Oh, okay.”

Sebastian felt like an idiot. Of course he was stupid enough to almost get caught up in the moment and almost spill his guts out to him. But it was getting so close to exams. Everyone was going to graduate and that was going to be the end of it. He knew Lucien would try and vanish at the end of it all but he just wanted him to stay close. It was awful. He just felt so guilty.

***

Lucien stared up at the ceiling of James’s bedroom. He had been thinking over what Sebastian had been talking about. Would he really not throw him away? It was a nice thought to have but it didn’t really hold water with him. It sparked a small bit of joy in him for a moment but that was gone in an instant. There was nothing.

The mattress dipped a little next to Lucien where James sat beside him and helped him sit up to take some painkillers. “Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yeah I’m fine.” Lucien gladly took the pills. “Just thinking about the future and stuff… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Yeah…” Lucien sighed a little and shook his head. “I just… People are starting to talk about what they want to do once exams are over. Like some people are having a gap year, some are getting jobs, some are going to uni and stuff… I can’t see my life past the next day.”

James listened to him and nodded slowly. “Huh… I think that’s depression. I think my secretary was talking about that when she was talking about her daughter or something… Are you seeing someone?”

“Yeah. I’m seeing a therapist on Sundays. Too early to see if it’s working out or not. I don’t mind though. I’ve been put on medication after my outburst… So um… Yeah. I um…”

“Well that’s good. As long as it’s helping you that’s fine.”

“... Really?”

“Well yeah. I know a lot of people my age are kind of assholes when it comes to mental health but well, I try to keep an open mind about these things. I’m just happy you’re getting better.”

“... Thank you.” Lucien kind of expected James to be really put off by his mental health issues. Instead he seemed fine with it. He kind of expected him to brush him aside or to start treating him like a child. Most people would.

James leaned over and kissed his cheek. “If you’re up for it I’d like to take you to a company dinner with me tonight.”

“Oh?”

“I call it dinner but in reality it’s just a bunch of people in suits trying to one up each other in a dick measuring contest.”

Lucien nodded a little. “I see… then wouldn’t they be more impressed if you brought along a young woman instead and not me?”

He shrugged. “I could, but I think you would look better. Everyone knows I swing both ways and anyone who doesn’t approve of it knows to keep their mouths shut. Simple as that.”

“It’s good to have power.”

“That it is.”

***

Lucien didn’t really want to go to the fancy company dinner thing but he went anyway. James gave him some fancy clothes and gave him some information about what to expect and how to act around these company people. He didn’t see the reason for learning all that information. He just needed to smile and look pretty while James talked to people.

James had given him some fancy looking martini to drink while he talked to some other person. Sure Lucien had greeted them politely but he pretty much instantly zoned out soon after. This seemed to be his life for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t too bad he supposed. There were worse things that he could be doing.

Lucien swirled the clear liquid around his glass a few times before quickly gulping it down. It tasted like he was drinking fruit flavoured petrol. He didn’t see why any adults would drink this stuff.

A man and his wife approached James and happily greeted him. “Ah, James it’s good to see you again. You skipped out on the last one.”

James just grinned at the man. “Andy you sly dog. I didn’t know you were back in town.”

“Just flew in last night.” Said the man named Andy. “You remember my wife Darsha?”

James smiled at the woman. “How could I forget Darsha? The first time we met I accidently knocked over a drink and you cursed me out in… Punjabi? Hindi?”

“Kannada.” Said Darsha with a smile. “Or Kanarese if you would prefer.”

“Right. Sorry about that. You know me, terrible with languages. This is why I never put in for the positions overseas. I have a hard enough time speaking English.” James looked over at Lucien. “Lucien, this is Andy Clark. He’s practically running the Joja branch over in India. This is his lovely wife of three years, Darsha. Andy, Darsha, this is Lucien.” 

“The latest boyfriend?” Asked Andy.

James nodded. “Yes.”

“Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about-” The two men quickly started talking about company related things and Lucien went back to ignoring it. Darsha had captured his interest. She was an older woman so he was very cautious of her being so close to him. Despite his fear he had to admit she did look very beautiful.

She smiled at him. “So how long have you and James been a couple?”

“Um, a few months…” He said quietly. “He’s been pretty nice to me.”

“Yeah, bet the money helps out a lot too?” She grinned a little as she spoke.

“... Yeah.” Lucien didn’t care about the money. He was just happy about the time and affection that James had given him. The money wasn’t important but he did have to admit it was nice.

“But wouldn’t you rather being with a girl?” Asked Darsha. “Or are you gay? Nothing wrong with that but you know…”

Lucien shrugged. “I’m more attracted to men than women so… Yeah. And no offence but that’s kind of a rude thing to ask.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She said rather quickly. “Things are kind of different in my country and I am still trying my best not to offend others. It can be a bit of a learning curve.”

“Hey it’s cool. As long as you know.” He looked around a little and wondered if he should drink something else. He managed to spot Morris in the crowd of people talking with other people. He must have been relatively important to be here. He was chatting away with other people that must have been around his status in the company. 

Their eyes did meet for a second and he glared at him. Lucien wondered if he had made a life long enemy from the intensity he was glaring at him. He didn’t really know why though. Morris should have just gotten over him calling him out. People had such thin skin these days.

James and Andy finished their conversation and James took Lucien around and introduced him to several other Managers and CEO types and their trophy partners. It was quiet enough for the most part and Lucien did his best to be polite to everyone around him, mainly for James’s sake.

Near the end of the night the when James was getting tired with everything they were going to leave. However Morris managed to intersect them just at the last moment. “Good evening James. It’s really good to see you made it tonight.”

James instantly put on his best customer service voice. “Good to see you too Morris. Sorry that we haven’t been able to talk much. I’ve been a little busy catching up with other people. I haven’t seen Andy in over a year.”

“Ah yes. He just came back from India right?”

“Yeah that’s right.” Lucien yawned a little and James quickly seized that opportunity. “Sorry Morris, but I have to get Lucien home. He’s had just a little too much to drink and is pretty tired. Aren’t you?”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah.”

“See you tomorrow Morris.” He quickly guided Lucien out of the room. “If you need to talk business I’m sure you can arrange something with my secretary if it’s important.”

They didn’t say another word to each other until they got into James’s car. Even then they didn’t start talking until they were out on the road. James let out a huge sigh of relief and Lucien just laughed. “You really don’t like him do you?”

“Not one bit… Did you enjoy yourself? You seemed to fit in pretty well.”

“I did?” Lucien didn’t think so. Wasn’t he just standing around being arm candy for James to show off to other rich people? Look at how young and well dressed the person I’m fucking is. That’s what he was. He was just like the car or house or suburb James lived in. He was just there to show off James’s status in everyone’s eyes. 

“Yeah. I could see you talking and mingling with the big shots in a few years in a small managerial position.”

“Serious?”

“Yeah. You don’t?”

“Not really…” 

“Well I believe in you. You could do it if you want.”

Lucien nodded a little. James really thought too much of him. It was unwarranted and unnecessary. He just wasn’t made for that kind of stuff/ He was just a broken, messed up, screw up. He caught a flash of something out of the corner of his eye in the rearview mirror. 

In the backseat he could clearly see his aunt. She was leaning forward a little with her hands in her lap. She was clearly muttering something over and over again but Lucien couldn’t tell want it was. More than likely she was going on about how he didn’t deserve any of the praise he was being given.

She was right of course. She was always right. Now more so than ever. He was a horrible disgusting little leech on everyone around him. Eventually everyone would what kind of person he was and everyone would hate him. He already hated himself anyway so this was just more confirmation he was right. 

But Sebastian knew. He knew practically everything and didn’t hate him. Why? What had he done to deserve him and his kindness? Nothing. But was he even being kind to him? Was it just pity? Wasn’t that worse than being down right hated? He wasn’t sure. Maybe Sebastian was expecting something for his kindness? 

That was how the adult world worked anyway. Even if you had no money sex was always the default currency. Even he wasn’t blind enough not to see that everything James had done for him or was doing for him was because Lucien traded his body for it. Sex was always traded and used among adults. In the end Sebastian’s biology would tell him he needed physical compensation for the time and energy he spent on Lucien.

He had actually assumed that was what Sebastian was going to talk about at lunch time. He thought for sure that it was going to be the moment Sebastian would ask him to use his body like how he’d been letting everyone else use him. If Sebastian asked Lucien didn’t think he would charge him for it. He’d been kind enough to him and made him feel good enough without physically touching him. 

Was that friendship? Lucien wasn’t sure.

These days he didn’t know if he could be sure of his own emotions. He seemed to be bouncing from being happy, sad, suicidal, indifferent, and then back to happy. Was this what being bipolar was like? 

The thought made him chuckle a little. At this rate he really was going to end up just like his aunt. He was already hearing and seeing her when he knew she wasn’t there and his emotions were bouncing all over the place. Same things she was going through. Madness must run in his family like some kind of genetic disease. No matter how he looked at it he and everyone in his family had to be cursed to live some horrible existence.

But that was okay. Just because his mind was a wreck didn’t mean he had to let that show and bother everyone else. He had a lot of things going for him right now. He wasn’t ugly. He practically lived independently from his immediate family. He could get a job at Joja if he asked for one. He was sleeping with James too, and he was happy enough to look after Lucien as long as he kept spreading his legs for him. 

When it came to sex he didn’t have to think much about it anyway. What was there to think about? It was just the experience of someone asserting their physical power over another to make themselves feel good. That’s all sex was to him. It didn’t take a genius to know that anyone could do such a simple and mundane task. It wasn’t special. He was nothing special. He just needed to lie back and look pretty. 

Everyone liked pretty things if you hid the flaws well enough. Like a well rehearsed script he would lie back and repeat the words and actions he knew would make everyone happy. Even if he just felt hollow inside.

Suddenly the car pulled up in front of Lucien’s apartment block. He jumped a little in surprise and looked down at his clothes. “Oh I um… I left what I was wearing at your place…”

“Keep it.” Said James with a smile. “It looks good on you.” He leaned over and kissed him. “Goodnight.”

Lucien blushed a little. “Same to you.” He got out of the car and watched it drive away. From across the road he saw his aunt standing there. She was smiling at him and saying something over and over again but she was too far away for him to hear. He chose to ignore her and headed back into his apartment. 

For the first time in a long time he barricaded himself inside his bedroom. Logically he knew this meant nothing. She wasn’t real. She wasn’t going to come in and get him for any reason. She was dead. But he just thought that maybe if he did this he could trick himself into believing she wasn’t able to get in. That was his hope anyway.


	49. Seb meets James

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So their exams weren't really that important so I glossed over it a little and pretty much just used it as more of a milestone sort of thing. Anyway, the more important thing is that Seb and James finally meet. Mwahahahahahahaha. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy.

Exams seemed to come and go rather quickly. Lucien breezed through all of his and had some fun joking around with Abby and Sam after each one. The two of them were freaking out and panicking after each one. Even more so when someone elses answer was different to their own. They acted like it was the end of the world. Sebastian just told them they should have studied more. It was pretty much whatever at this point. Everyone was pretty much guaranteed to graduate now. 

Once the final exam was done they didn’t even have to go to school for the next few months while everything was getting graded and inputted into some huge data base for their final scores for their state. That basically meant that Lucien was pretty much free. He didn’t have to go to school anymore.

He had overheard people making plans about going on roadtrips or talking about where they were going to go to continue studying. It kind of made Lucien feel a little depressed. He was having enough trouble trying to figure out what he wanted for dinner that night.

Sam was talking about getting a job so he could afford more band equipment. Music was his passion and he was actually going to pursue it. Maybe someday if his band career didn’t work out he could do the sound mixing in film and TV? He seemed okay with that.

Abby was planning on doing some online courses. When pressed about what specific ones she wanted to do she just winked and said that it was a secret. That just made the boys press her for more information, but she wasn’t budging. It was annoying, but she had a plan.

Sebastian was talking about how he was going to get more into coding and web design. The future was online after all and he had a plan. He had also mentioned moving out of Pelican town a few times to go to the city. Something about life being easier for a tech savvy person if they lived in the city rather than the country.

Sure Lucien was happy for them. He was happy they had a direction in life. He didn’t have anything. He just smiled and mentioned he was looking at a few schools and maybe having a gap year if he felt like it. Sam and Abby seemed to be cool with that, but Sebastian seemed to be kind of skeptical about that.

Either way the day of his last exam, once it was over, Lucien went home and started to look for cheap apartments and a job. Most places he looked at wouldn’t give him enough to rent anything close to what he wanted. It wasn’t like he wanted that much to begin with in the first place. Just a small one bedroom unit in a relatively okay place would do. But he had quickly found out people didn’t really feel like renting to teenagers like him. James’s offer to move in with him was looking more and more appealing.

With that in mind he quickly settled into a new routine of waking up, taking his meds, laying in bed, and going out with James in the evening. He only ever really deviated from this when he needed to get groceries, see Dr Eurwyn, or get a refill on his prescription. It was amazing how quickly he became used to it. It had only been a week at this point.

He ended up feeling quite numb during this time. But he did put on a happy face when he had to go out. He kept insisting to Dr Eurwyn that he was fine. That nothing was wrong. He doubted the man believed him, but he just seemed happy that Lucien was coming to see him and taking his medication. James seemed pleased that Lucien was looking after his mental health and the two of them just continued on as normal. Whatever this normal was now.

Lucien sighed a little and checked his phone. It was still about twenty minutes till James would come and pick him up for the night. James was apparently free the next day so they would be spending the whole night and the next day together. Lucien could only assume that for the majority of their time together would be spent with him tied up to something while James had his way with him.

It wasn’t bad though. James was just James and he was kind to him. That’s all Lucien cared about. He made him feel good. In the end that’s all he wanted. He wanted to feel good and have that feeling stay. So far in his life James seemed to be the only one that could provide something close to that, even if it was forced out of him due to an orgasm.

He pulled himself out of bed and quietly shuffled over to his wardrobe to find some nice, clean clothes to wear. He’d put on some clothes, and put on a smile. He’d just do what he could to make James smile and praise him.

***

For the past few days Sebastian had been thinking about texting Lucien and maybe calling him up just to see how he was going. He had been worried that Lucien would drop off the map once exams were over. For some reason he had decided that just calling him wasn’t good enough. He was going to see him.

He had everything planned on taking Lucien out to a sushi train, like they had talked about, and then maybe going out for ice cream after or something. It would kind of be like an actual date. But not really. No way he would call it an actual date. If he did Lucien would probably get all embarrassed and deny it. Sebastian would probably deny it too since he didn’t want to upset Lucien, even though he did like him.

He liked him a lot. Maybe if everything went well he’d be able to confess that he did like Lucien and would like to go out with him. If he did confess he really wanted Lucien to say yes and go out with him. Everyone would want their crush to say yes to their confession. Yoba, he was nervous.

However when Sebastian managed to get to Lucien’s place he saw a red aston martin parked out the front. He stared at it for a moment before he quickly pulled out his phone and looked at the picture he’d taken of a red aston martin’s licence plate weeks ago. It matched. Sebastian could see that the window of the driver’s seat was rolled down and smoke was slowly drifting out.

“... Fuck it.” He knocked on the passenger window and looked inside when it rolled down.

An older man gave him a mildly confused look. “Want something?”

“Yeah, do you know Lucien? He lives here.”

“I might. Why do you ask?”

“I’m a friend of his… I need to talk to you.” He unlocked the door and slipped into the passenger seat. “So you… You’re like… You’re his sugar daddy or something, right?”

The older man chuckled a little at the way Sebastian had phrased it. “What are you, a cop? Get out of here kid.”

Sebastian’s face was burning with embarrassment. “I’m not a snitch. I’m just a friend of Lucien’s and I’m just worried about him, okay? He’s going through a lot right now and he really doesn’t need someone like you playing around with him. Just leave him alone.”

The older man looked thoughtfully at Sebastian for a moment while quietly smoking his cigarette. “You wouldn’t happen to be the kid that keeps calling him while we’re off doing our own thing are you?”

“... Maybe.”

He smiled a little at Sebastian. “I see… You really care about your friend a lot, huh?”

“I do… I really don’t want to see him get hurt.”

“Neither do I. Don’t give me that look, I know you don’t believe me but it’s true. I don’t see Lucien as just some object. He’s a nice guy. I like talking with him. He’s funny. He likes cooking. He’s a good listener. Doesn’t complain much.”

“Yeah, he has trouble standing up to authority figures.” Muttered Sebastian. “I just… I don’t think it’s a good idea for someone as young as him to be with someone old enough to be his dad. It isn’t healthy.”

The older man seemed to be slightly offended by that statement, but he quickly let that go. “I guess so. However have you considered that some people happen to develop kinks and fetishes faster than others your age? Lucien seems to be into gerontophilia. At least that’s what I gathered from what he’s mentioned about his past sexual experiences.”

“... What?”

“Gerontophilia.” Repeated the man. “It’s where someone is sexually attracted to older people. It’s basically the opposite of a peadophile.”

“Oh… Well he isn’t into that kind of stuff.” Muttered Sebastian. He wanted to inform this man that Lucien just did it with whoever wanted to fuck him, but that would just make Lucien sound like he was easy. It was far more complicated than that.

“If you say so.” The older man tapped the ashes of his cigarette out the open window. “You know, your heart is in the right place, but Lucien can make his own decisions. I know you want to look after him and what not, but you just can’t do that. Everyone makes their own choices and they have to live with them. You can make suggestions and try to push them in the right directions, but no. You have to let them do what they want. They are their own person, you know? Wouldn’t you hate it if say your parents made you do everything they said? All their expectations forced onto you with no thought to your feelings?”

“... I guess.” That was just depressing. He had hoped that this guy was some asshole that he could potentially threaten, and he possibly still could, but he seemed decent enough. He must have treated Lucien well or at least something something like that.

“Good. Now shouldn’t you be heading home kid? It’s getting late.”

“... Look after him.” Said Sebastian quietly. He knew when he was beat. He was just a dumb teenager that was practically completely useless. Seriously, what could he do for Lucien? He needed money to help Lucien and that was something he didn’t have. Hell he couldn’t even get into Lucien’s heart. Lucien was never going to see him as someone he wanted that way. “Treat him right. He’s suffered too much already.”

“... You really like him don’t you? Maybe even in love with him?” 

Sebastian blushed. “N-no…”

“No need to get embarrassed kid. If you like men I don’t care.” He half heartedly offered Sebastian a cigarette, which the younger almost reluctantly took. “Look, if you like him that’s all well and good, but don’t expect him to like you back.”

“... I’m not stupid.”

“Never said you were kid. Never said you were.” He glanced down at the clock in his car and frowned a little. “I you want to talk to Lucien he’ll be walking over in a few minutes. He’d probably feel better talking to you outside rather than finding you in his seat.”

“...” Reluctantly Sebastian left the car and walked towards Lucien’s building. He didn’t really know what to make of that man. He was different than he expected. Before he could really think too much about it Lucien exited the building and gave him a surprised look.

“Sebastian? What are you doing here?”

“I um… I was just gonna drop in and surprise you.” He mumbled. “But I can see you probably already have plans with him…” He gestured towards the car.

“Him?” Lucien looked over to where he gestured and blushed. “Ah yeah… James and I have been going out together pretty much every night…”

It was then that Sebastian noticed he was carrying a backpack. It looked rather bulky. “Are you running off with James tonight?” He knew that he probably shouldn’t have put such a negative emphasis on James’s name. But he couldn’t help it.

The way he said the others name seemed to upset Lucien a little. “You don’t need to be rude Sebastian. What I do with my free time isn’t your concern…” He tightened his grip on his bag. “I um… I should go now.” He walked past Sebastian, but the other teen quickly reached out and grabbed his arm.

“I-I was going to take you to a sushi train… You said you wanted to go to one of those with me, right?”

“... Yeah but maybe another time. Okay?”

Sebastian sighed sadly and let him go. “Lucien, do you really want to go with him? You don’t have to. You can just come with me… I’m not rich like that guy but I like you. I like you a lot and I just… Seeing you do that kind of stuff I just… Go out with me. Please.” He could feel his face burning up when he said that. There he said it. He liked Lucien and wanted to go out with him.

Lucien just stared at him in confusion for a moment before smiling sadly. “I don’t need your pity Sebastian. You don’t need to say those things.”

“What? No. I do like you Lucien. I really do.” He knew this would happen. Lucien wasn’t going to believe him. He never could believe him, could he? Why would he?

Lucien just smiled and shrugged a little. “Really, you don’t have to say that. I know the way you three look at me. The way everyone looks at me. It’s always a mix of pity and disgust… Do you really think that asking me out will magically solve all my problems? Being in a relationship won’t fix me. You can’t fix me. No one can. I’m broken.”

“No you’re not.” Sebastian didn’t really know what to say at this point but that didn’t stop him from talking. “I know a relationship can’t fix anything. But I like you. I like you a lot… I’ve wanted to go out with you for a while but like… I knew you wouldn’t believe me. I don’t want you to think I’m only interested in sex or something like the other guys at school. I like you for you.”

“...?” Lucien just seemed confused to hear that. He didn’t seem to know what to make of that. “You shouldn’t be wasting your time with me. We’re just going to drift apart for good once we get our exam results back you know? No point in trying to be friendly with me.”

“But I like you.”

“No you like the idea of me.” Said Lucien calmly. “I don’t know why but people seem to be drawn towards broken things so they can change them and fix them into being what they want. What do you want from me Sebastian?”

“I-”

“Are you really any different from the other boys in our class?” Asked Lucien. “You said you want to go out with me. You want a romantic relationship with me so at some point you’ll want to have sex with me, right? You probably want to do that with me now too.”

Sebastian went bright red. “I um… No I just-”

“I offered you a chance to be with me before. I don’t mind if you still want to do that with me. It’s no big deal.” He smiled a little and stepped closer to Sebastian. “You’ve been kind to me for a long time… Unlike the guys at school who were happy to get blow jobs, I’m happy to go all the way with you.”

Sebastian was blushing like crazy at this point. “No wait I-”

“But you like me right? If you like me you probably hate what everyone else has been doing to my body. You just want to erase it all and replace it with your touch?” He took hold of Sebastian’s hand and pressed it against his chest. “You have an idea about what James has been doing to me. Do you want to do that to me too? Make me forget all about him? Would you do that be being gentle?” He slowly moved Sebastian’s hand upwards until he wrapped it around his throat. “Or will you brutalize me to the point where I have no idea if I’m dead or alive?”

Sebastian quickly pulled his hand away. “What? No. I… I don’t want to hurt you. You’re my friend and I like you and I-”

Lucien shook his head. “Just stop… Stop right there. We can talk about this later okay?” He reached into his pocket and took out his keys, giving it to Sebastian. “It’s late. You can stay at my place tonight. I’ll be back later in the afternoon. I don’t have much in the way of food, but feel free to order a pizza or something.” He smiled a little at Sebastian before quickly running over to James’s car, leaving him alone with the keys.

“... Fuck.” Sebastian knew he screwed up again. He shouldn’t have confessed. He shouldn’t have suddenly surprised him like that. He should have called ahead… But now since he had Lucien’s keys and he didn’t feel like getting a late bus back home he reluctantly went to Lucien’s apartment.

It was just as unnaturally clean as ever apart from the papers that littered the coffee table. He picked one up and was kind of surprised to see it was a list of cheap apartments. He really circled and crossed out a few. They looked like they were all low income areas. He might as well have been trying to rent a trailer at this point.

He put his hands in his pockets and happened to touch the cigarette James gave him. He stared at it for a moment and thought about how people say they smoke to relax. This situation with Lucien was pretty fucking stressful and it wasn’t like he was going to get hooked after just one. He found some matches under the sink, opened a window, and lit up. It burnt his lungs and he coughed a little. It was a little different from smoking a joint, but it wasn’t that bad.

 

***

Lucien practically dived into the car and ordered James to drive away before he’d finished putting on his seat belt. James did comply but he did seem a little annoyed. “So what did your friend want?”

“He just confessed to me.”

“And what did you say?”

“He just wants sex. That’s all the boys at my school want. Just a warm, willing body to lie with. Nothing more.”

James frowned but nodded anyway. “I see… He’s the one that’s called you a few times when we’ve been together?”

“Yeah. Sebastian means well but he just… I can’t trust what they say. People like them are just parasites. They only want one thing.”

“Are you sure about that?” Asked James. “Aren’t you pretty much always going on about how nice he is to you? You know he cares about you and you obviously care about him but you’re calling him a parasite?”

“He’s a teenage boy. Teenagers just have one thing on their mind James. Sex. Fucking. In the end a hole is just a hole and that’s all anyone ever cares about. Gender is just an option at that point.”

“... Is that how you feel about me?” Asked James.

“Hmm? No. You’re older. Unlike boys you have some more self control.”

“Do you always think about sex?”

“Constantly.” It wasn’t a lie either. He did think about it all the time but he always thought about sex but hardly ever in the positive way. He played every detail of his sexual experiences over and over in his mind. He didn’t really know why. It just felt strange to him.

“So… do you not want to have sex tonight?”

“What? No. I’m fine with doing it tonight. I was just expecting it. I like having sex with you.” Not a total lie, but still.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.” He glanced out the window and hummed a little to himself. “... Did Sebastian happen to talk to you when you were waiting for me?”

“Yeah.”

“... What did he say to you?”

James laughed a little. “He was being over protective. He was pretty much telling me to go away. He didn’t threaten me or try to threaten me really. Honestly it made me laugh a little on the inside… But it was a bit annoying really.”

Lucien nodded a little and kept looking out the window. He just had to forget about Sebastian for now. Tonight he just had to think about James and what he wanted to do with him. Tonight he’d probably end up getting blindfolded again. James had mentioned he would like to try some wax play with him. He didn’t really know how that was going to go, but it was going to hurt so he was willing to try.


	50. Severing ties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Another sad chapter but hey it's my birthday today. I can write sad angst if I want. Kudos and comment if you can please. Enjoy :D

Around midday Lucien was back home. His whole body was aching more than usual. He was glad it was winter. Just looking at himself in the mirror earlier that day from head to toe he was covered in bruises and small grazes. Some were new, most were old, all were made by James. He’d probably start invest in more jumpers and coats.

He checked his mailbox and was surprised to see that the key wasn’t there. Maybe Sebastian was still sleeping in his apartment? That was a possibility. He didn’t really know what to say to him if he was there. He reluctantly went back to his apartment and jiggled the door handle. Surprised to see it was unlocked.

He walked in to see Sebastian sitting on the couch drinking tea. It surprised Lucien a lot. “You’re still here? And you left the door unlocked?”

“I assumed you would be back soon.” He said. “I only unlocked the door about ten minutes ago.”

“I see…” He walked past Sebastian, dumped his bag near him, and went to get himself a drink of water.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine… I kind of just want to sleep today. I had a rough night.” He drank a glass of water then drank another. He hardly even noticed when Sebastian moved over towards him till he was standing behind him.

“He hurt you again? Right?” He gently reached over and put his hand on his shoulder. His thumb lightly tugged at the collar of his shirt, exposing the slight bruises on his neck. “What did he do to you?”

Lucien brushed Sebastian’s hand away and sighed heavily out his nose. “James and I just did what we usually do. Any injuries I get are superficial. It’s not like he beats the shit of out me like a punching bag.”

“... Do you really like getting hurt so much? Are you really that much of a masochist?”

“...”

“Lucien?”

“I’m a whore, Sebastian.” Said Lucien quietly. “I’m a whore. I have sex with anyone that wants me. I don’t even ask for money or anything like that… Don’t mistake your infatuation with me with actual romantic feelings. There is nothing there.”

Sebastian was quiet for a moment. “So you would be fine with having sex with me if I told you that’s what I wanted from you? Just sex?”

Lucien was a little surprised to hear Sebastian say that, but at the same time he couldn’t help but smile a little. Sebastian must have been thinking about it for hours last night. He had confessed that he liked him after all and well, Lucien pretty much rejected him.

“If that’s what you want then I can give you that… Fuck buddies would be the right term for us I think?”

“Would you really want that? You’ve made it clear you don’t like sex.”

He shrugged. “There’s just something wrong with me. I don’t like having sex with women. It makes me feel dirty. I feel less dirty when I’m with men. I think it’s because I have the same basic body as a mans so I’m more comfortable with everything…”

“But you still feel dirty after?”

“... Yeah.”

“Then why keep doing that kind of rough sex with him?” Asked Sebastian. “Doing that kind of stuff, wouldn’t that make you feel even more dirty than just normal, more vanilla sex?”

Lucien sighed a little and put his empty cup in the sink. “Sebastian, I don’t think you would understand my reasons even if I told you… Heck, I’m not even fully sure why I do what I do anymore… At the moment this is just routine for me… You should just go home. I’m not someone you should be hanging around anymore. Fuck, you shouldn’t have been crushing on a whore like me in the first place…”

“... But I like you.” Said Sebastian quietly. “I don’t care what has happened with your body before. A fair bit of it was your choice or out of your control… I just like you for you… I want to take you on a date.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“No Sebastian… I know your heart is in the right place but you’re trying to give it to the wrong person.” Lucien felt bad for Sebastian. He was a good person. Way too good for him. This silly crush he had on him wouldn’t last very long anyway. “I don’t think I’d be a very good boyfriend anyway. You need to have some kind of emotional investment to have one of those… I can only offer you a physical relationship, but you want more than that, right?”

“Lucien…” Sebastian kind of looked like he was going to cry. That wasn’t what Lucien wanted, but he needed to be firm with him. Best to crush whatever romantic fantasies had had now rather than let them linger.

“I’m sorry… I can’t be with you. Not in the way you want.”

“Are you really a gerontophile?”

“A what?”

“Opposite of a peadophile. You want to fuck older people.”

“Oh… I don’t know. Older people just seem to know what they are doing better than people our age. I’m used to people just using me like a toy. Maturity, experience… I’d prefer that.”

“... Can we still be friends?”

Lucien was confused for a moment. “Friends? You would really want that with me? I told you nothing was going to come of it. Why stick around?”

“Because your friendship is more important to me than my stupid romantic bullshit stuff.” Said Sebastian. “... I didn’t want to tell you how I felt because I thought something like this would happen… Just forget I said anything, okay? Just forget I said I liked you or asked you out…”

A deep sadness welled in Lucien’s chest when he heard this but he felt like he had made a similar plea to Sebastian before at some point. “... No. I won’t forget. Just like you couldn’t forget what I said to you before… The best we can do now is just try to forget about each other and move on with our lives.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I plan on cutting off all contact with everyone after I go back to school one final time to get my exam results. None of you should have tried to be my friends… I wasn’t made to have friends.”

Sebastian was surprised. “What? Seriously? You’re just going to drop us all like that?”

“Yeah.” Lucien nervously played with a loose strand of hair. “Don’t get me wrong this year has been fun but I really don’t think I’m emotionally ready for any of this… I just… I kind of recently have just been diagnosed with similar mental issues as my aunt so-”

“Wait what? Seriously?”

Lucien nodded. It was embarrassing to admit, but it was true. Talking to Dr Eurwyn about what he had been thinking about, feeling, and seeing. He was going to end up just like her. “Yeah… For months I have been hearing and seeing my aunt… Sometimes when I eat or cough hard enough I can see maggots crawling everywhere… Dr Eurwyn wants to do a few more sessions with me before he starts prescribing any really heavy drugs.”

Sebastian was quiet for a moment. “... You’re not your aunt.”

“...”

“Really, you aren’t her. You’re nothing like her. You’d not going to do the same things she did. You know that, right?”

“But there is a chance I might.” Said Lucien quietly. “And if there is a small chance that I am going to end up like her I’d rather do everything I can to make sure I won’t. That includes isolating myself.”

“... Please don’t do this.”

Lucien smiled sadly at him. “You should go home Sebastian. Your family is probably wondering where you are and so are your friends.”

“They’re your friends too.”

“They were yours first.” Said Lucien quietly. “... Can you please go now? I’m tired and want to get some sleep before heading out again tonight.”

“Are you two going to do that again?”

Lucien shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know. There is a chance but I think he just wants to have dinner with me.”

“... I don’t think you should see him anymore.”

“Okay.”

Sebastian seemed surprised for a moment. “You’re not going to see him anymore?”

“No. I’m just acknowledging that you don’t think I should see him anymore. You’ve made it clear you don’t like James and I am okay with that because I’m going to keep doing what I want just like how you’re going to keep doing what you want. Okay? You can’t tell me what to do anymore than I can tell you what to do.” He knew he was probably coming off as cold, but Lucien was really tired. He wanted Sebastian to go home and to leave him alone. If he had to sound uncaring to do so he would. Sebastian needed to leave now.

Sebastian looked really upset but nodded anyway. “Yeah… You’re right… I’ll um… I’ll just go now… Sorry I told you I liked you. You probably think someone confessing to you is pretty disgusting or something…”

“Yeah, I do. Goodbye Sebastian.” Lucien watched the other teen leave his apartment. Once Lucien was sure Sebastian was good he locked the door and sighed.

Did he really think someone confessing that they liked him was disgusting? Yeah. He did. He only tolerated James saying that he liked him because… Because... Because they had an understanding. They both knew what they were doing wasn’t permanent. It was just temporary until they found something better to occupy their time with. That’s all. Sebastian was much too serious.

He deserved someone who could be just as serious about having a relationship as he was. Lucien couldn’t be that person, and he didn’t want to give Sebastian some sense of false hope by stringing him along with friendship. Cutting him out was the best thing for it. It was the only decision that made sense to him.

He numbly went and started to unpack his backpack. He fumbled his phone and wallet, cringing a little when the two hit the floor. Some loose coins and a few cards fell out of his wallet. He collected the cards and had a quick look at each one. Most were stamp cards from a few food places, but he did see the card that James gave him.

He picked it up and turned it in his hands. One number was James’s work phone. One side was the recruitment office. He looked at that number for a moment. He didn’t have much in the way of opportunities. If he didn’t try this out he could always get a job working at a strip club. Maybe. As long as his bruises healed.

Lucien sighed a little and picked up his phone and called the number. He wasn’t at school anymore and he needed to become independent. He he could secure part time somewhere than it was a start.

***

Sebastian felt like absolute shit. He knew he should have kept his mouth shut. Everything was falling apart around him. He shouldn’t have acted on his feelings. It was stupid of him to think anything would come of it. Lucien didn’t fall in love with people. He had trouble trusting anyone. He might have even been the only one Lucien really trusted but then he ruined it with three words.

I like you.

What a joke. What a mistake. Lucien didn’t need someone to like him like that. He needed a friend. He couldn’t even be that for him. Lucien needed friends. Now he was going on about cutting contact with him, Abby, and Sam. Why? They were all friends. It wasn’t because of him was it?

That couldn’t be it. Could it? Why was he having trouble breathing? Was this a panic attack? Was he having a panic attack over this? He needed to calm down. He needed something to distract himself. He walked into the first corner shop on the streets without seeing what it was.

Much to his surprise it was a tobacco shop. The tired looking employee behind the bullet proof glass glanced up at him and quirked an eyebrow. It was a pretty small shop with hardly anything in it but cigarettes and other smoking paraphernalia locked in a metal box behind the bullet proof glass on the counter.

“Need some help?” Asked the employee.

“Um… Cigarettes.” He muttered. “Menthol. Don’t really care about the brand. Something cheap.” What else was he meant to buy in a tobacco shop?

“Sure thing. Can I see your ID?” They tapped the sign that said that they needed to check ID because it was the law or something to that effect. 

Sebastian took his ID out and was thankful for once that his mum waited an extra year before she put him into school. Technically he was a legal adult but since he still went to school everyone kept treating him as such. Not that he cared about that anyway. He also put a lighter on the counter. He had one at home but not with him now.

The employee checked his ID, gave him his cigarettes, and rang him up for that and the lighter. “Have a good day.”

“Yeah. Same to you.” The second Sebastian stepped outside he lit up and choked a little. He still wasn’t used to cigarette smoke but he was quickly getting used to it. He did feel a little better after having one. Less stressed about the shitty situation Lucien was in and the situation he’d made for himself.

He really didn’t know what he could do to help Lucien anymore. He wanted him out of his life. He wanted everyone out of his life. Lucien just wanted to erase everything and move on.

Sebastian didn’t really know what to do about that. It was obvious everything that Lucien was doing was just causing him unneeded stress. Maybe if things were different they could have been something. Maybe. He didn’t know.

Maybe he should forget about Lucien like he wanted? Maybe that would be better for him. For the both of them? Lucien didn’t want anything to do with him anymore… 

“Of course he doesn’t.” Muttered Sebastian bitterly as depressing thoughts entered his mind. Lucien liked older men. Lucien didn’t like high school boys like him. Lucien liked mature people. He liked someone that could provide for him. He liked someone that didn’t know anything about his past abuse. Lucien didn’t like Sebastian because Sebastian was Sebastian. He probably hated the emo look that he had. Lucien would never see him and anything more than just another person. He hated it.


	51. Leave it all behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a kind of sad chapter, but hey, the angst has kind of flat lined for the moment. Kudos and comment. Enjoy :D

Over the next few days Sebastian, Sam, and Abby had tried to contact Lucien. They had included him in the group chat but he never answered. It really worried everyone. After another day of hearing nothing from him Abby demanded that they go and see what was going on. 

So they went. Sebastian didn’t feel like going there. He hadn’t told Abby and Sam that Lucien had flat out rejected him. They just knew that his surprise dinner thing with Lucien didn’t work out. He just said that Lucien was out so he went and stayed at a motel instead. And he also picked up smoking.

They went to Lucien’s apartment and knocked on the door. They got no response. They knocked harder. Still nothing. This got the trio instantly worried but they had no idea what they needed to do.

“What should we do?” Asked Sam.

“Kick the door down?” Suggested Abby. “Police?”

“And say what to the police?” Asked Sebastian.

Abby shrugged. “Wellness check?”

“Excuse me dears, are you okay?” A little hunched over lady with a walker approached them. She smiled at them, squinting behind her thick glasses. “Are you looking for the person who lived there?”

Sam nodded. “Yeah. Our friend used to live here. Brown hair, blue eyes. Kind of quiet.”

The woman hummed a little. “I see… Oh, I remember him. My son is the landlord of this complex. The previous person who was living there and canceled their lease and the boy that lived there moved out about three days ago. They took the last of the furniture yesterday.”

The trio were in shock. Lucien was gone already? Sebastian felt sick. He had no idea that Lucien would suddenly vanish like that. Was it because of him? Did he say something wrong? Did Lucien really hate that he confessed to him that much? He must have.

“Did he leave a forwarding address?” Asked Sam. 

The woman shook her head. “I’m sorry dear. I don’t have that information… Sorry about your friend. I hope you’ll be able to catch up with them soon.”

Unsure what to do the trio ended up sitting at a table at a local food court and tried to figure out what was happening. Abby was taking this pretty badly and so was Sam. The only reason Sebastian wasn’t more upset about this was because of how he’d already had his heart torn out and crushed earlier.

“Does he hate us?” Asked Abby. “Does he hate the school? Does he just want to erase all of us from his life and start over?”

“I don’t know.” Muttered Sam. “Maybe? What do we do?”

Sebastian stared down at the table. He felt so guilty. “Maybe he did it because I confessed to him…”

His friends were surprised. “You what?” Asked Abby. “You confessed? What did he say? When did you do it?”

Sebastian shrugged. “That day I went to surprise him… I talked to him and he pretty much turned me down… He told me about wanting to cut everyone off but I just… I saw he had some papers about new apartments and stuff, but I didn’t think he had a new place yet… He said he was going to wait till after he got his exam results to cut off all ties or something… I was kind of hoping we could talk to him then before we just… I had no idea.”

Abby put her head in her hands. She looked extremely depressed now. “What if we don’t see him? What if he like, just vanishes? Poof. Gone.”

Sam patted her shoulder. “Mr Berg still lives in Pelican town. He has to come by sometimes? Right?”

Abby shrugged. “Who knows Sam? Who knows how this guys mind works? He just… I have no idea… I wish Lucien would talk to us. It’s like he hates us now or something…”

“Oh shit!” Gasped Sam. “Can’t we like, request for our exam results to get posted to us? He might not even go to school to pick them up.”

Abby and Sebastian groaned in annoyance. They hadn’t thought of that. Lucien had successfully completely cut himself out of their life. It was kind of surreal to think about. He was just gone. 

Sebastian sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. He needed a cigarette. “Fuck it. I’m really moving to Zuzu now.”

Sam frowned a little. “Huh? You were joking before?”

“Huh? What? No. I just… As long as I had good wifi I was okay with staying in town, but like, Lucien’s planning on hiding in the city doing fuck knows what.” Said Sebastian. “If I live here I at least have a small chance of being able to find the idiot."

***

Lucien couldn’t say that he nailed the interview, but he had James on his side and was pretty much given one of the lowest of low jobs at a warehouse. He was basically just running from one end to the other moving boxes and shit like that. The pay was okay. It was enough for him to afford rent on his one room apartment and still have a little left over for some groceries. He was kind of thankful that James kept taking him out for dinner at this point. It was pretty much his only meal of the day.

He didn’t mind much though. This was what he wanted. His school life was over. He had to move on and accept that. It was fun while it lasted but he was happy to continue his life the way it was now.

His boss that day had given him the menial task of scanning boxes to double check they had enough inventory for something or another. Lucien wasn’t really what they boxed up in this place but money was money. He happily scanned the bar codes when he noticed some people in fancy suits walking by.

His boss had told him that once every few months the higher ups would come by just to make sure things were running smoothly. It was mostly just a big show to try and boost everyone’s moral. It made them think that someone was going to do something but they really didn’t unless it was going to get the sued, or cause a strike to happen.

Lucien was going to just shrug it off and go back to working, but he happened to see a red bow tie. Mother fucking Morris. Morris was here. What the fuck? Was he in charge of this place? That really pissed him off and kind of worried him. Did Morris have the power to fire him? He was still on probation at this point.

He attempted to pull his stupid blue cap down over his face to try and disguise himself. He had thought that maybe he had gotten away with it. After all Morris didn’t talk to him for a long, long time. 

That was until Lucien made it to the break room only to find Morris pulling a face over the watery coffee. “How can people drink this?” He muttered. “This really isn’t up to normal company standards… Oh, Lucien? You work here?”

Lucien smiled a little and nodded. “Yep. Just having my mandatory fifteen minute break.” He walked around him and grabbed a packet of cookies from the jar that was for everyone and ate it. He needed to make rice or something for his breakfast. Something filling.

“How long have you been working here?”

“I’m on probation… James organised it.” He added the last part on just to make sure that Morris would at least think twice about getting him fired or something.

Morris seemed to get the message and had a sour look on his face before it quickly turned into a smirk. “Well he must not like you very much if you’re working here. He could have given you a nice cushy job somewhere else.”

“He probably could.” Said Lucien calmly. “However he and I are both believers of starting at the bottom and working our way up. This is my first job so I’m more than happy to start here. If I’m good enough I’m pretty sure that James can streamline my promotions into something better.”

“Oh? And what do you have in mind? Where do you see yourself in ten years?”

Lucien shrugged. Let’s see… In ten years I’ll probably be the CEO. Five I’ll have James’s job, and in about two years… Your job. I think I’d be able to do whatever it is you do pretty well. Especially if it includes kissing ass to get to the top. I’m good with having sex with people that want to fuck me. If they want to promote me because of it then that’s there problem.”

Morris became flustered and angry. “Of course you would sleep to the top and act all high and mighty if someone else does something similar.”

Lucien rolled his eyes and got himself a coffee. “You do yoga Morris?”

“Yoga?”

“Yeah. What about BDSM? You into that?”

He rolled his eyes. “Getting tied up isn’t a big deal. I bet a child like you thinks that’s extreme.”

Now it was Lucien’s turn to roll his eyes. “Being tied up is vanilla to me now. I’m talking more interesting things. Hot wax, erotic asphyxiation, sounding, whips, studded paddles… and a few other things I’m a little embarrassed about… Unless you’re a person that’s good with that kind of stuff I would suggest that you don’t attempt to pursue James. He is kind but his kinks and fetishes can be quite painful and humiliating.”

Morris seemed a little uneasy hearing that, but shook his head. “Say whatever you like. You’re such a child.”

“Suit yourself.” Lucien quickly finished his coffee and threw away the little packet the cookies came in. “I’m going to go and pee, then get back to work.” He left Morris in the break room and quickly headed to the bathroom.

It was quiet in the bathroom for the most part. There was a leaky faucet in one of the sinks. It was a constant dripping that reminded him a lot like the ticking of a clock. It was kind of peaceful and kind of let his mind wander a little.

He kind of wondered when he was going to get his exam results. He had informed the school that he did move and if he didn’t get his results around the week he was meant to, he would visit his old building and ask the landlord about it. He was an alright man, and so was the old woman he lived with. He assumed it was his mum or something. At least an elderly relative.

He kind of wondered how his friends went. He hoped that Sam managed to get really good scores in music. He hoped that Abby got good scores in what she wanted. He hoped that Sebastian was going to be able to get scores that would impress his family. They all deserved it.

“...” That made him feel sad. He missed them, but he needed to keep away. He wasn’t a good person. He never was a good person. He’d tricked Sebastian into liking him enough to confess to him. That was depressing. He hated that he was able to do this kind of thing. What was worse, was that he really liked being around the trio. 

They were nice to him and made him feel happy, especially Sebastian. No one but him had made his heart race as much as Sebastian did. No one turned him down as much as Sebastian had for such moral reasons. He loved how much Sebastian knew about him and accepted him. It honestly made him so happy, albeit a little confused, but it also frightened him so much. It was best to just forget him.

He quickly finished up in the bathroom, washed his hands and went back to the floor. His boss told him to scan some other items in a different section of the warehouse. No big deal. Lucien walked to where he was meant to go and started scanning bar codes again.

Without even really thinking about it his mind kept going back to Sebastian. He really fought to stay in his life. It was depressing. He tried so hard, but there was nothing he could do. Lucien knew how fucked up the lives of those he cared about became. If he started caring for Sebastian anymore than he already did, then something bad would happen to him.

And that thought hurt like hell.

He had considered going back to Pelican town soon and talk to his friends again, but that would be too much for him. But that was okay. In maybe a year or two they wouldn’t even remember he existed. First they would forget what he sounded like, then what he looked like, they would forget small things about him, then the big things. Eventually he would just be a face with one or two memories attached to it. 

Being forgotten like that was fine. He wanted them to forget. He didn’t want any friends to begin with at the start of the year anyway. All he really wanted was to cruise through high school on his own and just forget about it when it was done. He shouldn’t have stayed sitting behind the shed when Abby, Sam, and Sebastian first approached him. He should have just left.

Maybe if he did things would have been different? Considering the dangerous life style he was living already it was probably inevitable that he would have found and become James’s main squeeze. Then if that happened he probably would have kept prostituting himself out at school too. Maybe if he did that and wasn’t friends with the trio he might have been giving Sam or Sebastian his services? That thought made him laugh a little. He doubted either of them were like that. They were decent people.

“Hey Lucien.” Barked the gruff voice of his boss.

Lucien jumped a little and almost dropped the bar code scanner in his hands. “Y-yeah boss?”

“It’s quitting time. Head home. You caught the bus here right? The bus gets here in about ten. Clock out.”

“Oh, right.” He looked at the scanner and clipboard in his hands. “Ah…”

“I’ll take care of that today.” He took the items out of Lucien’s hands and gestured for him to leave. “Rack off kid. Next bus comes by in forty five minutes if you miss this one. You don’t wanna stay out there waiting in the cold.”

“Yes sir. Thanks.” Lucien quickly clocked out and raced to the bus stop. Thankfully he made it just in time and happily sank into one of the subtly cushioned plastic seats. Once settled he checked his phone and was happy to see James was asking if he wanted to dine somewhere with him tonight or if he wanted takeaway to celebrate his new employment. Of course Lucien said yes to the food and they quickly made plans to meet up.

This was good. This was okay. This was Lucien’s new routine. Lucien woke up in the morning, went to work, had dinner with James, had sex with James, showered, slept, and repeat. That was a good routine. It was simple and easy to follow. He liked it. It made him happy. 

Maybe. 

Yes, it made him happy.

Right?

Because if it didn’t make him happy then what was he doing?

***

A few days later Lucien got his exam results back. As expected he was average at everything. No major highs and no major lows. It was a nice thing for him to read while he ate his breakfast of brown rice with a squirt of tomato sauce. Sure it wasn’t the best thing in the world, but he was saving that butter for when he got some bread.

Feeling happy with his results he scanned the documents and sent a copy off to his dad in an email. He typed up a little message about how these were his final exam results and how he was grateful for the man’s financial support through the years. He doubted that he would receive an answer for his troubles, but he felt like he had an obligation to let that man know what he was doing with his life.

After that he quickly got dressed and ready for work. Once again it was really cold outside, but at least his tiny little flat was next to public transport. He rubbed his hands together to get some warmth back in them as he waited for the bus to arrive. Fall was interesting in the city. A billion dead leaves would fly around the street even if there was no tree in sight. It was weird.

He wondered how fall was going to look in Pelican town. Lots of orange obviously. He would love to see the forest during this time of year, but he pretty much only got Sunday’s off and he needed to use those days for his therapy sessions. Hopefully his probation would end soon and he could make plans to go to Pelican town for Winter Star.

He did promise his grandpa that he would spend the holiday with him. He really wanted to see what it would be like to do that with his grandpa. He kind of skipped Winter Star last year anyway. He didn’t even know it was the holiday until some specials played on TV.

Maybe his grandpa was big on presents? Might be doubtful since he was living alone for so long. Maybe he had a Christmas breakfast or lunch with some of the older residents of Pelican town that didn’t seem to have younger relatives close by. That seemed like something his grandpa would do.

He also doubted he would see anyone else in Pelican town if he went for the holiday. Which was good. He actually didn’t know if his friends would even be there for the holidays. They might be seeing relatives off somewhere else.

That thought made him kind of sad. He could just imagine Abby being surrounded by a bunch of other crazy haired cousins. He could see Sam hanging out with relatives that look like they are from all different genres of music. He could even imagine Sebastian being in family setting being the cool cousin the younger ones looked up to. It kind of made him wish he had cousins and a big family.

But that would just mean he’d end up hurting more people. He was just happy enough to exist. Existing was good enough. He still couldn’t see his future past a day on a normal day. The Winter star thing was an exception.

When the bus pulled up Lucien got on and happily sat by a window. He didn’t have time to think about the friends he cut out of his life. He had a job to do. A menial, mind numbing, boring, but decently paid job. This was okay. This was fine. This was his life now.

As he thought those words over in his head like a mantra, he happened to spy something out of the corner of his eye when the bus stopped at some lights. For a moment he paid no mind to it since he kind of just assumed that it would just be another image of his aunt glaring at him and judging. However he couldn’t help but look anyway. Much to his surprise he saw a raven haired man in a dark hoodie staring at his phone intensely as he waited for the lights to change so he could cross the street.

That sent Lucien’s heart racing like mad. Was that really Sebastian standing there or was it just a figment of his imagination? He thought he just saw his aunt. When did he start seeing other people? This was a new development. What did this mean? Was he becoming more insane? He had no idea.

Then there was the other possibility that Sebastian actually was here. But if that was the case why was he here? Was he tracking him? Impossible. He had no idea how Sebastian would find him anyway. It must have just been a mistake. It probably wasn’t Sebastian. It was just someone that looked similar to him. That was all. He wasn’t going mad. He wasn’t. He really wasn’t… Okay maybe he was but he needed to take a deep breath and let it go. He’d worry about it later. He’d just go to work and forget about everything.


	52. Cold comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIGHT! 5th time trying to upload this. Let's see if it works! Kudos and comment if you can. Enjoy :D

“And yeah… So I think I’m losing my mind even more than usual.” Muttered Lucien. Today was Sunday and he was in the Dr Eurwyn’s office. He’d just finished telling the man about how he thought he saw Sebastian when he shouldn’t have and how he needed to up his medication.

The doctor just nodded slowly. He was taking in everything that Lucien was saying. “Could you maybe have just mistaken some random person for your friend?”

“I mean, I guess, but like… I don’t know…”

“Well, let’s talk about your sleep cycle for a moment.” Said the doctor as he scribbled something down on a piece of paper. “You mentioned that you’ve gotten a job now? Do you have to get up early for it?”

Lucien nodded. “Yeah. It’s kind of a nine to five full time factory job nothing crazy… But I am staying up pretty late… Going to bed at like three in the morning?”

“... And when do you get up for work?”

“... Seven.”

“So, on average you’re getting four hours of sleep a day.”

“... Yes.”

The doctor sighed a little. “Lucien, sleep deprivation can cause hallucinations. I strongly recommend that you sleep between seven and nine hours. Because of your mental condition I am not going to say it will stop you from experiencing hallucinations, but it will definitely help. There’s also a slu of other health issues that you will experience from only sleeping four hours a night. You say you work at a factory? Lots of heavy machinery?”

Lucien nodded slowly. “Yeah. Forklifts, machines boxing things… A temperamental coffee machine.”

The older man nodded a little. “I see… Lucien, you really need to get some sleep especially with the equipment you work with. It’s dangerous for both you and your coworkers.”

“... I guess.”

“There are also a lot of other health risks, but I will let you look into those on your own if you like. But sleep will really help you out.”

“... Okay. I’ll start going to sleep earlier.”

“I can recommend some apps for white noise and other kinds of sounds to help you sleep if you like?”

“I think I’m good.”

“Okay.” Doctor Eurwyn scribbled some more things written down on some paper. “We still have some time. Is there anything else you would like to talk about Lucien?”

He shook his head and stood up from his chair. “No thanks. I’m good. Thank you.”

The doctor smiled a little at him. “Okay. I’m really glad you’ve decided to come in and get some help for yourself.”

Lucien forced a smile and nodded. “Yeah. See you next week doc.” He left the building feeling kind of angry. Sure he was seeing doctor Eurwyn, but that wasn’t because he wanted to. It was solely because he had been informed that it would be in his best interest to see one after he almost killed those assholes.

He quickly headed back to his flat and decided to take a quick nap to see if that would fix his hallucination problems. Probably not but he would try. He didn’t have anything to lose.

***

Sebastian was pissed at himself. Once again he had done a dumb thing without really thinking. What the hell was his plan anyway? Going to Zuzu to check out all the possible places Lucien could have rented was stupid. So fucking stupid. Firstly, at least three of the places were far flung across the city. Secondly, what the fuck was he going to say to Lucien when he found him? He couldn’t just go up and spout some bullshit and make Lucien do something. Thirdly there was always the chance Lucien moved in with James.

Just thinking of that man made Sebastian’s blood boil. That man was just ruining Lucien. He didn’t care how he spun it. He should have told the old bastard he was sleeping with a minor. That would have, or at least should have, made the creep back off. If he had any kind of morality that is. There was a chance that James was a perverted bastard that didn’t give a fuck about Lucien’s age.

Another thought crossed his mind, what if Lucien was with James right now? What kind of things was that bastard making Lucien do? He didn’t want to think about it, but his mind immediately dived into exploitation, snuff film territory. Lucien was a young man that had isolated himself from the rest of the world and was living with someone who, Lucien had admitted, was into hardcore BDSM. If he was some sadistic psychopath he could only imagine some of the horrible things he could do to him.

He had to find him.

However, Sebastian had stayed in Zuzu city for two days already trying to cover as much ground as he could to find him, but he was getting nowhere. He knew that no matter what he did Lucien was probably gone for good, and he had to accept it. But he didn’t want to. He wanted so desperately to see Lucien again.

Sebastian sighed as he walked down a cracked sidewalk and lit up another cigarette. He had been burning through them like no one’s business. He had to admit he did feel a little better every time he had one.

Suddenly his phone went off. He answered it without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?”

“Hello Sebby.” It was Robin. Of course she called him. “I know you said you’d be away for a few days but we would really like you to come back home soon. You are coming home soon, right?”

“Yeah. Going to get on a bus back to town soon.” Muttered Sebastian. “I… I didn’t find what I was looking for.” He had lied to her and made up a story about ordering some computer parts that he could only pick up in shop but things got delayed. He hoped he could have stretched it out for at least three days, but he really didn’t have the money to do so.

“Well, I hope you got your money back.” She said. “We’re having pumpkin soup for dinner tonight. Your favourite.”

He chuckled a little. “Okay mum. Now I definitely have to get home for that. See you soon mum.”

“Okay Sebby. See you soon. Love you.”

“Love you too mum.” He hung up his phone and stopped walking. This was the last place on his list. Some old building with some doorbell buzzer thing where the people inside had to buzz you in to let you up or some rubbish. At least this meant he could at least see the names of the people living in the building next to their button. Much to his dismay Lucien’s name didn’t appear on it once.

Dejected, Sebastian turned and left. There really was nothing much else he could do. The last thing he could think of was maybe hire a private investigator to find Lucien, but that cost money. Money he didn’t have. He’d just have to hope that Lucien would someday appear in front of him again. Though he really doubted that would happen. 

If he ever went back to Pelican town he would probably do everything in his power to avoid him and his friends like the page. He’d only go to visit his grandpa. That’s when a chilling thought hit him, Mr Berg wasn’t getting any younger. He was pretty damn old. He could probably die tomorrow and then Lucien would never come back. He’d have no ties to Pelican town anymore and he rally would be gone forever.

Sebastian needed to hurry up and figure out a way to live in Zuzu so he could keep looking for him.

***

About ten minutes after Sebastian had left Lucien walked up to the apartment building and went inside. He knew he should hurry up and put his name down on that little plaque, but no one would be coming to see him anyway. Maybe a pizza guy, but that was about it.

He walked into his apartment and unceremoniously flopped onto his bed. It creaked a little and he swore he heard something crawling in the walls, but he didn’t mind. He was going to do what the doctor ordered and sleep.

But the sound in the walls kept getting louder and louder. Rats or something. It had to be. It was cold so they had to huddle in the walls for warmth. Even rodents had someone else to sleep with. It was kind of a depressing thought for him. He wished that when he came home he could sleep next to someone. Sure there was the time when he slept next to James, but that was after they had sex. He just wanted to sleep next to someone who would hold him and love him the way he wanted to.

He curled up on himself, but cringed. Lucien was sore all over still. With a heavy sigh he sat up and slowly peeled off his clothes. With each layer he pulled off it was easier for him to see the dozens of bruises and abrasions on his body.

Looking down at his chest he could see dozens of bruises, bitemarks, and rope burns. He ran his thumb along one of the rope burns that ran over his hip bone. It still stung a little but that was okay. James just tied him a little too tightly that night. But he helped him clean up after and even helped him bathe. It felt good to be pampered and treated so nicely, but he felt like James was over doing it a little. Just because his leg went completely numb didn’t mean he had to be that nice to him.

Lucien smiled a little to himself as he sat on the bed and slowly ran his hands down his leg, paying special attention to the rope burns around his knees and ankles. The hair on his legs was very light and fine. It almost didn’t look like he had hair on his leg as all. Kind of feminine. 

At least that’s what he felt in his mind. He knew he’d always had a feminine figure. That was one of the reason he felt he was able to pull so many men towards him. They wanted something weaker than them that they could dominate. If he was a girl he would have probably pulled even more men to him.

“...” He vaguely wondered if James would ask if he would dress up in a skirt or dress, or maybe some makeup at some point. Hopefully James would have some idea about what makeup he could need to get. He touched his face and felt some stubble growing. Should he shave? He didn’t really like the thought of growing facial hair.

Lucien sighed a little and shook his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts. It wasn’t that he was transgender or anything or even had any hints of dysphoria. He just happened to let his mind wander down those paths sometimes just to mentally punish himself for not being born a girl and dreaming of the life he could have had.

He heard a thump by the doorway and happened to look over to see his aunt just laying there. She was staring at him with her cold, dead eyes. She was judging him. She hated him. 

Lucien just smiled softly at her. “I’m sorry auntie. I’m not a very good human being, am I?”

“You’re a wreck.” She muttered.

“I know. Sorry.”

“Why are you like this? Daddy issues?” She hissed. “Pissed that your father abandoned you so you’re being a little slut?”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” Lucien smiled at her and pulled his legs up to his chest. “I am really crazy aren’t I? I keep seeing you around even though you’re dead… Do you think my grandpa would hate me if he could see me? Do you think anyone could love me the way I am?”

“...” His aunt slowly crawled across the floor towards him. “Lucien… Do you really need to ask that question? You already know the answer.”

“... Yeah.” Lucien lied down on his bed and quietly listened to his aunt drag herself across the floor towards him. Eventually the sound stopped and he felt the mattress dip beside him. He looked over at her and smiled sadly at her. His mind was in ruins and she had been nothing but a source of distress to him, but he was lonely. “Can you hold me while I sleep?”

His aunt seemed a little confused. “Really?”

“I have nothing anymore.” He said quietly. “I’m all alone these days. I practically live for the soul purpose of James to call me for sex. Everything else is filler for me… It’s going to be like that till I die.”

He felt his aunt’s cold, dead hands lovingly caress his face as she stared down at him with indifferent eyes. “You’ve really entered a horrific state of apathy. You know that, right? Even I know you should get a hobby and not rely on hallucinations for company.”

“Yeah… I’m going to sleep now.”

“Okay.” She hummed a little and ran her fingers through his hair. “Go to sleep.”

Lucien hummed a little and closed his eyes. He kind of wished that his hallucinations allowed him to see Sebastian again. It would have been nice to be with someone that he mainly had happy memories of. Instead it was his aunt, but that didn’t really matter that much to him at the moment. He wanted someone to hold him and be with him. He wanted something he would never get. But that was okay, he didn’t deserve this.


	53. Winterfest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now for more drama. Kudos and comment. Enjoy :D

Winter snap froze the valley the day fall ended. Sebastian was completely miserable at this point. He had tried to hard to look for Lucien but he was gone. He still didn’t want to accept it. He really liked Lucien and leaving it all on such miserable terms was just too much for him. He couldn’t really afford to go back to Zuzu city for a while since he had no money. 

Robin could understand that her son was depressed, but Demetrius couldn’t. It lead to a lot of angry yelling and Sebastian slamming the door to his room. They all hated this and it was just awful for everyone.

But Sam and Abby, bless their souls, had come in and actually surprised Sebastian with an early birthday present. Sebastian was laying face down on his bed when Abby body slammed him, almost snapping his back in two while Sam shoved concert tickets in his face.

Apparently they had scored some concert tickets to a winter music festival in Zuzu city. Abby and Sam had already booked a hotel room and were so excited about going. It made Sebastian a little excited too. It had been a long time since they had done that, and this time they could go without a parent insisting that they went along with them.

Sebastian pinned his ticket to his wall above his bed. Winterfest was printed in huge colour shift letters across it. It was only a few days away and for the first time in a long time he felt really happy. He had something to look forward to. At least for a little while.

***

“Winterfest?” Asked Lucien as he held the ticket above his head. After an evening of surprisingly vanilla sex for the two of them, James handed over a ticket to a music festival. 

“Yeah.” James took out a cigarette and happily puffed away. “I got it from a friend who got it from a client. She didn’t want it. I don’t want it. I figured someone young like yourself would prefer it. I think our music tastes are very different anyway. Country blues, jazz, and the occasional early rock and roll band are my bread and butter.”

“Huh… Thanks.” He checked the ticket. “Oh, I can go to this one. The next day is my day off.”

“Ah, that’s pretty good.” James smiled and ran his fingers through Lucien’s sweat dampened hair. “You’re not too sore or anything at the moment are you?”

“We just did ropes and blindfolds tonight James. That kind of stuff is vanilla to me now.” Sadly that was true. He didn’t know that if he was going to be able to have normal sex with anyone anymore after James. He would probably have difficulty getting hard anymore without a lot of effort.

“I know. I was just checking Lucien.” He puffed his cigarette a few more times before sticking it in the ashtray and standing up. “Want something to eat? I can get you toast or some of those pork dumplings from last night.”

“Dumplings thanks.” Lucien watched James leave the room before he turned his attention back to the ticket. He honestly had never thought that he would ever go to a concert or anything like that. His financial situation never really allowed him to go to one. He was kind of excited that he was able to go to one. It made him feel kind of good to do something that most people would have considered rather mundane and normal.

***

On the day of the festival the three friends piled into their hotel room. It wasn’t a completely run down roach motel, but it wasn’t super awesome, but Sebastian like it. Abby jumped on the bed and made a very happy sound while Sam claimed the couch.

“This is awesome!” Said Abby. “Night out in the city with the boys. Hell yeah.” She spread out like a starfish on the bed and grinned. “Hell yeah. My bed now.”

Sam rolled his eyes and sat up on the couch. “Seriously Abby? You’re taking the double bed for yourself?” The room that they had gotten was a room with one double bed and one single bed. They had already decided that Abby would get the single while Sam and Sebastian would share the double.

“Yep. Double bed is mine now you hoes.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and pushed her off onto the floor, quickly taking her place as the bed starfish. “My bed now.”

Abby huffed and poked his face. “Asshole.”

“Hey, it’s my present, right?”

“True…” She poked his face some more. “You’re still a butthole.”

He slapped her hand away. “You really want to sleep in the same bed as me or Sam after a night of partying and being all sweaty and crap?”

“Point taken.” She sat on the single bed and sighed. “So… We gonna load up on a bunch of extremely cheap food so we don’t get gouged for money at the place?”

“Oh fuck yeah.” Said Sam. “No way we’re letting them ream us for food.” He took out his phone and quickly sent maps he had made to Abby and Sebastian. “Alright, this is our big game plan for the night. Now might I direct your attention to all the places I coloured yellow.” 

For the next hour the trio was going over Sam’s map and their game plan for the night. They went over places to meet up, what to do about their drinks, party drugs, and everything in between. They felt like they had a solid game plan going to have one hell of an evening.

***

Lucien wasn’t really sure if he really liked this Winterfest thing. It was very loud and there were so many people. Then again what did he expect? It was a music festival. So he just stuck to the back of the group and just listened to the music playing. It was very loud and had a lot of base.

He leaned against a wall and stuffed his hands in his pockets. It was pretty cold out and he kind of wanted to just go home. But he was here now. He might as well have some fun. He didn’t really know what to do. He looked around and pretty much just saw people dancing and drinking. There were a couple of people that kind of looked like they might be high or getting high.

Lucien obviously didn’t feel like getting smashed of getting high off his tits. He was pretty sure if he did take some drugs he would end up killing himself with an overdose, or because his current meds would interfere with the party drugs. That would be one hell of a way to go.

He bought himself a bottle of water and continued to watch everyone dancing to the music. Should he dance too? Someone was selling glow sticks and lots of people were already decked out in them. He actually saw some girl wearing some crazy looking crown made of several. He wanted to get one. He could keep it as a souvenir or something since he couldn’t really afford one.

He ended up getting a simple blue one. He liked it. He felt kind of dumb getting happy and excited over the simpelest things. But that was fine. He didn’t really mind. He took happiness where he could get it. Taking this small bit of pleasure did make him feel a little less guilty than when he went and did large things for himself.

Lucien happily spun the glow stick around his wrist. It was good. He walked around the place a little more and did his best to avoid the bigger crowds when he could. But inevitably he did get sucked into a few crowds and eventually a mosh pit of some sort. He wasn’t sure how to get out of it when people kept bumping into him.

It was fine for the most part as he tried to navigate out, but someone elbowed him in the side right into his bruises. He gasped sharply in pain and pulled himself out of there a little more aggressively than before. He tried not to run into people, but he knew he did anyway. He did try to apologise as he went but he doubted anyone heard him over the music playing.

He crouched down by a wall and sighed heavily. His ribs hurt, everything was loud, and there were so many people. This was what young people did for fun? Right? Normal young people did this and had fun. He was having fun, right? … He wasn’t having fun.

“... Lucien?”

Lucien looked up and was surprised to be staring at Sebastian. It made him both happy and depressed at the same time. Happy because it was Sebastian and he hadn’t seen him in a long time, but sad because his mind was just playing another trick on him. Sebastian wouldn’t be here for him. There was no way that he would be, but while he was here he might as well indulge himself.

“Sebastian? It’s been a while, huh?”

“Yeah. What are you doing here?”

Lucien shrugged. “Just doing what young people do, you know? You?”

“Same.”

They stared at each other for a moment before Lucien stood up and smiled at him. “I um, I’m not that into what’s going on here… Would you like to come back home with me?”

Sebastian looked surprised. “You want to leave here? With me? Now?”

“Yeah. Come back to my place with me. I want to be with you.” It would be nice to spend the night with this manifestation rather than his aunt. “I miss you.”

Sebastian seemed conflicted, but in the end he smiled and nodded. “Okay. Let’s go.”

***

Lucien quite enjoyed the bus ride back to his flat. Sebastian stayed next to him the whole time and it just felt good. He loved the warmth that radiated from his body. It felt so nice. It wasn’t cold like it usually was when his aunt touched him. He watched Sebastian text and make phone calls on the bus. He didn’t mind that much. It just made the hallucination all the more immersive. The realism was nice.

When they got to his stop, Lucien happily walked to his place with Sebastian and chuckled when he saw Sebastian’s facial expression. “What? I know it isn’t as pretty as my old place, but I like it.”

“I came here a few days ago… You moved in here?” 

“Yeah?” He smiled at him and pulled him inside. “It’s not the nicest place, but it is okay. I’m sure you’ll find it okay.”

“... Okay.” Once they were inside Lucien wrapped his arms around Sebastian and buried his face into his neck. He could feel the heat of a blush quickly spreading across his neck and down his face. “L-Lucien?”

“I missed you. I want you.” That wasn’t a lie either. He wanted Sebastian to be with him right now. He wanted that warmth, he wanted happiness. Sebastian provided some of that when they were together in the flesh, but this was a good close second. He also wanted to see if his mind would allow him to imagine something nice for once or if it would just default back to what he knew. “You said you liked me before. Don’t you like me too?”

Sebastian nervously bit his bottom lip. “Well…”

“Why else did you come with me?” He asked. “Don’t you want to see this through to the end? Kiss me?”

“...” Sebastian was hesitant, but still he leaned forward and kissed him. It was soft and sweet. It was different to the past where he had kissed him. It felt good. It was the kind of kiss he wanted from someone. It wasn’t lustful and full of desperate passion like most kisses. It didn’t feel like he was getting devoured like some beast’s prey. It was nice. He did taste like tobacco and alcohol, but he was fine with it. He kind of liked it. He was used to it.

He pulled back a little and played with the string on Sebastian’s hoodie. “Come with me. I want to show you my room.”

***

What the hell was Sebastian doing? He finally found Lucien. He had no idea he would have been there and he was just… and then he just… He couldn’t explain it. He was just so happy to see him again and wanted to be with him. He jumped at the opportunity to be with him again. Sebastian just went with the flow. 

He had no idea what Lucien was up to anymore. Was he still seeing James? He sure hoped not. Was he doing alright? He wanted to talk to Lucien first before anything happened, but Lucien being so close to him, and smiling, and asking for him. He just… Sebastian was weak.

He was only human and was still pining for the other man. He hardly put up a fight when Lucien took him into his room. It was smaller than in the other place. It pretty much just had room for a bed and a small wardrobe. Lucien climbed onto the bed and pulled Sebastian along with him. 

He smiled softly at Sebastian, suddenly becoming shy. “Will you still like me when you see me?”

“Of course I’ll still like you Lucien… You don’t have to hide yourself from me.”

“...” Lucien nodded a little and slowly took off his jumper and shirt. For the first time Sebastian saw the extent of the damage that had been caused to Lucien’s body. Deep red rope burns covered his arms and chest. Large bruise patches in different stages of healing completely covered the rest of his body. There also seemed to be a few small scars, but they didn’t seem like they were caused by a knife, but he couldn’t say for sure. “... It’s disgusting, right?”

“What? No, no, no…” Sebastian was trying hard to reassure him, but he probably knew he wasn’t doing a very good job.

Lucien laughed a little. But it was a sad laugh. Not a happy one. “I’m sorry… You don’t have to try for me. I know I’m horrible looking.”

“...” Sebastian gently cupped his face and kissed him softly again. Lucien went ridged for a moment but quickly melted into the kiss. “You aren’t horrible. I swear… You’re perfect. You’re amazing.”

“... You really think so?”

“Yeah.” Sebastian gently rubbed his thumb over one of the rope burn marks on his arm. Lucien did flinch a little and Sebastian gently kissed his jaw as an apology. “You’re perfect Lucien… Do you feel just as bad as you try to make yourself look?”

“... Yeah.” Lucien had a shameful look on his face. “Do you still want me? Even when I look like this?”

“Yes.” He kissed Lucien again. “I want you… But do you want me?”

“... Huh?”

“Do you want me?” Asked Sebastian calmly as he put his hands on Lucien’s. “I want you so much but I’m not going to take you if you don’t want me too.”

Lucien seemed to think about this for a moment. “... I want you to want me. I want people to want me.”

“... Then if that’s the case wouldn’t anyone do?”

“I guess… But if I had a choice of being with anyone, I’d want to be with you. You’ve always been nice to me…” He started to tear up a little. “I’d like to be with someone who would be kind with me the whole time and not just after… Even if I don’t deserve it.” He sniffled and tried very hard not to cry. “But sex isn’t meant for that kind of pleasure, is it?”

“No Lucien… No, no…” He held Lucien close and did his best not to squeeze him tightly and hurt him even more. “It’s not meant to be that… It’s not. Really… It’s meant to be good for both people. Both people are meant to feel good. I promise… You’ve just had bad experiences. I swear.” He gently ran his thumb over Lucien’s back, cringing internally when he felt the obvious bumps of his spine. “... Have you been eating right?”

“I eat when I’m hungry… My medication makes me less hungry.”

“You should eat more. Does James know you’re not eating right?”

“He sees me naked all the time.” Said Lucien quietly. “I guess, he either hasn’t noticed or just doesn’t care… It doesn’t matter. It’s not that big a deal anyway.”

“...” Sebastian lightly peppered kisses along his jaw and neck. “Don’t do that… Eat properly. I want to keep seeing you. Please do that, for me?”

“Only if you promise to keep seeing me.” Muttered Lucien quietly.

He smiled a little. “Of course I want to keep seeing you. I never wanted to stop. You were the one who kept me away…”

“Because I wanted you to have a better life.” Lucien hummed a little and ran his fingers through Sebastian’s hair, brushing his fringe out of his face. “No point trying to chase after something that was, is, you know… Look at me. I can’t have normal sex with someone anymore, can I? I’m too used to the pain that comes before it.”

Sebastian’s heart started to hammer in his chest as his hands slowly moved down his sides and rested on his hips. “Do you want to have sex? Is that why I am here?”

“...” Lucien smiled sadly and moved away from Sebastian. “I’m sorry… I should know by now decent people don’t want anything I have to offer.”

“... I didn’t say no.” Muttered Sebastian quietly. “I just… I haven’t had sex before… Okay, I have watched porn so I have a very, very basic idea of what needs to happen but like… I want it to be good for you, and not painful…”

“... It’s okay Sebastian. I honestly don’t think I’ll be able to tell the difference anyway.” He inched a little closer to him. “Will you please try and make me feel good during sex?”

Sebastian audibly gulped. Lucien was just there, offering himself up to him. He looked so desperate and needy, but Sebastian knew this wasn’t a good idea. Deep down this wasn’t something he should do, but his horny teenage self was telling him this was a good idea. 

“Sebastian?”

“... Yes.”


	54. The next day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. No smut, sorry. But this story doesn't focus around smut and since it's not important I have omitted it from the story. Use your imagination for those parts guys, gals, and you other ethereal beings. Anyway, kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien slowly opened his eyes the next day. His body felt heavy, but he didn’t mind. His hallucinations from last night had been nice. He hoped that if he ever really did have sex with Sebastian he could be nice as what he imagined. He attempted to sit up, but couldn’t. There was something heavy draped across his chest.

A chill ran down Lucien’s spine and he slowly looked over at whose arm was holding him down. The arm belonged to Sebastian. Sebastian. He was here. It wasn’t a hallucination? How the hell was that even possible? Sebastian wasn’t meant to be here. He was just… He was real?

He gulped and gently touched Sebastian’s face. Sebastian mermered a little and pulled Lucien closer. Yes. This was real. All those kind words and soft touches. It didn’t hurt the way every other experience had been. It was so amazing it was almost scary. To think that someone would treat him like that.

Suddenly his heart dropped. Was this technically assault? He didn’t think it was actually happening but it was real so didn’t he actually assault Sebastian? Didn’t this mean he was just like his aunt? Just some crazy, insane, weirdo that just fucked people. If his work life at Joja failed at least he could make it as a prostitute.

He felt Sebastian press his lips into the side of his head and mumbled a little. “Morning… Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah… I’m fine.” Lucien wasn’t fine. He was convinced that he had gone and sexually assaulted Sebastian. He was his aunts nephew.

“Hmmm…” Sebastian hummed sleepily and hugged Lucien a little tighter. “You sure?”

“Y-yeah.” He felt sick. “...”

Sebastian shifted a little and slowly sat up. “... Hey Lucien, where’s your bathroom?”

“Down the hall. It’s the room with the washer and dryer in it… I only have one towel if you want to shower.”

“That’s fine. I was just going to use the bathroom.” He kissed Lucien’s cheek and left the bedroom.

Once he was alone, Lucien couldn’t help but think about how horrible he was. He took advantage of Sebastian. He was awful. He felt sick. With a small sigh Lucien slowly got up and started to get dressed. He was a little sore, but not as sore as had been before. Despite Sebastian’s lack of experience he still didn’t hurt hurt him and when he did, he apologised when he did. As far as he could tell Sebastian hadn’t left any markings on him.

He blushed at the thought and continued to get dressed. Once he was done he moved to the kitchen and poured both him and Sebastian some cereal for breakfast. He didn’t really have too much else in the way of breakfast foods.

Sebastian walked out about a minute later. He took his bowl from the table and poured in his own milk. They ate in silence for a few moments before Sebastian cleared his throat and spoke up.

“So um… I probably should have asked this first before we jumped into bed but um… How are you doing? You just vanished for a while and we really had no idea where you were.”

“I’m doing fine. I work in a warehouse for Joja. I just do a lot of stock take and move boxes from one end of the place to the other. That’s pretty much the end of it.”

“... Are you still seeing James?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah…”

“Have you only been seeing James?”

“Yeah…”

“And he’s the one that’s been doing that to your body?”

“...”

“Lucien?”

“Yeah.”

Sebastian seemed a little frustrated, but instead he just sighed. “... Do you like what you’re doing with him?”

“I… I don’t really know anymore.” Lucien sighed sadly. “I like being with him because he makes me happy. How is stuff in Pelican Town?”

“It’s fine… But are you doing okay?”

Lucien shrugged. “Things are fine… I can afford rent here on my own without any help. I can afford food. The company pays for my uniform, and that includes shoes. Possibly the most expensive part of it… I’m also seeing a therapist. I’m seeing them this afternoon too.”

“Ah, that’s good.”

“Yeah…”

“...”

“... So why were you there yesterday?”

“Early birthday present from Sam and Abby.” Said Sebastian. He sighed a little and took out a pack of cigarettes and was about to light one. “... Can I smoke in here?”

“Balcony.”

“Thanks.” Sebastian walked outside and started smoking.

Lucien was a little confused. He didn’t know when Sebastian started smoking but that really wasn’t his place to question it. He didn’t control Sebastian’s life. Lucien finished eating and put the empty bowls in the sink. He then walked over to the balcony. It was small enough to fit one person and a small clothes line.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“... I have to leave soon. I can help you get to wherever you need to go if you like?”

“That would be good… Hey Lucien?”

“Yeah?”

“Was this a one night stand?”

“... I don’t know.” He really didn’t know at all. This was something strange to him. It was awkward. But maybe this was a good thing? Sebastian had gotten what he wanted. His body. Now Sebastian might leave him alone. 

“Can I see you again?”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Sebastian put out his cigarette and approached him. He smelt like smoke. He gently cupped Lucien’s face in his hands and gently ran his thumb across his cheek. “I still want to see you… Fuck even if you tell me I have to pay to see you I would. I care about you too much.”

Lucien blinked in surprise. He really didn’t expect Sebastian to say that. Lingering feelings of puppy love or something like that. “I um… Er…”

“... Too strong?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m sorry. I never really know what to say.” Sebastian sighed a little and leaned in close to quickly plant a small kiss on his forehead. “... I wanted last night to mean something to you too… It meant something to me.”

“... I’m sorry.” Lucien knew he really couldn’t have this kind of relationship with anyone. “I really can’t be with you like that… With anyone like that. The only reason I’m still with James is because we have been together for so long it’s become routine for me. I don’t like breaking routine unless I have to.”

Sebastian said nothing and the two of them left the flat. He only spoke to tell Lucien where he needed to be. Lucien didn’t mind. That’s just how things were. Plus it was easy enough for him to drop Sebastian off at his hotel on the bus ride to the doctor’s office. He waved goodbye and watched Sebastian watch him as the bus pulled away.

***

Sebastian sighed to himself as he watched the bus go. He loved every second he had spent with Lucien. He was loving, sweet, and had helped him out when he wasn’t too sure what he needed to do. It felt perfect to him, but apparently it wasn’t perfect for Lucien.

He had thought that maybe Lucien was tired of the BDSM lifestyle he and James had been doing. He actually kind of hoped that maybe he was a kind of rebound for Lucien and he would show him the way he should be treated. The loving way he would treat him because Lucien deserved the best. But he still turned him away. At least now Sebastian knew where Lucien lived.

He walked back to his hotel and into his room. Sam and Abby were on the bed eating a ridiculous amount of cheese and bacon rolls. He had no idea where they got it from, but Sebastian didn’t care. He grabbed one and sat on the edge of the bed and sighed.

Abby nudged his shoulder. “Hey, how did it go? You messaged Sam and told him you found Lucien?”

“Yeah…”

“Well, how was he?”

Sebastian frowned a little. “I don’t know… He seemed okay. I thought he was okay. Maybe slightly drunk? Maybe… But I think I kind of messed up somehow.”

Sam tilted his head like a confused puppy. “How?”

“... We kissed, and um, we had sex.” They didn’t need to know all the details. His two friends gasped in shock. He was pretty sure he was going to get chewed out by them. “I know this is bad. But like, I thought it was a good idea at the time and yeah I know not good but still… It’s not like either of us said no…”

“Was he drunk?” Asked Abby. She sounded very concerned. “Was he high? Sam accidentally got a sticker on his hand and was on acid for like half an hour.”

“No he wasn’t he… Wait? Sam you were on LSD?”

Sam shrugged. “I was confused as fuck and just really excited and just like… really in awe about stuff.”

Sebastian blinked slowly. He kind of wished that he had stuck around to see Sam on LSD. “Huh… Alright.”

Abby poked Sebastian. “Okay, now let’s get back to the matter at hand. What happened this morning? After all the fucking stuff.”

He shrugged. “He seemed kind of out of it. He was really quiet for a bit… But we talked… He’s working at a warehouse now. Living on his own… I kind of thought that like… I came on too strong again. But I just… I was kind of hoping that he left his fucking sugar daddy and- oops.”

“He has a sugar daddy?” Asked Abby on shock. “What the hell? How long has this been a thing?”

Sebastian really shouldn’t have said that. “Um… Kind of around the tail end of high school. I think it was around the time he was blowing guys at school.” His friends looked horrified and kind of disgusted. Sebastian didn’t really know how to defuse the situation. “Yeah, I know. But there isn’t really much we could do about it, or really can do about it now…”

Abby was fuming again. “Did he really just? What the hell? … Was this the guy he was all blushing and giggly about that one time?”

“... Yeah.”

Sam sighed loudly. “Fucking hell Seb, do you like just know everything that’s fucked up with him? And you still fucked him? I knew that you liked him but shit. Man, you should have just watched me waving glow sticks around for ages.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Look, what’s done is done… But like, I really hoped that he would realize that I would treat him right but… I sound so fucking stupid, don’t I?”

Abby sighed and patted his back. “Yeah… You are kind of stupid. Did you get his number at least? Or like has he unblocked you?”

“... Fuck.”

“Smooth move Romeo.” She sighed a little and stretched. “Come on. We gonna finish packing. We have to leave soon.”

Sebastian nodded a little and made sure that he had all his stuff. Hopefully he would be able to visit Lucien a lot more. It didn’t seem like things ended badly. They seemed like they were okay with everything at the moment, but he really didn’t have any idea of knowing. Lucien was way too good at hiding his emotions.

***

“I fucked up.” They were the first words out of Lucien’s mouth to Doctor Eurwyn.

The Doctor just blinked very slowly at him and picked up his notebook. “Can you elaborate a little more?”

“I had sex.” Said Lucien quietly. “I had sex with a very close friend. Well, someone I cut out of my life and stuff, but like I met up with them last night but I kind of thought that it was my mind fucking with me.”

“... And why would you think that?”

“Because it was Sebastian. I thought I saw he before, remember?” Asked Lucien. “Anyway, I thought my mind had finally snapped because my hallucinations are very real, but I mainly just interacted with my aunt and then I saw him and did the same things.” He shuddered a little at the thought. “I had sex with him. I thought it wasn’t real and today when I woke up he was still there and I just… He was there. I had no idea it was real. It felt so nice too. I just didn’t think that something like that was real.”

The Doctor nodded slowly. “I see… Is this your first sexual encounter with another male?”

“Huh? No. I’ve had sex with guys before. But no time was as good as it was with him.” Yoba, he had no idea if he should be talking to him about this. Was it appropriate? He didn’t know. “But like, it felt good and it was amazing. I didn’t know sex could actually feel good… But like, I just… If it was good for me than it must have been horrible for him, right?”

The older man seemed confused but quickly wrote down some notes. “Can you please explain?”

“Like… When you have sex, it isn’t meant to be pleasurable for both people. It’s meant to like, give one person pleasure and control over the other.” He let out a small pitiful sound and buried his head in his hands. “I don’t even know if that was his first time… I must have scared him for life… He’s going to feel sick and hate himself because of what I did.”

Doctor Eurwyn nodded slowly and took off his glasses. He had a very serious look on his face. “Lucien. I am going to be blunt with you for a moment. You have been sexually abused. Have you considered that your experiences with sex are not normal? Generally speaking people who have consensual sex both experience pleasure. Being controlled, dominated, and only one partner feeling pleasure is not normal. Sure there are a few kinks and fetishes out there that address those things, but generally you’re just vaguely describing sexual assault.”

“Oh…” 

“If the two of you consented and had a good time, you shouldn’t feel guilty about it… Though the fact that you thought it was a hallucination raises some serious concerns about your mental health.”

“... Fair point.”

He wrote down a few more notes and wrote out a new prescription for Lucien. “Here. If your symptoms persist we will have to seriously talk about checking into a facility for a few days for a full assessment.”

Lucien took the prescription and nodded. “Yeah.” They talked a little bit more about a few things that were on Lucien’s mind, but there wasn’t really much else he needed to get off his chest. He had enough to think about in regards to his own perceptions about what sex was. He was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that sex was meant to be good for both parties involved.


	55. Thinking about sex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lucien thinks about sex and suicide while playing old depressing video games. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Lucien just wasn’t too sure of himself anymore. He had been thinking hard about what Dr Eurwyn had talked about. He still wasn’t sure that everything he had talked about was true. Sure he knew that everyone’s sexual experiences were different, but they couldn’t have been that different. Right?

As he thought this over he felt James’s hand ran over his shoulder. “You feeling okay Lucien?” He had gone over to James’s place just to hang out that night.

“Hmm? Just thinking.”

“What about?”

“Sex.”

“Sex?”

“Yeah… Apparently, according to my therapist, I haven’t been in the right head space for sex.” He admitted. “According to him the way I describe what sex is to me he um… I apparently describe rape.”

James was shocked to hear that. “What? Have I ever made you do anything that you didn’t want to do?”

Lucien smiled softly at him and gently squeezed his hand reassuringly. “I wasn’t trying to imply that you were doing anything like that. It’s just the warped way my mind works… When I was younger I was… A close family member sexually abuse me and I guess it just kind of stuck with me.”

“Oh… Oh Lucien, you should have told me sooner.” James genuinely looked like he felt bad about what they had been doing.

“Don’t feel sorry.” Said Lucien quietly. “Everything we’ve done has been consensual. That’s all. I just… My mind isn’t very good because of all that and like… Look, everything that we’ve done I’ve agreed to and I really don’t feel bad at all about it. It’s just my brain has never been in a good place. It isn’t a you thing it’s a me thing.”

“... You okay? Like really?” James gently cupped Lucien’s face in his hands and gave him a concerned look. “We can stop this if you like. We don’t always have to have sex. We aren’t doing it now.”

“I know James. I’m fine with us doing BDSM. I kind of prefer just going with the flow and making other people happy.”

“... But what if I want to things that make you happy?” Asked James. “We have been doing what I want to do every time. Let’s do what you want to do. I can be gentle. You want me to be gentle with you?”

“Oh no. Being gentle isn’t the problem.”

“Did you want to top?”

“Oh Yoba no.” Lucien shuddered at the thought. “I really have no interest in dominating someone. That just… It’s something I really can’t do…”

“That’s okay… Let’s talk about something else? What are you doing for Winter Star this year?”

Lucien shrugged. “I’m going to be spending it was my grandpa. He’s the only family I have anymore.”

James nodded a little. “That’s fair. Family is important. How long are your holidays?”

“About two weeks.”

“I’d like it if you spent some time with me.” He gently ran his fingers through Lucien’s hair while humming softly. “I don’t have any family to spend it with and would like to spend some time with you.”

Lucien closed his eyes and leaned into his touch. That would be nice. It would be interesting to see how rich people celebrated it. That would be pretty cool. They probably had lots of fancy decorations and had extravagant gifts. Then the food, of the food would probably be amazing.

But there was something about what he said that made him feel a little off. “You don’t have a family?”

James nodded. “Yeah. Something about being an abomination and how I was going to burn in hell, excetera.”

“Oh… You had that kind of family?”

“Yep. But such is life. I got my revenge a few years later. My family reached out to me and I thought they had changed their ways or something. Nope. Dad had lung cancer and needed a transplant. I took up smoking as soon as I left them. He died, my mum hated me, but she was an evil bitch so I didn’t give a fuck. She died a few months later and the evil bat and her husband hadn’t gotten around to changing their will. They were lazy fucks too. So I still ended up with everything.”

Lucien was surprised. He didn’t think that James had that kind of family dynamic. He didn’t understand why people were like this, but that wasn’t really his problem. He was just happy that James was doing well for himself.

“So, what are you and your grandpa going to do for Winter Star? Have you thought of a present for him?”

“Um… I don’t know what we’re going to do. I was thinking of maybe getting some air dry clay and some paint to try and make him some kind of animal sculpture. I was thinking maybe a duck?” He wasn’t really sure what his grandpa would want, but he wanted to make something personal for him. If it could be practical that would be better. But he really couldn’t make something fancy like salt and pepper shakers or a mixing bowl.

“That sounds really nice. I’m sure he’ll love and appreciate it since it’s from you.”

Lucien blushed when he said that. “M-maybe… I don’t have much to afford anything fancy and I apparently don’t qualify for Christmas bonuses or anything since I’m technically on probation. Heating bills are a bitch.”

James chuckled a little and made a sweeping gesture with his arm. “You can move in with me for a while if bills are piling up. Not like I don’t have enough room for it.”

“I’m not moving in with you. I want to live alone.”

“Fair enough. It was just a suggestion.” He kisses Lucien’s cheek and stood up. I’m going to go out and pick up our food. I should be back in about twenty if the traffic is good.”

“Okay. See you soon.” He watched James get up and leave. Once he was gone Lucien stood up and walked over to the TV. Much to his surprise James liked to collect different video game consoles. He kept some of the older, more expensive ones, like an original ATARI, in something like a trophy room. He also had a bunch of old games.

Recently he had hooked up the playstation 2 to show Lucien some of the older, classic games. Lucien really appreciated it and had played a small handful of the games James had on offer. One game he was extremely drawn to and almost done with was Silent Hill 2. It didn’t make him happy when he played it. Nor did it make him sad. He just felt empty.

He found the story of why James was there in the first place interesting and really did want to learn more about what happened to Mary. However, he was actually playing to find out more about Angela. She first showed up in the graveyard and hadn’t shown up again. He hoped he would find out more about her soon. He was just drawn to the quiet woman.

Lucien assumed the reason he was so drawn to her was when he first saw the scene where Angela was laying on her side in room while she repeatedly stabbed at the floor. She was contemplating suicide and it just broke his heart. He didn’t want her to die and he was thankful to take her knife from her. 

He picked up playing in the labyrinth area. As he explored he found a newspaper article. Another one of the cool little bread crumbs that he loved about this game. When he read it, his heart dropped a little. It was for Angela’s father. He had been murdered. Then he heard the scream and a cut scene played out where Angela was getting attacked by a monster in a flesh room that was covered in pistons.

For anyone that knew anything about silent hill monsters it was pretty obvious what had happened to Angela as she screamed and begged for her father to leave her alone. Lucien didn’t hesitate to move his character in to start beating the living hell out of the monster. The monster was more disgusting to Lucien than any other monster he had seen in the game so far. It looked like two writhing creatures on a bed frame held in place with a thick, tight sheet of skin.

Lucien knew this game was dark but he didn’t think it was going to get this dark. He put the controller down and wanted to cry. He didn’t know why he was getting so upset about this. It was just a game. Just a game. She wasn’t real. What she went through wasn’t real, but it was real. But it wasn’t. It distressed him so much just thinking about it.

James came back inside with a few bags of food and put it down on the table, but then saw how distressed Lucien was. He looked up at the TV and saw that Lucien’s character was still in that room with a dead abstract daddy on the floor.

“Oh… Oh shit. Lucien are you okay? I know how you said that you really liked Angela…”

“It’s okay…” Muttered Lucien. “I just… That was just… I guess I kind of knew she would have had that kind of background… Could you find a save spot for me? I need to wash my face or something…”

“Of course.” James took the controller from Lucien and saved his game for him while Lucien walked to the bathroom. 

In the bathroom Lucien splashed water on his face a few times. He was trying to shake that horrible feeling. He sighed heavily and tried to think about better times ahead. Winter Star was happening soon. That would be good. He was excited about it. Winter Star would be good. It would be fun.

He dried his hands on his pants, bumping his hand up against his phone. He paused for a moment and took it out. There were still less than ten numbers on his phone. Hell there were less than five. He had Jame’s number, Dr Eurwyn, his grandpa, and his manager at the warehouse. 

Nervously, Lucien bit his bottom lip and unblocked Sebastian, Sam, and Abby. Immediately his phone was blown up with the number of messages his friends had sent him. Granted a lot of them were from the group chat he was supposedly apart of. It made him smile when he looked at the messages each of them had sent him individually asking if he was alright. 

“...” He sent a quick message on the group chat simply saying; I’m okay. Moments later Sebastian was calling him. It made Lucien jump a little as he tried not to drop his phone. “Hello?”

“You seriously need to stop blocking me like that.”

Lucien laughed a little and sat down on the toilet. “Sorry. I kind of swing to extremes.”

“I know… How are you?”

“I’m okay.” He hummed a little and picked at the threads on his jeans. “Um… What is Winter Star like in the valley?”

“Hmm? Why do you want to know?”

“Because I am spending it with my grandpa… and I um… I don’t really know if there are any traditions you guys do in the valley.”

“Oh, like, you don’t need to do anything. You just need to bring yourself.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah…”

“...”

“... Hey Lucien?”

“Yeah?”

“... Could we talk about what happened the other night?”

Lucien felt his chest tighten. “I um…”

“Look I um… I don’t really know how you felt about it but I… I think we should talk in person. I like you a lot and still want to be friends with you. After everything that has happened I think we need to really talk about this…”

That didn’t sound good, but Lucien didn’t want to upset him. “O-okay. I’ll be down during Winter Star. We can talk then if you can find the time to come down to the farm.”

“Sure. I’ll be there. Don’t worry about it… I’d really like to see you again.”

“I’d like to see you again too… Hey Sebastian?”

“Yeah?”

“... I didn’t hurt you did I?”

“What?”

“Before when we… you know…”

“Oh! No, no, no, Lucien you didn’t hurt me at all. I um…” Lucien could practically hear Sebastian blushing on the other end of the line. “I had a good time… W-we should talk about this more when we are face to face.”

“Okay. Later Sebastian.”

“Bye Lucien.”

Lucien sighed a little and put his phone back in his pocket. He felt a little better after talking with Sebastian. Talking with him always made him feel a lot better. He didn’t know why.

James knocked on the door. “You okay in there Lucien? You’ve been in there a while.”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Lucien opened the bathroom door and smiled up at him. “Dinner hasn’t gotten cold has it?”

“Nah, still warm. Let’s eat.”

***

Sebastian stared at his phone for a bit with a slight blush on his face. Lucien was no longer blocking them. He was coming back to the town for Winter Star and they could meet and talk about… The blush on his face intensified. 

He wasn’t sure what he was going to say when he talked to Lucien. He was too high on the excitement of being able to have sex with Lucien. It had gone better than he expected. He had hoped that maybe Lucien might want to be his boyfriend since he had treated him really well. He knew Lucien was still a little jittery but he wanted to do what he could for him, if he wanted him. Oh how Sebastian wanted him.

“...” Even he knew that want of his might be seen as possessive, and in all honesty it probably was. Nevertheless he really just wanted to keep Lucien safe to some degree. He really didn’t like how James was treating him. He just wanted to hold Lucien close and protect him from everything bad in the world.

He sighed and stuck the charging cord in his phone and went to read a book. He could just imagine what would happen if Demetrius walked in on him now. He’d probably scoff at him and be all sarcastic about him reading a book with words and not, as he put it, a childish comic. He didn’t understand that his graphic novels weren’t for children. Demetrius was just a bias idiot.


	56. Winter Star

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. Hope you all enjoy this chapter. Lots of emotional drama and junk. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

Winter Star seemed to quickly creep up on Lucien and he found himself ankle deep in the snow of Pelican Town. With his backpack over his shoulder he quietly trudged to the farm. His grandpa hoped the door and hugged Lucien tightly.

“You look well Lucien.” He said. “Come on in it’s cold.”

Lucien nodded and trudged inside. “So um… How are the animals? Not too cold?”

“They have their heaters. They are good.” He put the kettle on and sat at the table. Lucien did the same and took a box out of his bag and handed it to him. “Um, I know Winter Star is tomorrow, but like um… Happy Winter Star grandpa.”

The old man looked a little surprised but gladly took the gift. “Thank you Lucien.” He didn’t open the gift, but put it in a wicker basket that had another gift in it. Noticing Lucien confused expression he smiled a little. “That’s your gift. I thought tomorrow we could open them together?”

Lucien smiled a little. “Okay. That would be really nice. I’d like that.”

His grandpa smiled and poured Lucien some tea. “So, how has life been for you lately?”

“Good… I’ve been working hard. Doing what I need to do to keep going.” He sipped his tea. “I pay the rent on time. It’s good… This tea is really nice.”

“Thank you. Evelyn got this for me at the start of winter. It’s very nice.”

Lucien chuckled a little. “Oh yeah? You two are really close friends. It’s nice.”

The old man nodded. “Yeah. She’s really sweet. I like being able to help her and George when I can spare the time… Do you have anyone special in your life Lucien? Maybe someone at work?”

“...” Lucien went bright red. “I um… Er… I just… um… Kind of? Maybe?”

“As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters.”

“Thank you…” Lucien smiled a little and twiddled his thumbs. “So um… What happens on Winter Star here?”

“We go and have a huge feast with everyone down in the centre of town.” Explained his grandpa. “It’ll be fun. We do gift exchanges and um… Okay, you won’t get a gift from a secret someone, as is tradition here, but you will get a gift from me.”

Lucien smiled a little. “That’ll be nice. Thank you… Do you mind if I go and see Sebastian? I’ll be back for dinner. I promise.”

The old man smiled and nodded. “Sure thing. I’ll be staying here today anyway. It’s too cold for an old man like me to come out and do things anyway.”

Lucien nodded and headed out to Sebastian’s place. He still kind of knew the way. He walked into the log house and looked around. Robin was standing at the counter. She smiled happily at him. He knew he was being friendly, but older women still gave him the creeps.

“Hey there Lucien.” She said. “Spending the holidays with your grandpa?”

He smiled back at her. “Yeah… Is Sebastian here?”

“Yep. He’s in his room.”

Lucien nodded and quickly ducked off to the basement. He quickly knocked on the door, waited a few seconds, and then walked inside. Sebastian was lying on his bed reading. He glanced over to the door and froze when he saw Lucien. He immediately bolted up to his feet, almost tripping over his own feet.

“Lucien!” He quickly became flustered. “What a surprise. I um… I thought you were going to turn up tomorrow?”

He shrugged. “I thought it would be best to do this now. Is now a bad time?”

“No I just… I… This is a bit of a surprise.”

“Yeah…” Lucien closed the door and leaned against it. He didn’t really look at Sebastian. His eyes were trained on a strange imperfection on the wall. “So… That night meant a lot to you huh?”

Sebastian’s face burned a little. “Yeah… I mean, I’m pretty sure you’re a sex repulsed asexual, right? And you wanted to… with me... Was I wrong?”

“Um well… Yes and no I guess…” He muttered quietly. Lucien wasn’t too sure what he should say in regards to this. “I um… I really need to tell you the truth. Can you sit down for a moment?”

Sebastian complied and sat on his bed. “Go ahead.”

Lucien was hesitant for a moment. “... I have schizophrenia. Just like my aunt. Sometimes it gets really hard for me to tell the difference between what’s real and what’s fake. I’m in the middle of finding the right dosage so I don’t hear and see things… I kind of assumed that when I saw you it was just a hallucination. You’ve always been kind to me and tried to help me and I just… I was curious as to how far the hallucination would go. If I had realised that you were actually there and it wasn’t my mind going off the deep end I… I don’t think I would have gone through with it. I’m sorry.”

There was dead silence in the room. Lucien was sure Sebastian would hate him now. What else could he do? What Lucien had done to him was horrible. He was just some horrible crazy person that did went through with all their crazy thoughts without regards to what was actually happening.

Sebastian cleared his throat a little. “Wow that’s… I don’t really know what to say to that… I’m sorry. I should have seen what was happening to you… I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m so sorry.”

Lucien looked over at Sebastian and was so confused. The man was hunched over with his head in his hands. Lucien couldn’t see his face but he looked completely distraught. It made Lucien’s stomach turn. He didn’t mean to make Sebastian feel bad. He just wanted to explain himself to Sebastian. He would rather he just hate him instead. That would have been simpler.

He quickly went over to Sebastian’s side, but he had no idea if he should try and hug him or something. “H-hey. Don’t be like that. This is all my fault. I’m the one that didn’t realise what was right in front of me. Please don’t feel bad.”

“...” Sebastian wouldn’t look at him. “I should have known something bad was happening. You were so out of it the next day. I just thought you were embarrassed. I’m so sorry… You’ve been through enough and I…”

“No Sebastian look at me.” At this point Lucien carefully cupped Sebastian’s cheeks and stared at him. The poor man looked so upset and defeated. “Whatever you think you did to me you didn’t… That was the single best sexual experience I’ve ever had I just. I’ve never… My therapist said that since I’ve only been in sexual relationships where I’ve been forced or abused in some way I can’t mentally process a positive sexual relationship… I was really fucking scared that I hurt you.”

Now Sebastian looked confused. “Hurt me? What are you talking about?”

Lucien blushed. He was embarrassed by this. “S-so um… In my mind, sex isn’t meant to feel good for both people… I’ve never enjoyed sex… I like the after care James gives me but the sex is just something I endure… But like… I enjoyed it with you and in my mind that was okay since I didn’t think it was actually happening. But like, when I knew it was real I just… I assumed that you had a horrible time… And that scares me… I don’t want to be like my aunt.” He could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes.

Sebastian hesitated a little before he hugged him tightly. “Shhhhh, it’s okay Lucien. You are nothing like her. I swear you’re nothing like her… We both really fucked up. We fucked up really bad.”

Lucien sniffled and hugged back. He still felt horrible and felt like he was solely in the wrong here. He was always in the wrong. He just made one mistake after another. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Sebastian…”

“I’m sorry too.” He patted Lucien’s back and rubbed that spot a few times in an attempt to soothe him. It kind of worked. Kind of.

***

Sebastian honestly felt like shit. He had fucked up. Lucien didn’t do anything wrong. He was just a stupid horny teenager that should have kept it in his pants. He was an asshole and fully to blame. Still Lucien was trying to blame himself. It wasn’t right.

He wanted Lucien to be okay, but he clearly wasn’t. He needed something or someone to help him and support him properly. Everything he was doing right now was slowly killing him and driving him more and more to the edge but Lucien just couldn't see it. It upset him. It was distressing. The only good thing he could see was that Lucien was on medication and seeing a psychiatrist. 

“Hey… Can you let go of me for a second?” Asked Sebastian.

Lucien nodded and sat back. His eyes were red and he was wiping away the tears.

It broke Sebastian’s heart a little but he resisted the urge to hug him again and pulled a small red box. He gave it to Lucien and smiled a little. “Happy Winter Star.”

“O-oh… I didn’t get you anything…”

“It’s fine Lucien. I wanted to get this for you. Open it.” Lucien nodded a little and opened the box. His eyes went wide and he took out a small necklace with the Saga X logo on it. It was something he had found online and decided to get it for him. “Do you still read Saga X?”

“Yeah. Thank you. Can you help me put it on?”

“Sure.” Sebastian took it and put it on for him. It looked beautiful on him. He looked beautiful. “It looks good on you.”

Lucien looked much happier now. “Really? Thanks. It looks really nice… I’ll get you something just as nice soon. I promise.”

“Think nothing of it.”

“But I missed out on your birthday along with Winter Star…”

Sebastian smiled and gestured to the figure Lucien had gotten for him as a thanks for taking care of him when he was sick. “That covered my birthday and Winter Star for the next few years.”

“Oh? Really?”

“Yeah.” He brushed some hair out of Lucien’s face and smiled softly at him. “Are we cool now?”

Lucien nodded a little. “Yeah. We’re good… So um…”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to do it again?”

Alarm bells started ringing in Sebastian’s ears and he leaned back in shock without thinking. “What?” He didn’t mean to have that kind of reaction, but after everything else Lucien had gone through and told him he didn’t didn’t know how to react.

Lucien looked hurt and immediately back pedaled. “S-sorry about that… It was just a joke… Just a stupid joke… Don’t think anything about it.”

Sebastian felt terrible now. “Hey no… You tell me why you said that.”

“...” Lucien nervously played with his hair. “I don’t know… It just felt good and I thought since we both felt good that you might want to… do it… again… maybe… with me?” He laughed nervously. “I know this is bad but with the way my mind works I… I feel like shit when I have sex and I feel like shit when people reject me. I don’t know what I want. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t feel bad Lucien. This isn’t your fault.” Reassured Sebastian. “I um… I just don’t want to hurt you. I wouldn’t mind doing it again but I’m the kind of guy that would like to have a relationship with someone… That night I was an idiot. I was an idiot for hoping you wanted to maybe be my boyfriend… I don’t want friends with benefits if that is what you are looking for.” He sighed sadly. “I want monogamy…”

Lucien sat there quietly and listened to what Sebastian said, nodding slowly. “... Can I think about it for a little bit? It’s not that I don’t want to, I just need to think about my arrangement with James… Sure we have a lot of sex but he’s still a nice to me and kind of like a friend… I don’t know if he’ll still want to be around me when it’s over.”

“Okay. I understand.” Sebastian didn’t really understand but he knew it made sense to Lucien and Lucien didn’t think like normal people. “You do what you need to do… But I need to be honest with you here Lucien. I’m not always going to be waiting for you.” He had to be realistic with him. “Eventually if you take too long I’ll move on.”

Lucien seemed surprised to hear that but nodded anyway. “Okay. I understand… Nothing lasts forever… I’ll try and have everything sorted by mid Spring. Can you wait till then for my answer? If Summer starts and I haven’t told you anything then...” He sighed a little and looked defeated.

“Of course.” Sebastian held his hand and gently squeezed. “But no matter what you decide, I will still be your friend. Don’t block me anymore.”

Lucien squeezed back and smiled softly at him. “Okay. I really need to stop blocking and unblocking people, huh?”

“Yeah.”

After that Sebastian smiled at him and politely excused himself. When he was gone Sebastian flopped back onto his bed and he exhaled loudly. That was something he really didn’t expect on the eve of Winter Star.

But he was glad Lucien had told him all that stuff. He was able to understand him a little better now. He was going to have to look up schizophrenia now. He needed to know if there was anything he could do to help him if he had an episode. Lucien really needed someone or something to help him to ground him in reality.

***

Winter Star came and went pretty quickly for Sebastian. He woke up early with his family and walked down to the town square where people were already gathered. They sat at their table and he kept an eye out for Lucien and his grandpa.

He saw the two of them sitting down at a table. Mr Berg was holding a bowl that looked like a cow. The old man looked really pleased while Lucien looked very embarrassed. He was blushing the whole time and whenever someone went over to talk to them Mr Berg would show off the bowl. This just made Lucien blush more and sink into his seat.

When everyone started eating Demetrius scolded Sebastian for not being very involved with the family conversation, as usual. It was annoying but Sebastian complied to the best of his ability. It was annoying. He would have rather kept looking at Lucien or talk to him for a bit.

After a while people started exchanging gifts and after Mr Berg gave his gift to Haley and Gus gave his gift to Mr Berg, the two occupants of Datura farm headed back. At least on the way Lucien looked back at Sebastian and gave him a small smile. He smiled back.


	57. Ending things and starting others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a wordy chapter title but eh, whatever. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy.

Lucien stayed in the town for another day before heading back to Zuzu city. He hung out with Sebastian, Sam, and Abby for most of it. They didn’t really ask him much about what he was doing these days, but it was for the best. They mostly watched moved and talked about some of the stuff they got for Winter Star.

Abby got a new sketch book and some fancy pencils that she really wanted. Sam had been hoping for a new guitar but he got a snare drum instead. He really loved it. Sebastian got some new graphic novels. Lucien told them about how his grandpa had bought him some nice plates and cups. The old man had been worried he’d been eating from paper plates or something. It was nice.

They, along with his grandpa, saw him off when he left for Zuzu city again. Sebastian gave him a kind of sad look when he left, and Lucien was kind of sad too. He had a lot to think about. Just cutting off his ties with James wouldn’t immediately fix his problems, but that was a good start. He just had no idea how to do it.

He still had no idea what he was going to do by the time he made it back to Zuzu city. When he got off the bus James was waiting for him and the two of them went back to his home. Lucien told James how he spent his Winter Star, but kept out the details about the talk he had with Sebastian. Lucien knew James said that he had an out, but he still wasn’t sure about it. James could have been lying. He didn’t really know.

They got to his place and Lucien took his place on the couch. He and James watched a movie while eating some takeaway. It was nice and made Lucien feel good. But he was starting to notice the wall that was forming between them, or had formed between them. Maybe the wall had always been there but he just never noticed it before? He wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. He was good at blocking out everything.

James seemed to notice something was up with him and gently squeezed his hand. “Hey, are you okay there Lucien? You seem a little off.”

Lucien shrugged. “I just… I don’t really know anymore. I feel like there is a distance between us and I just… I have no idea if I should keep having a sexual relationship with someone. I think it’s hurting me mentally. I don’t know.”

“Oh…” James did sound a little disappointed, like Lucien knew he would be. “Well I guess that-”

Lucien quickly stood up and smiled nervously at him. “I’m sorry. I’ll just go now. Thank you for being with me for so long and helping me get a job… But I don’t think I can do this anymore. You’re a really nice guy and always made me feel good. I’ll just go outside and call myself an uber. Thank you again.”

He quickly tried to leave, but James quickly grabbed his arm. “Hey wait a second here Lucien.”

Lucien squeaked a little in surprise and he started shaking. “I-I’m sorry… P-please let me go. I-I don’t want to do this anymore.”

James looked just as surprised as Lucien at this point and let him go. He took a moment to compose himself and he started talking to him in a calming voice. “Lucien. What I was going to say was that I’m okay with it. You don’t have to force yourself to do anything.” He smiled kindly at him. “You don’t have to go home tonight. I have a guest room you can use. I’m not just going to kick you out because you don’t want sex anymore.”

“... Really?”

“Yeah.”

“O-okay… I’m asexual anyway…”

“Asexual?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s that?”

“Um… Means I’m not interested in sex. At all. Ever.”

James looked confused. “But we’ve been having sex?” 

He shrugged. “Well yeah, but like… If I’m honest I liked the aftercare better”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…”

“... Well you can still stay the night if you like. You might feel better once you calm down a little. The guest room is all yours so don’t worry about it.”

Lucien smiled a little. “Thanks James. You’re a really nice person… Out of all the people that could have approached me that night, I’m glad it was you.”

“Think nothing of it. So are we going to keep watching the movie or what?” They both settled back onto the couch, and despite them kind of not really breaking up, James wrapped his arm around Lucien. Lucien in turn leaned into him. The warmth from his body was comforting to him. Especially after suddenly getting so worked up suddenly.

***

Lucien did end up staying with James that night, but he didn’t sleep with him. He stayed in the guest room and the next day James took him home. Since there was no bad blood between them James told him that he could call him if he needed some help. He wished Lucien the best of luck with his mental health and if he had trouble he could help out financially. It was kind of nice. James was a nice guy.

A few days later the holidays ended and Lucien was back at work. His probation period was over and was now a full time employee. He started to settle into a new routine; work, home, text his friends. After two weeks he was starting to feel really good. He was shocked by how easily his mood lifted when he stopped having sex.

Even his manager commented him on his attitude. “Had a really good holiday season?”

Lucien just smiled and nodded. “Yeah. I actually enjoyed Winter Star for once.”

The older man laughed a little and shook his head. “Ah, must be good to be young. Have a good time with your family?”

“Yeah. It was the first Winter Star I had with my grandpa. He got me some plates and cups.”

The manager snorted. “Plates and cups? Really?”

“Yeah. I needed some anyway. What did you do for Winter Star?”

“Oh boy… Huge family lunch.” Said the manager. “So I have four siblings, my wife has three. All of us have kids. Ten kids on my side of the family, including my kids, and seven on my wife’s side. Half of them under the age of five. It was a nightmare. So much screaming.”

Lucien grinned. “That sounds like fun. Never had a huge family. I’m an only child.”

“Ah, well the loudness is fun sometimes. But like quiet is nice too. I only get some peace and quiet when I’m here at work.” He let out a laugh at that. “But hey, that’s what happens when you have twins and a four year old that doesn’t want to share anything with the babies. She’ll hopefully grow out of it soon.”

“One can only hope boss.”

The old man smiled and clapped his back. “Well, when you get around to having kids, try stopping at one or two. My wife and I weren’t planning on three, but life works in mysterious ways.”

Lucien smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind boss. Good luck with the kids.”

His manager laughed again, but quickly frowned and rolled his eyes when he saw something over Lucien’s shoulder. “Heads up. The pencil pushers are here. Finish your tea and start going over the new stock. I think someone’s been taking some stock since it sometimes disappears…” 

Lucien nodded, quickly finished his tea and rushed off to go over the new stock. He quietly went about his work, but after a few minutes he could feel eyes on him. He glanced behind him and saw his manager talking with said pencil pushers. Among them was, of course, Morris. Looks like he still hated him if the angry squinty eyes were anything to go by. He probably thought Lucien would have gotten the boot before his probation was up, but no. He was still here.

Morris was going to lay into him at some point and try to get him fired. He just knew it. The damn bastard was probably vindictive enough to do it. Lucien didn’t like this, but there wasn’t anything he could do about this at the moment.

After a few moments his manager called him over to talk to them. When Lucien walked over to them his manager happily slapped him on the back. It stuck a little, but it wasn’t that painful. “So this is Lucien. He just finished his probation period with us and is a full time employee.”

Morris scowled, but the two other people, who by the looks of it had seniority over him, just smiled and nodded. They started to ask him a few questions and Lucien answered them as best he could.

“So how do you like the work?” One of them asked.

“It’s good honest work.” Said Lucien honestly. “It was really good being able to work here straight after leaving school. The pay is enough for me to rent a small apartment and pay utilities without having to get a second job. The health care is really good too. I’ve finally been able to see a doctor.”

Morris rolled his eyes while his superiors just smiled and nodded. “So what made you decide to apply for Joja corp anyway?”

“Well apart from the good record you have with your customer service I know someone who works here and they suggested I apply for a low level position since I don’t really have any skills that would let me get anything better. Someone also mentioned that there were a lot of opportunities to move up the ladder? So I’m a little excited about that. Maybe in a year or two I’ll have the skills to apply for a higher position. If not I am happy working in the warehouse.”

The superiors seemed to like that answer too and went back to talking to the manager. Lucien smiled a little and politely excused himself to go back to stock taking. He only got about five steps away before Morris tapped him on the shoulder.

Lucien put on his nicest smile and looked at him. “Yes? Something I can do for you?”

“Don’t get cocky now that you’ve passed probation.” He hissed. “James might have influence, but if you fuck up you are gone, and I’ll make sure you are gone for good.”

Lucien just blinked slowly at him and frowned a little. “Are you threatening me? Pretty sure threatening people is against both against company policy and the law.” 

“I’m not threatening you. Just letting you know your job is always the first to go if say, someone thinks you’re stealing, or if we have budget cuts. You are more than expendable.”

“... Yeah, you’re threatening me.” Lucien went to go back to his job.

“Listen here you little-”

“I am so sorry sir!” Said Lucien in a loud enough voice for his manager and Morris’s superiors to hear. “I have only worked here for a few months and I honestly do not know about those items! If the brand of male underwear liners for gentlemen with bladder issues have been discontinued it would have been before I started working or soon after! I am sure I could find a few boxes for you if we have a crate or two that haven’t been shipped out yet! Though you should see a doctor if you can’t control your bladder!”

Morris went an impressive shade of red. He looked like he was going to strangle him right there in front of everyone, but his superiors quickly called him back and Lucien went back to his work. The stocktake was pretty easy and simple to do on all the new stuff, so he was content with it.

Later on that day, his manager came back and asked him what that was all about. Lucien explained that he knew Morris from outside of work and he was a prick that brown nosed his way to the top. His manager just laughed and told him how angry Morris was the whole time and how he had said that someone that spoke so rudely to their superior should be fired. One of his superiors shot back with something like he shouldn’t have asked an employee to drop his job to get him things he should get himself off the clock or during his break.

It gave Lucien some satisfaction to know that his superiors weren’t putting up with his shit. Hopefully he would think twice about being a bastard to him.It made for a very entertaining texting session with on the bus ride home.

_And he was so red lol._

_Omg that’s amazing. And you didn’t get fired or written up?_

_Nah, my manger is cool like that. This guy is an asshole anyway._

_Sounds like it._

_Yeah. I should probably ask James to do something about him. That guy is so horrible. Not even James likes how much of a brown nosed weasel he is._

_Speaking of James. Have you talked to him yet about you know?_

Now Lucien was a little hesitant. Sure the answer was yes. He’d obviously talked to James about it and they were both cool with it, but Lucien needed a little more time to himself. While he had gotten better he still needed to heal on his own for a little. He’d take maybe another week before he talked to Sebastian about this properly.

_Hey Lucien? U still there?_

_Yeah I am. I just need more time. Okay?_

_:/_

_:O_

_You’re an idiot._

_But seriously, is he intimidating you?_

_No._

_Really?_

_Yeah really. James is nicer to me than you give him credit for._

_:/_

_He really is._

_:/_

_lol so what are having for dinner anyway?_

_It’s spaghetti night. I think mum is making alfredo or something. U?_

_Corner store hotdogs and or an old salad roll and a can of sprite._

_You need to take better care of yourself._

_I worked late tonight and don’t feel like cooking. I’ll go shopping tomorrow. If it makes you feel better I’ll get vegetarian?_

_You do you Lucien. You up for texting later tonight?_

_I’m pretty sleepy. I was just going to eat and go to bed._

_K ttyl_

_ttyl_

Lucien smiled, got off his phone and got off the bus.


	58. Late gifts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close to the end! Hope you all enjoy this. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

The new year came and brought with it Spring. Lucien enjoyed the warmer weather. It was nice. He found that warmer weather made it easier for him to feel happy. Well, maybe it was a combination of the weather and the fact that he finally got the right medication balance. That was good. He’d stopped seeing his aunt. That made him feel really good.

Something that made his day feel a little better too was finding out that a certain glasses wearing nuisance was no longer parading around with the pencil pushing big wigs. When Lucien asked his manager about it, his manager just grinned.

“Didn’t you hear? Morris got in trouble. He apparently had a warning from HR about something and he lost it. Unfortunately he’s really good at his job and well, he’s apparently become the manager of a Jojamart that’s getting built out in the sticks.”

Lucien snorted in laughter. “Seriously?”

“Yep. He really fucked up. But I guess if he can get all the people in that town to get Joja memberships he could potentially weasel his way back in, but at a lower position. Hopefully he’ll learn his lesson by then.”

“Yeah, hopefully.”

His manager nodded a little. “So… remember how last week you came by and helped me with that spread sheet?”

He nodded. “Yeah? It wasn’t too difficult.”

“Well, that program sucks and you were able to navigate it. I want you to apply for a positioned in the IT department.”

“... Seriously?”

“Yeah. I think it would suit you better.”

Lucien frowned a little. “I’m not that smart. I probably wouldn’t be able to hack it.”

His manager just waved him off. “Don’t sell yourself short. It’ll be good for you Lucien. You get more benefits, some more days off, better paid leave. Hell, it’s a five percent pay rise just getting the lowest paid job in that department. I think it would be good for a young person like you.”

“... You really think so?”

“Yeah. Plus you got nothing to lose if you put your hand up for it. I actually have a few people I’m asking to go for the job. So don’t worry about any pressure. You’ll still have your job here if you don’t get an interview. You’re a good kid.”

Lucien blushed and smiled a little. “Thanks Boss.” He probably would take up the offer and try to become an IT person. The benefits did sound pretty good, and he could do with a little bit more spending money. That would be good. He could move into a slightly nicer place and get some slightly nicer things.

“Good lad. But until then, back to the grindstone. I want those boxes of toilet paper logged and moved to the back before you clock off. Got it?”

“Yes sir.”

***

Spring was… It left Sebastian was an unsettling feeling in his stomach. Lucien was going to break it off with James. Apparently. Allegedly. He really hoped he would. He didn’t want to keep pressing it. He knew Lucien would probably get scared and immediately run away. Lucien had to do things at his own pace. But eventually time would run out and it would be Summer. And then Sebastian would have to move on.

He didn’t want to move on. He liked really liked Lucien. At least he could still see him and talk to him. Even if Lucien didn’t break it off with James he would still talk to him. They would still be friends. He still wanted Lucien to be safe.

As he thought about this over and over in his mind Robin opened the door to his room and walked in. She was carrying a small box. “Hey Sebby?”

“Yeah?” 

“Did you order something? This is for you.”

Sebastian frowned a little and shook his head. “No. Is that for me?”

“Yep.” She passed the box to him and went back upstairs.

Sebastian looked at the box for a few minutes before opening it. Inside were three little clay figurines. They looked handmade and painted. One was a void chicken, a labrador, and something that kind of looked like a hamster. On the bottom of each one was a name; Seb, Sam, and Abby. There was a note was in the box too so he read that to figure out what this was all about.

_Dear Sebastian_  
Hey. I haven’t actually sent a package to anyone before so I hope you actually get this and it doesn’t get lost in the mail forever or something. That would suck. So I felt bad about not getting you something for Winter Star when you got me that cool Saga X necklace. I didn’t really have any extra money, but I had plenty of extra clay and paint. I also don’t actually know Sam and Abby’s address, so could you give them their figures too?

_I painted their names on the bottom of it so it shouldn’t be that hard to figure out which one I made for them. But if the paint came off them; I made the dog for Sam, the guinea pig for Abby, and the chicken for you. Hopefully they didn’t break or chip in the mail. Sorry if you don’t like chickens. If you manage to get this and don’t like it you can just text it to me and I’ll make you something else. Or buy you something instead. Sorry it isn’t that impressive._

_I don’t really know how to end this so um… If you do end up getting it can you let me know if you like your late Winter Star gift? If you don’t like it you can just ignore it and like, throw it out. I don’t mind. Sorry that it isn’t Saga X related. I can’t make anything that cool. Sorry. Bye._  
From Lucien.

Sebastian did his best not to laugh at how cute Lucien’s gift and letter was. It really showed that he’d never written a letter before. Lucien was such an adorable mess.

He picked up the chicken figurine before and happily turned it over in his hands. It was fat and had a thumb print in its side. It was silly and dumb and he loved it. Lucien was trying his best for him. It was really sweet. He put it on his desk and took a photo of it and sent it to Lucien.

_This is adorable._

_You like it?_

_Yeah. It’s really cute. You didn’t have to make me something for Winter Star._

_Well I’ve never gotten someone something for Winter Star so I thought I’d do this for you. Do you really like it?_

_It’s a fat chicken. Of course I like it._

_Thanks. Sorry it isn’t really that good._

_Don’t be dumb it is good. Better than what I could do._

_It wasn’t that difficult. Pretty sure you could do it if you set your mind to it._

_I’m okay with sketching and painting, but I just make abominations in clay._

_I’m sure it’s not that bad. Believe in yourself :D_

_Whatever you say man. How is work going?_

_Omg, so Morris got demoted and is now manager of some far off Jojamart._

_lol_

_I know, right? Oh, and I’m going to maybe get a promotion and move to IT. Better pay, better benefits. Should be good._

_Hope you get it. You deserve it._

_Thank you. Ttyl, manager wants me to get back to work._

_K. ttyl._

__

Sebastian smiled a little more at the cute chicken before standing up, collecting the other figure and going off to find Abby and Sam. Abby was easy to find. She was stocking shelves in her dad’s shop. When he walked in Pierre looked frazzled as he scrunched up a flyer in his hands.

__

He looked over at Abby who looked over at him and gave him a pleading look. He quickly walked over to her and whispered. “What crawled up your dad’s ass and died?”

__

“Lewis sold some vacant land to Joja corp. They’re going to build a Jojamart starting next week.”

__

“Oh shit, Now your dad has competition.”

__

“Yeah. So what’s up?”

__

Sebastian handed over the little clay guinea pig. “Lucien felt bad about not getting stuff for Winter Star so he made us these.”

__

“Aw, that’s cute. Looks like David Jr. but like, it doesn’t have a white patch on its butt. Adorable.” She smiled at it and turned it in her hand. “So, how is Lucien going? You two text each other privately all the time.” 

__

“He’s doing pretty good. He’s trying to transfer to IT.”

__

“Cool. What does the IT and Joja do anyway?”

__

“Not a fucking clue. But they will probably train him somewhat. At least I hope they would.” Sebastian looked back over at Pierre and frowned a little. “Is your dad going to be okay?”

__

Abby just sighed. “Yeah… He’s going to be like this for a while. Probably going to yell at Lewis later about them destroying our livelihood and stuff. Sucks a fat one but like, maybe it’s a good thing?”

__

“You think so?”

__

“Well now dad will have to be competitive for once in his life. Things should get interesting.”

__

“Huh, alright. I’m gonna go find Sam. Lucien made something for him too.”

__

“Okay. Don’t get lost on the way.”

__

Sebastian rolled his eyes and headed down to Sam’s house. Vincent answered the door and Jodi scolded him for not going to get her first. Sebastian just nodded a little and slipped into Sam’s room. He was typing something up on his computer and didn’t seem to notice him walk in,

__

Seizing the opportunity Sebastian leaned in close to him. “Are you watching porn?”

__

Sam screamed like a girl and almost fell out of his chair. “... Oh it’s just you.”

__

“Just you? Rude.”

__

“Whatever man. You scared me. What’s up?”

__

“Here.” He put the labrador on his desk and watched as Sam picked it up and turned it over in his hand. 

__

“Aw, Sebby. You made me a potato dog?”

__

He rolled his eyes. “No dumb ass. Lucien mailed late Winter Star gifts to me. Abby got one too. I thought it was a hamster. Apparently it was a guinea pig.”

__

Sam nodded a little and smiled. “That’s really sweet… Are you two a thing yet?”

__

“No.”

__

“Why not?”

__

“He has some things he needs to sort out… I gave him a deadline since he doesn't seem to be able to make himself do something unless there’s a time limit.” He sighed. “If nothing happens by the start of Summer I’m dropping it.”

__

“You’re going to give up on him?”

__

Sebastian shrugged and sat on Sam’s bed. “I’m not going to give up on him. I’m still going to be his friend, but like you know… He’s asexual and I don’t want to hurt him if we get into a relationship. I mean, I want to do it with him. I did do it with him but I just… Lucien’s mental health is more important than getting my dick wet. You know what I mean?”

__

“I guess?” Sam looked kind of confused by that word vomit. “So like um… Is he okay?”

__

“He sounds like he’s doing really well. He said he’s going to get a promotion at work. I’m happy for him. He seems excited by it.”

__

“That’s awesome. Oh, speaking of jobs…” Sam showed Sebastian a flyer for the new Jojamart. “Do you think they will be hiring locals when it opens?”

__

“Well yeah?”

__

Sam nodded a little and looked back at his computer. “... I have no idea if they will accept my resume…”

__

“Dude, you’re just out of high school. We’re all out of high school. This is just a first job you’ll do fine.” Said Sebastian encouragingly. “Just read your contract and learn your rights if you get the job.” 

__

“Okay…” Sam kept staring at the computer screen with a concerned look on his face. “You sure just putting down the high school and the fact I graduated are enough? I mean, I volunteered for that thing at my grandma’s retirement home a year ago.”

__

“Ask your mum about it, but like, I think you can do it? Want me to read through it when you’re done?”

__

“... Yes please. So um how is your work stuff going?”

__

Sebastian smiled. “Yeah. It’s really good. I’m still building my own website and I’m learning a bit more code. It’s slow, but I am actually doing pretty good. I’m sure I’ll get some clients soon. Maybe.”

__

Sam grinned. “That’s awesome. What’s Abby doing?”

__

“I think she’s doing some online course?”

__

“Huh okay.” Sam continued to stare at the computer screen.

__

“... Are you okay?”

__

“I don’t know man… I’m just worried. There are so many things that could go wrong with this. Like, what if I don’t get the job? I’ll have to move out of town. I only just moved here man. What the fuck?”

__

“Whoa, relax man.” He patted Sam’s back. “Calm down Sam. You’re going to get a job in town if you try hard enough. Really. Like, you can talk to Gus, Gunther, Harvey…”

__

“What would Harvey want with someone who doesn’t know shit about medicine?”

__

Sebastian shrugged. “Those places need to be clean? Maybe you could be a janitor or something?”

__

“I guess…” Sam was still bummed about it.

__

Sebastian sighed and squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “Hey, you, me and Abby. We’re going to the quarry. It’s been a while since we got stonned as fuck.”

__

That seemed to perk Sam up a little. “Really?”

__

“Yeah. I have some of the good stuff.” It was true. Sebastian had recently gotten some good stuff. During his explorations of Zuzu city he found a weed store. An actual weed store. As it turns out, recreational marijuana was now legal in the Ferngil Republic. He had been too stressed out to worry about smoking weed. Which all things considered he probably should have been smoking weed when all this happening. Either way he had gotten some really good shit.

__


	59. Three Years Later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this doesn't feel like a rushed job or anything. I tried hard to wrap things up nicely without any loose ends. Thanks so much for reading this. It's been very encouraging to read your comments. The support you have given has been amazing. Kudos and comment when you can. Enjoy :D

For the next three years things went pretty well. Before Summer started Lucien told Sebastian that he had broken it off with James and if he was still interested in him he would like to be with someone that was nice to him.

In the beginning it was a little tough. There were days when Lucien was completely depressed and would throw himself at Sebastian and beg him for sex. It was usually on days when Lucien had a particularly difficult day at work or when he had a change of medication. When that happened Sebastian would end up staying the night with Lucien and holding him tightly all night. He was getting better, but it was taking time.

Lucien also got that promotion at Joja, so he was working in IT. He wasn’t the best at his job, but he was far from the worst. So Lucien was set for the most part. He quite liked working for Joja, even if the job wasn’t very exciting.

Sebastian’s life in the valley was going okay. He was making a fair bit of money with his coding job. He’d built a bit of a reputation for himself and was making a good bit of money for himself. His parents didn’t understand it and had encouraged him to get out of the house and to get a real job, much to his annoyance.

But Sebastian did like talking to Lucien about what was going on in the valley. Lewis had sold an old log cabin to some artist woman a while back and she seemed okay. She always bought a lot of wood off of Robin. Marnie’s nephew and his godchild ended up moving to the ranch not long after Leah moved in. Willy also fixed up the shack on the beach and some guy with really long hair moved in. The Joja mart finally opened up too and Sam managed to get a job there along with Marnie’s nephew.

It was all simple stuff like that. Until Mr Berg got sick. He got really sick. He caught pneumonia after one very harsh winter and ended up passing away peacefully with Lucien by his bedside. For a week after Lucien was terribly depressed and wouldn’t stop crying.

Sebastian had worried that he would slip back into some of his self destructive ways, but thankfully he didn’t. He took a week off work and pretty much moved into Sebastian’s bed. His parents were a little shocked by this since Lucien and Sebastian didn’t really voice what their relationship was. 

In fact, the two of them never really talked about what they were. They did kiss sometimes and there was some curious, and innocent touching. They never really said they were dating because they never really felt like they had to, but when Sebastian’s parents questioned then he had to tell them something.

Lucien was okay with that and after a week he went back to the city. Both because of his job and because he needed to refill his prescriptions. He couldn’t refill them at the local clinic since they didn’t have the anti-psychotics he needed.

After one particularly long and annoying string of code fixing Sebastian decided to call Lucien. It had been six months since Mr Berg passed away. “Hey Lucien, can you talk?”

“Yeah.” He sounded tired.

“How are you feeling today?”

“I don’t know man… I’m just tired.”

“Is everything okay? Like mentally? No depression, hallucinations?”

He heard Lucien laughing. It was like music to his ears. “Not since my medication changed like three months ago. Even then it was just some bugs. Not like I saw my aunt again.”

“Well that’s good. I’m glad.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah…” Sebastian saved his work and got out of it. He didn’t need to look at that anymore. “So, I was thinking of maybe coming over this weekend? I’m about to wrap up a big project and thought we could have dinner together. You up for it?”

“Oh… I um, I actually have some things I need to do this weekend.” Said Lucien quietly. “Maybe next weekend?”

“Oh, okay. You up to text or talk those nights though?”

“Of course I am. You know I am… I like hearing your voice. It makes me feel happy.” There was no way to know for sure, but he just knew Lucien was blushing on the other end of the phone.

“You make me feel happy too Lucien.”

“... Thank you Sebastian. Oh, it’s my stop. Gotta go. Night.”

“Night.” Sebastian put his phone down and smiled at the little clay void chicken Lucien made him all those years ago. It was just as cute and sweet as the day he got it. It felt like a little reminder that Lucien was getting better. He was always getting better. Slowly but surely he was.

***

The weekend rolled around and Sebastian ended up sleeping in till almost one. He just yawned and walked up to get a coffee. Robin was in the kitchen and gave Sebastian a playful smile. Something that she never did unless something sneaky was happening.

“What did you do?” He asked.

Robin grinned. “What do you mean Sebby?”

“You’re smiling at me…”

“Can’t get anything past you can I?” She happily sat at the table. “Well, someone’s moved into Mr Berg’s farm.”

“... WHAT?! HOW THE HELL IS THAT GOOD NEWS?” He knew how much the farm meant to Lucien. How could Lewis just sell the land? That was horrible. What was Lucien going to say when he found out?

Robin just grinned at him. “Well I think you should go and say hi to the new farmer. It’ll be good for you. I think you’ll like them,”

“Why would I like them?”

She reached out and held Sebastian’s hand. “Sebby. Go to the farm right now and talk to the farmer. Trust me.” She had this knowing look which confused him a little, but he had a feeling that there was something more to it.

“...” He quickly left the house without making his coffee and practically ran to the farm. He didn’t take the shortcut, he took the long way through town so he wouldn’t look like a creep just appearing out of nowhere. When he got to the farm he saw someone wearing overalls and a big hat. They were using a hoe on a small bit of cleared dirt. “H-hey.”

The person jumped and quickly turned around. It was Lucien. He smiled at him and gave a little, embarrassed wave. “H-hey.”

“... Lucien? You bought the farm?”

He smiled and nodded. “Yeah. A few weeks ago I opened the letter my grandpa gave me. Turns out he gave me the deed to Datura farm and I kind of decided to maybe move here?”

“What about your meds? Harvey doesn’t stock them.”

“I was able to talk to him about it. He’s ordering them in for me.” Said Lucien. He smiled happily, which made Sebastian smile back. It had taken years for him to be able to smile so sincerely, and the way he carried himself was better too. He stood tall and proud most of the time and he just exuded confidence. 

“But I thought you liked working in the city?”

“Well I did, but like, I’ve only ever really felt really happy when I was here with grandpa.” Lucien looked out over the farm and sighed happily. “Plus I have too much baggage in the city, you know? Plus I get to be a little closer to you.”

Sebastian blushed a little. “Yeah… Do you need help moving in? I could help.”

Lucien smiled at him. “I’d like that.” He leaned over and gently pissed the raven haired man on the cheek. “I’d really like that.” He was blushing when he said that last part.

***

Lucien was getting better. Slowly but surely he was getting better. He didn’t know what Sebastian would think about him moving to Pelican town but was glad that he was happy about it. Having Sebastian with him made the transition so much easier. He was there for his good days and his bad days, and Lucien did the same for him. When they both had bad days they usually ended up staying in Lucien’s house and huddled up in his bed.

On those bad days Lucien enjoyed running his fingers through Sebastian’s hair while thinking about his life choices. It made him feel a little better. Having sex with Sebastian wasn’t the magical, life changing moment where everything became better that some poorly written media would portray it. But he had to admit, it did kind of help him get his life sorted out. Though that was more Sebastian than the sex.

Speaking of, they did occasionally do it. As long as Sebastian was slow with him and gave him lots of after care when they were done Lucien was very receptive to it. He loved Sebastian and didn’t want him to be sexually frustrated because of his own lack of sex drive. Sebastian didn’t push it either. He understood Lucien didn’t need to have sex with him for him to love him.

Lucien hummed softly and ran his fingers through Sebastian’s hair. It was raining. “This is nice.”

“You think so?”

“Well, not the whole feeling bad and sad about life and junk, but you know. I’m happy to be here with you.”

Sebastian hummed a little and rested his head on Lucien’s chest. “Yeah, I guess… hey, you think that you’ll like ever not need meds and a psychiatrist?”

Lucien shrugged. “Don’t know. Some stuff I know I’ll probably need meds for my whole life. But who knows? Maybe… I’m glad you stuck with me through this. I don’t think I would have gotten through this without you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“... Hey Lucien? You know I love you.”

“I love you too Sebastian.”

“No like, I really, really love you… I’ve loved you for a while.”

Lucien leaned down and kissed the top of Sebastian’s head. “I love you too Sebastian. I don’t think anyone has shown me as much love and care as you have.” The rain started to ease up and the two fell into a comfortable silence. Lucien smiled a little to himself. Yeah, he could make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all once again for reading this. I kind of left it opened ended because while the ending is happy it isn't perfect. There would definitely be ups and downs in the future. No relationship is perfect and just because you are in a good one doesn't mean that your mental health will instantly be cured. 
> 
> There will be good days and bad days but as long as time and effort is made then things will get better little by little.


End file.
